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Relationships

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Original poster

Did your relationship change with your sibling after they had an affair?

65 replies

KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 08:35

Sibling has an affair, leaves wife and kids and takes up with OW. Wants everyone to move on, support him and just accept OW. Meanwhile wife and kids are confused, angry and devestated.

If you've found yourself in this situation as the sibling what did you do? what was the long term impact on the wider family?

OP posts:

Sidewinder30 · 22/08/2020 09:19

Been there. I chose my SIL and their dc. It was very much all the lying and gaslighting that ended my interest in ever seeing my brother again.

Ten years on, I rarely speak to my brother, but I have a very close relationship with my former SIL (who I now just call my sister) and with my nieces nephews. I have never met the OW ( he is still with her).

I admit that things would be different if brother and OW had gone on to have dc. I would have made an effort to form a good relationship with the dc.

Twobigsapphires · 22/08/2020 11:35

I guess it depends on the situation. My dsis had a 6 month affair then left her dp for OM. Her dp was a bit of player himself and had had numerous affairs. She genuinely fell in love with OM but did not want to break up her family. She was very torn.

She told me about the affair whilst it was happening and of course I didn’t agree, but just tried to encourage her to see the right thing to do. She came clean in the end and left dp.

I tried not to take sides but obviously me loyalty was my sister. She’s not a bad person and we all make mistakes.

We accepted the OM as he made dsis happy. They are now happily married for the past 9 years.

Lilly1980 · 26/08/2020 14:50

I am so glad I have seen this post as I have been made out to be the bad guy of the last 2 years.

My Sister had an affair and left her husband. I was disgusting that she would do this to her husband and kids, I told her directly and I supported my BIL. I still spoke with my sister but it wasn't the same and she knew how I felt. She would try trick us in to meeting him and she did with her children and I just didn't like that. I made no secret of it.

Then my husbands cousin, had an affair. We were extremely close to him and his wife. He left her the day before she went in to labour. Told everyone they had not been happy for a while and she was mean and cold towards him. Turns out, he had been having an affair for the whole of her first pregnancy and he left her for the OW. Within 3 weeks the OW had moved in to his parents house with him and no care or support for his wife. Most family also removed her from FB. I however continued to see her and support her, and because of this was also taken off Facebook by some of my husband family. I personally don't care, they have shown what type of people they are and I want nothing to do with them. She has received nothing but abuse from her ex since he left. He demands how and when the child will be brought to him, he practically gave her 2 weeks after the baby was born and then started demanding the house be sold and divorce to be started. The poor lass didn't get a moment. He would constantly send her messages every morning with a list of what he expected, to the point where it affected her mental health and the solicitor advised she called the police. Because of the action she took, then the ex MIL started and demanded when and how the baby would be dropped off to her. You can imagine what type of people they are.

They tell anyone that will listen how awful I am and how I chose her over family. She is a wonderful girl, who has kept her head high and her dignity throughout this whole ordeal. I personally haven't said any thing to her ex or his family, I have kept my mouth shut for the sake of my husband and daughter. But I have still see his ex and for that I am classed as a bitch. If doing the right thing makes me a bitch, I am happy to be one.

SadSausage44 · 26/08/2020 18:12

I'm currently on the receiving end of this. Exhtb had an affair and treated me like shit, is still with ow and now expecting twins, my in laws have had literally nothing to do with me after 15 years... I feel like my daughter (his sd) and I were tossed aside like pieces of garbage and replaced overnight. It's a horrible horrible feeling and makes me seriously wonder about some people... a phone call or two or a text over the past year would have been nice, to know they at least think about us. It has just added to the heartbreak and loss we have felt.

Lilly1980 · 26/08/2020 23:06

That is so so sad! I don’t understand how people can say they care about you and be in your life for so long and then just replace you. It’s so disgusting. I would not do that to my brother in law. As far as I am concerned he is part of my family and my daughters uncle

Anordinarymum · 26/08/2020 23:25

Just because he is your brother does not give him a ticket out of the mess he has just made.

Support your family which is his wife and children, but it's not your place to judge so stay neutral with him

SoulofanAggron · 27/08/2020 01:02

He's going to focus on his kids now and just enjoy being single.

@KooKooKachoo So, he might well slap it around. I suppose if he isn't cheating on someone for a change, then it might be an improvement. In the rare event he doesn't and is honest with women and treats them well.

To my shame I was an OW (one of the times) and I was gutted that his family weren't that into me. So I can understand that 'your' OW was too. I'd say she was genuine and she was in love with your bro but he cheated on her. He doesn't sound like a nice guy, and a bit obsessed with sex.

Shmithecat2 · 27/08/2020 01:12

My DSIS had an affair and left my BIL and the children with him. I was dumbfounded. I understand that she wasn't happy in her marriage, but I couldn't get my head around her leaving the kids too.

We didn't fall out, she's my sister and I love her, but I also love my BIL very much too and never treated him any differently. None of our family did. DSIS threw a small hissy fit when she found out that BIL was invited to my wedding (so was she and her Wally of a new DH, who is also now an EXH 🙄). I had to point out to her that regardless of what she thought, BIL had been in my life for 30 years and nothing was going to change wrt how I treated him. The children DSIS and BIL share needed support and as much normality from me as possible. So that's what they got. I didn't lose my relationship with either of them, there's really no need.

SoulofanAggron · 27/08/2020 01:35

They decided his ex wife was awful in the end BTW.

singersarp · 27/08/2020 09:37

I think it depends. I've known people who were serial cheaters and some who have had exit affairs. The exit affairs are easier to swallow for the greater family. I'm not really one for pinning the scarlet A on anyone. DBIL had an affair. It wasn't pretty and he should have left in a different manner but we aren't all perfect or emotionally mature enough. We've stayed neutral and friendly with everyone. My in-laws chose to basically disown him. He's been with the OW for years now and they've gone on to have 2 more kids. The OW tried at first with the in-laws but they were incredibly cold to her so she stopped. It's a shame really. People can take the righteous indignation too far. We aren't here to be judge and jury. But that also doesn't mean sitting quietly by.

Frankiegoes · 27/08/2020 13:09

SadSausage44-

I have exactly this too. After 25 years of being treated like a daughter and one of the family, and treating them like my own family, I have now been totally discarded, not a phone call or text from my SIL and very little contact from my MIL.

Lilly1980 · 27/08/2020 13:52

I’m so sorry to hear this! I just think it’s a disgrace. 25 years and that’s it, pushed to the side. It’s sad that it is women doing this to other women! I know my mother in law would do the same to me. I’ve seen it in the family. The son cheats on his wife and the next thing they start telling lies about how difficult she was and how unhappy she made him.
Anything to excuse his behaviour. If I had a son who did this,
I would make t clear how disappointed I was in him, and I would continue to support the mother of my grandchildren. Wake up women of the world!!! We must do better in supporting other women!

Frankiegoes · 27/08/2020 18:18

Lilly 1980 -

Exactly! Maybe the women in his family facilitating and excusing bad behaviour has helped lead to this behaviour happening? I have devoted such a large part of my life to his DM and did love her like a parent. Seems that on her part it was conditional on me continuing to facilitate his behaviour as she even asked if I could overlook it.

PinkyBrain · 27/08/2020 18:20

It happened to me but sil wasn’t a nice person and they didn’t have children so I was quite happy to carry on as normal tbf.

SandyY2K · 27/08/2020 19:17

It's good your brother is sorting himself out OP. Affairs are very destructive.

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