Partner sucks at comforting me

[catsandlavender]

My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We have a good relationship and he is an absolutely excellent support to me in practical terms - he has made it so that I haven’t had to worry about money at all during times that would have been v stressful without him, whilst also going to great lengths to make sure I don’t feel reliant on him. He’s my rock in lots of ways.

However, we are quite different in the ways that we respond to stress, upset and conflict. This bothers me sometimes. Neither of us are wrong but we just handle it different. I’m going through a shit time at the moment, upset, on edge, tearful and anxious about feeling like there’s no light at the end of the fucking Covid tunnel, missing my family etc. I was crying about it earlier and the only response he has is “well no one knows what’s going to happen so we all just have to get on with it”. He says this nicely, not in an unkind way, but he’s literally just like “just try not to think about it, it’s all necessary restrictions” MATE I KNOW! just put your arm round me and say “aww I know it’s shit but it’ll be ok”.

Does anyone else have a partner who is excellent at practical support but crap a lot of the time at being sympathetic 😂 I feel ungrateful, but i wish sometimes that he’d be a bit warmer and less practical when I’m upset.

@rvby that’s really interesting - thank you! He’s not particularly great with emotions when under pressure (eg an argument) and considers himself “a simple man” (he’s really not haha), but I would say he is actually quite god at analysing his own emotions and finding the root cause of them. As I said in a previous comment, he’s brilliant if I have a problem that he has experienced himself. He’s just not brilliant at it if he hasn’t.

I wonder if he does find it hard when I’m down because I provide him with a lot of emotional support if he needs it, and I also pretty much always have a brave/positive face on if I’m feeling upset. It’s when it really gets too much that it starts to crack, and I understand that isn’t fun for anyone, although I do try and keep it under wraps as much as possible.

I’m not really worried about Covid as in getting it (no point, back in full time with 30 kids in September!) but more that I still can’t see my family properly and my brother won’t see anyone until there’s a vaccine, and it all feels a bit crap.

I really disagree with you there, dreaming. Obviously you know your own relationship and that person, but I don't think this is indicative of the kind of manipulation you're talking about. Not everybody shows support in the same way.

@BitOfFun yeah there isn’t really a deliberately manipulative bone in his body. He’s just burnt out from work tonight I think and unable to see past that, but it is frustrating to repeatedly tell someone what you need from them and then never get it - literally “it really helps when you put your arm round me when I’m upset”.
It might be something I have to accept, as I feel for me it’s truly not enough to end things over.

@catsandlavender something to bear in mind is that he may be good at analyzing his feeling when you're there to support him.

If your MH is feeling awful, AND you're not there to help him deal with his feelings about that, AND he feels you're asking for something he's not great at, AND... (etc) - he may crumble much more quickly than you anticipate.

My dp is terrible about feelings but has been trying so so hard to learn, bless him. He has gotten a lot better. But the fact is, he still relies on me to be the "expert" on feelings. Which, honestly of the two of us I am. So it stands to reason that if I have a shit day and am super emotional, he really struggles sometimes because he is suddenly on his own in a landscape that he knows isn't his strong suit. Years ago he had an anxiety attack while we were on holiday and I was having a blue day - because he was trying to "cheer me up" (which doesn't work on me) - and he ran out of steam and just started panicking basically. (fwiw that was the catalyst for him, from then on he started to read about emotions and so on)

Your dp might be the same, but with lower insight into his feelings so he responds with annoyance and dismissiveness, rather than anxiety. My exFIL was like that so I recognize the pattern. It isn't uncommon, unfortunately.

BitOfFun -- I didn't say it was manipulative, I think basically it's just a bit selfish, or lacking empathy.

From what the OP writes, he is not incapable of emotions or support, but he can only be supportive when he has some personal understanding of the issue and thus can appreciate the need for support. Otherwise he's not supportive.

