Should I set boundaries for dp with money - what would you do in my shoes

[DoomM]

have name changed for this. Will try not to drip feed but give you the facts.

I am a high earner. When I met dp (4-5 yrs ago) he was also earning a v good salary but still half of what I earned. We moved in together (he moved into my London flat), he contributed to costs and all was fine. We then decided we were going to buy a house (rurally but nearer his dcs) - my credit is better than his, so last year, we bought a house with a big mortgage in my name.

around a month after this, he lost his job. it was a brutal sacking, they claimed gross misconduct with no evidence so he took them to court and it all got settled out of court but not with a huge payment for him. Due to the fight (months with painstaking evidence) he was incredibly low and he was looking for jobs but really struggling to get them.

as it was near the end of the year (2019) we agreed he would stop looking and give himself a break. In the meantime, because he felt guilty about not contributing cost wise, he really upped all his contributions at home. Started doing all the cooking, shopping etc.

then covid hit and it became clear he wasn't going to find a job so he decided to start a new business, with 2 business partners. It's not profitable yet but it's doing ok (it's a software based business).

my problem, and the reason to ask about the boundaries, is that dp is still unable to contribute anything. I have no idea how long this will continue because I have no idea if or when this business might become profitable (it's looking promising but who knows). But in the meantime I am paying for all our costs - the mortgage on the house, the old flat, our living expenses and dp is taking money out of the joint account to spend on himself (his phone bill/stuff he buys for his kids etc.).

the issue is that I can easily afford this - I have a ludicrously stressful, high profile job that has been excessively impacted by Covid. I've spent months without a break trying desperately hard to cut costs to avoid making people redundant. And I am now feeling resentful. I heard dp tell his friend that he is living his 'best life'. That he's so in love with me, we have a great relationship (we do), that he's setting up this business and he's never going back to the corporate world again. Except of course that this strategy relies on me supporting him financially until he can contribute which we haven't discussed! I think even if it does do well, with 2 other partners and having to employ more people as it grows, we would be lucky to get to a point where he is contributing enough to cover his own costs.

I do love him and I cannot deny that when he was able to contribute financially, he certainly did and when he stopped being able to, he absolutely upped his game domestically to show he intended to make a contribution financial or not. And he is really working hard on making this business successful. And of course I can afford the position we are in.

But something is nagging me about the possibility that he is never able to contribute financially and I never intended to be in a relationship where I had another dependant. Although I don't think he is chancing his arm, I am slightly concerned about this position lasting forever and him getting his 'best life' while I get a hugely stressful life with the burden of financial responsibility! He has also been dropping hints about letting out the flat - which I can't do as it's my children's home and although they are at university, they come back often (my son has SN and MH issues so is back and forth a bit!) and the house is miles away so not in any way convenient for them and neither of them drive. I don't mind airbnb'ing it but it's not going to work now with Covid and London anyway.

Should I set a time limit within which he should be able to contribute financially? How would you deal with this? Am I being unreasonable?

I’d dump him.
Due to circumstances he’s reliant on you but it sounds like he’s enjoying it too much to give it up.
Sell the house and move back to London or sell the flat?

What do you get out of this relationship now? What is there really to love about him and why is your relationship bar seemingly so very low here?.

I would dump him because he is a millstone around your neck.

Of course he's living his best life. Free house, free food, free everything. You've got a cocklodger on your hands.

I think it's definitely a conversation you need to have. If it continues the way it is the resentment will only become stronger.
Setting a time limit could be discussed to give him a goal. However, it sounds like he's making the best of his situation (starting a business and helping around the house now that he's home).
It sounds like he's had a bit of crap luck but he's clawing his way back.
Hope that helps

Set a time limit. I'd say 2 years. My friend had married someone who was an ok earner and then decided to requalify and lived out of my friend's pocket for 1.5 years. We all raised our eyebrows wondering if he is being cocklodger. Now years later, he is a high earner and fully supports his family. It was worthwhile.
Given how good your DP was before with contributions, give him some slack

Be grateful you’re not married
The rest sounds like it requires a conversation

If he were the woman and you were the man how would you feel? I think you'd be happy to support him in this new dream. But because he is the man...it maybe feels more like he should be the provider/supporter rather than the one that gets to be a dreamer. Which maybe isn't fair.

If money was an issue and he was still this way then that would be a different story. But you're minted do why not let him do as he pleases? That being said, it should never come at expense to your happiness.

This may highlight that you also need to change jobs. As seeing one person living their 'best life' whilst you slave away, is bound to grate on you. Perhaps you both need to make changes. As both should be happy if it can be financially afforded. But neither happiness should come at the expense of the others.

