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Original poster

Husband sent drunken text

103 replies

MummyEB · 26/07/2020 18:29

Hi all, looking for some advice please. I’ve been with my partner 15 years, last Thursday my friend messaged me with her Facebook login details and asked me to check her messages. Two weeks ago she received drunken messages from my partner pretending to be me ( can I point out I wasn’t even at home) to try and get her round our House presuming he was going to have sex with her! She didn’t reply until the next day and told him it was weird and he needed to tell me what was going on. This weekend he’s messaged her again whilst stupidly drunk telling her how much he fancies her. She again warned him if he didn’t tell me she would, and she did. He messaged her back sober begging her not to tell me and said it would never happen again, how much of an idiot he was. I confronted him and kicked him out, he cried and said he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, he didn’t remember, he didn’t tell me as he was so embarrassed. I don’t know what to do? We have two boys together, a house, a life. I’m so angry and feel so betrayed

OP posts:

backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 20:47

Your husband is a predator who has not yet to your knowledge assaulted someone but has twice impersonated you online and at least one of those times has attempted to do so in order to trick a lone woman he finds sexually attractive to your home where he would be alone with her.

That's best case scenario.

There's no way back from this OP, you poor thing but it's best to know now rather than even later.

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 26/07/2020 20:51

If he is genuinely contrite ask him to stop drinking alcohol forever and attend AA meetings. If he willingly agrees and does it, you may have found a solution but if he makes excuses, you need to kick his sorry ass out of the door.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 20:58

it's drink or you and kids - he needs to choose.

It's not or anything.

I know plenty of drinks and they don't come on to their partner's friends, and not even a spontaneous, social flirt/attempted kiss (not that that would be ok), but a twice repeated, intentional, strategic, written sexual/really romantic approach.

People so what they're inclined to do when they're drunk. It doesn't make you someone you're not, it just takes away the inhibitions to do what your base self wants to do.

And I also agree with posters that it's quite unlikely he did this isolated, ops just never known before. A lot of women on the receiving end of this would just ignore/block etc.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 20:59

*it's not drink or anything

category12 · 26/07/2020 21:03

I'd say it's far rarer for a woman to do what this friend has done and (quite bravely) expose him, than it is for women to just block.

Plus we don't know what he gets up to when he's out drinking. This is just when he's at home alone.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 21:16

He tried to lure your friend to your home with the intention of sexually assaulting her.

For the sake of total accuracy, we don't know if he planned to sexually assault op's friend, only that it's extremely likely he planned to make sexual overtures/come onto her .. and probably filled himself that they might be welcome.

What he'd have done when she refused sexual overtures/told him to fuck off.etc, we don't know. Perhaps he's have pressed to the point of assault, perhaps he wouldn't have.

In saying all this, I'm not saying he should be forgiven or anything he did was ok.

He's only not a cheat because of lack of opportunity, including those he tried to engineer.

And he has such little respect for his partner and family , he actually goes after one if her friends to try to cheat with.

And his behaviour in the above is still dishonest, manipulative, and majorly creepy.

I actually think, to have "dropped" to the level.of trying it on with ops friends, he really mustn't have been having any luck with other women.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 21:18

So he thought he'd use her (and her profile) as in "in" to get access to an attractive woman (and it would all end beautifully for him in some porn-y fantasy).

category12 · 26/07/2020 21:21

I dunno, some guys prefer close targets - rely on the women being afraid of "drama"/upsetting their friend if they turn them down, and get off on it being under their spouse's nose if they succeed.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 26/07/2020 21:27

I'm so sorry, OP.

At least you now know the truth and can get out.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 21:28

If he willingly agrees and does it, you may have found a solution

Bit it wouldn't be a solution to the fact that op's h clearly fantasises about her friends (which to be rather brutally honest he may not be the person in the world to do) but also is willing to try to cheat with them.when he's drunk .. and is willing to pretend to be her, and use her social media on an attempt to set up a cheating "opportunity".

That's not "forgets to lock the back door/pisses outside the toilet/snores c loudly" when drunk. That's something else entirely. A (potential?) cheater, and a v creepy one at that.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 21:32

I dunno, some guys prefer close targets - rely on the women being afraid of "drama"/upsetting their friend if they turn them down, and get off on it being under their spouse's nose if they succeed.

