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Original poster

When do you get a say in your partner's finances

66 replies

MNJourneywoman · 29/07/2020 20:53

My DP and I have been living together for 2 years and split the expenses, with him paying more - proportionally based on (net) income. I in effect pay 30% to his 70.
He has just been made redundant, albeit still has good job prospects. He has however, decided (with little to no discussion) that he want's to take an extended period off work - length as yet defined. He intends to live off his redundancy and otherwise decent savings.

My question would be, shouldn't this be something we discussed / agreed upon earlier. I now have to find more money as he wants to move it to 50 / 50 now he isn't earning.
Do i get a say in how he covers his part of the bills / rent etc? How long after living with someone is normal for a more joined up approach to finances?

OP posts:

FifteenToes · 01/08/2020 00:28

There's no rule, and in other threads on the subject here you'll all kinds of different ways that couples arrange their finances. It's a question of what works for the two of you. The only really major factor that nobody can escape is children. If you are bringing up children together, then the time one or both partners spend doing so can't be spent working, but they are effectively working for the life you've chosen together. It's not tenable to then expect them to still support themselves individually as if they have all their time available to do so (although even here, some seem to do it that way).

But that doesn't apply to you, so I really don't see why you should expect him to pay more than 50%. Even with unequal earnings, it would still be quite common to split things 50/50 and his paying more in the past indicates generosity if anything. He probably just assumed going to 50/50 would be OK because that's a kind of assumed starting point.

I also don't think you have any say over when he chooses to get another job. As long as he can pay his half of expenses, it's not really for you to say. If he runs out of money and you find yourself supporting him, then obviously that's different.

I would just get on with your life with a perfectly reasonable and normal 50/50 split and let him get on with his. If you end up not liking the new him then so be it, but you can't build a relationship on trying to prejudge and control how he runs his life.

PickAChew · 01/08/2020 00:29

And no, if it's his house, he clearly decided at some point that that was the house he was willing to pay for until it was paid for. No reason for op to contribute half when she'd never see that money again.

PickAChew · 01/08/2020 00:30

@SleepingStandingUp

he keeps on contributing a decent amount. He'll be paying half!

For a house that's his but not hers. OP gains nothing by having to pay more.

monkeymonkey2010 · 01/08/2020 00:36

He has however, decided (with little to no discussion) that he want's to take an extended period off work - length as yet defined
So basically he's decided he doesn't want to work and bring in an income....so you're meant to suck up the shortfall?

I wouldn't.
If his income had reduced cos his job/wage had changed then yes, it would be fair for you to increase your contribution.
However, he just wants to be unemployed and 'gave fun' - so he can do it at his own expense.

caringcarer · 01/08/2020 00:40

You have only been together 2 years and are not married and don't have a child together. Your do is being perfectly reasonable. Have you considered he might be fed up with you paying so little and wonder if you are taking him and his income for granted? He is asking you to step up and pay your own way. Nothing unreasonable about that. Is the half you will be paying more than you could rent for and buy good and pay your bills if you lived alone? If it is you could point that out to him. OP you really have no say over his personal finances.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2020 00:53

@PickAChew but she isn't just paying less rent, she's paying less money for bills too. And she said it's a low mortgage so even 50% is likely to be less than market rent. There's no reason she shouldn't be paying to live some where

Casmama · 01/08/2020 01:00

I find it interesting that your posts are all about you.
He took voluntary redundancy so you don't see that it should affect him emotionally but it doesn't sound like you have really discussed it.
Do you actually have any idea about his thoughts about this or is it all about you?
He isn't acting like you are in a partnership but neither are you so it sounds like a bit more effort and discussion is required from both sides rather than you coming to mumsnet to gather back up for your argument that he is being unreasonable.

FifteenToes · 01/08/2020 01:26

So basically he's decided he doesn't want to work and bring in an income....so you're meant to suck up the shortfall?

I wouldn't. If his income had reduced cos his job/wage had changed then yes, it would be fair for you to increase your contribution.
However, he just wants to be unemployed and 'gave fun' - so he can do it at his own expense.

He is doing it at his own expense. He's paying half.

What is it with people and actually reading posts before responding to them?

LemonTT · 01/08/2020 02:02

Of course the OP should pay for a roof over her head. She can’t live for free

FannyFungi · 01/08/2020 02:11

What’s the problem with paying part of his mortgage OP? Do you expect to live rent free?

Pleasebeaflesbite · 01/08/2020 06:11

@FannyFungi

What’s the problem with paying part of his mortgage OP? Do you expect to live rent free?

I am always amazed by this too. And the horror at the concept of paying off someone else’s mortgage. Mortgage payments are a combination of capital and interest, or just interest, the latter being the cost of being able to live in the home whilst arrangements are made for the capital to be paid off.

Pleasebeaflesbite · 01/08/2020 06:14

The above being said OP I don’t think that you are unreasonable in saying that this should have been discussed and agreed upon earlier. I wouldn’t be happy with this unilaterally being presented to me however I don’t think that 50-50 in this situation is unreasonable. It’s the communication that’s not right

JoJoSM2 · 01/08/2020 06:53

He took voluntary redundancy so i don't think it should really be affecting him emotionally.

Redundancies are extremely stressful. People are offered voluntary redundancies before the company making more people redundant to suit its situation. Just because you’ve got your jobs loss looming over you, and you decide to walk away on good terms before you’re told to go, doesn’t mean there’s no stress. Quite the opposite.

