Affair Regrets (For those that had an affair)

[lmwghb]

I am currently going through a situation in my marriage right now, my wife had ended our marriage to be with a co-worker. Of course I'm devastated but she has said she wants to marriage to end so I have no choice but to accept that and work towards whatever is next.

Of course like most I have done all the google searching and all the reading of the books about the subject. I got the usual ILYBINILWY speech.

I suppose where I am now is a place of accepting whats happened and working towards healing myself but there is a small part of me that hopes that this may fizzle out and we get the chance to talk about our marriage without the OM being there waiting in the wings. I think the problem I have is she had just walked away and said she was done perhaps I could fully accept how she reached that decision on her own BUT because the OM is there which comes with all the intoxicating dopamine hitting rewards she is getting right now I do wonder if that all wears off and the fantasy of this new relationship is over whats left.

So those that where in affairs or left for OM and it ended did you regret the decision OR did the feelings for your spouce start to return or perhaps you could see that the issues in your marriage where not as bad as they seemed?

Of course I need to move on and I am working towards that so this is perhaps just early days thinking but who knows.

I can't offer any advice as I haven't had an affair. Your point about the dopamine effect really resonates, though. You do realise that you can't reason with someone who is under that effect, don't you? You just have to wait for the effect to wear off over a few months, probably. But by that time you will hopefully have realised that you're not secondhand goods and that she should have talked to you about the situation way before it came to her leaving.

Yes, I have quickly come to realise that I can't compete with that hence why i've realised that I need to accept this and go with the motion. She's already moved out (I am still in our home) and luckily I can afford to keep it going for now but I do have some thoughts that I may reach a point where I will want to sell up and move to somewhere thats just mine (too many creams and memories in these walls.)

Shes talking about getting a rental which I suspect her and the OM will be looking to move into, right now she is staying with our daughter and quite honestly I am hoping she gets a rental soon as its just unfair for my daughter to have to be around the OM at work (all three of them work for same company) and at home (she allows her Mum to see the OM there to "avoid hassle"). Things seems to be full steam ahead.

The emotions do swing from anger she can bugger off I am not going to be plan B to back to feeling the love I still do have for her at the moment. I've backed off and only message her about our financials and the house.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing and of course you will get those emotion swings. Just stick with it, things will very slowly and very gradually get easier.

Truth.
She's shown you the kind of person she is, which is disloyal, dishonest, without integrity and dignity. If she was unhappy in the marriage she should have discussed it with you and left before entering into an affair.
She's now putting upon your DD and causing disruption to her loyalty and MH.
Do you really want to be with a person like this?
Get divorced, sell the house, buy your own place, move on and move on quickly. The world is full of beautiful women.
Don't play the pick me dance, turn the page, start a new chapter, have a read of Chump Lady.
The OM has done you a favour.

My advice would be to work on yourself, understand what you want out of a relationship, and what you will/won't accept. You should assume that your W will never "come to her senses" and come back to you. Let her go.

This will have 2 likely benefits, one of which is much more likely than the other:

1. You gradually come to terms with the fact your W has left, and you will properly process this and move on. This will leave you in a much more healthy position for whatever comes in the future (without your W).

2. You will look more assertive, positive and in control, which may remind your W why she fell for you in the first place. It might rekindle some feelings for you.

I would caution that this second outcome is much less likely though. Additionally, I would suggest that even if she does change her mind, you should be very clear to yourself (and consequently her) about what you would accept from a reconciliation.

Finally, recognise that while you are in two minds here, your DD is bearing quite a significant burden. She's having to support her DM, and is also aware that in doing so it is impacting you.

If she can see that you are making clear efforts to move on, and find your own happiness, this will relieve some of her burden as well.

Just a quick post to say I think you sound like you are doing all the right things and caring about your daughter through all this shows that your heart is in the right place. I think you should maybe also consider that even if she splits with the AP then she may not come back to you. This could be her "exit affair". I would continue your healing based on the reality that your marriage has ended.

Take care and good luck.

I have spoken to my DD in relation to her decision to allow her DM to see the OM in her house and I have told her that its her decision and I understand why she has made that decision as she wants to support her DM as well, shes in a rock and a hard place and that it will not affect our relationship at all. I've told her ultimately its her DM decision to leave the marriage and I've accepted that decision.

In my head the reality is my marriage has ended and I am moving forward in that way its just that little nagging part of hope that says perhaps this is just because she is in the throws of the affair, which is then quashed at times with thoughts of would I want to accept her back now anyway.

It could indeed be that this is an exit affair and the OM was the stepping stone she needed to go.

OP, above all you just sound - smart and together.

That will stand you in better stead than anything else.

