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Original poster

Did your relationship change with your sibling after they had an affair?

65 replies

KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 08:35

Sibling has an affair, leaves wife and kids and takes up with OW. Wants everyone to move on, support him and just accept OW. Meanwhile wife and kids are confused, angry and devestated.

If you've found yourself in this situation as the sibling what did you do? what was the long term impact on the wider family?

OP posts:
WellThisWentWell · 28/07/2020 11:59

Is hustler2020 op’s brother?

Lochie662 · 28/07/2020 12:08

@KooKooKachoo

Please don't listen to the judgemental comment by @hustler2020. I was going to respond to it but I thought it was just too ridiculous to get into a conversation about. She has assumed a great amount about your situation which is unfair and just plain wrong.

There's a lot of fallout from infidelity and it's unfair that your relationship with your SIL has been compromised through no fault of either of you. I would just try to maintain that relationship as much as possible, and only do what feels comfortable for you. Think about what your boundaries will be moving forwards. Yes I will see the OW at Christmas, no I don't want to see her on my birthday , that kind of thing. No one else is going to think about your feelings in this situation so you have to take care of them yourself.

hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lochie662 · 28/07/2020 12:51

@KooKooKachoo

I think hustler is trying to provoke an argument with you for some reason. It's unpleasant but I would just ignore it and not let him/her derail your thread. Sorry.

Nicelunch25 · 28/07/2020 12:55

Yes my brother lost all my respect. We were previously very close and had only ever fallen out twice. We don't talk any more. It was like a bereavement. I don't know or recognise him any more. He destroyed his ex wife. And his woman he got with is not kind to my niece, says she doesn't like that she looks like her mum, she steamrollers her way over any ones feelings. Shamelessly posting stuff on social media about when they met etc. I get that people don't choose to fall in love but really object to the insensitive way they rewrote history and tried to shoehorn this woman into our family.

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 12:57

Lochie662 I agree, not worth responding to that poster any further. Pretty sad really.

I agree with you about boundaries. It's interesting how when you put them in place people often react with aggression. So if you try to take a step back they take it as a slight or a judgement - is it because you are not validating their choices which triggers self doubt?

OP posts:
Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 13:02

Nicelunch sorry to hear about your situation. It does feel like a bereavement doesn't it, like you've lost the perso you thought they were and they've been replaced by this selfish stranger.

I get that people don't choose to fall in love but really object to the insensitive way they rewrote history and tried to shoehorn this woman into our family

Yep, this rewriting of history is taking place and we're all just suppose to nod along. Gaslighting an entire group of people takes some nerve

OP posts:
hustler2020 · 28/07/2020 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DopamineHits · 28/07/2020 14:46

you should support him . he cheated for a reason

And the reason could be - he fancied fucking someone else.

Lochie662 · 28/07/2020 15:00

@KooKooKachoo

I don't want to burst your bubble .... But I'm pretty sure the latest from hustler was aimed at me as well and not just for you... And you.

Reminds me of "me, myself and Irene".

Anyway. Apologies. We really do need to get onto that helpline. I don't know what to deal with first .. my bitterness? My jealousy? Or the fact I'm boring? Lol

circumventgatekeeper · 28/07/2020 15:03

I didn't get on with my SIL, she was a hard woman to like and hated kids so never had them. Not very friendly or nice about mine, made family events awkward.
But
She didn't deserve to be repeatedly cheated on. Nobody does.
I have lost all respect for my 'd'b, he is a selfish arsehole.
He moved in with the OW immediately, ignores our wishes to keep a distance, Rams their relationship down everyone's throat, is getting married in a 3day extravaganza. Just cannot see that we are barely tolerating any of it just to keep the peace for my parents sake.

I have my own issues with infidelity having been horribly betrayed myself but he is not the man I thought he was, he is shallow, selfish and delusional and I think much less of him for it.

circumventgatekeeper · 28/07/2020 15:04

Oh and it's true men always affair down.

Fressia123 · 28/07/2020 15:11

I know a similar case (although she cheated on her exH so there's a bit of hypocrisy going on too). She's always been civil but distant. The biggest loss though is that everyone's moved on (both respective sides remarried) but her daughters have never met the baby (their baby cousin) because of her own ideas. Her mithe ris my neighbour and she gets sad that she her grandchildren aren't that close because of this.

user1481840227 · 28/07/2020 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1481840227 · 28/07/2020 15:23

Sorry wrong thread. I had a few tabs open!

