Affair Regrets (For those that had an affair)

[lmwghb]

I am currently going through a situation in my marriage right now, my wife had ended our marriage to be with a co-worker. Of course I'm devastated but she has said she wants to marriage to end so I have no choice but to accept that and work towards whatever is next.

Of course like most I have done all the google searching and all the reading of the books about the subject. I got the usual ILYBINILWY speech.

I suppose where I am now is a place of accepting whats happened and working towards healing myself but there is a small part of me that hopes that this may fizzle out and we get the chance to talk about our marriage without the OM being there waiting in the wings. I think the problem I have is she had just walked away and said she was done perhaps I could fully accept how she reached that decision on her own BUT because the OM is there which comes with all the intoxicating dopamine hitting rewards she is getting right now I do wonder if that all wears off and the fantasy of this new relationship is over whats left.

So those that where in affairs or left for OM and it ended did you regret the decision OR did the feelings for your spouce start to return or perhaps you could see that the issues in your marriage where not as bad as they seemed?

Of course I need to move on and I am working towards that so this is perhaps just early days thinking but who knows.

stop feeling so tortured.

Umm @Lochie662 have you ever been cheated on? If so, with all due respect, you'll know that's kind of not possible? It's a bit like asking someone who's mum's died "stop feeling so sad". Human hormones are a curious thing. They sort-of don't respond to rational thought that way.

OP, I get where your at and I really feel for what your going through. Understand that many - multitudes in fact - have been where you are now. I posted myself here recently that it feels like your head's a glass vase that's been dropped from a great height. That the neurons in your brain are ants in an ants nest that's just been kicked over. For the first six months after I separated from my ex, I honestly felt half my brain had been blown away, like someone had shot me in the head. And, in a way, its true. Everything you know had been overturned.

It's going to take time to get through this. What you are experiencing is trauma. But do know that it will get better. One day at a time. That's not me cheerleading. It's me speaking from experience.

But what will make it better, quicker, is taking control. Your ex and your relationship is like a gangrenous limb. To get healthy quicker and to stop the toxic rot your going to have to amputate it. See a lawyer as soon as you feel able. Take the reins of your life and stop letting her steer your actions anymore. She forfeited that whe she took up with this guy. I'm not going to lie - as with any amputation, its going to hurt. But its the only way you'll get better. And you'll survive it. Use your anger to help drive you if you must.

And, I repeat, visit Chumplady's website.

She acts you as a back up plan in car it didn't work or with the OM. If she heard you're starting to go out on dates, she'll absolutely panic.

I'm not saying people who have affairs should not be given a second chance...but there is no sign of remorse from her or acceptance of wrong doing...instead she's come up with minor issues to justify her actions.

I would also say that being together from such a young age as you two were, well see change and growth...you're different people than the 16 year old (not sure how old she was) back then.

You don't have to be enemies...but you don't have to be friends. Friends don't betray each other and I very much doubt she'd be happy to be your friend if you left her for an OW.

Stop telling her you so love her.. that will just get her ego and make her think she can come back when she wants.

Trust is fundamental in a healthy relationship.... could you every really trust her again in that regard?

I hope you're doing okay, I'm sorry that I was so negative about your wife, I just wanted better for you. But life (and relationships) can be very complicated and I know there's a lot of feelings and history and you are connected in a lot of ways.

I hope you're getting some space to think things through.

I had an emotional affair, fell in love and left my husband seven years ago. I’ve regretted it every day since.

When the initial overwhelming ‘in love’ feelings wore off I realised in the cold light of day what I had done.

We have now have DC and so does EXH but neither of us are happy. Ex and I barely speak and our DC from our marriage have been through hell.

I live every day of my life knowing the hurt and anguish I’ve caused so many people. I know it’s not black and white and there were lots of contributing factors involved but that just makes it worse in a way.

I love my youngest DC and without the affair they wouldn’t be here and nor would EXH’s which is consolation.

I have recently come across the following condition recognised by psychologists and therapist the World over that may, or may not, have resonance in your particular situation - you decide. The condition is called-: Arrested Development.

Basically, it’s a fancy way of saying emotionally immature and it affects men and women in equal measure. It is caused by some kind of trauma (a very wide concept in itself) at some other early life stage, usually pre-16yrs old, and it basically stunts a person’s emotional growth from that point on. The problem is, these people grow into adults and develop masking tactics. They appear to be empathetic, mature and sane but emotionally they are children walking around in an adult’s body. Red flags can be seen from time to time and differ between the genders. An example would be women turning on the tears to manipulate rather than face up to admitting being wrong whereas men grunt and sulk and storm off when they don’t get what they want. These are the responses of the undeveloped child. Such people often get a flash of self-awareness and suffer imposter syndrome - they literally don’t feel grown up enough to occupy the job or social role they find themselves in - but mostly that are driven by the same drives as children. And herein lies the problem: children are selfish, manipulative little balls of narcissistic ego that ONLY care about THEIR needs being met and don’t really care about others at all (if you have a teenager, you’ll know what I mean) - often they are just plain cruel. Traits like empathy, and understanding that your are not the centre of the universe and that other people count too are things you learn as you develop into adulthood - but not if you are stunted by trauma.
Now, if you’re not like that you can’t really imagine anyone else being like that and you might therefore overlook red flags when you find yourself in a relationship with someone with Arrested Development. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition and neither do they expect their spouse to be a fraud - because that’s what they are - a fraud. They pretend to be normal all their lives, imitating adult traits but it’s just a veneer and a veneer so thin that life has a way of wearing it away eventually to reveal the child within. The worst kind of offenders are those that hide it REALLY well. They are the masters of disguise and the ones most likely to cause catastrophic damage because when they eventually implode it’s like you’ve been hit by a torpedo in a swimming pool. Shock and awe.

I think too often on MN boards we hear about “my narcissist-ex” and no doubt a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is justified in some cases, but the science is quite clear on how truly rare NPD is. Arrested Development is probably a more likely reason because there is a very clear narcissistic element to people acting purely for themselves and explains why people ‘flip’ from appearing normal to apparently being someone else entirely. Betrayed spouses often use the exact words “I don’t know who you are anymore” on discovery when the wayward spouse - like yours - seems to have their foot firmly on the crazy pedal all of a sudden. If the WS does indeed have AD, then they are suffering from years of repressing their true selves combined with the limerance of a new relationship. A potent cocktail the comedown from which is often a HARD landing. It is a tremendous shame that some people who suffer this, end up triggering a breakthrough in their own development by wreaking havoc on those closest to them in the process - they destroy normal people so that they can become one. It can be crushing to be such collateral damage.

I would urge you to think on whether there were any red flags you overlooked down the years that would point to emotional immaturity such as inability to express regret or finding it impossible to admit they were wrong or be accountable for shortcoming, failures and transgressions (blaming others is quite common). Also, smaller tells might be women adopting girls voices being obsessed with getting old (significant birthdays can be hard for them to navigate) and in men, aggression and shouting are amongst the more common. Both genders tend towards being materialistic and comparing what they have to what they perceive others to have, becoming difficult if they feel ‘short changed’.

If you think there is a background of AD in your marriage, Google will help you find some good resources. Sadly, couples counselling can often be pointless because the AD partner just isn’t equipped to do the emotional excavation required to understand themselves and change in most cases.

Best of luck.

I had an exit affair. I don’t regret it. My husband was an emotionally manipulative alcoholic and our relationship was very unhealthy. I’m not proud of cheating, but in my circumstances I think it was the only thing that could have pushed me to end it - and it did need to end.