Should I set boundaries for dp with money - what would you do in my shoes

[DoomM]

have name changed for this. Will try not to drip feed but give you the facts.

I am a high earner. When I met dp (4-5 yrs ago) he was also earning a v good salary but still half of what I earned. We moved in together (he moved into my London flat), he contributed to costs and all was fine. We then decided we were going to buy a house (rurally but nearer his dcs) - my credit is better than his, so last year, we bought a house with a big mortgage in my name.

around a month after this, he lost his job. it was a brutal sacking, they claimed gross misconduct with no evidence so he took them to court and it all got settled out of court but not with a huge payment for him. Due to the fight (months with painstaking evidence) he was incredibly low and he was looking for jobs but really struggling to get them.

as it was near the end of the year (2019) we agreed he would stop looking and give himself a break. In the meantime, because he felt guilty about not contributing cost wise, he really upped all his contributions at home. Started doing all the cooking, shopping etc.

then covid hit and it became clear he wasn't going to find a job so he decided to start a new business, with 2 business partners. It's not profitable yet but it's doing ok (it's a software based business).

my problem, and the reason to ask about the boundaries, is that dp is still unable to contribute anything. I have no idea how long this will continue because I have no idea if or when this business might become profitable (it's looking promising but who knows). But in the meantime I am paying for all our costs - the mortgage on the house, the old flat, our living expenses and dp is taking money out of the joint account to spend on himself (his phone bill/stuff he buys for his kids etc.).

the issue is that I can easily afford this - I have a ludicrously stressful, high profile job that has been excessively impacted by Covid. I've spent months without a break trying desperately hard to cut costs to avoid making people redundant. And I am now feeling resentful. I heard dp tell his friend that he is living his 'best life'. That he's so in love with me, we have a great relationship (we do), that he's setting up this business and he's never going back to the corporate world again. Except of course that this strategy relies on me supporting him financially until he can contribute which we haven't discussed! I think even if it does do well, with 2 other partners and having to employ more people as it grows, we would be lucky to get to a point where he is contributing enough to cover his own costs.

I do love him and I cannot deny that when he was able to contribute financially, he certainly did and when he stopped being able to, he absolutely upped his game domestically to show he intended to make a contribution financial or not. And he is really working hard on making this business successful. And of course I can afford the position we are in.

But something is nagging me about the possibility that he is never able to contribute financially and I never intended to be in a relationship where I had another dependant. Although I don't think he is chancing his arm, I am slightly concerned about this position lasting forever and him getting his 'best life' while I get a hugely stressful life with the burden of financial responsibility! He has also been dropping hints about letting out the flat - which I can't do as it's my children's home and although they are at university, they come back often (my son has SN and MH issues so is back and forth a bit!) and the house is miles away so not in any way convenient for them and neither of them drive. I don't mind airbnb'ing it but it's not going to work now with Covid and London anyway.

Should I set a time limit within which he should be able to contribute financially? How would you deal with this? Am I being unreasonable?

Why does he want you to rent out your flat? If you are earning enough to pay all the bills why the sudden interest in the flat? Unless he has got his eye on the money for something that he wants / needs

I don't think you can separate how you feel about paying for him and finding your job stressful. Half the issue seems to be that paying for him is affordable on your current salary but you would like the option of moving to a less stressful, and likely lower earning, job. That won't feel possible if the expectation is that you will continue to cover all expenses. I think I would speak to him about when the business should start making money, and if it isn't the need for him to look for a job. You can couch it around not wanting to stay in your job forever, and worrying that he expects you to. Frankly if he's a good a guy as you say I'd be surprised if he isn't already thinking about this in relation to his business as presumably he will want to be supporting his children.

@updownroundandround,I agree.

How old are his children? Does he have equity from the marriage? I wouldn't have an issue supporting a partner financially if I could afford it and they were not just cruising.
I think your issue is you are getting burnt out so the comparison is much worse than usual.

he's not a freeloader either, he WANTS to contribute.

All freeloaders say they want to contribute! All think they ARE contributing.

I think sometimes people just get complacent, if he thinks you're ok with the situation, and that he's happy with it, why would he rock the boat. I'm sure he's not being a cocklodger, but it would be very easy to be happy with the situation in his shoes.