I have no idea about the questions you're asking here - what I would hope instead, I suppose, is that you move on mentally before there's a chance she gets to backtrack and change her mind, as ultimately I think you'd then end up in a situation where, 6 years down the line, you might well still be together, but miserable - especially you. Could you trust her, trust her feelings and loyalty, again?

However it pans out though the emotional maturity your words here have will see you through. Push ahead with the financials and house, keep things easy for your DD, and try and look to a future where the first question you ask yourself is - what do I want? What is best for ME?

@lmwghb

I could be completely off base here , but I think you could also be going through the stages of grief just now. Perhaps you are currently going through the bargaining stage, or moving back to it anyway. The stage aren't fluid, they aren't always straightforward.

I think it is natural to grieve the end of a long marriage, particularly in upsetting circumstances
Perhaps that's what you should be accepting these feelings are, as being part of that.

I could be entirely wrong but maybe do some reading and thinking into that.

@Lochie662

I think you have a point about the stages of grief when a relationship ends and I have read some topics on that. I probably am still swinging between some of the earlier stages still.

Truthfully she is the only woman I have ever been with, I met her when I was 16 and we've between together for 27 years. So right now I don't have a sense of "self" only "us" and need to take some time to go through the motions and think about what I want and who I am and where I want to go from here.

I'm not going to make any big life decisions right now and am just going to spend the next couple of months processing everything and sorting out the financials for me to move forward etc. I do feel a strong urge just now about selling our house and getting my own place but I am worried right now I am just thinking that way due to the way I am feeling so I am holding off on that until maybe the end of the year/start of next which by that time I should be in a much healthier place.

It's an excellent plan to hold off on making any decisions and just wait and see what unravels for you. You are 43 years old and it sounds like you have no dependent children? So you are in an excellent position to concentrate on yourself for a while.

You are beginning a new stage in your life that will be very different to everything you have planned in your head. But it could be really, really good. You have a lot of options moving forward. Just take this time to work on yourself and maybe consider counselling as well. I think it could be really helpful.

I'm sorry though, I have never been in a 27 year relationship and it must be so hard to have it end this way.

interesting perspective to read from a man thats been cheated on .

it will take time but you’ll get through to the other side be patient

best of luck

@hustler2020

Yes and there are plenty of us out there I am afraid just not many places to post as a man in these situations.

well i’m sure you’ll get plenty of support /advice on this site so keep posting .

it will do you good to let some of your feelings out

The issues from my POV that we had that she has since told me seemed to be very practical. We still have a good love life in the bedroom and she says she is still attracted to me that was never an issue.

The main issue was we where in a power struggle with money as I was an impulse buyer, that said I would never just buy something without asking her opinion first. We where never had massive debts (had a loan and a credit card) or anything and we have great money coming into the house but i'd buy something and I wouldn't mind paying it off in a couple of months but she'd want to pay it all off the next pay packet which left is pretty much nothing to "had a life with", that included paying everything we had to the loan and credit card to pay it all off which was never a bad thing it just meant we couldn't go out etc.

If we had both put our heads together we could have worked on the issues she brought up very easily (money, not going out enough, spending too much time working etc). If she had spoken up and told me before how unhappy and how serious things where these things where making her BEFORE the OM was on the scene we really could have built a stronger marriage. Of course I play a part and I should have been more vigilant about what was happening.

Don't get me wrong I was feeling it a bit myself and few months before she left I had spoken to my work about it (I told her) and an opportunity arose about a month ago for me to apply for an employed position which I managed to get so that I could move to M-F 9/5 hours whereas before I was a contractor and my work hours where pretty crap (some weekends, some late nights etc).

After I got the ILYBNILWY speech I set to work to try and show her things could be better. Anything I had bought I sold and I cleared our credit card and closed it, I cleared our load. We had recently got a new bathroom fitted (she wanted that) and I have now halved that (it had 5 years interest free) and it will be paid off in full in the next two months (so we've had it six months vs the 5 years she took it out on!).

While I was on my own I put savings into our joint account to try show her what we could do and that when lock down was lifted that we could actually go out and have a life and rekindle our relationship.

Problem was the OM was always in the background and I just don't think I ever stood a chance.

I guess if there is one thing I can say is at least I tried and I have the knowledge that I feel like I did everything I could.

I do also wonder if she just used those things she brought up as an excuse to help with her guilt and so with having such a "bad" marriage meant it could be justified.

@lmwghb

I don't know if the problems you and your wife had were any worse than most couples. The issues you talk about don't seem insurmountable. There might be other issues you don't know about though.

You've done some reading about everything that happened... Have you read about cognitive dissonance? It's the idea that people can't hold two opposing ideas in their head at the same time.

