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Original poster

My girlfriend is always flirting with other people

76 replies

twothreerightleft · 28/07/2020 22:33

To expand on the title, my girlfriend regularly flirts heavily with other people. It makes me really uncomfortable but she says I just need to get used to it and that it doesn't mean anything.

Is everyone in a relationship like this? This is my first relationship (she's had a few before) and I don't know if I'm expecting too much. I wouldn't dream of flirting with anyone else, but she says the reason I'm so upset is because I'm just inexperienced and that I'm not used to being in a relationship.

OP posts:
NervousStudent · 29/07/2020 13:25

@WonderfulCreature I was just going to post almost the exact same thing! Except I wasn't in a relationship with the guy. I wanted to be but he was always telling me how attractive he found other women and he was a massive flirt. I did really like him but I just couldn't bring myself to take it any further because I knew I would be miserable in the long run. It's not that his behaviour was 'wrong', just that I personally wasn't comfortable with it.

RLEOM · 29/07/2020 13:27

I'd be f#cking livid if ny partner was telling someone else they had a crush on them. That's borderline cheating, or definitely someone who is out to cheat.

namechange12a · 29/07/2020 13:42

OP she loves attention. I've known a few people like this and they just LOVE attention. They need constant external validation. They lead people on a lot and love having to turn them down because they're with someone.

She a. loves people running after her with declarations of love and adoration and she b. loves the attention you give her when you get jealous and upset.

In all honesty, I'd move on unless you are prepared to accept this is her and she isn't going to change.

Newwayofthinking · 29/07/2020 13:48

@twothreerightleft

I'm a woman, for those wondering.

And thank you all for your replies. She's a great girlfriend and I don't really want this to be something that makes us break up and she doesn't usually just ignore my feelings like this.

@RLEOM @OoohTheStatsDontLie @PurpleDaisies @NiceGerbil @EvenMoreFuriousVexation By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that.

Mostly I just never imagined my partner telling other people that she has a crush on them. But if that's normal then I guess it really is something I just need to get used to.

@Bunnymumy no she doesn't compare me to others or point out faults or anything like that

@SoulofanAggron oh she knows she's a flirt, that's why she says I have to get used to it. I don't really mind it in general, just sometimes I think she goes too far.

None of this is normal

Find someone who loves only you

CoffeeandPastries · 29/07/2020 15:02

Another bisexual here and no, it makes no difference what gender my partner is. That kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable, regardless.

I have met a lot of people like this. Mainly women. One, a friend of a uni friend, who would honestly need to make sure that every bloke in the room fancied her. She would manage to shoehorn it into the conversation, every time. She even had a go with my ex bf once and he quite bluntly told her she actually wasn't his type and she was furious. She told him he was obviously blind and he laughed to which she replied "well, if ONE man doesn't fancy me, I can live with that" and flounced off. Seriously Confused I also had a friend (best friend at the time actually) who flirted with every single bf or gf I had.

We're not friends anymore.

Op, I think it's time to move on.

AudaCityLimits · 29/07/2020 15:07

She's humiliating you, she's hurting you, and it's not OK OP. Holding people's hands? Touching their faces? Saying she has a crush on them? None of these things are anywhere near respectful. And tbh she sounds like a bit of a creep- I'd feel uncomfortable if someone flirted with me like that.

Bunnymumy · 29/07/2020 15:54

Oooh third option I fudnt even consider then: hystrionic personality disorder.

Definately not normal. Run for the hills.

Bunnymumy · 29/07/2020 15:54

*didnt xD

rvby · 29/07/2020 15:58

@PurpleDaisies

It doesnt matter what the flirting is "like". It matters how the individuals in the relationship feel. If someone's partner is making them uncomfortable and doesn't want to change, then the relationship should end, if at all possible.

An ex told me I was flirting with other men every time I was talking to one. I wasn’t. I was just having friendly platonic conversations and he was a jealous, controlling arse. Yes, it was right that the relationship ended but because he wouldn’t change, not me. It’s not always the one “flirting” who is in the wrong.

My exh told me exactly the same. He was obsessed with me cheating on him.

No amount of telling him he was wrong was going to change his perceptions. Ending the relationship was the only option, and the only way to stop my suffering.

Hence my advice to the op. I try not to give advice to ops based on my own idea of righteousness - I try to focus on reducing suffering for as many people as possible based on my reading of the initial post.

