Money! Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Alimino7844]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have three children together.
I gave up my job when our third child arrived (only working weekends and some week days, when my mother lived closer) due to my husband’s demanding job, lack of childcare meant I couldn’t carry on working. I did look for evening work but as my husband is required to work away, we would have had no one to help out with the evening childcare, so I have since been a SAHM.
My husband earns a very good wage, he has recently spent £400 on a few days away with some friends and another £300, which he spent on some equipment for his hobby and he has also spent money on new clothes.
He transfers money to my account to cover the monthly food shopping (which i do weekly), my phone bill which is £10 per month, petrol and our cats food, there is very little money left at the end of the month when everything has been paid and sometimes he transfers me money every 6 weeks instead of 4.
Tonight, he paid for my car insurance for a year, using my bank card and has put me into an overdraft.
Am I being unreasonable to think that this should have come out of the bills account that he has access to, rather than the small amount of money I have in my own personal account? As he uses the main account for his own car insurance.
He has no problem spending £800 on luxuries for himself either and I feel a little ataken back.
I know I don’t physically work and earn my own money but I gave up my job to look after our children, so he could continue doing the work he does!
I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not!

No you are 100% not being unreasonable.

Have you discussed this with him?

Yanbu. That's a really shady move on his part. Was he aware that it would put you into your overdraft?

Tell him you are going back to work and he needs to sort childcare out.

He shouldn'tve used your account without your say so, so that you could ensure it didn't go overdrawn etc. That's a really irritating (or worse) thing to do.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
He is a fucking bastard.
Why do you not have equal access to the money he earns?

YANBU - I feel he is controlling you financially. This is all very unfair. You are a SAHM and this was agreed by both of you. The money he earns should be joint money.
Can you have a sit down talk with him and discuss this?

Why is he using your bank card to sort insurance, couldn't you sort it for yourself, get the quotes and pay on his card? You sound like you're letting him decide everything.

This is why I would never advocate giving up a career to facilitate the partners.

He wasn’t aware that he put me into overdraft no, as I haven’t discussed it with him. He did say “Do you have enough money in your account and I said “What for”? He then said “For your car insurance,” I said I wasn’t sure as I had not recently checked my account and left it at that. I’ve now checked and am nearly £40 overdrawn (car insurance was £170), bearing in mind it’s the summer holidays, so I will be spending more money than usual.
At the same time I’m aware I’m not earning the money but I also awknowledge that by looking after our children, he’s able to continue his line of work.

Yadnbu. Your car insurance should come out of the bills account and you should also both have equal money for yourselves. Regardless of the fact that he earns it, he would not be able to without you providing childcare. At the point you both decided that you would be a SAHM his earnings became joint money. This is completely unfair. Tell him how you feel and suggest that the other possibility is that you go back to work and start paying for childcare (and this would be from the bills account not your wages).

Is he not willing to have a joint account? You don't exactly sound like a money hungry gold digger and if he thought you'd piss the households money up the wall then presumably he wouldn't want to be with you. Have you asked for a joint account?

@backseatcookers - Absolutely not one to spend money, also I don’t have enough funds left at the end of the month to enable me to spend any money. He’s always preferred it that way, he would likely have a joint account if I asked but we’ve always just stuck to the way things are.

YANBU at all!

Why on Earth don't you have a joint account that all money goes into and you have equal access?

My DH is a SAHD and this is what we do.

We discuss big purchases - cars, holidays etc but day to day we both use it for what we need, sensibly

It’s more the spending £800 on luxuries for himself and then using my account for my car insurance that I feel is unfair.

This is crazy. You need to sit down and say that you are the only reason he can work. Unless he wants to pay for a nanny he needs to give you more money or put his earnings into an account you both have access to. Any expenditure over a certain amount needs to be discussed. Go over the family budget and tell him you need more control.

Sounds like financial abuse.

What will happen if you say a joint account needs setting up and you cannot and will not continue barely scraping by while he splashes money around?

How much money do you have for clothes, haircuts, activities, treats, trips etc?

Are there any steps you can take towards working and having an independent income stream?

This sounds wrong. You should have a joint account and expenses such as your car insurance should come out of that.

Sit him down for a discussion and show him this: www.salary.com/articles/mother-salary/

Hopefully, he will be open to an adult discussion. If not, give him the choice of two cards, one for divorce and one for couseling. He gets to pick. What he is doing is called financial abuse. It's real and it's terrifying because it causes such a power imbalance in the relationship.

Remember that if he chooses divorce, he'll have to pay maintenance and possibly alimony for a long time. That money will help you pay for childcare and assist in getting back into the workforce. You're also likely to keep the family home until the youngest child is an adult.

He's being an idiotic man-child.

@user1294625849274 - Maybe I’ll ask for a joint account but he prefers to have things separately.

I don’t have money left over for things like that, I never get my hair done, my sister trims it once in a while, as she’s a hairdresser and I rarely buy clothes for myself, or activities and trips, as I have very little time. I am not one to want a lot to be honest but the car insurance thing has made me think and I am going to talk to my husband regarding this tomorrow.

My plans to return to work are going to happen soon. We don’t have family to help with any sort of child care, so it is difficult and I have no doubt we will lose more money.

He is being financially abusive and it needs to stop. Point out to him you do all the childcare for his children. He should pay you allowance of your own every month do you too can have treats like he does. Warm him otherwise you will get s full-time job and he can sort out and pay for childcare. Show him the cost of childcare. My dd pays £1800 per month and some for after school and breakfast club for other child of school age. She insisted on returning to work after baby was 1 year. Do not allow this to continue. You are being far too reasonable to your selfish husband.

I agree, this is financial abuse. He pays the bills and gives you just enough to cover the food but lives an entirely different lifestyle to the rest of his family.
My ex h did this. The whole time we were together he would never tell me what he earned or share finances. He paid the main bills and gave me shopping money but if I borrowed £5 from him he’d expect it back. Tighter than a ducks arse. I never had any money for anything for myself or the kids but he went away with his mates regularly and bought whatever, whenever.
He liked it that way and I went along with it. When I decided to retrain so I could go self employed working around the kids, I started to do well and have my own money, he’d sabotage it by deliberately getting back late at the time he knew I had to work. When I started to work from home to avoid this he kicked up a fuss.
My point is, it’s not really about the money. It’s about respect, being expected to ‘know your place’ and control.
Don’t put up with it like I did, it was like winning the lottery when he fucked off and I had my own money.

It's very wrong and sounds like financial abuse.

If you divorced you'd get half of everything, maybe more.

You really need to get a joint account. Worst case scenario but what would you do if your husband was suddenly taken ill and was unable to move money around?

Get a financial app such as Banktivity for Apple or Quiken for PC. It pools all your finances into one place so you can see everything and where it is going. Then you can save money, budget, invest and make sure there is equity and justice in your finances.

He pays for food and petrol. Who pays for all the kids’ stuff eg clothes and activities? If you went out together as a family would he pay? What if you wanted/needed something? It doesn’t sound right to me.