Just found out about DH violent past....

[Loopylou11]

After my post last week, things have escalated. I've just found out my husband was violent to previous girlfriend's and heavily took cocaine. He's been acting strange for over a year, cold towards me and the children, no help at all, calling me crazy and warped (I have PTSD). Last week we got into an argument because I attempted to check his phone to see if he was talking to other women....He went for me, trying to grab the phone, I wouldn't let go and so he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it really hard and dragged me across the floor..He said the I'm sorry speech. It's the first time this has happened. However, not being content with his sorry and due to his actions, I looked up 2 of his exes and asked why they broke up. Long story short, both women, who don't know each other, have said he had a big drug problem, and was violent....I knew none of this when we married. I am scared to a certain degree, but am not weak. How do I remain safe whilst removing him from my home? I have children and no family around so this makes it difficult, any help or advice? X

No advice but hand holding and bumping x

Thank you xx

Run as fast as you can! He has a violent past and will never change. You and your kids are at risk being around him. Get your ducks in a row and leave as soon as you can

What's the financial situ op? Whose name is on what, what access do you have toonwy etc?

To money etx

Seek legal advice and speak to police DV team on the best way to leave.

Is it your home or both your home? Rented or bought? Are they his kids?

Sorry you're having to go through this but you sound a strong sensible woman! You can do this!

You poor thing. I can only suggest Women's aid, or citizens advice. Possibly see if your local police force have a domestic violence unit? I would report what happened before. You may need this logged going forward. Hopefully someone will come along who really knows whats what. Good luck & stay safe

He's the main earner, but I don't care about that. He's on my tenancy, my Universal credit and child benefit is what I get into my bank x

The police DV will give you information on what to do. Please do not think he will change. They never ever do.

Have you done a Claires law on him? Did anyone report it and press charges?

I called the police last week when it happened. But for some reason I was scared to press charges😔 maybe guilt in some way cause of the kids x

What's Claire law?

Enlist a support group of 2-3 close friends who you can call any time, day or night. Agree a code word for emergency (like coffee or whatever) when you need them to call 999 or turn up in person immediately (to looks after kids etc).

Report what happened to police. He doesn't have to know that you did, but once the first incident is reported, the future incidents will be easier for you and for police to deal with.

Call domestic abuse help line for advice.

Find a family law solicitor. If you know friends who are divorced they may recommend someone. Write up particulars for 'unreasonable behaviour' for the divorce application, then call family law solicitor and run it through them to check it's likely to satisfy the court then start divorce process. Choose a good time for this - you need to be strong, and well supported - this will be a high risk time for abusive behaviour to surface again and you may need to call police if it happens.

You are doing well. x

I know some many people don't ring them and feel awkward about it, but Women's Aid are amazing. It is their job, when called on, to help you out of this sort of situation. They have all kinds of resources (or did, funding is a bitch) and they have people trained to know what helps you can get from who, what to do about benefits and tenancies, etc.

They saved my life twice. They're wonderful.

As mentioned above, you can also speak to the DV police dept but I don't know how that works, I didn't use them.

You can do this. The sooner the better because behaviours escalate.

Thank you for your advice, seems alot to sort out. I'd happily tell him to piss off tomorrow! But it would be commotion and that's what I'm trying to avoid and he has nowhere to go.....

I'm not sure whether this is advisable, but I'd have 999 dialled on the phone so that if he attacks you, you can press the dial button. Probably shit advice.

Who cares that he has nowhere to go. Not your problem, he'll find a sofa somewhere don't you worry!

So I woke up this morning to a message from the ex telling me to get as far away from him as I can...I have to say I've got slightly more scared, I looked at him yesterday and just realized I never knew him. I also have started to video document, because I don't know what could happen. Thank you all for your advice and personal messages. Fortunately I done all my crying last week, which hopefully will minimise the heartbroken aspect of this. My main priority is the kids and me, so I will start to take steps, carefully I might add, to get him out. Thank you so much X

Are the kids his?

Good luck with everything, I imagine it's very scary.

Speak to women’s aid for advice.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Believe his exes.

Call the Police. He has threatened you and I’m sure they will be able to help.

The children are his, that's why I'm strong enough to leave, cause I won't let him ruin them. I'm scared cause I don't know what he's capable of, plus he's 6'2 and I'm 5'4...but I feel like love is certainly blind, cause even now, I'm still thinking there are times he's amazing, but there's always been a side to him that I didn't know and truthfully didn't care because he was good to me...This is gonna be a long road X

How long had you been together before you married and how long have you been married? Seems weird you knew nothing of his past?

It is a long road, but you've made the first step which is the hardest, now you just need to keep going. Call police to log the threat, and call domestic abuse helpline to come up with a plan to leave / separate. Then call solicitor. Then friends - you need as much support as you can get, don't be afraid to ask for it. When I made all those calls, it took me a week to do them all because of all the waiting times during lockdown (i.e. domestic abuse helpline only called me back three days after, they're so busy right now, and family law solicitors are all mega busy too). The sooner you start the better.

You may need to engage social services to help you understand your options about child custody and what's best for the children, but I'd do this later once everything else is done.