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Original poster

When do you get a say in your partner's finances

66 replies

MNJourneywoman · 29/07/2020 20:53

My DP and I have been living together for 2 years and split the expenses, with him paying more - proportionally based on (net) income. I in effect pay 30% to his 70.
He has just been made redundant, albeit still has good job prospects. He has however, decided (with little to no discussion) that he want's to take an extended period off work - length as yet defined. He intends to live off his redundancy and otherwise decent savings.

My question would be, shouldn't this be something we discussed / agreed upon earlier. I now have to find more money as he wants to move it to 50 / 50 now he isn't earning.
Do i get a say in how he covers his part of the bills / rent etc? How long after living with someone is normal for a more joined up approach to finances?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 29/07/2020 20:58

I'd say you get a say when it has an impact on you.
However, I think 50/50 is a reasonable split. You've been paying less than him till now. Because the other part of being a family is pulling together. Finances can change at any point. Sometimes you'll pay more, sometimes he will. You have to see it that you're a team.

VettiyaIruken · 29/07/2020 21:00

Posted too soon.
But it is very sensible to agree a time limit. It's too easy to let things slide too long, then it is so much harder.

Also he needs to consider the impact an extended break could have on his career.

Original poster
MNJourneywoman · 29/07/2020 21:19

It just seems like unusual behaviour to be like "no more working for me until further notice". Maybe it's burnout or something.

I am also a bit annoyed that i have to find over 60% more for the finances with minimal discussion...and whilst I understand that his savings are his, I would've hoped he / we could've used them for something more useful. /it just seems wasteful to doss off work for an undisclosed period of time.

OP posts:
Awkwarddough · 29/07/2020 21:24

My DH moved into my rented home about two weeks after we started seeing each other, about the same time we opened two joint bank accounts , one for our bills and one for our food shopping. All of our money has always gone into our bills account and then we pay ourselves a monthly spending amount from that. He gets £250 I get £150. I chose the amounts, he earns almost double what I earn as I work part time to look after our toddler, however he doesn’t get more because he earns more, he gets more because he spends it on hobbies etc. Whereas I find I don’t need as much.

We’ve been together 5 years and married for 3 now and we’ve always used this method. If you’re together as a partnership and family then your money is family money to be spent as your family needs.

Awkwarddough · 29/07/2020 21:25

I should have added we now also have joint credit card, for petrol and joint savings too :)

Fairycake2 · 29/07/2020 21:42

Personally I think he is being unreasonable expecting you to find an extra 20% without any kind of discussion. I'm all for paying 50/50 but relationships are supposed to be a partnership and big decisions should be agreed

Yaottie · 29/07/2020 21:47

If he's still contributing then yes it's up to him what he does with his time. And yes, he can say to you he wants to adjust the bills. If you need time to figure that out then discuss it with him, but no it's absolutely not fair for him to still have to pay 70% when he's not currently earning.

cherrybakewells3 · 29/07/2020 22:44

Do you contribute much less because you work part time/have a child to look after? If not, I think it's a bit unreasonable for him to have been paying 40% more than you just because you earn less. DP earns double my wage but I just couldn't imagine or accept him paying that much more than me I'd feel like a bit of a freeloader. He does pay a bit more as in around £100 a month more and if I asked I'm sure he would pay even more but it isn't a struggle for me to pay what I do, it just doing sit right with me to expect him to pay so much more so I think you're being unreasonable. Can you get a better paid job if your unable to pay your half?

LemonTT · 29/07/2020 23:02

@cherrybakewells3

Do you contribute much less because you work part time/have a child to look after? If not, I think it's a bit unreasonable for him to have been paying 40% more than you just because you earn less. DP earns double my wage but I just couldn't imagine or accept him paying that much more than me I'd feel like a bit of a freeloader. He does pay a bit more as in around £100 a month more and if I asked I'm sure he would pay even more but it isn't a struggle for me to pay what I do, it just doing sit right with me to expect him to pay so much more so I think you're being unreasonable. Can you get a better paid job if your unable to pay your half?
I agree with this to a large extent.

