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Original poster

Did your relationship change with your sibling after they had an affair?

65 replies

KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 08:35

Sibling has an affair, leaves wife and kids and takes up with OW. Wants everyone to move on, support him and just accept OW. Meanwhile wife and kids are confused, angry and devestated.

If you've found yourself in this situation as the sibling what did you do? what was the long term impact on the wider family?

OP posts:
Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 08:36

Just realised I scrambled up my thread title but you get the point Grin

OP posts:
lukasiak · 28/07/2020 08:39

No, because that's a huge redflag for toxic family enmeshment. Your sibling's marriage has nothing to do with you, stay in your lane.

Scarby9 · 28/07/2020 08:47

Not been in that situation, but it absolutely would change for me. How could it not?

My relationship with SiL and their children h as been built over years. They are family and I couldn't just strike them out and move on.

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 08:51

So throw your nieces under the bus and not support them or say anything because you could be accused on being toxic. Instead normalise a totally screwed up situation for the sake of psycho babble. Yeah okay Hmm

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 28/07/2020 08:57

All I can say for being in the situation of your brothers wife, is support her and the children, pop in for a brew, treat them as you always have listen to her cry and rant. Take the children to give her some space just be there for her. Whatever you do don't ever turn your back on them or you will just be as bad as your brother and she will be even more devastated.

hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 09:07

you should support him . he cheated for a reason & the fact he left to be with ow means he wasn't happy . I’m sure it wasn't easy for him to leave so support him even if you don't agree with what he did

breaking up a family is never going to be nice but being 2 happy separate parents is better for the kids in the long run

as for the ow give her a chance maybe it will help you understand why he left and come to terms with it

Codexdivinchi · 28/07/2020 09:08

KooKooKachoo

I’ve been in this situation although it was my bil. Mil swopped sides immediately and revelled in the drama of it because her beloved son was confiding in her and at last she was involved in his personal life, she is a fucking horrible person. Fil had a massive go at bil but ended up saying it was because sil was miserable all the time ( might have been the fact that bil had continuously cheated on her with many women for over 20 years) It was shocking how quick this family moved on. One in one out.

If I wouldn’t have been with husband then I’m embarrassed to say he would have quickly sided with bil too. It was only because of me raging about what a cunt he was ( and the rest of his family and is this how they would treat me? That he put a show of support on for sil and agreed that bil was a twat. However I think it may have been different when I wasn’t there. He was very supportive to his DNs and spent a lot of time talking with them

Kids were devastated but all shown it in different ways. And it still rumbles on to this day. The eldest doesn’t speak to dad anymore.

I supported sil as much as I could but after a while bil started bringing his new partner to family events and although I didn’t get friendly with her I was photographed near her which really upset sil and she doesn’t speak to me anymore.

He has since split up with her and lived with some one else and after two years split up with her too.

So in terms of wider impact on this family - it was just collateral damage. One in one out

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 28/07/2020 09:15

I have been in this situation and now don't really speak to DB. His choice. He left SIL and niece a couple of years ago, moved in with OW who was pregnant within a couple of months and expected us all to go along with it and be on "his side".

I have supported SIL, who I am now closer to than before, but DB is not speaking to me because of this. He is quite immature and has always been a bit of a knob. We used to get along but weren't that close. My parents have tried to stay on both sides, they support SIL with childcare one day a week as they always have done, but they also try to maintain a relationship with DB, who flies off the handle at any suggestion that he is not the worlds best father and partner. He only sees his daughter once or twice every few months as he chose to move to where OW lives, 100 miles away.

If we had been closer before this then we might not be on such bad terms now, but he is quite adamant that I am a total arsehole because I still speak to the mother of my niece who has been in our family for 10 years. I have nothing against OW but I have not met her. She must be quite dim to get together with a married man and see how he treats his child and then have one with him, but luckily it's not my problem.

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 09:22

So in terms of wider impact on this family - it was just collateral damage. One in one out

That's it exactly with these sorts of mercurial families. The woman is less a person than a mechanical unit of domesticity, to be removed and scrapped when the new one is delivered.

Codexdivinchi · 28/07/2020 09:23

@PicsInRed

So in terms of wider impact on this family - it was just collateral damage. One in one out

That's it exactly with these sorts of mercurial families. The woman is less a person than a mechanical unit of domesticity, to be removed and scrapped when the new one is delivered.

Absolutely 100%
Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 28/07/2020 09:28

DBil had more than 1 affair, got found out by DSil after 20yr marriage. She moved out and he moved OW in. Not seen him or met OW as DBil is a dick at the best of times and our support is totally with DSil. His behaviour has caused both his kids to have serious problems since the divorce (self medicating ? with drink drugs). It's so sad all round.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/07/2020 09:31

My brother did this, left his two children and his girlfriend left four, so six children under 10 were devastated. I tried my hardest to keep in touch with my SIL and nephews but they moved away and we lost touch until the boys were older.

I've also tried to get on with my new SIL, she's always been invited to family occasions, but it's very difficult. I will never accept the fact that my brother embraced her boys, had them over to stay at their new house, took them out for days. Yet she didn't and still doesn't want anything to do with his Sad. How he just accepted that I will never understand. We have discussed it but he says he would have lost her if he hadn't.