It sounds complicated (and I will probably make a mess of explaining it). It basically means that if a person is in a committed relationship they know that fidelity is "good" and infidelity is "bad". However when an opportunity to start up another relationship outside the marriage presents itself then the cheating spouse changes the "narrative" of their committed relationship to being unhappy and difficult. They can change the entire history of what has happened. They might say stuff like " I've never been happy with you", or "we were never suited". This new version of reality isn't true but it helps the cheating spouse to betray their significant other.

It's very difficult to fight against and it's a horrible thing to be subjected to.

I'm not saying this is what's happened with you but if you haven't heard about it check it out.

I had a totally fucked up marriage (won't go into it as this isn't about me) but I had affairs and then my husband did.

This is what I learnt from having "other people" in our lives. For me, I was craving excitement, fun and good sex. I had a couple of affairs which met my needs and both times, I felt I had fallen deeply in love. Looking back on them now, I realise that I was in love with the idea of "being in love".

For my ex husband, he got his dopamine kick but had no clue how to get out of the situation and has ended up being stuck with his AP. Within three years of meeting her, they were married and had two kids. He went from being a nice, gentle, good looking man to becoming a bitter alcoholic with a paunch and a comb-over.

Affairs are often just that.... a thrill and a slice of excitement, without having to think about financial issues, loading the dishwasher or pretending you like your mother-in-laws cooking for 24 years .

So those that where in affairs or left for OM and it ended did you regret the decision OR did the feelings for your spouce start to return or perhaps you could see that the issues in your marriage where not as bad as they seemed?

I had an affair and my marriage ended, although I didn't leave for the OM at that point.

No, I didn't regret my decision to end my marriage, in fact when my affair ended I knew that there was nothing holding me in the marriage any longer and so it was over.

TO fall in love with someone else, you have to have fallen out of love with your OH I believe.

The reasons she gave you may have been the ones that she thought were less painful for you to hear. I fell in love with someone else, and lost all attraction for him, but I didn't want to hurt him and tell him that.

@Oopsiedaisyy

That certainly could be the case, I guess her initial indecisiveness about leaving and then at one point telling me she felt her feelings where coming back is what has left the nagging doubt in my mind.

The reasons she gave you may have been the ones that she thought were less painful for you to hear. I fell in love with someone else, and lost all attraction for him, but I didn't want to hurt him and tell him that.
The trouble is "I fell in love" isn't really a reason in and of itself either.

It's not like people wander around and one day... Whoops! Oh dear I've fallen out of love, apropos of nothing. Like the wind changed direction or something. Teenagers mistaking limerance for love, maybe. Limerance has a use-by date. It wears off once you become used to someone and can be sparked anew by someone new. But not real, grown-up love.

Why did you fall in love? What was different? Why then and not next year? If falling in and out of love with people was such a random and passive event, occurring for no-other reason than "it just happens" no-one would ever have a long-term relationship ever.

My ex had an affair and left me and put young dc for the OW. At the time he was very nasty and cocky about it. She was the woman of his dreams, their relationship was the model and example he wanted to show the dc, blah blah. I was a bit of a wreck for a while.

But ultimately I was dead clear that the damage was done and we were permanently over. I'd never feel the same way about him again.

She left him about 6 months later. By then I'd been promoted and was happy in a new relationship. Still am, and the dc and I are thriving.

Ex regrets it... Tough shit. He's really nothing to me now.

I think what's so hard is the complete lack (or show of) awareness of how much she has hurt me and messed my head up right now.

I'm here trying to pick up the pieces and continuing the daily grind of keeping the house going etc, while she is (most likely, I don't know) is swanning about on "dates" with her OM having a great time. Of course that may not be the case at all but the thinking brain really does like to punish sometimes.

She's not thinking about you and what you're doing. Please don't think that she will. She's in a haze of a new relationship alongside thoughts if "it's time to put me first for a change". People don't often go through the heavy lifting of emotionally analyzing the situation, they just think of their side and do what suits them.

She also won't be thinking genuinely of how sad you are, anytime that crosses her mind she will distract herself with something else. You are grieving your relationship on your own.

I'm sorry if that sounds tough, it's the reality though, based in what you have said.

You will get through this and stop feeling so tortured.

I completely agree with @Lochie662. She isn't thinking of you right now, you are a side line in her drama of herself. I don't agree with the post further up about how she is showing her true colours, but I do think that she is making big choices right now and they will have consequences. The greatest of which will be pain to herself and to you. Please acknowledge your own pain, grief and sense of betrayal. It is the only way through otherwise you will stay bitter and tortured.