My girlfriend is always flirting with other people

[twothreerightleft]

To expand on the title, my girlfriend regularly flirts heavily with other people. It makes me really uncomfortable but she says I just need to get used to it and that it doesn't mean anything.

Is everyone in a relationship like this? This is my first relationship (she's had a few before) and I don't know if I'm expecting too much. I wouldn't dream of flirting with anyone else, but she says the reason I'm so upset is because I'm just inexperienced and that I'm not used to being in a relationship.

you cannot change your girlfriends behaviour.. but you can change your response to it... by ending things.. if it feels uncomfortable then this is not going to get any better for you OP.. plus she's gas lighting you.. by undermining you.. being inexperienced does not mean your feelings are any less relevant... I'm sorry

You don't 'need to get used to it' if you're uncomfortable with it!

You have total autonomy over your own decisions, so decide how you feel about her behaviour and act according.

If my partner flirted with other people all the time, especially knowing it upset me, I would feel disrespected and end the relationship. You're well within your rights to do that.

What you're describing is a recipe for an unhealthy and toxic relationship - one partner setting boundaries, the other not agreeing with them then both of them staying in the relationship despite that.

She doesn't sound like a very kind person and doesn't sound like she respects you. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

Can you give some examples so we know what you class as heavy flirting?

Is she definitely flirting? What does she actually do? I know that might sound silly but I know some people who are naturally just flirty. With everyone. Same sex, opposite sex, old, young, they are just friendly and bubbly and can come across as flirting, and it's actually just their personality which they would struggle to change. I also know some people who really do seriously flirt with others, sexual innuendo, touching, inappropriate topics of conversation etc etc that is disrespectful towards their partners. I think the two situations are very different

I don't think most people would be happy with their partner self-confessedly flirting with other people. She's the one that's acting in an unusual way- your reaction is normal.

What is “heavy flirting”?

The fact that she says 'get used to it' in response to you calling her out on over flirting...to me, suggests she knows she is flirting and doesn't care that it upsets you. Which either means you are bang out of order with your thoughts OR that she, is a total bitch.

Some people are just a bit flirty in their mannerisms and if this is the case, I wouldn't expect her to change BUT it is very telling if she literally just tells you to get over it and that it's your problem.

No concern as to your feelings or discussion as to how she could make you feel more secure?

Does she ever compare you unfavorably to others? Or continually point out your faults or just make you feel like you dont measure up to someone else (eg: an ex) ? If so, that would suggest that the flirting - is geared at making you feel hurt. And that's your que to leave and run for the hills. As that is the sort if thing narcissists do.

Basically - either you are bang outa line (so doesn't feel it warrants discussion as you are being silly).

OR she is telling you you are the one with the issue because she is a mind fucking narc (in which case, there would be those other signs).

It may be that you just arent compatable.

You need to say what she's doing.

Different people have different ideas of what flirting looks like.

Also, IME, men are poor at judging whether a woman is flirting or not.

Also, some people do a flirty sort of thing with everyone, as just how they are (with no intent and often not realising they are doing it).

Examples?

the pp above is assuming the Op is male. maybe. maybe not.
anyway OP, sounds like time to move on.
this makes you uncomfortable. that's it. you've spoken about it, and been told you are in the wrong, or due to inexperience.
if you were anyone i cared about, i would say this person doesn't really care about you, so don't hang about.
you'll find this is not the norm nor necessary in a relationship.

Fair point and bias noted.

Sounds like a chap to me but happy to be told otherwise.

If it's two women the dynamic is different I think.

The dynamic is not different depending on the genders of the people involved. Ffs.

OP, dont stay in a relationship where the other person makes you uncomfortable. A compatible, healthy relationship doesnt feel like this - I promise.

Walk away, the way she dismisses your feelings is absolutely unacceptable.

@rvby

The dynamic is not different depending on the genders of the people involved. Ffs.

OP, dont stay in a relationship where the other person makes you uncomfortable. A compatible, healthy relationship doesnt feel like this - I promise.

Walk away, the way she dismisses your feelings is absolutely unacceptable.

Agree no difference if genders are same or not.

Depending on the genders or the sexes?

I have definitely found woman/ woman flirting is different to man/ woman flirting. Very much so.

The gender thing I have less experience with.

It doesnt matter what the flirting is "like". It matters how the individuals in the relationship feel. If someone's partner is making them uncomfortable and doesn't want to change, then the relationship should end, if at all possible.

@NiceGerbil

Depending on the genders or the sexes?

I have definitely found woman/ woman flirting is different to man/ woman flirting. Very much so.

The gender thing I have less experience with.

I'm bisexual so me flirting with a man or a woman would be equally disrespectful to my partner if it made them uncomfortable.

For straight women, I guess you wouldn't flirt with a woman unless you found them sexually attractive. If you did, you'd be either playing a game with them (if you believed them to be bi or lesbian) or trying to make a partner jealous I guess?

Overtly flirting with other people when you're in a monogamous is disrespectful if your partner feels uncomfortable with it.

A lot of people interpret normal non flirty behaviour as flirting.

See, about a million DV stories.

Of course it matters what she's actually doing.

That was to rvby.

Backseat why the lack of interest in what 'overly flirting' means to the op.

That means very different things to different people.

Also what's the context? If a woman strikes up conversation with you, or you her, with lots of smiling, in a high street pub, it's different to in a lesbian bar.

Sure... and the DV you reference wouldn't be an issue if folk just walked away from relationships that trigger them. If dv is a issue, alleged "flirting" is neither here nor there. The relationship will already be violent regardless of the behavior of the partners...

The ops partner is allowed to do whatever she wants and may perceive it however she wants. The op is accountable to walk away from their partner if they perceive the behavior as unacceptable. There is no cut and dried definition of flirting, it is different for everyone. Arguing the toss on whether the op is "allowed" to see certain behaviors as flirting or not, is helpful to no-one.

Erm, nope.

What is she doing?

Taking her knickers off in the pub and sitting on laps with a 'snog me' face

Or

Smiling at eg bar person while saying thanks

How is that not relevant?

... because if op interprets simple politeness as flirting, then they are deranged, and none of us will convince them otherwise. And all the more reason to.leave this poor woman alone.

... obviously?

Who cares what the woman is doing, or not? If the op doesnt like it, and the woman has said she won't change, then op needs to move on. Nothing good comes of analysis to apportion blame. Unless you want to potentially rile op up into some righteous indignation and encourage some of that dv you were talking about?

'because if op interprets simple politeness as flirting, then they are deranged, and none of us will convince them otherwise. And all the more reason to.leave this poor woman alone.'

Who said that on the thread? I searched deranged.... Nothing...

but the fact that it makes Op uncomfortable is the point, having tried to discuss these feelings with the partner, and been dismissed.
so, what then. that Op should continue in a relationship which makes them feel uncomfortable. ?
it's irrelevant what the behaviour is.
the situation is incompatible.
why should the Op suffer to continue in it. just go, Op.

Erm because if it's not much, OP could be reassured that she isn't flirting?

Better for OP, surely?