To me it's a bit like a partner who will happily spend money for things that they want to do but doesn't see the point in his wife spending money on, say, a nice haircut. It's not accepting that other people will have their own legitimate needs and wants.

For example, I sometimes get a bit “in my head” about intimacy (past relationship issues). So does he. When I told him about this he was amazing, I felt so heard and respected - he gave me a massive hug, was really empathetic. But it’s because he feels the same way. I’d say that’s one of the only times I’ve gone to him with an emotional problem and felt like he’s really heard and understood what I have to say. 😬

The reason I say it's unhealthy op is because the things you are tearful and wanting sympathy for are by your own admission about you struggling with your mental health, rather than situations that generally require emotional support. So by reassuring you and sympathising he'd be inadvertently enabling your anxiety. Which doesn't help you overcome it, and will become very draining for him, so you enter a vicious circle where you need increasing support, and he has decreasing ability to offer it.

@rvby emotional comfort is also a finite resource, so you can't assume anyone not able to offer it is just emotionally unfit. It's just as possible that they've burnt out from having to provide too much in the past, whether that's the current relationship or a past experience. And tbf, to many people practical, rather than emotional can be something they consider to be more helpful, both to give and receive.

My partner turns everything back to him. I’ve brought my kids up alone , work full time and am always trying to be Pollyanna about everything but he has low self esteem and always criticises himself. Yesterday, I had a very rare wobble; emotional about the kids, conflict with dealership over my car, going to court after an RTA, renovating a house (on my own) dealing with dreadful exPartner and God knows what else. His response-“ I expect it’s me, I’m such a twat this is all my fault, I can see I’ve upset you” etc etc... so self absorbed, I ended up comforting and reassuring him FFS!

I mean, honestly if he’d given me some actual practical advice/comment like “why don’t you try XYZ” or “we’ll make sure we properly wind down over the holiday” that would probably have been fine. But just “I’m tired, I don’t have the energy, you have to get on with it” when I hardly ever ask for his support with anxiety/low mood is a bit much IMO, and he made those comments after I’d started the thread. I’m not asking him to enable me - I don’t need or want that. I have gotten to a much better place over the years - before we were together I had awful panic disorder which I managed and recovered from alone. I’m just asking him for some basic kindness.

Sorry, I don’t want to come off defensive, but feel the need to clarify that I’m not begging him to fix all my problems and baby me! I find that very off putting in people. I just want him to understand that sometimes “well, that’s just how it is” doesn’t really cut it.

you can't assume anyone not able to offer it is just emotionally unfit I apologise for creating the impression that I made that assumption, that is the opposite of what I assume. I was presenting some ideas for the OP to consider before she castigates her DP too much.

FWIW I don't think her DP is "emotionally unfit", I think you misunderstood my analogy there, I was trying to give an example of how if someone isn;t used to doing something, they will find it harder and more exhausting, somewhat like exercise. Also, I am very aware that practical support is a good thing

My DH is like that, but I'm happy with it because, for me, there is nothing worse than someone trying to hug and console me when I'm feeling upset, I just want to be left alone. I hugely appreciate the practical support though. I need that, but I really don't need to be cuddled or have him struggling to say the right thing when I'm upset.

I'm also pretty crap at comforting people when they are upset, I just don't know what to say or do and I sort of assume that they are the same as me and want to be left alone so I don't want to make it worse by trying to hug them etc.

I think it is just a personality thing tbh, I don't think that he did anything wrong.
I was crying about it earlier and the only response he has is “well no one knows what’s going to happen so we all just have to get on with it” tbh I would say exactly the same thing, I don't really know what else there is to say? I don't think I would be very compatible with someone who was quite emotional. Maybe you aren't compatible?

