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Original poster

My girlfriend is always flirting with other people

76 replies

twothreerightleft · 28/07/2020 22:33

To expand on the title, my girlfriend regularly flirts heavily with other people. It makes me really uncomfortable but she says I just need to get used to it and that it doesn't mean anything.

Is everyone in a relationship like this? This is my first relationship (she's had a few before) and I don't know if I'm expecting too much. I wouldn't dream of flirting with anyone else, but she says the reason I'm so upset is because I'm just inexperienced and that I'm not used to being in a relationship.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 29/07/2020 02:03

Lol

Hello boys

NiceGerbil · 29/07/2020 02:05

I have met more men than I care to count who have interpreted friendliness as flirting.

Hence the question to op.

DoWahDiddy · 29/07/2020 02:11

@PurpleDaisies

What is “heavy flirting”?
Have you ever been to Amsterdam's red light district?
PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 08:41

It doesnt matter what the flirting is "like". It matters how the individuals in the relationship feel. If someone's partner is making them uncomfortable and doesn't want to change, then the relationship should end, if at all possible.

An ex told me I was flirting with other men every time I was talking to one. I wasn’t. I was just having friendly platonic conversations and he was a jealous, controlling arse. Yes, it was right that the relationship ended but because he wouldn’t change, not me. It’s not always the one “flirting” who is in the wrong.

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 08:41

Have you ever been to Amsterdam's red light district?

Grin
Bmidreams · 29/07/2020 08:49

Oh god, we have a male friend with a partner like this! Her only method of communication is flirting. I'd never witnessed it before. It makes him look like a complete twat. For example, big group out for a drink and she puts her leg on the table and asks two of his friends for a foot rub, couldn't just say hello to my dh, she has to grab his sunglasses off him, put them on her and peer over the top, I guess trying to look alluring. This is aside from the pet names for all the men, the hugging them, the sitting on their laps, it really is something to behold! I'm not jealous btw, I'm a secure person, but I've never seen this before!! This is what "heavy flirting" makes me think of.

Coromandine · 29/07/2020 10:31

big group out for a drink and she puts her leg on the table and asks two of his friends for a foot rub What a loon! Did they oblige?

Bmidreams · 29/07/2020 10:44

Oh yes! She's quite attractive!

WonderfulCreature · 29/07/2020 10:49

Nah, life is too short to put up with that shit. I would end it. In fact I did when I was younger, I had a boyfriend who flirted with most girls and was always telling me how attractive other people were, I just knew if I got in any deeper, it would destroy me and make me more insecure. I finished it.

SoulofanAggron · 29/07/2020 11:05

A lot of people interpret normal non flirty behaviour as flirting. See, about a million DV stories. Of course it matters what she's actually doing.

My understanding from the original post was she admits she's flirting while in a relationship, she claims it's normal (which is a lie) and that OP is wrong to be uncomfortable with it and it's just due to his inexperience (another gaslighting lie) and needs to 'get used to it.'

@twothreerightleft I don't think you have anything to clear up as she admits she flirts. Or doesn't she admit that?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/07/2020 11:21

OP I do think you need to give some examples. Because there is certainly a "spectrum" of flirting where at one end, it's just someone's naturally friendly manner, and at the other, the kind of behaviour described by @Bmidreams.

There are also certain industries where this kind of slightly-flirtatious manner can become a matter of habit. Face to face sales, hospitality, etc. People will use compliments, a confiding air, to get a better deal/tips/sale.

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 12:13

@NiceGerbil

Backseat why the lack of interest in what 'overly flirting' means to the op.

That means very different things to different people.

Also what's the context? If a woman strikes up conversation with you, or you her, with lots of smiling, in a high street pub, it's different to in a lesbian bar.

It's not a lack of interest I just don't think it's relevant because if one partner is doing something the other is uncomfortable with and it is discussed and it turns out neither is willing to compromise or concede then they are incompatible - regardless of whether one or the other is being unreasonable.

If someone had a hobby and their partner thought they were spending too much time doing it, the other partner didn't want to compromise on time spent doing it then regardless of whether one is being unreasonable they would be incompatible.

Same logic applies here for me.

If OP is clingy and jealous and seeing flirting where there is none, then they should split up. If their partner is flirting with other people and it's upsetting OP but they don't want to stop, they should still split up.

It's the incompatibility that seems to be at the root of this.

PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 12:15

If OP is clingy and jealous and seeing flirting where there is none, then they should split up.

And the op would then need to work on changing that which is a different situation to one where the girlfriend is genuinely behaving unreasonably.

Delbelleber · 29/07/2020 12:17

If my boyfriend was flirting I would be furious and have doubts about how much I meant to him.
She isn't even acknowledging she is hurting your feelings. I don't think she's right for you.

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 12:18

@PurpleDaisies

If OP is clingy and jealous and seeing flirting where there is none, then they should split up.

And the op would then need to work on changing that which is a different situation to one where the girlfriend is genuinely behaving unreasonably.

I think I'm just not understanding what you mean, sorry. Yes he would need to work on that himself separate from this relationship but it doesn't change the fact I think it would mean they are incompatible and should split up due to that. Don't mean I misunderstand you in a snarky way I just don't get what you disagree with, my head is scrambled today so it's probably me!
PurpleDaisies · 29/07/2020 12:21

Yes he would need to work on that himself separate from this relationship but it doesn't change the fact I think it would mean they are incompatible and should split up due to that.

