Is my husband in a new relationship?

[JustBeingMoi]

I ended my marriage a month ago after emotional and verbal abuse.

After only a month I'm pretty certain he's in a new relationship, or at least seeing someone. He has made it clear he has moved on from me and is happy now. He told me in no uncertain terms.

He has changed his name on Facebook (we double barrelled) removing my name. He changed his status to separated within days.

He requested that we remain friends on Facebook, so he could see any posts I put up about our child, but i am unable to see anything on his wall after the date I ended our marriage. It was his birthday last week, so I know he will have got lots of birthday messages, none of which I can see. I'm not tech savvy enough to know how he might be able to do this, as he's still coming up as a friend in my lists.

Something made me suspicious before we ended it that he was seeing someone else, he became very protective of his phone, always picking it up and putting it down, always face down. And now he is changing history, saying that our marriage has basically been over since March.

Do I ask him about it? He has obviously gone to great lengths to make sure I can't see certain things. I know I have ended our marriage, but with good reason. It is just such a short time to move on, it breaks my heart. Obviously we aren't even formerly seperated yet, let alone divorced. I haven't even had chance to have a proper conversation with a solicitor.

Just delete him from there- simple.

He may or may not have moved on, but you’re split up now and you deserve to have someone treat you with respect.

Let’s face it, he’s moved on to his next victim, it’s nothing to be jealous about.

He is still trying to control you.

Take your power back and unfriend and block him. You've never posted anything inappropriate about the kids, it's not going to start happening now. X

So he still wants to have access to your FB page but isn’t allowing you to see his? Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

Perhaps he thinks you’re not tech savvy enough to have realised he’s changed his settings.

You need to do the same. Either change your privacy settings so he can’t see your posts or even delete him altogether. If he passes comment about it, and I suspect he will using the excuse that he wants to see pictures of the children, just say “oh, two can play that game, mate.”

Cheeky devil. He’s clearly moved on and you’ve no part in his new life but he wants to keep an eye on you.

I'd say "can you change your privacy settings so I can see any posts about the children" and if he didn't comply I'd delete him

This is what I would do too. The Facebook function is called restricting access. It’s easy to do and means that person remains a “friend” but can only see posts they are tagged in. Nothing else.

It’s really immature but he obviously thinks he can get away with it. Challenge him and tell him if he doesn’t switch it back you’ll unfriend him.

The changing of the surname and erasing of posts is standard behaviour intended to hurt and confuse you. Ignore.

I didn’t change my name back to hurt and confuse my ex. I did it because I wasn’t married any more and I didn’t want his name hanging around me like a bad smell.

@Mydogisthebestest

I didn’t change my name back to hurt and confuse my ex. I did it because I wasn’t married any more and I didn’t want his name hanging around me like a bad smell.

OP has been separated one month. Seems fast work on his part. I’m guessing he’s done that on Facebook but on nothing else. Very much doubt he’s arranged a change via deed poll already.

@Mydogisthebestest I'm sure lots of people do it for genuine reasons. But at this point we hadn't said much about separating to friends or family. It was very early days. In his case it was done to hurt. Like most of his behaviour in hindsight.

OP - with respect, I think you are not being fair here.
Did you mean it when you told him that the marriage is over? Or did you say it in hope that it’ll make him want to change and then ask you to try again?

There are no rules on how people deal with relationship breakdown. And people are different. Some people shut down. Others deal with it by jumping back into seeing others. End of a marriage is a big and stressful event for all - and the other partner doesn’t get a say in how one is managing it. Especially, not when you are the party that initiated the breakup.

In your place - I’d stop fixating on what your ex is doing and focus on yourself and figuring out your new life. You mentioned that you were with him since you were quite young - so the transition won’t be easy and take time.
It doesn’t matter what he does and how he is handling this. You need to find what works for you. Your readiness for dating and moving on is yours - and what your ex does has no bearing on it.
Same with FB. Do what you want to do.

You are still in mindset that there is a ‘we’ in this - as in we agreed, we decided, etc. There is no more ‘we’. There is just you and he is a separate entity, and he’ll make his own decisions. And he isn’t doing it to hurt you - I think you are totally dismissing the fact that he is hurt himself and dealing with the breakdown of the marriage on his side.

I don’t know anything about your relationship, and he may have been nasty to you, etc - but it still doesn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt when you ended it. So - let him deal the way that works for him and focus on yourself.

In your place - I’d see a solicitor ASAP and start the proceedings. There is no benefit for waiting. Unless you think the two of you need a bit of time apart and then try again.

You don’t need a deed poll to change your name on Facebook.

Mine was certainly changed back within 6 weeks. I never did a deed poll, just got a letter from my solicitor.

I had similar situation but it actually worked in my favour as I was able to put adultery as grounds for divorce rather than wait 2 years. Even better that I was able to find out her name through FB and cite that too. Broke my heart that he moved on so quickly but blessing in disguise really.

Block him on everything, he obviously is playing you so , block and move on

@MMmomDD

OP - with respect, I think you are not being fair here. Did you mean it when you told him that the marriage is over? Or did you say it in hope that it’ll make him want to change and then ask you to try again?

There are no rules on how people deal with relationship breakdown. And people are different. Some people shut down. Others deal with it by jumping back into seeing others. End of a marriage is a big and stressful event for all - and the other partner doesn’t get a say in how one is managing it. Especially, not when you are the party that initiated the breakup.