Oh, @TrainspottingWelsh, interestingly his ex girlfriend had severe anorexia and I know he basically did everything for her and let her scream at him etc because she was “so ill” (she 100% was), so he probably struggles because of that. I know he was very scare to end the relationship because of her mental health. That was over five years ago, but I couldn’t manage something that extreme. I am NOWHERE NEAR that, I just have anxiety and like, it’s pretty normal levels. I get on with things.
I completely understand and appreciate the impact that experience had on him and I by no means want to belittle that - it’s just a bit crap for me because it leaves me pretty much alone with any of my own struggles, other than an offhand “everyone feels like that, you’ve just got to manage because it’s going to happen anyway” comment.

@MynephewR well it’s different for everyone: but for me personally if he had said “I totally get why you’re upset, it’s a shit time for everyone and it’s going to be especially hard sometimes but we just have to find a way to get through it” that would be fine - it’s just the not looking up from his phone and saying “yeah, well no one knows so we just have to get on with it” is much more dismissive to me. I’m not saying he’s wrong! It’s just hard because I keep it all in quite a bit when I have actual problems because I don’t want to be a pain, so then if I do open up about it and get that response it’s a bit 😬

I can see both sides of this. You mentioned earlier that you cry a lot. How often? Are you seeking emotional support from him constantly?

You mention you cry a lot OP & have anxiety issues. I personally would find your style of interacting quite draining. I felt for your partner when you mention he said he sometimes just wants to relax & not be so serious all the time.

I relate to that because when am feeling low/upset my way of coping is to be try to be lighthearted / joking & see the bright side.
Mid course we can’t always do that, but I can relate to feeling drained when someone wants my support by having a tendency to want to talk through their problems. It makes me feel like a therapist.

I think it’s significant that you say you cry often - it’s possible he is desensitised to the tears. I don’t cry a lot so this stood out to me.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think he sounds that bad? A lot of blokes are more “fix it” types.

If I was you, if upset would say in the moment “Can I have a hug? Your hugs always make me feel better babe” - if he is still then refusing to hug you, that’s not on.

I just think telling him generally “when I’m upset just hug me” because his default reaction may be to say something to try & fix it in the moment. But if in the moment you just ask for the hug straight up, that may be more effective way of interacting?

Also note you mention you have anxiety, but then later go on to say your anxiety is at normal levels, so am going by the first statement which is that you do have anxiety issues beyond normal levels. If I am mistaken, apologies.

Hmm he does sound quite hard hearted. But when you say you cry “a lot” how frequently is that?

“You mention you cry a lot OP & have anxiety issues. I personally would find your style of interacting quite draining. I felt for your partner when you mention he said he sometimes just wants to relax & not be so serious all the time.”

This. And also as Viking suggests: maybe just tell him you would really appreciate a hug. Many men (my DH included) do try to fix problems and feel a bit helpless if they can’t. Don’t belittle that instinct - that’s their way of showing their love. When my DM was terribly ill and then dying (over a period of c. 9 months), my DH didn’t really know what to say to me but he took on even more of the parenting and household tasks (and he already did his share) so that I could visit my mum at weekends and so on. That was a huge support.

I meant I cry at something on the tv if we watch a sad film, or if I see something sad on facebook, or if I think about the fact that I’m unlikely to go into my parents house until next year - I never cry when we argue, for example. I’m seriously not some pathetic anxious crybaby Also, I usually cry about life stuff when I’m alone.

@vikingwife I have anxiety but I mean it’s not off the charts, it used to be awful but most days it’s fine. When it flares up, I mostly deal with it by myself because there’s no point talking to him about it. It doesn’t impact his life.

I don’t seek comfort from him constantly, I would just like for him to not act like he doesn’t care at all when I’m genuinely upset about something. And he knows I’m genuinely upset about it, because I communicate that.

When I made this post, he was just doing his usual thing of being a bit practical. Afterwards (and we hadn’t been talking about it the whole time), he literally said “your life isn’t bad.” “You need to get over it.” If I was constantly crying about my problems and begging him for support then fair enough, but I work full time usually as well as doing everything in the house and giving him a lot of support and keeping myself together so it does hurt.