I am 100% aware that many partners are ruinously controlling and jealous- I had a partner like that - I just also know from experience that those partners dont listen to reason and if they're going to heal their jealousy, it won't be while they are still in the relationship that prompted it

TheBlueStocking · 29/07/2020 16:09

I'm quite similar to your GF. But I will make sure that my partner is aware of what I'm like and make sure they are comfortable/similar in their own behaviour. Otherwise I'd consider us to be badly matched.

Rollergirl11 · 29/07/2020 16:12

Urrrggh, that sounds grim OP. She should be embarrassed. How do the people that she does that to in front of you react? It must be really awkward for them as well as you.

A person that needs that amount of attention and validation from others is always going to be after an ego boost. It’ll all end in tears, most probably yours. I’d get out now.

rvby · 29/07/2020 16:16

OP your gf might need to be in a very different relationship to the one you two have together. Her behavior is unusual and most folk would not feel comfortable or cared for if their partner behaved like that.

You dont have to dump her if you dont want to, but you'll need to guard your heart a bit here, you might have to distance yourself from her to avoid being hurt by her flirting. This may, over time, lead to the two of you drifting apart in any case.

Rollergirl11 · 29/07/2020 16:18

Also telling you you’re just upset because you’re inexperienced is perhaps even worse than the flirting! She’s denying you your feelings and belittling them. She sounds absolutely horrible.

seashoreseashore · 29/07/2020 16:26

She sounds right up her own ass

namechange12a · 29/07/2020 16:32

I had a friend like this. We ended up moving in together because she was kicked out of her last place by the women there for flirting with their boyfriends.

I asked her what had happened and she said, nothing, the were making stuff up about her.

OK.

So she leans over my boyfriend's face wearing a sarong that comes open to reveal her lack of underwear on one occasion. On another, we get in and she opens her bedroom door and starts talking to my boyfriend. Except she's standing in front of a lamp wearing a see through nightdress and nothing on underneath.

Original poster
twothreerightleft · 29/07/2020 19:07

Thank you all for your replies, it's been really helpful to read them

OP posts:
Original poster
twothreerightleft · 04/08/2020 16:41

Just in case anyone's been wanting an update - I broke up with her

OP posts:
Dogssox · 04/08/2020 23:40

Hope you are feeling OK. Sounds like you did the right thing

rvby · 04/08/2020 23:58

@twothreerightleft

Just in case anyone's been wanting an update - I broke up with her
Bless you OP, it's hard isn't it. Well done.
Cheeseandwin5 · 05/08/2020 10:50

@twothreerightleft

For what its worth (very little). I think you did the correct thing breaking up.
I think it is not only humiliating and disrespectful to you, but as time goes on you will only be more embarrassed by her.
I went on holiday with a couple like this, the girl needed to be the center of attention and when she wasn't getting of with her BF she was flirting with others and talking about her exs ( in front of him).
They were both nice ppl, but after while we had distance ourselves as we couldn't put up with her and felt so bad for him.

I think probably worse than your ex's behaviour is that she dismissed your feelings out of hand. It strikes me she would have destroyed your MH if your rleationship had continued.

Pasghetti · 05/08/2020 11:36

I think you did the right thing OP.

SoulofanAggron · 05/08/2020 17:13

I'm bi too BTW. And yes I had a female friend/occasional lover who tried to get my partner to go round to hers to 'fix her computer' (this was clearly bollox based on her body language.) Very nasty person!

Your ex telling people she has a crush on them was particularly beyond the pale.

Well done for ending it- block on everything, don't get sucked back in again. xxx

Original poster
twothreerightleft · 05/08/2020 21:38

Thank you @Dogssox @rvby @Cheeseandwin5 @Pasghetti @SoulofanAggron I really do appreciate it. I'm feeling pretty heartbroken right now but I guess it'll pass eventually.

OP posts:
Dogssox · 05/08/2020 22:16

Ye it's tough breaking up but it would be worse to carry on with someone who makes you feel inadequate like that.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 06/08/2020 06:59

OP I have been in a same sex relationship with a woman for 12 years and I can assure you that your now ex's behaviour was unacceptable. She sounds immature and attention seeking.

Good on you for putting boundaries in place and refusing to accept her unacceptable behaviour.