Him not earning doesn't impact you if you fan easily afford it and he's picking up the slack at home as well as starting his business. I honestly don't see the problem.

If your job is so stressful maybe look at doing something else?

Don't underestimate how much of a help it is having someone doing everything at home. You've said he has really upped his game.

You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him you heard his conversation and how it made you feel. Ask him if he has any idea when he thinks he'll be able to contribute financially and see what he says. Perhaps also suggest he doesn't just treat himself from the joint account. I wouldn't be too impressed if my DH bought himself a phone without mentioning it to me, and the same if I wanted something expensive.

I won't be getting married again believe me

thanks, differing opinions here! I don't believe he's a cocklodger - he's definitely shown he wasn't for the first 4 years - and he contributes now, just not financially.

it's actually interesting what you say about my job - that's a good point. I think part of the problem is that I feel hard done by - unfortunately with coronavirus, changing jobs now wouldn't work but I think i will work out a strategy where i start planning towards something that's less stressful

I'd watch this if I were you.
My ex husband sponged for 20 years, always in and out of work, always relying on me to fund everything, me working overtime to support him.
The second he started earning decent money he dumped me - he didn't want to share his money with me, wanted it all for himself. I was only any good as long as I was paying for his lifestyle.
I won't be that stupid again.
Especially as you are not married I see no reason why you should be supporting him in this way. It's time to set some firm boundaries.
Men rarely respect women who provide for them - it seems to be an inbuilt thing.

Reverse the sexes and this sounds like loads of relationships I know, high earning man supporting a wife who either looks after the home or dabbles in activities that earn a bit of cash but not enough to make any real difference.

They all see it as normal though (and certainly wouldn’t consider the wives to be gold diggers (if that is the right term for a female cocklodger!).

Ultimately any set up is fine if it works for both people, otherwise you need to reassess.

IMO this is what a partnership is about, supporting the other when they need be it financially, emotionally or through health difficulties.
It sounds like your partner has had little control over what has happened, has taken steps to try and get back on his feet although due to circumstances has struggled.
It also sounds like he has a new found appreciation for you because you have stuck by him and supported him through a very difficult time (as opposed to how you see it that he is getting a free ticket). He has increased his non-financial input to try and support you in return.

While I appreciate the situation is not your fault either and will cause additional strain, It seems to me that YABU. And if you are unwilling or resentful of the give and take situation then perhaps a partnership is not what you want or are suited to.

You don’t seem to have serious problems covering the reduction in household income which will not be forever. Putting a time limit will on him will cause significant stress and what if he can’t do anything about it due to COVID and economic fallout? Would you be willing to throw away a good relationship regardless of him doing everything he can? What if the roles were reversed?

If he isn't contributing to the mortgage, and you aren't married - is this house yours?:

If so, bear in mind that he is in a precarious position you could chuck him out on his ear at any point. So he's trading security for an easier life.

I'd definitely have separate finances, decide what you are going to give him each month and only give him that amount. I would also point out that you will not be supporting him or his business in any other way, and that you find his lack of financial contribution and reliance on you deeply unattractive. He may feel the same way about your reluctance to fund him though.

If the house does belong to him in some way, I'd want to make is clear that if you split up, the equity in the house will not be being split equally, and get this legally drawn up.

I'm also wondering if it was only 'bad luck' he lost his job when he did. There are some very crafty people around who are perfect until they have you where they want you. But I'm probably overly-suspicious.

So his version of his best life is him being dependent on you financially? That's most men's worst life.

And if it's his best life, how hard will he try to make his business work?

Is he paying any child support? You said he was using your money to buy things for his kids - has he no shame at all?

I don't think reversing the sexes shows anything. Just because some men might be happy in the OPs situation, it doesn't mean she should be.
Also, in most families where the sexes reversed version of this is the case, the wife has done the hard yards of parenting, whereas OP has uni aged children and a 5 year relationship.

I would approach this from the back, OP. Look at your pensions and when you can afford to retire, explain you are doing this and ask to what extent he thinks he will be contributing next year. Do it nicely but in a practical fashion.

I think you need a conversation with him about time limits and that if at that point his business isn’t making money he needs to take on another job even if it’s part time to at least pay for what he spends.
I know you’ve not mentioned it but i wouldn’t marry this man with how it stands and I’d make sure there’s something in place so that if you split up he can’t claim half the house (that you’re paying for) as his own.

I would say that you have to tighten the belt as you can't carry on in this highly stressful job and he needs to stop helping himself to money out of the joint account.