However in your shoes I'd sit him down and tell him that your job has a shelf life with the stress etc, and that by X time he needs to either be making a living from his business, or getting a job in the 'corporate' side. As you'll need to take a step back from high earning and he needs to be contributing to enable you to do this.

Oh, and do not get married to him.

So are you a serious couple, or are you just playing at houses?

I know that sounds harsh, but I think pondering that question would help you forward.

If you believe he is not at fault regarding losing his job, then this is one of those situations that arise from time to time that couples have to deal with together. The fact it is compounded by Covid is not his fault. By all means have a chat with him, it may set your mind at rest, but I'd couch it in terms of how you both see things going forward from here. As you say, he has at least stepped up his efforts in other areas, so he obviously feels he needs to pull his weight. Good luck.

He sounds lazy to me. The business is a red herring, he should be looking for a job. My mum told me to make sure any man I married was kind, and a worker, I am very glad I took her advice.

Is it the flat comments tipping you over the edge? That would be it for me- hang on, you think I should rent the flat out to get more income? When it’s an asset I have to benefit my children, which you know? When you say that with plans to use my assets for us to get more income at the cost of my children’s convenience, I have to be honest. It makes me think hang on, I live with another capable adult. If more income would be useful then I really think you should be focussed on bringing some in, not on things my children use. When do you anticipate your business bringing in some money?

Maybe you need an out in the open conversation to flag that you wouldn't be happy being the breadwinner indefinitely, that he will need to have income from his business by X deadline, that he might want to keep options open by applying for jobs and that selling or renting out the flat is not an option to subsidise him as it is needed by your kids who have to be your priority - as should his kids be, he needs a plan for maintenance for them when his payout is gone.

I heard dp tell his friend that he is living his 'best life'.

Are you sure that wasn’t just bravado after a horrible year? People do tend to put a brave face on suboptimal circumstances.

At the end of the day he doesn’t have a claim to the property - I led you were legally married this would present more complications financially.

As it stands the main issues I would have is him using your money to fund presents for his children. I would not be ok with that. I would also take exception to him referring to it as “the flat” - it’s your flat & while I agree it could be rented out, that would be to help you offset the mortgages- not to free up play money for him. Or was he suggesting this just to help with ideas on easing the financial burden to you generally? Because in theory it’s quite a sensible option to not leave a property empty when it could be rented.

But being a high earned & having someone at home to cook + clean has its advantages, this is why when roles reversed it works well for men. Having someone to take the domestic load off does make for an easier life in many ways.

Is it possible that you could see the advantages of this set up?

I’m wondering what the gross misconduct was for & what kind of business plan he has here. I would be wanting to see a business plan before I sunk more of my money into investing in his dreams.

I find it odd that you don’t want to be married again but this set up sound very much like a marriage - am wondering if he realises the precarious financial position he is in, does he believe these properties also belong to him?

As others have said he is trading his financial security for an easy life now. As long as he is still doing the domestic load, I personally wouldn’t have a problem so much, as it’s lovely to come home after a hard day’s work to a clean house, hot meal & a friendly face.

DH did this to me too although he didn't earn that much in the first place but still it helped with the bills.

I gave his new business venture 6 months and if I didn't start to see some kind of financial contribution then he had to get a "proper"
Job........6 months later he got a job

I don't think you're at all unreasonable to want to set a time limit.

Do you feel his lack of contribution is affecting how you see him as a partner? Once a man has an aura of 'dependent' about him, many women find it difficult to continue to find him attractive as he slides into 'child' rather than 'capable adult' role. The 'living my best life!' comment would definitely be a red flag for me. His priorities are askew.

Defo wouldn't get married either, in your position.

Ugh. He's a cocklodger as pp have said. Get rid!

Well for most of their relationship he also was a high earner and paid his way. This all happened just before the pandemic so it hasn't been that long. Though agree with everyone that he should realise that you aren't going to fund a hobby business and that if it doesn't make enough money for him to fund himself and his children then he needs to find a job.

Your dp needs a plan as to how he’s going to continue to afford maintenance once his money runs out. How many hours a week is he spending on the business? Is it full time? If he doesn’t want to join the corporate world again, he could work part time for pin money to pay his way and part time on the business.