Codexdivinchi · 28/07/2020 09:31

OP are you the Sil?

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 09:33

PicsinRed that's a good point about how disposable women are. Also how the rest of the women in the family are just meekly supposed to go along with the new arrangement and not make any fuss. Feels like a big game of emperor's new clothes to me.

I've no intention of getting to know the OW or having a relationship with her. Having a long term affair with someone and enabling them to deceive their family tells me all I need to know to be honest.

If he was unhappy leave the marriage and do the decent thing. Don't gaslight your wife and kids so you can have your fun and flip flop between the two for over a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 09:34

No sadly I'm the sister so I'm stuck with the dickhead

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 28/07/2020 09:38

Yeah I’d find it extremely difficult, particularly if I was close to the SIL. I suspect this could very easily fracture a family as get togethers are going to be incredibly tense.

What do your parents think? I think it really depends on how close you all are as a family. Could you meet up with your brother alone and thrash it out, here it from his side. Would he accept you still remain close to SIL and nieces or is he expecting you to chose between him and his ex wife?

justanotherneighinparadise · 28/07/2020 09:38

*hear

Scrumpyjacks · 28/07/2020 09:44

Unfortunately, I have been in your position. DB basically had an affair with 2 different women for 8 years of a 15 year relationship. Expected us to welcome the other women with open arms despite him still bringing long term partner around to family events etc. In the end, my sister told his long term partner of the affair the first time. They continued to be together then then the second time she found out on her own.
I don't speak to DB now. However I do still speak to his ex long term partner. It really showed me my brothers view on women and how high and mighty he thought himself to be. I never discussed the situation with any of the women involved, however I did maintain a friendship with his ex long term partner.
I found it very difficult to accept and welcome his new partner (not one of the ow) but I think this is because I have a over riding desire to tell her what he is really like and to run for the hills. So I keep my distance.
It has definitely effected mine and my brothers relationship. I couldn't see him in the same light again. We barely talk now. See him about once, maybe twice a year.

Lochie662 · 28/07/2020 09:49

@hustler2020

you should support him . he cheated for a reason & the fact he left to be with ow means he wasn't happy . I’m sure it wasn't easy for him to leave so support him even if you don't agree with what he did

breaking up a family is never going to be nice but being 2 happy separate parents is better for the kids in the long run

as for the ow give her a chance maybe it will help you understand why he left and come to terms with it

Everybody has the right to leave a marriage they aren't happy in. Nobody has the right to cheat and lie their way out of of it. This is an immature point of view and makes many assumptions that havent been specified by the OP.

To the OP, sorry. I have a sister who was cheated on and my BIL left for the OW so it was obviously much easier for me. I'm sorry you're in this position, you sound like you have a good grip of the situation and are making good decisions though.

Codexdivinchi · 28/07/2020 09:54

I found it very difficult to accept and welcome his new partner (not one of the ow) but I think this is because I have a over riding desire to tell her what he is really like and to run for the hills. So I keep my distance

This with bells on.

sixpencenonethepoorer · 28/07/2020 09:59

I think it's possible to have a relationship with both parties. My sympathy would definitely be with the SiL - and I'd find it very hard to be friendly with the OW, but over time relations may become easier.

The red flag for me, would be your brother trying to force everyone to take his side and leave his (ex)wife behind.

If he had anything about him he'd be overcome with guilt and trying to make it as easy as possible for both his ex wife and his family.

EL8888 · 28/07/2020 10:18

Not directly but my Dad’s brother ran off with someone else. The wider family were unhappy for obvious reasons especially as everyone was very fond of his wife. The next Christmas he rang and asked my auntie if he could bring the OW, as my auntie was hosting it at her house. She said no fucking way, you can come but she can’t. He didn’t end up coming in the end. Things were frosty for some time

hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 10:39

op have you tried to talk to you're brother 1 2 1 and understand why

its a easy to bash him & ow but give him a chance to explain rather than be quick judge & be so harsh

as for not getting to know ow thats on you i’m sure she wont care but it wont make your brother go back

whilst the break up of a family is always gonna be devastating no one knows what goes on behind closed doors so no one has a right to judge

im sure he would support you if tables were turned

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 11:44

no one knows what goes on behind closed doors so no one has a right to judge

"It's just a domestic" etc

We might not see what goes on behind closed doors, but we can certainly see what is openly admitted by all and the psychological and physical carnage that wreaks on the victims (and this includes the children).

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 11:58

Why do people assume I haven't spoken to him and haven't got a handle on what went on? I have spoken to him individually and he has treated his wife appalingly. I understand why he was unhappy but it didn't in anyway justify his actions.

I don't care whether the OW is bothered or not if I speak to her and I'm not trying to make him go back. She was trying to become my friend whilst the affair was happening so I'd say she is bothered but really I couldn't care less. Ironically he has already cheated on her which she doesn't know about, so it's hardly a great love in itself.

This no one has a right to judge is feeble self serving BS. He could have walked away if he was unhappy and made it much less traumatic for his kids. Instead he has run away, and lied to try to manipulate people and has caused a lot of hurt.

Suspect I've got my answer on the fractured family front.

OP posts: