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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my husband in a new relationship?

57 replies

JustBeingMoi · 28/07/2020 07:57

I ended my marriage a month ago after emotional and verbal abuse.

After only a month I'm pretty certain he's in a new relationship, or at least seeing someone. He has made it clear he has moved on from me and is happy now. He told me in no uncertain terms.

He has changed his name on Facebook (we double barrelled) removing my name. He changed his status to separated within days.

He requested that we remain friends on Facebook, so he could see any posts I put up about our child, but i am unable to see anything on his wall after the date I ended our marriage. It was his birthday last week, so I know he will have got lots of birthday messages, none of which I can see. I'm not tech savvy enough to know how he might be able to do this, as he's still coming up as a friend in my lists.

Something made me suspicious before we ended it that he was seeing someone else, he became very protective of his phone, always picking it up and putting it down, always face down. And now he is changing history, saying that our marriage has basically been over since March.

Do I ask him about it? He has obviously gone to great lengths to make sure I can't see certain things. I know I have ended our marriage, but with good reason. It is just such a short time to move on, it breaks my heart. Obviously we aren't even formerly seperated yet, let alone divorced. I haven't even had chance to have a proper conversation with a solicitor.

OP posts:
CatandtheFiddle · 28/07/2020 10:51

He requested that we remain friends on Facebook, so he could see any posts I put up about our child

Block him. It's not your job to enable him to have a relationship with his child.

Men very rarely leave relationships without having 'sorted out' their next woman. Frankly.

Sssloou · 28/07/2020 11:18

OP keep a list on your phone of all of the large and small abusive acts and behaviours that have happened to you over the years. Things will start randomly popping into your head that you haven’t thought about for years. They maybe things that unsettled or confused you at the time and you were unsure if they were intentional acts of abuse. Just log any and everything that comes to mind over the next few weeks.

Then look at it frequently to see the accumulation, patterns, frequency, intensity and totality and pay attention to how you feel. Then imagine the emotional freedom and the calm and peaceful home that you have started to build for your DCs. Take strength from that. Choose to immerse yourself in positive moments now and not get sucked back into further abuse and manipulation. Because if you do you will have the worst of all worlds - him gone, you shouldering single parenthood and still wide open to him hurting you.

As PP have said - move the divorce on swiftly. Sort the money. Seek RL emotional support form family, friends and professionals (therapist, freedom programme).

You have a big restoration job to do which focuses solely on you - to rebuild the damage he has caused to your mind, spirit and self esteem. Your DCs need their Mum to regain her sense of self, her strength and ultimately joy so that they have the best of you. Don’t let him or your insecure urges distract you from this mission. You will feel pulled but put in the defences to help you detach and heal from him. His life choices, his manipulations are not relevant to you anymore.

You have done the right thing - just keep your mind and actions 100% focused on you and your proactive and positive disentanglement and recovery from him. He has done enough damage to you whilst together - so don’t let him do more. Maybe assume the worst - that he was cheating - that has zero impact on divorce financial and access settlement.

Simple. But not easy.

DBML · 28/07/2020 12:00

He wants to see what you’re doing on FB as he’s controlling. Nothing more. If he wants pictures of the kids, he can take them.
Meanwhile he’s put you on his list of ‘friends’ who he hides his stream from.

Don’t keep letting this man dictate your relationship with him. Delete him from your SM platforms; communicate only about the children and thank your lucky stars that someone else is stuck with him now.

Jellybeansincognito · 28/07/2020 12:03

‘ He wants to see what you’re doing on FB as he’s controlling. Nothing more’

Yep.
I’m petty enough to play on this also.

Pics of me dressed up the nines, making more effort to go out etc.

Don’t let him bring you down anymore.

notfunnynow · 28/07/2020 12:33

He was cheating on you and probably since March which is when he conveniently now says the marriage was over. Did he tell you the marriage was over in March? No. Didn’t think so. He’s a coward and a liar. Block his Facebook. He doesn’t get to see yours. He is now a stranger to you. Don’t message him or tell him anything. If he wants photos of the kids he can take them when he has them for access

ClaryFray · 28/07/2020 12:39

He has limited what you can see, and he can still see your posts. Just remove him and move on.

Flyg · 28/07/2020 13:07

i deleted and blocked him, and deleted all his family and mutual friends. Its the best way. Clean.

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