Money! Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Alimino7844]

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have three children together.
I gave up my job when our third child arrived (only working weekends and some week days, when my mother lived closer) due to my husband’s demanding job, lack of childcare meant I couldn’t carry on working. I did look for evening work but as my husband is required to work away, we would have had no one to help out with the evening childcare, so I have since been a SAHM.
My husband earns a very good wage, he has recently spent £400 on a few days away with some friends and another £300, which he spent on some equipment for his hobby and he has also spent money on new clothes.
He transfers money to my account to cover the monthly food shopping (which i do weekly), my phone bill which is £10 per month, petrol and our cats food, there is very little money left at the end of the month when everything has been paid and sometimes he transfers me money every 6 weeks instead of 4.
Tonight, he paid for my car insurance for a year, using my bank card and has put me into an overdraft.
Am I being unreasonable to think that this should have come out of the bills account that he has access to, rather than the small amount of money I have in my own personal account? As he uses the main account for his own car insurance.
He has no problem spending £800 on luxuries for himself either and I feel a little ataken back.
I know I don’t physically work and earn my own money but I gave up my job to look after our children, so he could continue doing the work he does!
I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not!

I would tell him you are not happy with the way money is divided.
He is happy to spend plenty of money on himself, & you can't even afford a hair cut, or new shoes.
If he says I earn it, say fine, you can pay for everything, including the clothes, shoes, food, outings, you won't be doing it any more, & when he discovers that their is no butter, that the kids don't have uniform, & just how much it all costs, he might like to consider your situation. In the interim you are seriously not accepting his financial abuse any longer.
& will be looking for full time job, so he can wind down his "hobby", as he will be doing half the child care. Mean it

Oh god this is infuriating! Why do so many men think that it's acceptable? You should be sharing every penny he earns. You are working!!! You're looking after his children which is a tough enough job as it is, you just don't get the financial reimbursement for it. We put all our earnings into one pot and pay for everything out of there. We get equal spending money regardless of the fact that my DH works full time and I work 0.5. This really isn't fair on you, OP and you need to talk to your husband. Good luck

That's awful. I know it's not for everyone but I find a shared account so much better. I do have my own savings though and we are both quite careful.

You are being financially abused

Why has this been allowed to go for so long?! He is being financially controlling, and seems to have you where he wants you! The whole way you cannot afford to have your hair cut ,or any hobbies while he is spending hundreds of pounds each month!(What on?) Be careful when you return to work that he doesnt expect you to use your money on household bills and be no better off! You need an urgent discussion about finance I think!

This is terrible and not at all fair!
DH and I have a joint current account that we both put our salaries into, and we both have a card for, so all joint purchases come out of there (we check with each other for large spends). We also have a standing order for a certain amount of "pocket money" each month which goes into our personal accounts, so that is to spend on ourselves (which we don't have to check with each other).

We earn similar amounts now btw, but if one of us wasn't, this means we'd still have the same amount of spending money each.

YANBU op. This comes up on MN time and time again. Money causes so many problems in marriages and it’s very sad to read. From day 1 of my marriage we had a joint account with all money going in and nothing viewed as his or hers, just ours. I’m now a SAHM and we still have a joint account. My DH’s wages go in there and he doesn’t view it as his money but ours. It’s not a problem that I’m not contributing financially at the moment because I’m contributing to our family in other ways. We are a team with different roles to keep our team going strong. I hope things improve for you op.

Hes taking the piss OP. That's terrible.

I'm a SAHM, due to childcare and some health issues. DP earns a good wage that means we dont have to struggle (not now as made redundant due to covid ). All our Bill's come out of his account, I put shopping on a credit card which he clears at the end of the month. Then he gives me £200 weekly which I use for bits for me and DC, socialising, put some in my savings. Hes happy to do this eventhough DC are not his. I will be going back to work when my health improves and DC can be left alone after school for an hour or 2. After that I will be giving him half my wages towards bills and be keeping the other half.

It is financial abuse you struggling whilst he spends £££ on what he wants. Been there and done that with exH (note the ex bit!).

[quote Alimino7844]@backseatcookers - Absolutely not one to spend money, also I don’t have enough funds left at the end of the month to enable me to spend any money. He’s always preferred it that way, he would likely have a joint account if I asked but we’ve always just stuck to the way things are.[/quote]
Of course he does, it means you dont have any control over the money in your family.

Get a job - pay for childcare from (a new) joint account

You are being financially controlled here and thus abused by him. My guess too is that he is not just financially abusive towards you either. He can and does likely buy what he wants (and goes to the hairdressers to boot unlike you).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He will likely try and sabotage any and all attempts for you to get a job outside the home. Your best course of action here going forward is to divorce him.

Threads like this depress me hugely.
HOW is it still the case in 2020 that we have grown adult women completely controlled financially by their husbands/partners? And others using phrases like "he gives me" £x per week" and so forth? Forcing you to go cap-in-hand asking for more if you need it and having to justify why.

Hi OP. Firstly, I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation, your husband is financially abusing you and you deserve so much more.

I myself left a financially (and later physically) abusive marriage, so I know how you must be feeling right now - confused, hurt, unsure. It's important to recognise this sort of behaviour for what it is. You haven't indicated from your posts whether or not he has always been this way, and by 'always' I mean pre-child/marriage. Did you have a successful career before you became a SAHM?

From my own experience I had a great career. I even out-earned my (now ex) husband before pregnancy. We had the chat about everything being fair and ensuring we were both on an equal financial footing. Once I had a child he ripped up the agreement and showed his true colours. I lived a very similar life to the one you live now, no haircuts, no new clothes, no days out. I was treated like a household appliance and it was soul destroying.

You cannot live like this. You cannot subject your children to this. Surely there has to be more to life for you than this?

Financially abusive men do not change and they are often abusive in other ways too. If I were you, I'd start thinking about a life outside of the marriage.

How're you doing, @Alimino7844 ? xx

You do work! Cleaning, tutoring, driving, waiting, feeding, andsoforth....
When I was in this position I got money transferred every month from my DH to cover:

• rent
• any mandatory outgoings (insurance,school)
• shopping average cost
• 300 pounds extra

And on questions asked ever. If I could save a bit on food that was great, but if I needed more for some reason he'd transfer it in as extra. He said only once that this was "my allowance" and i explained to him very lengthily why IT IS NOT! It is hard work, just a very different type.

To be fair, we always discuss and agree on spending anything about 100 quid for either of us. I once shut down one thing for him and he didi it when I wanted to buy yarn for 120 quid. (still sad about not getting those cashmere hanks, but i did survive).
A family is about partnership, not about mine/yours.... and this coming from an only child :)