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Original poster

Feeling sorry for DH's mistress

64 replies

Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 09:41

DH has gone and got himself a mistress - not in the sexual sense yet, I think, but in a kind of faux-romantic kind of way. He doesn't know that I know. I found out through a bit of digging, as my spidey-sense was alerted through seeing the way he is with her. Because I've been with him so long, and for a few years we did a bit of swinging, I can tell when he fancies someone. Anyway, a techie friend of mine gave me access to some communications between DH and OW and she sounds like she's fallen for him. I don't know her personally, but she sounds like a decent, middle-class woman, perhaps a bit naive, but certainly a caring type. Reading his messages to her, he sounds like a completely different person! He also sounds very caring, a family man, who does nice things, and seems to think he's found the passionate love of his life! Because of reading of this strange version of my husband, initially I thought that maybe he'd fallen for her too. But our sex life hasn't changed, and he's been hinting about getting back into swinging. Other than the messages, I can't see any evidence that he's in love with someone else, unless he's developed the ability to adopt two different personas.
I'm feeling kind of sorry for her, although I don't know her, because she doesn't appear to know what I consider to be the real person he is.
Oh, and for you caring guys who worry about me being in an abusive relationship - don't worry! I'm not a victim. I'm a fairly easy-going person... and I am making my own plans Smile
Anyway, my question is - please say I'm not weird to feel a bit sorry for her and should I just forget about her?

OP posts:
MrsAJ27 · 26/07/2020 10:25

You sound lovely OP! Let the OW find out what he is like on her own! You owe her nothing and they both deserve each other!

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 26/07/2020 10:26

@Jeremyironsnothing

She's lying to her husband. He's lying to you.

They deserve each other. I wouldn't feel sorry for either of them.

This.

She's an adult - should be aware people aren't always what they seem I suspect as you know it's all a lie and she's been taken in makes you bit sympathetic but she's doing her own lying to people in her life.

Who knows maybe she's lying to you DH as well about who she is or putting on her best face.

I'd suggest focusing on you and your plans for the future.

Fairenuff · 26/07/2020 10:26

I wouldn't fee sorry for her. They are both lying and cheating. I do feel sorry for you and her dh though. Glad you are making plans to leave.

TatianaBis · 26/07/2020 10:28

Yeah I’d feel sorry for her too. I’d probably give her the heads up and let her make of it what she will.

Sorry your H turned out to be such a twat.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 26/07/2020 10:31

I don’t think it’s weird OP, it shows wisdom and empathy. She’ll learn.

smallskylight · 26/07/2020 10:31

I would email her letting her know he is married and making plans for swinging sessions with you his wife it will show her true character if she continues or not

Do this!

FTMF30 · 26/07/2020 10:37

Can't see how you could feel sorry for her if she knows about your existence as his wife.

JeSuisPoulet · 26/07/2020 10:42

FTM - because he isn't who he says he is. It is possible to feel sad for people who are tricked by twats not least because you have been similarly tricked. I do think there is an element of karma to these situations though. Agree she is lying to her family too and therefore just as bad as him.

Immigrantsong · 26/07/2020 10:52

OP I thought one of the principles of swinging is trust. How does that work when your DH goes and does something behind your back? Was swinging something he first suggested? Could it be that nothing is enough for your DH?

I wouldn't feel sorry for someone in that position, but you do and that is what matters.

Are you happy? Your DH sounds like a knob btw.

FortunesFave · 26/07/2020 10:54

I thought that maybe he'd fallen for her too. But our sex life hasn't changed, and he's been hinting about getting back into swinging

This is no indication that he hasn't fallen for her. Many men can sleep with two women and care about both to some extent.

Also....how does his hinting about swinging again make you think he doesn't love this women? Confused

dottiedodah · 26/07/2020 10:55

I am struggling to see why you feel sorry for your DH mistress TBH! She is married with a child ,and is playing away with another man! Surely her DH needs some sympathy? Why would it matter if she was from a "good" middle class home FFS! Your DH sounds like most men .He has probably spun her a line that his wife doesnt "understand" him ,and will make her lots of promises of setting up home with her ,and leaving you which wont come true! You sound oddly detached from him ,and say you are planning on leaving .when? If he has been swinging ,as well as having sex with you, and possibly this OW then he has been having several cakes at once and eating every one !

oakleaffy · 26/07/2020 10:57

Ah, the good old British Class System.

So good to see it is so alive and well.

BlindAssassin1 · 26/07/2020 11:01

But our sex life hasn't changed, and he's been hinting about getting back into swinging

Corner1234 So have you been sleeping with your DH while you knew he was having an affair?

Perhaps he's trying to get the OW and you into the swinging thing together somehow? Perhaps justifying his behaviour or something?

I must say OP, you've got a level of calm and restraint I would certainly not have if I found my partner was having a relationship on the side!

oakleaffy · 26/07/2020 11:01

SIL [divorcing] is dating a man who so say ''Earns a fortune and is single''

Turns out he is married with four children....and doesn't want to leave his wife.

I read an article about a woman on the dating circuit who used too feel under the passenger seat for kid's toys, bits of lego as ''so many'' men lied.

VeeDubber · 26/07/2020 11:05

If your husband is presenting to her a version of himself that doesn't exist, then it's very likely that this "decent, caring, naive" woman that she is presenting as, also doesn't exist.

