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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sent drunken text

103 replies

MummyEB · 26/07/2020 18:29

Hi all, looking for some advice please. I’ve been with my partner 15 years, last Thursday my friend messaged me with her Facebook login details and asked me to check her messages. Two weeks ago she received drunken messages from my partner pretending to be me ( can I point out I wasn’t even at home) to try and get her round our House presuming he was going to have sex with her! She didn’t reply until the next day and told him it was weird and he needed to tell me what was going on. This weekend he’s messaged her again whilst stupidly drunk telling her how much he fancies her. She again warned him if he didn’t tell me she would, and she did. He messaged her back sober begging her not to tell me and said it would never happen again, how much of an idiot he was. I confronted him and kicked him out, he cried and said he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, he didn’t remember, he didn’t tell me as he was so embarrassed. I don’t know what to do? We have two boys together, a house, a life. I’m so angry and feel so betrayed

OP posts:
fannyanney · 26/07/2020 19:27

@Funguy

Why has your friend hacked this person's email account?How did she have the log in? The whole thing sounds fishypoo.
Nobody has hacked anything. Her friend sent her her own log in details so OP could see the messages for herself
kazzer2867 · 26/07/2020 19:27

Two weeks ago she received drunken messages from my partner pretending to be me ( can I point out I wasn’t even at home) to try and get her round our House presuming he was going to have sex with her!

But he was sober enough to send messages pretending to be you though. Sorry this is happening to you, but deep down you know he's lying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2020 19:27

He tried to trick her into coming to your home?! Fucking HELL that is creepy.

That's the terrifying bit. Drunk doesn't mean predatory. There's no excuse or explanation for that.

JeSuisPoulet · 26/07/2020 19:28

I'm so glad you didn't shoot the messenger. I was in a mild version of this at the start of this month, with the guy being well known by her and her friends for sending cringy messages, and my friend shot me instead of her husband. I'm so sorry this has happened but I agree with others it is unlikely only her he has done this to and you are well rid.

CuppaZa · 26/07/2020 19:29

He’s an embarrassment. You have a good friend

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/07/2020 19:31

And you've found out about this time because he sent the messages to your friend. How many others has he sent to random women you don't know and who don't know you?

Redwinestillfine · 26/07/2020 19:31

Look on the bright side. She's a friend for life. Him you can do without.

BertiesLanding · 26/07/2020 19:33

If he didn't remember, how could he be too embarrassed to tell you? Disingenuous even in his 'contrition'.

category12 · 26/07/2020 19:33

If he does this when he's drunk at home, what the heck does he get up to when he's drunk and out?

RhapsodyInRaspberry · 26/07/2020 19:34

Your friend sounds really decent for telling you and letting you access her messages so you could see for yourself exactly what had happened. A friend's husband once started chatting to me on his wife's facebook account and she came into the room whilst it was happening and I was so confused and it was really awkward and I felt guilty even though I had no idea what was going on and I thought I'd been talking to her. I'd give him an ultimatum that he either packs in drinking completely or he leaves.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 26/07/2020 19:39

I think she gave you her login details delibrately as she wasnt sure how to tell you your DH has been sending her messages. So now you can see them for yourself.

backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 19:45

The fact he messaged her pretending to be you, inviting her over when you weren't there is fucking chilling OP.

I know this all feels to huge to tackle but you need to try to see that this isn't (just) drunk pest behaviour, it's predatory and calculated. He's awful.

What if she'd have come over? What then?

I feel so sorry for you and your friend, this arsehole has created a horrible situation for both of you.

Seriously, even your run of the mill arsehole cheat doesn't try to trick women into coming to a home late at night by pretending to be someone else. That's such a scary thing he has done.

Original poster
MummyEB · 26/07/2020 19:48

He’s admitted he has a problem and said he doesn’t want to drink anymore, he’s deleted all social media and said he’ll give up his phone if I want him to but how is that living? I want him to be able to have the temptation in front of him but not be tempted, I don’t think he can do that. I love him still, I love our family unit but I just don’t feel the trust will ever be there again.

OP posts:
Ravenesque · 26/07/2020 19:49

What you do or don't do wrt your husband I don't know, but at least you know you have a very good friend.

BarbedBloom · 26/07/2020 19:53

But it isn't just the messages that are the problem here OP. There is a high possibility here that he intended to assault your friend. How could you contemplate being with someone like that?

Plus what life would this be for you? Are you willing to lose your friend over this? Possibly more than one if she warns others.

JeSuisPoulet · 26/07/2020 19:56

Please don't say you are having second thoughts? This guy will be much better for you all out of the family home. You may not realise it now but this will play on your mind increasingly over the next days/weeks/months and you will not want him in your face acting the victim.

conduitoffortune · 26/07/2020 19:58

He took a huge risk in coming on to your friend, in writing too so the evidence would be indisputable. How many times must he have done this in situations where there is no recourse.

lockdownalli · 26/07/2020 19:59

It's nothing to do with alcohol, no matter how much you may wish to believe that.

I have been so drunk I can barely see.

Have I messaged my partners friends asking for hook ups? Erm.......NO!

backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 20:00

@MummyEB

He’s admitted he has a problem and said he doesn’t want to drink anymore, he’s deleted all social media and said he’ll give up his phone if I want him to but how is that living? I want him to be able to have the temptation in front of him but not be tempted, I don’t think he can do that. I love him still, I love our family unit but I just don’t feel the trust will ever be there again.
Sorry to push on this OP but do you not see how terribly predatory it was of him to pretend to be you in an effort to persuade her to come to the house where he would then be alone with her, unexpectedly to her?!
Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2020 20:01

He’s admitted he has a problem and said he doesn’t want to drink anymore, he’s deleted all social media and said he’ll give up his phone if I want him to but how is that living?

All of his words are bullshit. Judge him by his actions, and those are irredeemable. He will be back to the bottle and his lecherous ways soon enough.

Pollypocket89 · 26/07/2020 20:01

Has he explained (and I say that loosely... ') how it sounds like he planned to sexually assault your friend?

Original poster
MummyEB · 26/07/2020 20:05

Yes I do, it makes me feel physically sick! Sorry if I’m not responding, it’s all pretty fresh, think I’m still taking it all in. Never in a million years would I have thought he would of done this to me. I thought we’d always had a good sex life, I suppose that’s why such a shock! But yes I have now seen a completely different side of him, I feel like it’s all been a lie

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 26/07/2020 20:05

Sorry OP, hope you're okay - is your friend supporting you? seems like a good friend to have.
Does he always get drunk when he drinks or is he capable of having a drink without getting into that state? it's not a great role model for your children is it. If he's like this often, he should seek help with his drinking and if you're willing, perhaps start marriage counselling - he might blame the alcohol for his behaviour, but it's clearly an issue - it's not like you can never fancy anyone else ever, we're all human, but he crossed a line and you chucking him out was a good way of letting him know this. Hope you can move forwards.

Original poster
MummyEB · 26/07/2020 20:07

He said he doesn’t know what he would of done because he doesn’t remember, it’s all bull shit

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/07/2020 20:08

He's a liar. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd done this before with other women. If you can't trust him then you can't be together