I think he struggles to get it because he sees his family frequently and stays in their house and sleeps over so it’s pretty much normal for him now, but my parents probably won’t have us in the house for Christmas whereas he will stay with his for over a week.

@Dery if I say to him I want a hug in the moment he won’t give it, I just need to accept that he doesn’t want to for whatever reason and respect that. He’s supportive in other ways, its just hard when I feel like I give more than I get.

I’m confused & it feels like this thread is contradictory

• you say you have anxiety issues, then say your anxiety is normal range

• you describe being someone that cries a lot, then backtrack & say you’re not a crybaby

• you say when you’re anxious you don’t go to him for support because it’s not his issue to deal with, but this thread is about the fact that you do need his support

You sound like quite an emotionally charged person. I note the type of language you use in relation to being sad about your family is that (paraphrasing) you cry whenever you think of the fact that you will likely be unable to walk through your parents’ front door this year.

That is arguably, quite dramatic language & it being a pandemic I imagine this thought may cross your mind quite frequently. Are your parents ill ? Ageing & not expected to live long?

It is difficult because if you have needed comfort about the same specific issue a number of times, people can get care burnout. What you describe really isn’t that bad - I mean this gently, it’s not. People have given birth & died & not had family able to be there. You have the phone, you have zoom, you can connect in various ways with your family. It really actually isn’t that bad & maybe your boyfriend feels like pandering to this is not helping you.

You say you have a variety of people you can turn to, why not actually call your parents when you feel sad you can’t see them? If you were crying about this to me I would be confused as to why you can’t call your parents & have a chat to tell them you miss them, then move on with your day.

It’s important to not expect one person to be the one who you rely on for your emotional support. Who else do you lean on for emotional support ?

I do think he is likely desensitised to your tears, based on what you’ve said here.

OP, have you ever read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'?

I'm sure someone will come along to tell me everything that's wrong with that book (it is MN after all) but it has helped DH and I hugely when we struggled a bit with similar themes.

It's a little dated and generalises greatly but you can easily take what you need from it. It tells us why men need to fix problems whereas women need to be heard.

Kindle version was £4 on amazon so worth a punt to make real improvements in your relationship

@ProfMcGonigle showing my age here but remember when that book was released it was all the rage ! This does remind me of a “men from Venus, women mars” type situation actually ! Love the retro throwback

So I’m diagnosed with anxiety. But I would say that despite this, 90% of the time it’s fine. I mean like, normal range for an anxiety diagnosis, I live my life completely normally but sometimes find things harder than the average person.

I cry at sad things, but I don’t go to him crying about my problems. If I’m genuinely upset about something I usually cry when I’m on my own. I am very close with my family and sometimes the thought that things aren’t going to be normal with that for a long time upsets me. I said in a previous comment this is really the first time I’ve cracked about it since March. I’ve kept it together until now. My parents are both vulnerable.

I would really like for him to give me emotional support for it, because I feel like you should be able to have that from your partner at least sometimes. He isn’t really able to give it, for example if I say “I’m feeling sad and it would help to have a hug” he won’t look up from his phone and will say “in a minute”, and then doesn’t. Maybe I’m mad in thinking that’s like.. not that kind?

I just think PPs have decided that I cry to him constantly and am always anxious and worn him down with this, and it’s really not true. I know his strong suit isn’t emotional support so mostly if I need it, I speak to my friends about stuff, I speak to my mum about it. It’s just that sometimes it would be nice to be able to do that face to face at the moment, and I don’t feel like it’s appropriate for him to basically tell me he’s not talking about it on a rare occasion I am actually quite upset around him.

This also ties in with the fact he never, ever says sorry for anything. These things combined can sometimes make me feel like he doesn’t really value me.

@ProfMcGonigle omg I nicked my mum’s copy when I was about 10 😂 but obviously didn’t understand any of it so maybe I’ll try it again! Thanks!