Affair Regrets (For those that had an affair)

[lmwghb]

I am currently going through a situation in my marriage right now, my wife had ended our marriage to be with a co-worker. Of course I'm devastated but she has said she wants to marriage to end so I have no choice but to accept that and work towards whatever is next.

Of course like most I have done all the google searching and all the reading of the books about the subject. I got the usual ILYBINILWY speech.

I suppose where I am now is a place of accepting whats happened and working towards healing myself but there is a small part of me that hopes that this may fizzle out and we get the chance to talk about our marriage without the OM being there waiting in the wings. I think the problem I have is she had just walked away and said she was done perhaps I could fully accept how she reached that decision on her own BUT because the OM is there which comes with all the intoxicating dopamine hitting rewards she is getting right now I do wonder if that all wears off and the fantasy of this new relationship is over whats left.

So those that where in affairs or left for OM and it ended did you regret the decision OR did the feelings for your spouce start to return or perhaps you could see that the issues in your marriage where not as bad as they seemed?

Of course I need to move on and I am working towards that so this is perhaps just early days thinking but who knows.

Yes I have come to accept that right now she is not the woman I married and she may never be again, this was the main reason I decided to disengage from the drama of it all, for my own sake.

I'm not entirely sure i'd agree that she never thinks of you.

Unless she's an absolute robot!

She is living with your DD (from what you say) so she has a daily reminder that you exist.

It is however likely that whenever she does think of you/what she's done to you, she relies on whatever narrative she's created to justify it, so she doesn't feel too bad.

Yes I agree that she is probably justifying it in her head, i've had to contact her today to let her know her new phone has arrived today because the old one was in my name and was up for renewal.

Uggh was going through some stuff and to put it away and came across a valentines card saying I was the best husband and she didn't know what love was until she met me and that she loves me more and more each day and would never stop loving me.

Why bother writing it if your according to her so unhappy.

I suspect it was not long after (March) that this OM declared to her he had feelings for her (they had been texting as "friends" since Jan).

Man it all screws with your head this stuff.

I'm sorry to say that this is all classic stuff and been through it myself. I can't go into details as it is outing.
The smoke screens, the lying, the deceit is all part of the affair and she will lie to protect AP as well.
You can spend months/years beating yourself up about the whys and wherefores of her behaviour and it will add to the pain and grief. It hurts like hell and it is a hurt like no other. It is worse the bereavement because there is no closure.
Her narrative will make no sense and neither will you understand it. You can spend hours researching cognitive dissonance or limerance or infidelity or other numerous avenues eventually you will have to accept it and move on.

As for me I withdrew from everything, the marriage, the divorce proceedings, the house selling, any thing and everything to do with them and I went dating, went on vacation, hit the gym, bought new clothes, reconnected with old friends and started living the single life.
To which i might add they called and said they couldn't deal with the silence and the new life and that they where jealous. Tough shit eh.
Now single, own place, everything paid for, plenty of friends, doing what I want without recourse to anyone. Psychologically and physically free. I wouldn't get married and or live with someone ever again and now have regular dates with people I like spending time with. And yes they are lovers too.
The hurdle was accepting that the marriage and relationship was over and that is would never ever be the same. It has been destroyed. Moving on is difficult but it has to be done. Set your own agenda and DO NOT BELEIVE anything she says to you. She's lied to you and will continue to do so, subconsciously she wants you to see her in a favourable light which will include changing the narrative to suit you and other people. Bite your lip, transcend it and move forward.
Good luck

DW has moved out of DD today so thats a weight off my mind that my DD can get her flat back and can have some peace and quiet to process all of this.

I am just being as amicable as I can be right now, I have no idea where the OM fits into all of this and I am not asking either but I would be very surprised if they where not moving in together (not that it really matters at this stage). She always wanted to stay close to family but has decided to move about 30 minutes away (yeah its not far but she doesn't drive. We've lived in same area as family and are about 5 minutes from everyone) but I suspect that is so no one knows her and she is out the way and doesn't need to sneak around with OM without bumping into friends and family (again not that it matters now). I've not told family or friends about OM.

Despite it all I want to make sure shes alright (crazy right!) so I am giving her a couple of things from the house that I can do without or are spare/don't need. I know I should be leaving her to it but I am just not there yet or its just not in me (still have a sense of duty as her husband, oh how sad of me).

I think I need to start stamping that light of hope that this situation will turn around at some point, I need to stop telling myself maybe living together will shatter the fantasy (because even if it did who says she'd regret her decision).