JoJoSM2 · 01/08/2020 06:55

I don’t think 50/50 is fair at all unless you get interest in the house.

Half the mortgage interest on the mortgage and half the bills sounds more fair.

RantyAnty · 01/08/2020 07:18

Do you have savings for yourself like saving for a house?
Are you looking to advance your career and earn more?
I guess what I am asking is what are your goals for the next 5 years?

VictoriaBun · 01/08/2020 07:20

So many different opinions here . You obviously feel like you are about to be hard done by or you would not of posted on here.
You could look at the rental market in your area for a like for like property and it's rental costs. Calculate how much it would be for a 50/50 share, include utilities etc . How does that compare with what he wants you to pay ?
He might also want your finances/ lifestyle to be more on an even keep as well. What happens if the washing machine packs up ?
It's probably a good time to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other . Relationships where one of you feels aggrieved about the other don't usually work out. Also ask yourself , have you been having it easy up to now
and if truth be told you'd be happy for it to continue ?

Whatifitallgoesright · 01/08/2020 07:47

If you're working full-time and he's now a man of leisure will he be doing more housework, cooking and shopping? How does that balance presently?

IndecentFeminist · 01/08/2020 07:53

Tbh as you are just boyfriend and girlfriend with no family etc I think he was being very generous to cover more of the costs. In your boat I would have assumed i would be paying more for a while. He can cover his half however he wants.

LouHotel · 01/08/2020 08:03

Did you live with parents before? Paying 50/50 on a low mortgage house will be cheaper than renting but not cheaper than say living in a house with 6 other flat mates so it is relative to your circumstance and what you want living wise.

I would however consider this an important lesson for the future on financial stability - you've been living together for two years, are you planning on being on the mortgage? Getting married before having kids?

meditrina · 01/08/2020 08:14

Pay 50/50 on the bills, but do not pay a single penny of the mortgage of someone when

a) you do not own any share of the house
b) you are not in a relevant legally recognised relationship,such as marriage

Instead, out the amount you wouid have spent on rent for yourself into a savings account. Yes I know rates are poor to non-existent, but that way you do have some money which you can use to move if his post-redundancy fantasy land ends badly

Collaborate · 01/08/2020 08:28

Had you posted on here that you were the primary earner paying 70% there would have been the usual crowd calling him a cocklodger (by god I hate that word).

Ask yourself whether your expectations would have been different had the roles been reversed, and you were the higher earner wanting to now do hat he want to do. If your perception of things then is different to the unfairness you feel now, then you need to look to yourself. If you'd still feel the same (and are honest with yourself) then you need to sit him down and make it clear what you expect of him in a relationship. Give him a chance to change, or get out of it, and let you see whether you are both on the same page.

What concerns me is that he still wants to pay half, yet you think that's unfair.

litterbird · 01/08/2020 08:30

Firstly I am in the position of VR soon...it is NOT an easy ride. VR may have been his only sensible option and good for him for taking time out to enjoy some peace, space and time to think about his next options. Any form of redundancy can cause reaction. Give him that time and space to enjoy his well earned redundancy figure. As for the split, I think he is being very generous to level the field to 50/50. When making major decisions like this it can be all consuming, as I am currently going through this, he may have made the decision based on many factors which included you and this was his end decision. Support him through this and then start a conversation around where he is heading and finances but at a later date please. I am right this minute looking at travelling the UK from next week to escape the VR that has almost been almost imposed on me as from next Friday. Support him with his next adventures as its through those he will make the decision to go back to work if he wants to. You say he had a good job and he will probably end up with another good job further down the line. Then another discussion around bills and who pays what can happen again. Good luck OP.

DameFanny · 01/08/2020 08:50

I think one of the questions you should be looking at is - how much choice did you have in they living arrangements? Yes it's nice to be in a bigger place than you could afford on your own, but would you have chosen it yourself, or was it just the easier option for him?

And it's not that he shouldn't get to decide hire he spends his money, it's that he's deciding how you should spend yours. You were paying 30% of the bills, which is fine because you didn't - still don't - have any kind of security if you split up. So moving to 50% without any additional security is a big ask.

He's sort of saying - 'we're enough of a partnership for me to expect you to go half and half, but not enough of a partnership for me to discuss this sort of massive life change with you'.

Which isn't very fair.

So you should have some big conversations I think - maybe even with a couple's counsellor - to come to an agreement of where you want to go as a couple.

And have a separate conversation on how you can protect your position in the event of you splitting up, because as things stand you could be homeless at an hour's notice, and if you've been putting more in for the bills that gives you much less opportunity to save for a deposit etc on your own place.

Finally, yes, VR is rarely entirely voluntary and it takes a toll. He may change his plans once he's had more time to come to terms with things.

Crazycrazylady · 01/08/2020 09:16

I'm always amazed at the people who're feel that if one partner has a mortgage then the other person wants to move in that shouldnt pay a penny in 'rent' and only contribute to bills where as if the original partner was only renting they should pay half..

Seems totally bonkers to me
When I moved in with my now dh. We agreed an amount that was less than I had been paying on rent and bills in my last house so we were both financially better off living together than we had been living separately

DameFanny · 01/08/2020 10:35

Not totally bonkers though - one higher earning partner has a more expensive place. Should the lower earning partner go broke trying to keep up? Or insist that the higher earner join them in a lower value place? There's a lot of different ways to do it, but you wouldn't expect a barista to go halves on a mansion with a CEO, and there's plenty of degrees of that difference around.

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