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 15:47

@Lochie662

I don't want to burst your bubble .... But I'm pretty sure the latest from hustler was aimed at me as well and not just for you... And you.

Damn it! didn't get to read it because it was deleted, too busy working sitting in a cave cackling, being bitter and twisted

Oh well Grin I'll live

OP posts:
Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 28/07/2020 15:55

@circumventgatekeeper

That's interesting, hadn't thought of that. On paper the OW looks like a trade up but she is actually a nervous ball of massive insecurities. I met her before I found out about the affair and she was fawning all over me. Looking back that's actually what made me dislike her the most. That she tried to trick me into a friendship behind my SILs back.

Whereas my SIL is a professional woman and isn't after anyone to validate her.

Suspect that's why he went with her. OW is submissive to my brother's wants and needs whereas SIL is her own fiesty independent self. Misogyny at its finest Hmm

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 28/07/2020 15:57

You didn't miss anything , just it was written to ....

@KooKooKachoo and OP

hence the you and you comment. And the "me, myself and Irene" one And I thought that was funny as well, darn it.

Opentooffers · 28/07/2020 16:54

My DB did this, it was hard at first because they expect everyone to flip and be welcoming to the new OW and all the changes straight away, and it pushes you into further anger. He could of taken his time for things to settle down, that would of been easier at the time. We are all friends now though, I understood, however, why his exW wasn't right for him ( even though it took him 20 years to see it). I had reservations as to their union in the first place as they were very different. SIL had not really put effort in things the last few years and I don't blame him. I think they are both happier now and more suited to their partners, so it all happened for the best.

circumventgatekeeper · 29/07/2020 17:34

@Opentooffers
That's it exactly - the pushing to accept everything immediately, it's to alleviate their guilt.

I was still suffering PTS from my own betrayal and my brother just kept pushing, even when I asked to meet him out the house to talk things through he brought the OW. I was physically shaking seeing her there. She's okay, not my kind of person, she really brings out my inner snob. If he'd just allowed everyone some time but he just steamrollers everyone.
If There were Neisse and nephews involved And I liked my SIL I think I'd have gone NC.

winterisstillcoming · 29/07/2020 20:05

It's a proper moral dilemma.

I'm in a situation where we know BIL is cheating on SIL. He doesn't know that I know either but we has admitted it to DH. I can't stand him.

I'd stay barely civil to your brother. If you can, you need to make your feelings perfectly clear to him - that you think he's a dickhead, and what he has done will require a hell of a lot of redeeming. That you are entitled to pursue a relationship with you ex SIL and your nieces and he better get used to that.

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 30/07/2020 15:20

The pushing to accept is the hardest part for sure. The more he pushes the more angry I get with him. What made me more pissed off was that he was also cheating on the OW so why upset people for nothing? I really don't get it.

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 30/07/2020 16:50

He cannot try and control how you feel. These are the consequence of his actions. He should be apologising to you for putting you in this awful position and asking how he can make it right.

Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 22/08/2020 08:39

I thought I'd come back and update on this thread in case anyone is interested.

My brother and the OW have now broken up. Brother basically dumped her after a major row. Turns out she wanted marriage and wasn't happy with him going off to see family and friends without her. Suspect she thought she could control and change him and it spectacularly backfired. The more he tells me about the situation the more naive she sounds. She had no idea what he was really like (stubborn, independent and not wanting to be tied down). He's actually extremely wealthy so I suspect (but don't know this for sure) but she thought she'd move straight into a very rich lifestyle and be taken care of.

I have a little sympathy for her as she's now 53, with no kids and living on her own. But she dumped her husband to go after my brother so that sympathy is tempered.

He's now so much happier and actually back to his old self. He's now open to building bridges with people and recognises he's been acting like a dick. He's going to focus on his kids now and just enjoy being single. Its a huge relief tbh and everyone seems to be a lot more relaxed.

OP posts:
Original poster
KooKooKachoo · 22/08/2020 09:10

Should also mention that I don't think we've heard the last of the OW btw. I think she's quite desperate underneath. Bit sad all round tbh, what a waste Sad

OP posts:
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