My husband and I were married to other people when we met - so I was the OW and he was the OM. By the time we both started having affairs (we weren't each other's first) we both felt our marriages were over and we were looking to leave. I didn't give my ex-husband a second thought once I'd left. He'd done plenty wrong to get our marriage to the stage where I wanted to leave. I'm afraid I'm now several years down the line, never regretted leaving my ex, now happily married to my OM, with children together, in a loving and trusting relationship which is infinitely better than either of our first marriages. I think you have to stop hoping she'll come back. It's entirely possible she will be happier with OM than she ever was with you, and if she's not, she may prefer to be single than to work on your marriage (if my new relationship had failed, I would have chosen to be single rather than go back to my ex).

I certainly agree with what your saying, I guess every situation is different. I would get it if I had been a totally shit husband and our marriage was terrible but here’s the thing it wasn’t. Was it perfect? No, but with open honest communication and a little work we could have had a much stronger marriage that was happier for us both. Instead nothing was said about what she was feeling or how bad the situation felt for her, again if it was really as bad for as she said or if that’s just justification for having her head turned.

However we are where we are now and as each day passes I move a little further forward, I am sure as time goes on that little light of hope it will fade and perhaps she will be happy (I do want her to be happy either way).

Your story is bringing back a lot of memories. I had very similar to what you describe.
They wouldn't make the decision though whether they wanted to end the marriage or run off with AP.
In the end i made the decision. I wouldn't deal with the indecision.
It was one of those "knock me down with a feather" moments. There was nothing to indicate that anything was wrong with the marriage. In fact we had just been on a romantic holiday.
Who knows OP. But like I said in PP. You can knock yourself out and make yourself ill trying to understand it.
Move on and make yourself the centre of those plans. I withdrew from all the drama. If they wanted to get divorced then they had to arrange it and pay for it, If they wanted the house sold they had to put it on the market and do all the arrangements. I got a solicitor, but I would only reply in one line answers through the solicitor.

They had to come up with 5 unreasonable behaviours to get the divorce and had the audacity to call me to say they couldn't think of anything. (beggers belief)
In the end i got what I wanted out of the settlement. Now solvent, don't owe anyone, single, free and loving it.
once again I wish you good luck. It is a painful process.

So my wife has moved in with OM. I spoke to her yesterday and she says she “loves” me and wants to be friends, and wouldn’t want to loose me from her life. I told her about my concerns about being friends, that I am in love with her and I don’t see how I can still be friends with her. She said that she said she was worried that perhaps she could end up falling in love with me again 🤦‍♂️.

She mentioned her current relationship and said that she had a date in her mind that if it wasn’t working she’d be ending it (WTF)

I am so confused about what’s going on. Something in my gut tells me she’s not sure.

I’ve backed tracked today and told her we can try and be friends but if I am honest I would be doing this in the hopes that we get back together.

What a head fuck

OP please get yourself over to Chumplady. There’s so much of your tale that strikes a chord and reminds me of my divorce - there’s so much I could say but tbh Chumplady says it infinitely better. Send her your story or post it on one of the comment sections. You’ll find a ton of support from people who know exactly what you feel.

Rule #1 though - disengage. She wants Cake and/or Image Impression Management not reconciliation. She didn’t give you a second thought. Return the favour. Trust that she sucks.

Honestly my head is so screwed up right now. I actual feel like I am going nuts.

OP you need to stay strong. Do not take her back. I don't think it will work as how could you trust her? This part is so painful and you're part way through it. You'd have to go through it all again....

Tell her to get to fuck! Friends? No. Your child is an adult. No need for that.

However, I will say that affairs generally do not happen for no reason. I did not have one in the end. But I could have. Easily. In fact, when we did split up I had a very tumultuous and destructive relationship with the person-who-could-have-been-an-affair. When it ended I didnt pine for my former long-term relationship. I just though they were both absolutely wrong for me.

I'm sorry if that doesnt provide any comfort :( there is no way of soft soaping. Dont go back to her. It wont do you any good at all. Find your inner fucked off person and get someone who loves you for you, as you are now.

In my case my ex would have described my

Grr posted too soon. My ex would have described our relationship as good. To me, it was not. It was absolutely fucking terrible. And I talked, and talked, and talked. He didnt really listen though. I have absolutely no way of knowing whether your situation could have been similar, but always worth considering that others' feelings may differ a lot from ours and people arent always great at saying what they really mean or hearing what the other person is saying.

