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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband in a new relationship?

57 replies

JustBeingMoi · 28/07/2020 07:57

I ended my marriage a month ago after emotional and verbal abuse.

After only a month I'm pretty certain he's in a new relationship, or at least seeing someone. He has made it clear he has moved on from me and is happy now. He told me in no uncertain terms.

He has changed his name on Facebook (we double barrelled) removing my name. He changed his status to separated within days.

He requested that we remain friends on Facebook, so he could see any posts I put up about our child, but i am unable to see anything on his wall after the date I ended our marriage. It was his birthday last week, so I know he will have got lots of birthday messages, none of which I can see. I'm not tech savvy enough to know how he might be able to do this, as he's still coming up as a friend in my lists.

Something made me suspicious before we ended it that he was seeing someone else, he became very protective of his phone, always picking it up and putting it down, always face down. And now he is changing history, saying that our marriage has basically been over since March.

Do I ask him about it? He has obviously gone to great lengths to make sure I can't see certain things. I know I have ended our marriage, but with good reason. It is just such a short time to move on, it breaks my heart. Obviously we aren't even formerly seperated yet, let alone divorced. I haven't even had chance to have a proper conversation with a solicitor.

OP posts:
Bitchinkitchen · 28/07/2020 08:05

If i were you, i would just block him on all social media and try to put it out of your mind. Focus on yourself and what you need to be happy moving forward.

pog100 · 28/07/2020 08:06

He had clearly moved on before you split and that's one of the reasons he was abusive towards you. You need to mirror the indifference he has to you. I would personally block him on FB and just get going with all the practicalities of divorcing, remembering that he is NOT your friend or on your side. I'm sorry but that's the way it's going to be now.

VictoriaBun · 28/07/2020 08:07

Asked in the nicest possible way - What is worrying you about this ?
You say it was you that ended it due to his abuse, which of course is a good thing to do and all positive. You also say you had suspected him already because of his phone behaviour.
It's early days agreed , but he has moved on and you should also.

Vodkacranberryplease · 28/07/2020 08:07

Wanker. More abuse! In double barrel and take him off Facebook this instant! And spare a thought for his next victim.

SilverYellow · 28/07/2020 08:07

He'll have changed his privacy settings so you can't see anything whilst remaining friends.

I'd say "can you change your privacy settings so I can see any posts about the children" and if he didn't comply I'd delete him.

Or, if you have any close friends who are still friends I'd ask them to show you.. see if there's anything you should be aware of without him knowing you can see his posts.

Mydogisthebestest · 28/07/2020 08:10

He’s out you on restricted. That means you won’t see his posts unless he specifically tags you.

Do the same. Or block him.

I’m sorry but it’s over and he’s moved on. He is allowed to remove your name (I went back to my maiden name within a few weeks of separating).

He was emotionally and verbally abusive to you. You’ve done the right thing.

Mydogisthebestest · 28/07/2020 08:10

*put

Original poster
JustBeingMoi · 28/07/2020 08:10

@VictoriaBun fair question. I suppose I was with this man for 14. Basically since I was a child. It hurts a lot. But frankly also I want to know what the lay of the land is. If he has moved on with someone else, fine. I suppose I feel it might help me with some closure and knowing how to play this separation period. Realistically we are likely to be separated for 2 years before we go for a divorce. So if he can move on, so can I when I feel ready.

OP posts:
StrawberryCloud · 28/07/2020 08:10

Just block him on Facebook, there are plenty of other ways to share photos/updates of your children with him. He's unreasonable to want access to your FB newsfeed whilst hiding his from you, and remaining FB friends sounds like a terrible idea anyway.

Chungus · 28/07/2020 08:10

You can change your Facebook settings like he has. You don't need to be techie, just go through the settings until you find it.

I'm not sure what you'd get out of asking him?

OhioOhioOhio · 28/07/2020 08:11

Yes. Mirror his secret behavior

Chungus · 28/07/2020 08:12

You don't need him to move on for you to.

