Just found out about DH violent past....

[Loopylou11]

After my post last week, things have escalated. I've just found out my husband was violent to previous girlfriend's and heavily took cocaine. He's been acting strange for over a year, cold towards me and the children, no help at all, calling me crazy and warped (I have PTSD). Last week we got into an argument because I attempted to check his phone to see if he was talking to other women....He went for me, trying to grab the phone, I wouldn't let go and so he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it really hard and dragged me across the floor..He said the I'm sorry speech. It's the first time this has happened. However, not being content with his sorry and due to his actions, I looked up 2 of his exes and asked why they broke up. Long story short, both women, who don't know each other, have said he had a big drug problem, and was violent....I knew none of this when we married. I am scared to a certain degree, but am not weak. How do I remain safe whilst removing him from my home? I have children and no family around so this makes it difficult, any help or advice? X

We were friends 20 odd years ago, lost touch, met up years later. Got married 2 years after we got together. We knew each others families, thing is all this with his exes I wasn't around at the time, if moved and we lost touch. Nobody ever told me anything about his past and at the time never had a reason to question anything. I only started to question, when he started acting strange when I got pregnant last year. But I wasn't focused on it, till now...The look on his face when he carried on squeezing my wrist and flinging me around a room is what made me dig deeper. Evil, messed up and spiteful is what I saw in his face. I feel like an idiot, because I'm actually a smart chick and I never saw this coming 😔😔

You’re not an idiot. If we could see their intentions immediately we’d never become involved. Abusers are masters at hiding themselves until you’re in too far.

His type become masters at not letting their mask slip, do not feel like an idiot

He sounds awful. Sorry to hear this OP. He defo needs to go. You and your kids deserve better.

That's why when he says I'm crazy I believe it at times, cause everyone likes him! He takes his kids to school, he goes shopping, he works
... From the outside it looks like I've got nothing to complain about X

From experience, please do press charges. Then you can get help with legal aid for the divorce and get the police to arrest him and get a non molestation order and occupation order to keep him away from you. Ask the police for help.

I had a much lower threshold couple of incidents, I didn't even register it was dv until months later, and no one knows officially so I've had to mediate in the past for the divorce and it was hellish.

There's a D8 form online to download. I think I could try to convince him to sign it, something alone the lines of it being financially beneficial? Tell him my UC would increase. Are these forms legally binding? It says I can do it online or post them X

Please don't try to leave him with him knowing in advance, it's dangerous when you're living with an abuser. He likes having control over you and won't want you leaving or chucking him out. Please get advice from the police

Speak to Women's Aid. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Get their help to do it safely

I left my abusive cocaine taking ex last year.
My best advice is get support - there will be local domestic abuse services in the area who will help you plan safely. You will need a non molestation order in place.

Also my best advice is to keep
A diary and if anything happens contact the police, it's scary but honestly the best thing I did. Now he has a known conviction it has been easier to ensure the children are safe - he's only allowed supervised contact etc

Just over a year down the line I'm so much happier. Good luck x

I'm glad you're in a better place 😊 hopefully in a year's time I'll be saying the same. He's off work today so it's a bit difficult to do all the planning and calls xx

@ohwhattodowithmylife Could you tell me certain behaviour that your ex had when he was taking and when wasn't, like mood swings and stuff xx

Of course Loopylou11 he was ok, well he never helped out around the house or anything but was very generous to others and so was well liked.
When he drank he got cocaine and afterwards he would sleep in and drink more to help the come down.
He would get really emotional, nice sometimes - send nice emails or be really lovely to me/about me. He could also be in a horrible mood, verbally abusive, sometimes physically abusive and paranoid. He would crave it more and more after having once or twice so it would spiral.
When he knew I was planning to leave (the first time) he became more paranoid and hacked my Facebook accounts and messaged friends and family claiming I was mad/depressed. He managed to convince his family that was the case. He has made up things about me to social services and continues to do this- tells them I'm an alcoholic/ drug addict who is violent to the kids.
I kept diaries and like I say when I left the second time he came to my new house (drunk) and assaulted me in front of our children. I had called the police and now it's taken seriously by others.
Please get support as this time is very dangerous for you. You need domestic abuse services to help you plan your exit safely.

This sounds very horrible but I am glad you noted the look he gave you and you got the measure of him. Once a man looks at you as if he is thinking about how much damage he can do now, it is over.

He will run around saying you are mental to friends and family etc. Keep a diary and stick only with trusted friends (people who have your back).

But it’s like appeasing a tiger. You have to leave and not live in such a dangerous way.

I swear I'm gonna knock him out! I can't live like this and no one's taking this seriously

I'm sorry I'm a c, but I can't live like this xxx

Are you ok? Is there anywhere you can just go and stay to get away with the dc?

Hi there, OP. Just in case you hadn't seen it, we wanted to flag our domestic violence page here for you. Some of the numbers there may be of use.

We hope you're ok.

Hi all, thank you so much for all the advice. He has now left. As painful as the whole situation is, with time I'm sure I will be ok Xx

@Loopylou11

Hi all, thank you so much for all the advice. He has now left. As painful as the whole situation is, with time I'm sure I will be ok Xx

Thanks for the update OP.

Can you have his name taken off the tenancy? Change the locks?

Perhaps you should also contact one if the organisations Hebemumsnet suggested?

Take care of yourself my dear. 🌹

I'm not sure how confident you feel that he won't come back to the house uninvited but it might be worth looking into getting a restraining order and an occupational order. I understand that where there has been DV you can get assistance with these but Women's Aid will guide you on this.
And definitely go back to the police.

Thank goodness he is now out.
Take every step you can now to protect yourself and your DC.
I can't imagine he will blend away.
He will want his pound of flesh and he won't want to lose his grip and control.
So be prepared.
Well done OP.

Had a slight meltdown last night, but I expected it. As I mentioned before I am alone, so I can't be down for too long 😊 I have involved social services jus to make sure they see their dad, especially older boy (7). As for me, I went to the shop, contacted UC to take him off the claim, have divorce papers that I will give to him when social worker is around and I've started to clean up. I look like s*"t but who cares never get visitors lol One day at a time....On a serious note, thank you all for giving me the courage to move on and just being there Xx

Blimey @Loopylou11 - you can have meltdowns.
There will be more to come.
You will have good and bad days but you sound strong and you still have your sense of humour, so good on you!
You've already done loads, very impressive!
Keep going. We are all here.

Wow you've been very proactive. Well done.

Of course you're going to have good and bad days but you're one amazing strong lady!!