Splitting up due to “incompatibility” would be giving the op a free pass to accept no responsibility for their own behaviour (assuming they were being unreasonable). It’s not right to just chalk it up to “oh well, she was a vicious flirt so we weren’t right for each other” when the op should be examining their own role in thisz

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 12:24

@PurpleDaisies

Yes he would need to work on that himself separate from this relationship but it doesn't change the fact I think it would mean they are incompatible and should split up due to that.

Splitting up due to “incompatibility” would be giving the op a free pass to accept no responsibility for their own behaviour (assuming they were being unreasonable). It’s not right to just chalk it up to “oh well, she was a vicious flirt so we weren’t right for each other” when the op should be examining their own role in thisz

I'm not chalking it up to that though, I'm saying that if that was the case then they should split up and he should work on himself and his unreasonable expectations if they are unreasonable and overly jealous. I'm agreeing with you but you seem determined to think I'm not? I do! It's not a free pass to say split up and work on yourself.
Lochie662 · 29/07/2020 12:29

My ex husband always said I was quite flirtatious, the difference being he wasn't critisising me for it, or threatened by it. He just saw me as being flirtatious.

I disagreed. When I asked what he meant, he said when I talked to men I smiled and encouraged them to talk, I listened to them and I suppose was supportive in what they were talking about. I don't see that as flirting, but he did. I am exactly the same with women btw and I'm straight.

I don't think he would see it as flirting now btw. I think he's grown up a bit.

So it can be a very grey area I think.

Original poster
twothreerightleft · 29/07/2020 12:54

I'm a woman, for those wondering.

And thank you all for your replies. She's a great girlfriend and I don't really want this to be something that makes us break up and she doesn't usually just ignore my feelings like this.

@RLEOM @OoohTheStatsDontLie @PurpleDaisies @NiceGerbil @EvenMoreFuriousVexation By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that.

Mostly I just never imagined my partner telling other people that she has a crush on them. But if that's normal then I guess it really is something I just need to get used to.

@Bunnymumy no she doesn't compare me to others or point out faults or anything like that

@SoulofanAggron oh she knows she's a flirt, that's why she says I have to get used to it. I don't really mind it in general, just sometimes I think she goes too far.

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 29/07/2020 13:01

@twothreerightleft

That's not normal, I don't even know if I would class that as flirting. That's a declaration of feelings. I think that goes beyond flirting tbh.

If my husband told someone he had a crush on them... I would have dumped him. It incredibly disrespectful. And the rest of it...

I'm sorry.

Gidez · 29/07/2020 13:10

Sorry, maybe posting few examples will help us.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 29/07/2020 13:11

By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that

Oh god, get rid and find yourself a more respectful partner. No way would I put up with that, and in my experience it's far from normal. The only time I've ever experienced anything like that was when I went to a club with an ex-boyfriend (he was my first, I'd dumped him, he didn't want to end things but we'd agreed to be friends...yes I was naive) and he started doing what your GF does with other women in the club, right in front of me. I knew he was doing it to try and get me jealous so I'd take him back but I found it pathetic and unattractive. Soon afterwards he tried to rape me, and looking back I would class the entire relationship as quite toxic.

forumdonkey · 29/07/2020 13:20

By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that

I'm very easy going and laid back but if that was my partner, I would feel like you do. It'd make me feel embarrassed and a fool, rather than jealous and there is a difference. For that reason, I would have to walk away, and I wouldn't be getting used to it. There's no respect for you from her and if she cares about you, she'd care how it made you feel.

backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 13:21

@twothreerightleft

I'm a woman, for those wondering.

And thank you all for your replies. She's a great girlfriend and I don't really want this to be something that makes us break up and she doesn't usually just ignore my feelings like this.

@RLEOM @OoohTheStatsDontLie @PurpleDaisies @NiceGerbil @EvenMoreFuriousVexation By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that.

Mostly I just never imagined my partner telling other people that she has a crush on them. But if that's normal then I guess it really is something I just need to get used to.

@Bunnymumy no she doesn't compare me to others or point out faults or anything like that

@SoulofanAggron oh she knows she's a flirt, that's why she says I have to get used to it. I don't really mind it in general, just sometimes I think she goes too far.

She sounds totally disrespectful and to be honest, a bit nasty. She's doing stuff that would upset the vast majority of people then telling you that you she doesn't care it upsets you. As I said upthread I am bisexual and the gender of either party makes no difference to my feelings about this situation. Why would you want to be with someone long term who doesn't respect your feelings or acknowledge they are doing something most people would find upsetting?
backseatcookers · 29/07/2020 13:23

@forumdonkey

By flirting heavily I mean lots of touching (playing with people's hair, touching their face, snuggling up to them, holding hands, etc) complimenting their looks, telling other people she has a crush on them, using pet names. Stuff like that

I'm very easy going and laid back but if that was my partner, I would feel like you do. It'd make me feel embarrassed and a fool, rather than jealous and there is a difference. For that reason, I would have to walk away, and I wouldn't be getting used to it. There's no respect for you from her and if she cares about you, she'd care how it made you feel.

This is totally bang on.