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Original poster

Money! Am I Being Unreasonable?

65 replies

Alimino7844 · 26/07/2020 23:06

Hi,
I have been with my husband for 15 years, we have three children together.
I gave up my job when our third child arrived (only working weekends and some week days, when my mother lived closer) due to my husband’s demanding job, lack of childcare meant I couldn’t carry on working. I did look for evening work but as my husband is required to work away, we would have had no one to help out with the evening childcare, so I have since been a SAHM.
My husband earns a very good wage, he has recently spent £400 on a few days away with some friends and another £300, which he spent on some equipment for his hobby and he has also spent money on new clothes.
He transfers money to my account to cover the monthly food shopping (which i do weekly), my phone bill which is £10 per month, petrol and our cats food, there is very little money left at the end of the month when everything has been paid and sometimes he transfers me money every 6 weeks instead of 4.
Tonight, he paid for my car insurance for a year, using my bank card and has put me into an overdraft.
Am I being unreasonable to think that this should have come out of the bills account that he has access to, rather than the small amount of money I have in my own personal account? As he uses the main account for his own car insurance.
He has no problem spending £800 on luxuries for himself either and I feel a little ataken back.
I know I don’t physically work and earn my own money but I gave up my job to look after our children, so he could continue doing the work he does!
I don’t know whether I’m being unreasonable or not!

OP posts:
Devlocopop · 27/07/2020 07:07

I have been a SAHM for over 15 years. At no stage have I "asked" Dh for money or had money transferred to my account for housekeeping.

I have a credit card I spend on (points mean prizes) which is in Dh's name and paid in full every month. I have full access to the joint account and most importantly we discuss money. Every year we sit down and have a financial meeting to talk about what we spent money on in terms of holidays, clothing for the children, food, etc.

I think sometimes when you are a SAHM and pay for things for the children such as clothes, shoes, days outs etc your Dh doesn't see the day to day costs and so can be unaware of the true cost of it. At least I hope that is the issue.

You need to ask him outright why he felt the insurance should come out of your account. If you are afraid to ask then you have huge issues. You should be buying clothes for yourself, getting your hair cut and coloured if you want. Stop being a martyr and tell him you need more money or at least access to more money. If he expects you to tell him what you spend on what then this goes both ways, ask him for his bank statement.

Tinamou · 27/07/2020 07:17

When I was a SAHM all money was shared.

okiedokieme · 27/07/2020 07:20

Either go back to work and he sorts and pays for 50% of childcare plus has to share picks ups/drop offs. Or it should be a joint account and major financial decisions discussed

okiedokieme · 27/07/2020 07:22

One way a lot of couples work money is it comes into the joint account and the discretionary money, which he is free to spend on whatever he wants goes into his personal account and vice versa, once it's gone tough

Sipperskipper · 27/07/2020 07:38

God that's crazy!

I am (almost) a SAHM, working one day a week. DH has always been a much higher earner. We have a joint account and a couple of savings accounts. All the money is 'our' money, no matter who earned it. We always check with each other before making any 'big' purchases (ie over £100) but otherwise it is there for us both to use as we need / wish.

ivykaty44 · 27/07/2020 07:41

explain to him that if this is how things are to be then there will be big changes

i.e. you will be returning to work full time and he will have to pick up half the childcare - either in person or funding. Set out the exact costs of this and let him think on that

ukgift2016 · 27/07/2020 07:49

If you divorced, you would be financially much better off. What does this man bring to your life? Really have a think about that.

SkyeIsPink · 27/07/2020 07:49

I also don't think your set up sounds fair.

I think that all bills should be in one joint account, and then whatever is left over should be split 50/50 between you so that you both have access to the same funds. It doesn't sound like this is happening, it sounds like he's giving you an allowance which doesn't match with his spending

TheProvincialLady · 27/07/2020 08:03

Before you had children did you have reasonable earning capacity? I think you should look very seriously at building up your ability to earn enough money to be financially independent in the short term but particularly for your future. Because this relationship sounds deeply unfair, probably abusive and unsustainable, and if it ends you can be certain that your husband will fuck you over financially if he possibly can.

wintertime6 · 27/07/2020 08:05

What age are your children? Is this a long term arrangement? Or will you be returning to work?

No matter who is earning or not earning, I never really understand couples who are married and have children who don't treat the family money as one pot. Being given money each month or having to ask for it seems like there is a big imbalance in the control in the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2020 08:07

He shouldn't be able to spend 500 quid on himself whilst you're struggling in your overdraft

rookiemere · 27/07/2020 08:12

This is an opportunity to speak to him and give him one chance to see if he is just a selfish idiot who hasn't considered the situation properly or an abusive arsehole.