Save all of your sympathy for her husband and child.

MaeDanvers · 26/07/2020 11:17

Oh no. I’m so sorry this has happened. It must be awful and it seems like there may be a chance you’re in denial a bit. Feeling sorry for her and painting her in your mind as a silly something who is being lied to by your husband is a good way to try and keep your ego intact and avoid the pain of them exchanging loving messages that apparently doesn’t happen between you and him.

If you were upset enough about this to get a techie friend to give you access to his messages (I assume that means hack him) then I think your apparent underreaction here is a massive protective thing.

It’s highly unlikely you actually feel sorry for her and way more likely you’re understandably incredibly upset and need to make her ‘smaller’ in some way by ‘pitying’ her.

FreeWillies · 26/07/2020 11:19

I get it and I think you sound like a good person.

I was cheated on several years ago and what made me end the relationship more than anything was the way he spoke about the OW. When I heard things like 'it didn't mean anything, it was just sex, it was all in her head if she thought I really loved her, i've told her that now and said to leave me alone' just made me think wow, you really are a cunt.

I fell in love with him so could see how someone else could. But if he's throwing her under a bus and saying such disrespectful things about her, I could imagine what he'd said to her about me.

So I thought, not only have you lied to me and not cared about me, you've lied to her, used her to meet whatever needs you wanted meeting (excitement, attention, whatever) and now you'll just cut her off? Told her you loved her for months, let her think it was true and now treat her like a piece of shit? Leave her heartbroken with a 'it was all in your head now leave me alone'? What a disgusting way to treat someone.

It was that that made me not want him. I don't think I could have forgiven the affair in the long run. But I might have tried if he hadn't exposed himself as someone that had zero regard for the effect he had on other peoples lives, used their emotions and then thought it was something I should be grateful for, that he treated her like shit.

So that backfired.

And I always think the same when I see posters on here saying their DP has said ow meant nothing, they'll never speak to the OW again, it was just sex etc. Not expecting DWs to have sympathy for the ow but I always wonder why they don't think he's a shit for using a human being and then treating them callously.

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 11:19

@Immigrantsong

OP I thought one of the principles of swinging is trust. How does that work when your DH goes and does something behind your back? Was swinging something he first suggested? Could it be that nothing is enough for your DH?

I wouldn't feel sorry for someone in that position, but you do and that is what matters.

Are you happy? Your DH sounds like a knob btw.

Absolutely, swinging is about trust. He suggested it first and yes I think you could be right in that nothing is enough for DH. No, of course I'm not happy that he's turned out to be the way he is. I guess I was naive when I married him. Thank you for the 'knob btw' comment. Smile
OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 26/07/2020 11:20

Swinging in the Time of Covid.
There's your novel, OP. Go set your keybaord on fire with that one.

TimelyManor · 26/07/2020 11:23

It is obviously a shock to realise that your husband is such an good liar.

I didn't realise just how good a liar mine was until after we'd separated. I hear what you're saying about the OW but mine knew he was married, she'd spent a lot of time in our company, she knew we had a DD who died but the thing she didn't know was that whatever he was telling her was all lies. So on one hand I think fuck her she deserves everything she gets but on the other I wonder how she is and how the abuse is going.

I'm glad you're making your plans, OP, but I agree with others who have said save your sympathy for the OW's husband and child.

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 11:23

@oakleaffy

Ah, the good old British Class System.

So good to see it is so alive and well.

I feel terrible for using that moniker, especially as I am from a working class background myself. I guess I suffer from reverse snobbery, I don't know. Confused. I should have used 'privileged' perhaps, over 'middle-class'.
OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 26/07/2020 11:25

No, of course I'm not happy that he's turned out to be the way he is. I guess I was naive when I married him.

And that's why you feel sorry for the 'mistress'. She reminds you of you, back then, when you used to believe in that idyllic picture of love and romance that he's painting for this fool of a woman now. He's portraying himself as a great family man to this woman, an all around mensch! But you know the truth and it hurts. He's a facade. Feel sorry for yourself. She at least has a chance of escaping being duped by such a phony. She's got an eject button. You don't because you're well in. Sad

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 26/07/2020 11:26

You don't owe her anything, but maybe a quick friendly email to tell her what he's really like. It's then up to her whether she believes you or not. Maybe she's having issues in her own marriage and her H is not quite the nice guy everyone thinks he is.

Original poster
Corner1234 · 26/07/2020 11:26

@MaeDanvers

Oh no. I’m so sorry this has happened. It must be awful and it seems like there may be a chance you’re in denial a bit. Feeling sorry for her and painting her in your mind as a silly something who is being lied to by your husband is a good way to try and keep your ego intact and avoid the pain of them exchanging loving messages that apparently doesn’t happen between you and him.

If you were upset enough about this to get a techie friend to give you access to his messages (I assume that means hack him) then I think your apparent underreaction here is a massive protective thing.

It’s highly unlikely you actually feel sorry for her and way more likely you’re understandably incredibly upset and need to make her ‘smaller’ in some way by ‘pitying’ her.

Interesting! I hadn't even considered that. It could be possible, I suppose. I would have to give that some thought!
OP posts:
ballsdeep · 26/07/2020 11:28

Maybe he wants to introduce her to your sex life?

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