When do you get a say in your partner's finances

[MNJourneywoman]

My DP and I have been living together for 2 years and split the expenses, with him paying more - proportionally based on (net) income. I in effect pay 30% to his 70.
He has just been made redundant, albeit still has good job prospects. He has however, decided (with little to no discussion) that he want's to take an extended period off work - length as yet defined. He intends to live off his redundancy and otherwise decent savings.

My question would be, shouldn't this be something we discussed / agreed upon earlier. I now have to find more money as he wants to move it to 50 / 50 now he isn't earning.
Do i get a say in how he covers his part of the bills / rent etc? How long after living with someone is normal for a more joined up approach to finances?

It gives me the gut feeling that maybe he thinks that you "owe him" this time off as sort of pay back? Could this be how he sees it?

Maybe he feels you can carry more of the load for a while as it was 70/30 for ages.

I'd have not been happy paying that little. Could you honestly have contributed more? Was he being very generous regards the 70/30 split the last two years?

He’s been subsidising the OP’s life for two years and the moment the gravy train looks like it is coming to an end while he takes stock of life people call HIM the cocklodger! And someone is suggesting the OP should be able to pocket the savings she is making on accommodation. Fucking hell.

Call me a cynic but it always seems to be men who do this, suddenly decide they aren't working anymore.
I had this with both husbands and two boyfriends who decided they rather liked life when they lost their jobs and would take some time off.
Lovely, I've worked full time since 1981, no chance of me ever getting any time off ever because I have responsibilities.
I'd be inclined to ask him why he didn't discuss this with you and if you don't like the answer maybe you should think about the future of this relationship.

I would not be happy about a change that would have such an impact on the finances without any discussion beforehand. You are a couple but you are not a team in my eyes. At best, if you are a team then he is the team leader.

I would not expect to be paying half of all expenses to share a room in someone else's house. Does he expect you to cover things like household maintenance, home insurance and his mortgage capital repayments? Why should you do that, you don't get the security of having your own rented home, he could chuck you out tomorrow. Also I very much doubt you eat and drink as much either, I can eat a fraction of what men my age eat if I dont want to put on weight.

Anyway I would work out a fair split of the bills, food and interest on the mortgage - and I bet it will come out at about what you are already paying. But I will also bet you he wont go for that, because he's now decided you owe him. Suggest getting married and then you can be joint partners in everything (and watch him run for the hills).

Also I very much doubt you eat and drink as much either, I can eat a fraction of what men my age eat if I dont want to put on weight. Are you actually saying that in a partnership where you live together you'd split the shipping bill by what you eat from it? What if she wants her clothes now then him, does she pay for 60% of the washing powder but only 40% of the bread?

I guess the reason you should be making a saving on rent/mortgage is because:

1. Paying your mortgage is usually about 50% capital repayment, which is essentially not an expense but a balance transfer into your asset value. You don't have any rights to this so you shouldn't be paying it off.

1. You don't get any security whatsoever. Lodging is usually cheaper than rent precisely because of that. Hence you need to save up to have enough that you could put down a rental deposit and first month or two's rent with no notice if you get kicked out.

Does everyone honestly believe that if you live together a 50/50 split is fair, regardless of incomes? If one person earns significantly more than the other, then the split should reflect that to be fair. DH and I split the bills about 60/40 because he earns more than I do and has the opportunity for overtime etc - which I don't.

For those sayong op shouldn't pay anything towards his mortgage because she's not entitled to it think that if they marry she should immediately be entitled to half even if there mortgage is by then paid off?

"For those sayong op shouldn't pay anything towards his mortgage because she's not entitled to it think that if they marry she should immediately be entitled to half even if there mortgage is by then paid off?"

Nope. And neither would the courts. Division of property is dependent on both the length of the marriage and the amount each party has put in, with specific allowance made if one party has contributed by dropping work hours to take care of children, and also to ensure that both parties are as able as possible to provide a home for any children.

It sounds to me like you enjoyed the arrangement where he paid more and now you want to control his decisions in case they impact on your gravy train.

If I earned more I wouldn’t be happy being taken for a mug and subsidising the other person. Sounds like you’ve got a relationship and tax credits mixed up.

So @pissflaps1 if you earned more than your partner would you be ok with living in a smaller place so they could afford their half of everything? Or do you make sure you only date people with the same income and outgoings as you?

You have had quite a good deal up until now. Only paying 30% of expenses. But I do see your point in that you think he should have discussed things with you first. He obviously thinks he has enough money to enable him to have a period of time off work. It's up to you whether or not this is a deal breaker. But under the circumstances I think he has the right to as long as you don't end up subsidising him but this doesn't seem to be the case.

MNJourneywoman
Also i should make it clearer. He took voluntary redundancy so i don't think it should really be affecting him emotionally.

He may have taken redundancy because it was affecting him, unless you ask you will never know.