That’s the thing we’ve spoken a lot the last few months and we identified what the issues where and quite honestly the issues where not terrible. In fact she admits that she’s seen a lot of positive changes the last few months and believes the changes. She acknowledged I understood the problems and was surprised about how much I went about and make the changes and could see the old me again that she fell I love with.

What your wife is doing is beyond any kind of confused midlife crisis. This is very toxic behaviour. She's potentially looking to check she has a soft landing with you WHEN it ends with the other man? It makes me feel beyond uncomfortable to think of it.

I've had a slight name change, I've talked to you before, I'm glad you resurrected this thread. I can't get my head around your situation.

She's with the other man, she wants out and she's looking to walk from that relationship to you? Does she have an aversion to being alone?

It feels like the OM was an exit affair, and now you are.... it's not dignified. It's downright cruel. If she was already broken up , it would be bad. But at least understandable (you'd still be a fool to go straight back into a relationship with her) But this is unconscionable in my book.

BUT you know her, I don't. Try and do something to get away from the thoughts and worries for a while, it might help.

@lmwghb

She's really happy about the changes you've made?

I would be less happy about the one change she hasn't made. She looked to the other man when with you. And looked to you when she is with the other man. She hasn't really learned much. A reminder of the meaning of loyalty might be in order.

She sounds horrible and it also sounds like she thinks you're an absolute mug. Prove her wrong. Let her go completely and don't be back up. She made her choice and she's hurt you deeply - she cheated on you with OM and she is now gearing up to start an emotional affair with you now she's with OM. She sounds insufferably manipulative and selfish. Don't waste any more time hoping to get her back.

Somebody's backing the horse both ways eh.

Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants.

Has she discovered OM farts after all, or something?

From reading the female affair (victim) posts on here, this is common behaviour .. indecision, toing and froing, getting back with/choosing spouse if spouse lets them (but they often seem to leave again).

Clearly they have some cold feet/wobbles but I think the ultimate lesson is that they were capable of cheating & leaving, and they'll continue to be capable of it.

She is a mental case. Full stop. Whether she was always this way and just snapped or whether she was never this way and has had some some sort of breakdown or emergence of a long repressed mental condition is really neither here nor there unfortunately. The effect is the same - she has shattered your marriage and created an emotional trauma that will always sit between you both. Reconciliation is simply not an option if you ever want to feel happy again.
You need to think of her as dead. The person you knew is gone. Grieve. Move on. Far easier said than done, I know. If she was literally dead you would have a memory of her frozen in time but instead you have to witness her unravel whilst she acts in the most cruel and pitiless way...but she is an adult and she needs to learn the full and final consequences of her actions. Remove her safety net. STOP accommodating her. Cut her adrift. She is a drowning woman who will drag you down if you get too close. You CANNOT talk sense to someone who is this far off the sanity radar. You’ll kill yourself trying. I promise you this: when the crazy chemicals currently going through her mind dissipate, she will be in a World of disarray that will make the current phase look like The Good Ol’ Days. Don’t get dragged in. Be done. Stay strong.
This is literally one of the worst things life can throw in you face - but you’ll be OK if you stand firm.

If I were you I'd start dating and, if she realises, let her see what it feels like (and not even the same because you wouldn't be cheating).

You may even meet someone you like and realise your wife's not worth doing the pick me dance for.

"..could see the old me again that she fell I love with.."
The problem here is not you, but her. She should work hard to become the old her again that you fell in love with.

@Whathewhatnow However, I will say that affairs generally do not happen for no reason.

Yeah... the trouble is many of those reasons can just as likely be "I'm emotionally immature and resent having to compromise/not be the centre of attention" or "Life's become a bit of a bummer - nothing to do with my partner - and having an illicit fling is an easy way to cheer me up". Some people just have issues which mean, when life gets tough, their way of dealing is to cheat - it offers them excitement, novelty, adoration (from someone new, not someone they "expect" like them like their partner) and a chance to experience the heady romance of Falling In Love. If you can tie yourself in the mental knots required to justify it or compartmentalise so you don't think of one when doing the other, what's not to love?

The idea that a fault in the relationship itself must always be the cause of the affair is a lie. Sometimes, yes. But often no - unless the fault happens to be an imbalance of power within the relationship caused by the cheater believing their "needs" take precedence over the cheated upon. Many times the cheater just can't cope with the reality of existence. Life hands them a lemon - they choose to make lemonade with someone else.