I would be looking at your pension, income, outgoings and how/when you can afford to change your job - also what if you get made redundant?

You need to be clear that the current situation isn't sustainable as you can't handle to stress. Longer term can you really afford the current house? Far more work opportunities for him in London.

I think a conversation is needed. He’s assuming that you are perfectly happy for the current financial and domestic arrangements to continue indefinitely.

That’s a bit unfair of him unless you have both said this is the case? if not it’s time to lay it all out and discuss it. Affordability is only one part of the overall picture.

thanks all - I have no intention of breaking up with him. Just pondering my next step.

I own everything - the house, the flat etc. Yes, he's in a precarious position re his own finances. He's still paying child maintenance out of the payoff he got from his job - we agreed that morally this was the correct thing to do, to keep that aside for the commitments to his kids but it's not going to last much longer. His exw knows he is out of work and also knows he has started a new business to try and make ends meet so she's also aware that if he can't earn income in a few months from this business, then there's an issue.

funnily enough, if this was a long marriage with kids and 20 years together, I don't think I would even be thinking this

the issue for me is this is a 5 yr relationship - a very happy one - but I'm just concerned re it being in this dynamic forever as although I can afford it, I hadn't really planned to be in this position from a financial point of view and I have other dependants (dc incl one who is SN so may need more financial help going forward).

I think the reverse planning is a good idea - I really want him to be successful and I think he has it in him but it's a difficult time economically out there

I'll start with where we want to be at retirement age financially and work backwards

I agree with PPs you need to separate out the issues with your DP and his business/opportunities etc and your own job satisfaction.

It sounds like he’s pulling his weight and has tried to make the best of a bad situation. I don’t think he should necessarily have free access to your joint money for his DCs etc but as he’s living with a high earner he won’t be eligible for any low income benefits, so you will have to subsidise him to some extent or move him out.

Re the flat that’s sitting unused for your DCs to stay in whenever it’s convenient - that seems like a huge waste of a valuable resource. It should absolutely be let, if only as an Air BNB as you mentioned. But if you got tenants in, I’m sure their rent would cover the cost of an air bnb for the kids on the odd occasion they need somewhere to stay? If they’re at Uni of course they’ll be home in the holidays, but often students stay in their uni accommodation and get a job there over the summer, so they may not need somewhere long term back at home? Even so, if you let out the flat then you’ll still be seeing that as ‘your income’ rather than family money, so it won’t solve your issue with DP ‘freeloading’. I think you need to decide if he’s actually your partner, in which case some financial support is fair and expected while he’s fallen on hard times and building a business, or if he’s just a boyfriend, in which case move him out, let him claim Universal credit as a single person on a low income, to cover his rent and expenses while he’s finding his feet, and hope that if he becomes the next Bill Gates, he doesn’t hold you to the same standard!

It's not fair to 'reverse the sexes and this would be ok'. Of course it wouldn't, how offensive. Maybe some couples choose the dynamics where one is largely responsible for all of the family income and one is responsible for housework etc, but that isn't the dynamic that OP chose, it's a situation she's found herself in after her partner's situation changed.

How much OP earns is irrelevant. So what if she's minted? It doesn't change the principle. He's still 'living his best life' on her dollar whilst she works her knuckles to the bone in a stressful job. I don't think posters would have such a laissez faire attitude towards this situation if the OP was earning 20k per annum but this covered the bills.

He needs to know you are fed up . And I agree, if your job was enjoyable and less stressful, you might feel very different.

Bear in mind too that you are building up your own equity and presumably pension, which he isn't. So although it feels like his best life now, he ought also to be thinking about his own future financial security.

I think you have to sit down with him and work out where he can cut his expenses (maybe his old flat for starters?) and set some time period in place with what you want to happen. Perhaps whilst on directly saying "I won't support you beyond data Y" you can ensure he has a limit on his spending, has cut back wherever he can to keep expenses down and make clear this isn't a blank cheque to support him in his new business. Hopefully, if you sit down and discuss together you'll be able to arrive at what you need to do and achieve together.

I earn 2/3 of the money in our household and honestly I don't see the problem. Your OH would have got a job if he could and he has taken sensible steps to do something else to bring the money in. You say the new business is going well so there is good reason to believe it will bring in more than he pays in child support and then he will be contributing. If you're financially really able to, like you say, but you don't want to actually support him in this way I wonder whether you are as committed to each other as you are making out? If you're not looking for the sort of relationship where you support each other in this way then maybe just tell him and he can decide for himself whether that works for him or not.