True, and it can also be that they're more likely to crush on people they have regular contact with, which could be partner's friends especially if they don't have any female work colleagues of "suitable" age/attractiveness to them (or hobby contacts).

Bit this behaviour can also be just laziness and lack of "game" (skills) in sourcing a cheating partner.

GilbertMarkham · 26/07/2020 21:34

may not be the only* person in the world to do

GabsAlot · 26/07/2020 22:08

i dont thik i could even look at him again and your friend wont want antyhning to do with him either

being drunk is not an excuse if i get drunk i dont text my dh's friend

BumbleBeee69 · 26/07/2020 22:35

He's disgusting OP... very calculating and disgusting .. sorry you are going through this... credit to your friend for telling you

MitziK · 26/07/2020 22:49

Jesus fucking Christ.

That sounds as though he tried to trick her because he wanted her to come over so he could rape her in your bed.

Strange how he deleted his SM, rather than hand you his own log in details so you could see what other women he's tried to put into vulnerable/dangerous situations (or worse, has succeeded with)..

loveskaka · 26/07/2020 23:01

If that's what he's tried with your friend then.....🤷🏼‍♀️

SandyY2K · 27/07/2020 00:18

The alcohol probably makes him bold enough to act on his desires...but he was fully aware of what he was doing.

He had the sense of mind to pretend to be you...to use your friendship with her to lure her to your home with intentions to have sex with her.

He's very lucky she didn't go to the police... did he think about that ..impersonating with intent of what he had in mind would probably lead to him being questioned.

I couldn't look at him without feeling disgusted....much less be in a relationship with him.

How shameful of him to do this...it's very chilling that he tried to lure her to your house.... sorry you're in this position.

If you give him another chance...it sets the bar and tells him this is not a dealbreaker for you. Think about it

InspectorGoul · 27/07/2020 09:00

As a PP has put it. If he's like this when at home, WTF is he like when he's out and about?

OP I can see why you feel like you are living a lie. The fact that he's deleted his SM rather than offer you a good look first is telling too.

Start divorce roceedings while it's all fresh and be carried along by them. Get him gone while he is feeling his version of contrite. I would never be able to look him in the eye ever again let alone remain married to him and all that that entails.

GilbertMarkham · 27/07/2020 09:36

Just to reiterate, I think alcohol/drinking is a red herring.

Lots of people drink too much, get drunk etc.

What they get up to and how their mind works when they're drunk is very telling .... and what matters.

LadyOfTheRivers · 27/07/2020 09:47

There is just SO much wrong here.

Even if he was blackout drunk when he contacted your friend (and I believe this is at least a possibility) all that means is that he is in an alcoholic and needs to sort himself out. It’s not in any way an excuse.

He was actively attempting to cheat on you on two occasions (that you know of).

He tried to lure a woman to have sex with him under false pretences (seriously creepy and WRONG).

He chose your friend to approach (showing complete and utter disrespect and contempt for you both).

I’d ask him to leave. He needs to go to A.A. pronto (like, TODAY). But the priority for you is him going and giving you space to decide what you want to do next, without being subjected to his self pitying bollocks.

VenusTiger · 27/07/2020 17:20

A few pps here need to be very careful what they are suggesting here - yes OP's partner tried to lure her friend to his house whilst alone under false pretences, but that does NOT necessarily mean he was going to rape her! FFS!

MitziK · 27/07/2020 17:56

@VenusTiger

He was trying to trick her into going there when there were no other witnesses around. When she expected her friend to be there, not her friend's husband.

What on earth do you think he was going to do? Just some harmless little common or garden blackmail and coercion? Proclaim his undying love for her? Or, perhaps, what a pissed up, sexually obsessed/inappropriate male who has tricked a woman into a very risky and isolated situation is most likely to be planning?

category12 · 27/07/2020 17:57

No it doesn't but he was going to use the opportunity, has she gone there, to proposition her while she was in a vulnerable position, alone in the house with a randy drunk guy. It's a massive potential for something coercive.

And who do you think the rapists are? Most rapes are committed by men known to the women.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/07/2020 21:12

@VenusTiger

You’re very naive

SoulofanAggron · 27/07/2020 23:34

This bloke is amongst those I'd call 'evil,' well, beyond nasty.

Please don't let him just giving up drink be enough for you to get back with him OP.

He planned to assault your friend. Or at least, to trick her into being alone with him late at night without her consent.

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