So "DH the car insurance has put my account into overdraft. I was very surprised when you paid it from my account as the £xx that you put in doesn't cover the basics.This means I have no money to buy anything for the children or myself so we will be unable to do anything over the summer holidays. I think it would be a lot better if we had a joint account as then we as a family can afford to do things. "

See what the response is - I'm sure there is better wording, but you can't go on like this.

pinkgin85 · 27/07/2020 08:13

God OP no one deserves to live like this.
My DH and I have one credit card account with 2 cards so I use it whenever I need and he just pays the bill at the end of the month. He sends me money often just to make sure there's always enough in my account and won't let me leave the house without some cash. You're being financially abused.

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 27/07/2020 08:19

He’s treating you like a 1950’s wife, this is so backward! Most people I know have a joint account/credit card. I think he is being quite controlling. Unless you are really irresponsible with money then you should both have access to the same bank account - you have given your career up to look after both your kids. Imagine the money he is saving on childcare!

Treacletoots · 27/07/2020 08:21

Second a PP. Tell him you're going back to work and he needs to sort 50% of the childcare.

I'm genuinely sick to the back teeth of women giving up their jobs to accommodate childcare because their DH couldn't possibly support their child equally as their jobs are so important Hmm

You're equal partners. I would say you need to tell him his behaviour was totally unacceptable but the reality is, the only way to change this situation now is for you to equal out the power imbalance. Go get a job and don't rely on anyone to keep you and your children. Sadly they have a habit of letting you down.

KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 08:22

This is awful. He is either financially abusive or hasn't a clue how much things cost.

Speak to him tonight and say this cannot carry on. You and the children are struggling financially and cannot go places / do things / get hair cuts / buy clothes / eat out etc and it is not fair they are growing up with such limitations on their experiences when there is money to be spent.

You need a better system.

All bills come out of the main account. Including Food, car insurance, petrol, clothes. Your own personal accounts are for your own luxuries, and you each het the same amount. Otherwise, he is treating you like poorly paid staff.

What do you mean by he is well paid? What does he earn?

RantyAnty · 27/07/2020 08:26

And F the 50/50 childcare. You've been out of work for a while and if you were making 20k and he is making 100k 50/50 is in no way fair.

It's amazing how these men can change when the women refuse to put up with it.

Thinking of the thread where the woman put up with her predator FIL years. Then she flat out refused to do it ever again, miraculously her DH was able to change his work hours.

InTheWings · 27/07/2020 08:31

Oh dear, no mine to buy food to feed him with then.

Never mind Smile

Seeleyboo · 27/07/2020 08:31

Why do so many men hold women hostage with finances when they have children. And why do so many women accept this behaviour.

TumbledGlass · 27/07/2020 08:33

Apart from everything else I don't know if you realise that overdraft rates are changing, I read it yesterday. Bank accounts will be charging 40% on overdrafts Shock

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 27/07/2020 08:41

In the first instance he needs to transfer the money for the car insurance and overdraft charges, into your account so you go back into the black. Secondly, sort out these 1950s arrangements. From now on, a joint account for bills, shopping, family expenses, kids' clothes etc and an equal amount put into accounts for each of you to spend as you wish. I hope you get sorted OP Flowers

NoProblem123 · 27/07/2020 08:48

Why is he sorting your car insurance out ?

Get a job and some independence back while you still can.
He can sort out the childcare for a while, they are not just you & your mum’s responsibility.

Kazplus2 · 27/07/2020 08:50

So have you told him that he needs to put more money into your account to cover the car insurance as the tight budget you have already does not cover it. Honestly I despair when I read these threads as they are all to common. Do not allow yourself to be treated like this. Tell him he either transfers a reasonable amount to you each month or you go back to work and child care is both your problems to solve. If he does not respect you enough to treat you as an equal then he does not respect you so leave him.

RandomMess · 27/07/2020 08:55

TBH you need 2 accounts.

One for food, petrol, car costs, DC costs, phone that he pays into (May as well just have a joint account)

A separate in for your clothes, hobbies, socialising etc that he also pays into.

If he is not willing to resolve this financial disparity then it is pure and simple financial abuse.

Why does he think it's ok to spend that sort of money on himself when you have nothing after caring for his DC and no doubt you doing the bulk of the household chores???

timeisnotaline · 27/07/2020 09:00

My plans to return to work are going to happen soon. We don’t have family to help with any sort of child care, so it is difficult and I have no doubt we will lose more money.
Make sure it is WE. Not just you.
Childcare from the joint account. Don’t spend a penny of your salary on him, he hasn’t on you.