Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sorry for DH's mistress

64 replies

Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 09:41

DH has gone and got himself a mistress - not in the sexual sense yet, I think, but in a kind of faux-romantic kind of way. He doesn't know that I know. I found out through a bit of digging, as my spidey-sense was alerted through seeing the way he is with her. Because I've been with him so long, and for a few years we did a bit of swinging, I can tell when he fancies someone. Anyway, a techie friend of mine gave me access to some communications between DH and OW and she sounds like she's fallen for him. I don't know her personally, but she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman, perhaps a bit naive, but certainly a caring type. Reading his messages to her, he sounds like a completely different person! He also sounds very caring, a family man, who does nice things, and seems to think he's found the passionate love of his life! Because of reading of this strange version of my husband, initially I thought that maybe he'd fallen for her too. But our sex life hasn't changed, and he's been hinting about getting back into swinging. Other than the messages, I can't see any evidence that he's in love with someone else, unless he's developed the ability to adopt two different personas.
I'm feeling kind of sorry for her, although I don't know her, because she doesn't appear to know what I consider to be the real person he is.
Oh, and for you caring guys who worry about me being in an abusive relationship - don't worry! I'm not a victim. I'm a fairly easy-going person... and I am making my own plans Smile
Anyway, my question is - please say I'm not weird to feel a bit sorry for her and should I just forget about her?

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 26/07/2020 09:47

In your situation I don't think my first reaction would be to feel sorry for the mistress.

Ohshitx · 26/07/2020 09:50

Does she know he’s married?

Veiaola · 26/07/2020 09:50

He is lying to you, that never bodes well in any relationship.

fuckinghellapeacock · 26/07/2020 09:51

You live with a man who is lying to you and doesn’t care about you. Why?

Weenurse · 26/07/2020 09:54

You sound very compassionate, do you think you need to tell her what he is actually like?
Good luck with your plans💐

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 09:55

@Ohshitx

Does she know he’s married?
Good question! I presumed she knows. I mean, I am never mentioned, but I don't see how he could lie about that. She knows about our adult children.
OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 26/07/2020 09:56

I don't think it's weird. He's clearly presented himself as some hard done by, my wife doesn't understand me, we never have sex anymore, we're just together for the children guy who is the perfect father and looking for romantic love again Hmm

Not her fault it's not true. If you are planning to leave you could time when exactly you let her know that he was selling her a line.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 26/07/2020 09:58

I feel sorry for my xh new gf because he will wear the family man mask to get what he wants. Your husband is behaving like an entitled man, lying and cheating to get his own way. And coercing you into swinging without disclosing what his real agenda is. I would focus on you and what you want to happen

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 09:59

@fuckinghellapeacock

You live with a man who is lying to you and doesn’t care about you. Why?
Well, I didn't know that he was lying to me and didn't care about me until a few months ago. I tend to take things at face value and trust people. It is obviously a shock to realise that your husband is such an good liar. After a long time together, there is a lot of unravelling to do in our relationship and there are other people to consider. I am not intending to stay with him x
OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/07/2020 10:00

Sorry but all I can think is imagine finding out your parents are swingers Shock

slipperywhensparticus · 26/07/2020 10:01

I would email her letting her know he is married and making plans for swinging sessions with you his wife it will show her true character if she continues or not

PicsInRed · 26/07/2020 10:04

she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman

Interesting post.
If she turns out to be working class, will you feel less sorry for her?

TwentyViginti · 26/07/2020 10:06

slipperywhensparticus I like your idea!

Bitchinkitchen · 26/07/2020 10:08

@BigSandyBalls2015

Sorry but all I can think is imagine finding out your parents are swingers Shock
Shock horror, adults have sex lives!
Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 10:08

@Weenurse

You sound very compassionate, do you think you need to tell her what he is actually like? Good luck with your plans💐
I mean, I don't think she's my responsibility, so I don't need to tell her what he is actually like. And it's not like I feel I am in competition with her as, if he left me for her, he'd be doing me a favour anyway. I just have this nagging sense that I wouldn't want her to ruin her life only to end up a few years down the line in the same position I'm in. I know that she's married to a nice man and they have a child. She doesn't strike me as being into swinging. But I also have the underlying feeling that she wouldn't believe anything I said anyway, so best to just leave her to it.
OP posts:
ColumboOnTheCase · 26/07/2020 10:14

I know that she's married to a nice man and they have a child.

I’d leave her to it, she deserves to find out the hard way.

Bitchinkitchen · 26/07/2020 10:15

@Corner1234 I'd be feeling sorry for the nice man she's married to, if i were you.

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 10:15

@PicsInRed

she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman

Interesting post.
If she turns out to be working class, will you feel less sorry for her?

No, and that's not what I meant at all. It was poorly-worded on my part and I apologise for that. I was trying to convey the sense of who she is. Kind of get the sense of her having over-protective, privileged parents, that kind of thing. However, I am duly reprimanded and will take more note of how I convey things in future. Smile
OP posts:
Jeremyironsnothing · 26/07/2020 10:16

She's lying to her husband. He's lying to you.

They deserve each other. I wouldn't feel sorry for either of them.

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 10:18

[quote Bitchinkitchen]@Corner1234 I'd be feeling sorry for the nice man she's married to, if i were you.[/quote]
Umm, yeah, poor guy.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 26/07/2020 10:18

I can't get past the middle class bit of your post

As if the fact she's middle class makes the situation better or makes her a better person for doing what she's doing.

Are working class women more immoral?

JeSuisPoulet · 26/07/2020 10:21

I get it OP. I still feel sorry for the woman exDP ended up with. One of his exploites that affected her badly ended up in the paper. I do also think she had a fair few warnings though - she came to Court when he was trying to convince a Judge that he shouldn't have to pay maintenance and knows he hasn't seen his only child since she was 6mo. I do think she was sold a story I was a nutter and he was a poor misguided soul though, not that she had to fall for it.

If she knows he is married and he hasn't pretended you know, she is not the kind-hearted soul you think she is.

Tlollj · 26/07/2020 10:21

Trouble is if you tell her it might all blow up and come to nothing.
Don’t tell her then he might fuck off of his own accord.

areyoubeingserviced · 26/07/2020 10:22

Just leave her to it. She will have to find out the hard way.
Just take care of you

user1471457751 · 26/07/2020 10:25

What do you mean by a techie friend gave you access to their communications? Him cheating isn't a crime but hacking is