Mydogisthebestest · 28/07/2020 08:13

And you know. I blocked my ex. And his now wife and her children and his brother and his brother’s wife and their kids.

That was done because my life is nothing to do with them now.

I don’t see that as a bad thing. What’s weird is him wanting to see your FB. Tell him if he wants pics of the kids to take his own.

Original poster
JustBeingMoi · 28/07/2020 08:13

@Chungus probably not. Its just all a bit raw right now.

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 28/07/2020 08:15

In your shoes I'd simply block him on all sm. You can send him photos of your dc if needed, or rather he should be taking his own photos, when they are with him.

PornStarOvaltini · 28/07/2020 08:18

As the PP said, you no longer have access to posts as he's changed his privacy settings. You're set as an acquaintance or similar.

It does sound like he was already with someone and now officially with them or someone else. This is inevitably incredibly hard but your split sounds pretty final so don't torture yourself - try and focus on the reasons you've split. If MN is anything to go by, he will soon lose this person and be on to the next. Don't waste your energy caring. Move on with your life - that'll sting the most.

A lot of posters say writing down their horrible relationship experiences allows them to see and realise how awful life is/was so you could do that on here on in private. On here you will get a lot of support and empathy from fellow sufferers.

This will probably be the hardest part so steep yourself for bumpy emotions, but it's the start of a better, truer life for you & DS. X

allinadaystwerk · 28/07/2020 08:18

How hurtful and unkind of him. 💐
Trust your gut that he was robably cheating or had someone lined up. He has made it clear he and you are over so you jerd yo come to a place of acceptance. Give yourself time and nurturing space. Really look after yourself put him and yhouhfsvof him on the back burner and focus on you getting over him. It's easier said than done but essential for self preservation. Hes s prick if he can do that to his wife. He has no class. Block him on your social media and stop looking for him. Find someone to talk to about it a counsellor is best if possible even if you do not feel depressed or anxious it's great uo talk to someone professional as they are there, just for you for that hour or so and you can pour your heart out without guilt or fear. Believe me it helps. Be proud of yourself for getting out of a bad situation

allinadaystwerk · 28/07/2020 08:21

Sorry for all my typos

Codexdivinchi · 28/07/2020 08:23

JustBeingMoi it’s all just a game for him. He has probably been seeing this other person a while and told her you spit up in March. Take him off your facebook. He wants to keep a close eye on what your doing, it’s not about the kids pictures.

He is a arrogant abusive dick head and you will get passed this. Keep yourself busy. Why do you have to wait two years to divorce him? If he is seeing some one now isn’t that grounds for adultry?

Mydogisthebestest · 28/07/2020 08:26

Unreasonable behaviour is the ground to go for if you want to divorce more quickly. You need legal advice on that though.

Original poster
JustBeingMoi · 28/07/2020 08:29

@Mydogisthebestest thank you. I have spoken to a solicitor, and they have gone away to do some preliminary checks. Perhaps unreasonable behaviour is a possibility for divorce.

OP posts:
andadietcoke · 28/07/2020 08:34

You can put people in groups so they can't see certain posts. So you can exclude him from seeing most of your posts but include him in child centric ones.

StrawberryCloud · 28/07/2020 08:37

*He wants to keep a close eye on what your doing, it’s not about the kids pictures.
*
Agreed.

Mydogisthebestest · 28/07/2020 08:39

Why would she bother titting about with certain groups and showing him this or that? He doesn’t want her to see anything, which is fine and actually quite appropriate once you split. So the op can do exactly the same to him.

Either put him on restricted so he only sees if she tags him or just block him altogether.

If he wants photos of the kids he can take his own and if there’s a particular photo the op wants to share with him she can send it to him directly.

SVRT19674 · 28/07/2020 08:41

Why would you want to see his birthday messages?
Move on, he has.
All the best.