Unless you have additional homemaking or caring responsibilities then you need to be able to pay your way in life. I would add a further condition in that it might be unreasonable of him if he had imposed an expensive lifestyle on you.

Your actual issue should really be to reduce your dependence on his income. Because as you have just found out you cannot rely on it.

JoJoSM2 · 29/07/2020 23:12

Just because he said it, doesn’t mean you need to accept it as gospel. Have a think about a solution that you’d find reasonable and have a chat with him.

It would also make sense to discuss where you’re at in terms of your relationship as you seem to view it as more committed than he does.

Different things work for different couples but in our case, we got a shared account and started pulling money and planning budgets together a few months after moving in together.

JoJoSM2 · 29/07/2020 23:14

PS I never had joined finances with ex boyfriends even when we lived together. I think it just naturally happened with DH as we were getting on very well and things were heading towards marriage.

SepticTankYank · 29/07/2020 23:28

It's not good for a young man to suddenly decide he needs a break from work. How old is he? Why are these savings not going towards something productive like a mortgage? Is he ok in himself?

I am also being made redundant and it's
A horrible position. It tests you in every way. I also don't want to work again as I feel so hurt by the whole thing but I know I have to. Why doesn't he?

timeisnotaline · 29/07/2020 23:35

You do have to pull your way financially but you get a say in outgoings. Is paying this much feasible from your monthly salary? If not you need to consider moving somewhere cheaper and other cutbacks especially if this might be for a while.
I’d explore if he’s scared to try looking for another job too. People do get hard hit for redundancies.

RantyAnty · 30/07/2020 07:52

Is the place you're now renting based on his higher wage?
How long does he intend to stay out of work?
Has he always done his fair share of housework, laundry, shopping, etc.?

Happynow001 · 30/07/2020 11:20

Do you have children together, @MNJourneywoman, or planning to? If not it might be sensible to defer for now whilst the financial and aspirational aspects of your lives become clearer.

Also what is your own work situation? Are you FT/PT? Are you able to work longer hours at work or go for promotion in order to to boost your income, or take another part time job if necessary? Currently how safe is your job now? I'm sure you are already considering these questions.

Original poster
MNJourneywoman · 31/07/2020 20:41

@Happynow001 I work FT but don't earn nearly as much as he does (well did). We don't have kids, if we did his behaviour would be totally unacceptable.
Also i should make it clearer. He took voluntary redundancy so i don't think it should really be affecting him emotionally.

@RantyAnty We live in his house, that he bought before we met and the mortgage is affordable. Im also aware that at a 50/50 split i will start paying for some of his mortgage (only a little - but still).

OP posts:
Yankathebear · 31/07/2020 20:44

It is fair to move it to 50/50 but unfair to not discuss this with you.

Crazycrazylady · 31/07/2020 20:55

Probably should have been discussed in general terms but he's not unreasonable to take some time out of that's what he wants and what he can afford and you sound like you had a good deal for the last while so it's not unreasonable for you to pay your share. Sounds like you had spent his savings in your head!

gypsywater · 31/07/2020 21:01

Bizarre you're not paying half already I think

jimmyjammy001 · 31/07/2020 23:07

If it goes beyond 50/50 in his favour then you would get a say, but at 50/50 is perfectly fair, you've had it good past 2 years now it's going back to normal /fair.

FifteenToes · 01/08/2020 00:18

It's not good for a young man to suddenly decide he needs a break from work.

Why?

Grobagsforever · 01/08/2020 00:24

So you've been living cheaply in a house he owns? Not paying rent?

YABU, you're had a very good deal up til now

PickAChew · 01/08/2020 00:25

If he wNts to live off his redundancy, he has to actually live off his redundancy and not just your money, which means he keeps on contributing a decent amount.
. If he's not willing to do that, then you hsve yourself a genuine cocklodger.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2020 00:26

We'll have you talked to him about why he has made this decision, what he'll be doing with his time etc?
Presumably even if he was looking for work, you'd be paying more then half as you pay proportionally so this isn't the else deal.
Alt your entitled to find this unacceptable and unattractive and leave

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2020 00:27

he keeps on contributing a decent amount. He'll be paying half!