As for a timescale, it sounds as though he’s been doing this business for a few months now. How long do you think? And how long does he think until it turns a profit?

OP I’m not sure if you’re aware but if god forbid something happened to you, a cohabitant can make a claim against your estate. If you have lived together for 2 years or more they are eligible. Essentially they can sue your estate for reasonable financial provision. I would be concerned about that in your situation as you are essentially paying for his entire life. The interpretation of Reasonable provision could be very substantial here. I would recommend taking legal advice and doing a will ASAP.

Presumably you agreed to support/encourage him when he took a year off work. And presumably you also agreed to support/encourage him when he went about setting up the business. But now you’ve changed your mind because you see the realities of what it means, and you want to withdraw your support? This is perfectly reasonable as it sound like quite a financial and emotional burden. Being the main-bread winner in a family is quite a responsibility. Traditionally it used to always be the men who were in this position but now it is more and more common to see a traditional roll reversal or less of a difference between earnings writhing a relationship.

You need to communicate with him that you are not happy to continue supporting him on his journey. But I’m not sure what you expect him to do if he doesn’t contribute within your suggested deadline? Would you want him to close his business(that hopefully he has been working hard towards) and get a job elsewhere? That could be a very challenging request.

A huge fingers crossed for you that his business takes off and perhaps there will then be an opportunity for him to take some of the financial burden off you. Then hopefully you’ll have the Head Space to think about your job and if it’s where you want to be.

P.s. this is coming from someone who is very grateful that their partner allowed them to take a year off work to retrain for a career change. Although as he is still the main breadwinner I can imagine how much of a challenge if would be for me if he wanted the same opportunity!

thanks all

his job loss definitely wasn't his fault. They changed the top management of the company and they sacked him on a totally made up charge. It was actually hideous - even thinking about it now makes me shudder. He was totally exonerated and I can see why it's put him off corporate life as it took a massive toll on his mental health.

I do have a will - I've been married and divorced before, it was v v bitter and because I was the higher earner, I had to actually pay out to my exh. I had to remortgage where we were living at the time to pay him out half of it despite me still having the kids the majority of the time (and one of them having SN). My divorce lawyer retired after my case because he said he'd never seen a man behave so atrociously in a divorce and he's seen a few in his time!

dp is a kind man, he really is - and the suggestion for the flat rental was I think a bit out of guilt. He was trying to think of ways to ease the burden and he has a point about it being empty a lot of the time but because of my Sn child and him only recently leaving home, I want to leave it at least another year in case things don't work out for him (ds), which they may not!

I suppose I was posting because I do have that niggly doubt, that tiny voice in my head, that says protect yourself. I think it's a bit because of my horrific divorce, even though that was 10 years ago. I'm always v wary of @madcatladyforever story - I don't want to be in a situation where his business really takes off and he buggers off. None of this is fair on the person dp appears to be now - but I still think 4-5 yrs is a short time. if you'd said to me when I was happily married, would your dh behave this way in a divorce, I would have said no - so I guess I'm just super wary of men suddenly becoming arseholes!

The retirement chat is a good idea - I'm going to sit down with him tonight so that we can make a 10 year plan as to what we want to do then, where we want to live etc. and work backwards to today. I really appreciate all your views, it's been v useful in me getting to this point! x

I find it odd that you don’t want to be married again but this set up sound very much like a marriage - am wondering if he realises the precarious financial position he is in, does he believe these properties also belong to him?

I don't find it odd at all that OP doesn't want to marry again. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him in this situation. He doesn't seem to have any assets of his own. OP has a flat and has bought the house in her own name too. She earns a lot more than him. He's now self-employed setting up a business which may or may not take off.
If they were to marry and later divorce he would have a claim on all of this because he's supported her in her career etc, he has taken on the bulk of the domestic work etcetc.
Don't marry him OP!

@ivfdreaming

DH did this to me too although he didn't earn that much in the first place but still it helped with the bills.

I gave his new business venture 6 months and if I didn't start to see some kind of financial contribution then he had to get a "proper"
Job........6 months later he got a job

TBF, that’s completely pointless. Most new start ups take three years to turn a profit, so you should have just banned him from self employment in the first place, if telling your partner what to do is part of your relationship dynamic.