In your place - I’d stop fixating on what your ex is doing and focus on yourself and figuring out your new life. You mentioned that you were with him since you were quite young - so the transition won’t be easy and take time.
It doesn’t matter what he does and how he is handling this. You need to find what works for you. Your readiness for dating and moving on is yours - and what your ex does has no bearing on it.
Same with FB. Do what you want to do.

You are still in mindset that there is a ‘we’ in this - as in we agreed, we decided, etc. There is no more ‘we’. There is just you and he is a separate entity, and he’ll make his own decisions. And he isn’t doing it to hurt you - I think you are totally dismissing the fact that he is hurt himself and dealing with the breakdown of the marriage on his side.

I don’t know anything about your relationship, and he may have been nasty to you, etc - but it still doesn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt when you ended it. So - let him deal the way that works for him and focus on yourself.

In your place - I’d see a solicitor ASAP and start the proceedings. There is no benefit for waiting. Unless you think the two of you need a bit of time apart and then try again.

I agree with this.

I instigated the split from my ex. Once it was over, it was over and there was no going back.

For me, and my own MH, I had to move on in the right way for me.

And that included changing my name and blocking him on Facebook.

I also had some no strings sex fairly quickly (can’t remember time scales - certainly 6/8 weeks) because that was the right thing for me.

Also, you will torture yourself if you see everything he does through the lens of him trying to hurt you.

It’s far better to see it as him doing what he has to do for him and just ignore as much if it if it annoys you as you can.

Definitely delete him on FB. He doesn’t get to make decisions about your life anymore. Obviously I don’t know him but I can guess that he wants to keep you on there so he can say ‘Oh look what a good dad I am! I’m still friends with my ex, look what wonderful parents we are!’ A few of my friends have their exes on FB and they tag each other in joint posts. It always makes me roll my eyes because in most cases the ‘wonderful’ fathers either don’t pay maintenance or can’t even be bothered to see their kids half the time.

Op I would definitely unfriend him he has no right to see what you are doing through social media

You chose to end your marriage and therefore any connection with him other than that of your child.
In a way I can understand him restricting you on SM, I would have done the same but absolutely make sure you do too!

Block him, you are under no obligation whatsoever to share photos of your child.

and constantly remind yourself of why you are not together, whoever he moves on to should have your deepest sympathy.

Have you considered dating yourself? You might feel raw, but a confidence boost and knowing you have a future beyond him will make you feel better

If he was verbally & emotionally abusive then that’s unreasonable behaviour which you can use as grounds for divorce. Forget about the emotional stuff (I know easier said than done), it’s all about the finances now. File papers first so do it soon, that means you control the divorce process, it’s in your interest to get on with it ASAP. Don’t give him 2 years to make it more difficult for you, which he will. What’s he’s up to is just a distraction from what really matters, block & ignore. Start planning your new life. The best revenge is a life well lived.

There is no way I'd keep him as a friend on FB. If you don't want to unfriend him than just change your settings for future posts (this only needs to be done once) so he can't see any future posts of yours. Including the ones with your DC. He doesn't call the shots here.

What arrangements do you have for contact with the child? It's not your job to facilitate 'photos' through Facebook. He wants to keep tabs on your whilst doing his own thing.

I would block on Facebook and only have contact re the child contact and the divorce.

He did tell you he has moved on - believe him. Other posters are right, he left the relationship months ago hence his behaviour, he probably started another relationship when you were still trying to save your marriage.

It sucks, but you will be ok. It will hurt for a while but know he is pathetic for doing that. What a weasel.

Op unreasonable behaviour doesn't have to be anything serious, it's what is unreasonable to you. If he picked his toenails in front of the telly and you found that unreasonable, then that's grounds for divorce.

Stop pain searching.
You left, he has moved on quickly which is what a lot of men seem to do and you need to do the same.
Do not allow him access to your social media, ....he has asked but you do not have to oblige at all. This is the problem with social media.
At the end of the day trying to discover whether he had someone waiting in the wings etc makes not one jot of difference now and will not change things.
Move on with your life and be happy he is no longer in it.

Do you have some RL support around you?
Please reach out to family and friends.
I understand why you haven't.
I didn't for a while and it's my biggest regret.
Keeping his dirty secret for so long caused me many anxious weeks.
The relief when I told people was amazing.
Get it done.
He's moved on. She was on the scene already.

What is the housing situation?
Can we help you with the start of a proper separation.
As advised, solicitor can certainly help.

Have a look on-line on the child maintenance calculator and find out how much he should be paying.
Do you work?
Can you afford the house on your own?
Get onto CAB and get their advice on benefits etc....

Good luck OP.
You are now free of the abusive asshole.
And... BLOCK HIM ON FACEBOOK AND ALL SOCIAL MEDIA - LIKE NOW!!!!

You can divorce him for adultery if he's in a new relationship. You don't have to wait for 2 years separation. Maybe that will get closure?

Op you can have a no fault divorce when you both are ready.

He likely has moved on, and it’s maybe better you mentally refer to him as your ex husband, as it’s really about the legalities now only.

As a pp said, you don’t need him to move on to justify you doing so. Both of you will react differently and be ready at different times. However you’re now effectively single apart from the legalities, so you are both free to see other people when you’re ready.

I would also assume he is telling people and likely introduced some to the new person.