Mixed messages from woman

[Loodibo]

I'm basically confused and not sure how to proceed here.

I met a girl on the match app and we started chatting. I felt like we hit it off quite quick, were getting to know each other and enjoying the chat. Loads in common.
We were texting for a few days almost non stop. It felt like a real click.
So we arranged a date. We had been flirting a fair bit, but she said she had only recently broken up with an ex so wasn't keen to rush into anything, and we were definitely not going to sleep together on the first date. She said she wanted to get to know me first. That was/is totally fine by me.

So we meet. Chatting, enjoying each other's company. Drinking. She says she's over her ex now. She opens up a lot. Tells me secrets. At one point she's in tears about what she's telling me. It's obviously very personal and I'm honoured she feels comfortable to speak to me about it.
Before long things become physical, despite her saying she wouldn't. We go back to mine. We fool around a bit, but don't have sex. She stays over as she's tired and not feeling well from drink.

I walk her home in the morning. She's a bit upset about how fast things went.

After that, we arrange a second date on condition that there is no alcohol and clothes stay on, and we avoid sexual stuff.
So I invite her for board games. It's all good for a while, but then she offers me a massage and leads the conversation to sex again. I was behaving, but as she's opened the door, I'm happy to join in. She very much leads the convo though, and seems to enjoy turning up the heat. She tells me all the things she'd like to try with me.

I feel like, I am happy to wait for her to be ready, and go at her pace, but she's running with it.

So overall, although she is saying she wants to go slow, she seems keen to jump in too.

So anyway. We're back to text the next day. Having a great convo, talking about all the things we can do next time we meet up.
Suddenly, she says she's not into me romantically and just wants to be friends. Still getting over ex. She wants to do the things we were talking about but she's sure she doesn't see a romantic future for us.

So, obviously I'm confused. Blowing hot and cold. I don't know if she really means there is no future or if that is just the feeling today? Despite the mixed messages, I really really like her and think she's really special. I've told her as such too.
So there is also the factor of hanging out as a friend with the elephant in the room of my feelings for her.

*sucked in
*dont let anyone like her

Oh and Google 'narcissistic mirroring' too maybe. Its when they act like you have 'so much in common' but really...they are just mirroring you back at you.

Thanks bunny.

It's possible it's that. Doesn't seem it from my view, but I guess the point is I'm meant to be blind to it.

When someone is giving you 'mixed messages' they are actually giving you a clear message - they aren't in the same headspace as you and there isn't a healthy dynamic.

So walk away. Really. She's told you she's not ready to be with someone - she may have claimed to change her mind but her actions demonstrate that's probably still true.

You'd be really foolish to carry this on and you're at risk of buying into a drama llama relationship where the dynamic always continues to be this push / pull thing.

Just say you're not on the same page and move on.

I agree with OhCaptain,

She's clearly told you she doesn't want a sexual relationship but if she wavers for a second you'd go for it OP and that's not ok. She's said she doesn't want one and is clearly not emotionally capable of making proper decisions - hence the changing her mind.

Can no one (OP especially) see that if this does become physical it could be very much seen as a man taking advantage of a woman in a vulnerable state?

I don't hate men, but experience has lead me to see that not every man has the woman's best interest at heart and it looks to me like this is the case here.

Op doesn't seem to care that the woman is up and down in her own mind, she's made it clear she doesn't want a physical relationship, made it clear she doesn't know what she wants, but OP wants to stick around and if sex came up again he'd be all for it.

I would be seriously unimpressed with any brother/uncle/nephew/son of mine that did something like this with a woman and they'd be getting a good talk about respect for other people, boundaries and consent. It's not ok in my book.

OP stay away from her for her own good, stop thinking with your trousers or that you can rescue her, what's in your trousers wont help her and you cannot rescue her. She'd be far better off alone for a while to sort her head out.

If you can't see that, I think it's because you are thinking about you not her.

I'm so getting "nice guy" vibes from this thread.

@SeahorseSaddle I was coming back to call him a Nice Guy. 🤮

When you get secrets and tears on the first date it's not an 'honour' it can actually be a kind of recognition that she sees as an emotional dump. If you were George Clooney - do you think she's do that? - no - she be charm and lightness personified.

It's confusing because this can of intimacy seems like it means something - it does, but not what you think. This stuff should come later once you know you like each other on a respectful lighter level.

In future, be nice, respectful, interested. But keep your boundaries tight till you know. There are all sorts of vampires out there.

@SeahorseSaddle

No one apart from me seems to have commented on her feeling so unwell and tired "from drink" that the woman had to stay... but even though she initially told you she wasn't over ex and nothing would happen, she drank a lot(?)/enough to make her inhibitions lower and you thought it was still ok to do "stuff" with her?

Not sure that's actually as ok as you think, she sounds like a very confused and vulnerable person and it would be very easy to accidentally take advantage - which imo I think happened, you weren't thinking of her best interests when you were fooling around were you really?

I'd say don't see her again because you don't want to take advantage of someone who may be very confused and in a place where they could easily be doing stuff, especially with a few drinks in them, that really they wouldn't necessarily be comfortable with sober (i.e: a bit vulnerable just now).

When she was crying and telling you her "secrets" on the first date did it not occur to you that this may be someone who is fragile and maybe not in the best place for a relationship let alone something physical?

Maybe her confusion is why she seems to be giving mixed messages no?

Or maybe she's one of the millions of us women who intentionally set out to cow the menz with our master plan and manipulations on purpose? - obviously I'm being sarcastic

Good answer right here

@SeahorseSaddle

I'm so getting "nice guy" vibes from this thread.

Me too. Sounds very much like my very angry and desperate man friend who is frequently walked over by women and is often actually ranting 'but I'm a nice guy why don't they want me?'

As I said before, I get the strong impression OP will do whatever he sees fit no matter what we write! Am I right OP?

‘Boys only want love if it’s torture. Don’t say I — say I didn’t warn you (OP!)’

She sounds toxic. First time maybe forgivable but twice mess you around like that? You've seen each other twice and there is already so much drama! When I haven't been sure if I wanted anything more with someone I've either not progressed it or made sure I didn't lead anyone on.

Op. What have your other relationships been like, do you recognise a pattern here. A push pull one ?
I know you probably don’t want to listen to reason at the moment, because you like this woman, but I would recommend the book ‘attached’ is very good at explaining what’s happening here.
I don’t mean to be disrespectful and I certainly don’t think you have crossed any boundaries, unlike some of the other posters on this thread, but it sounds like you may have to do a bit of work on yourself to understand why you are attracted to someone that is fucking with your head like this.

Famousforwrongreason.
You can equally meet female martyrs with the same attitude.
Why not give some constructive help, instead of just attacking him because he’s male.

@SeahorseSaddle

I'm so getting "nice guy" vibes from this thread.

Weird, I read OP as just "female" rather than a "nice guy". Went back and checked and can't see anywhere that OP has stated their sex.

Curious, OP - are you male or female?

Agree with PPs that I also don't know if the OP is male or female and read them as female.

Anyway, OP, healthy relationships do not involve mixed messages or all this emotion, especially so early on, and it sounds like either she's playing you or is too vulnerable to make good decisions. Either way I suspect if you carry on seeing her there will be a lot of angst and it won't be pretty. I suggest not seeing her again, not keeping in contact, and blocking her.

I am male yes. Though if I seem female I'll take the compliment. Haha.

New turn of events. She is very interested romantically now...
All I did was flirt a little. I think perhaps I was too much of a gent before, letting her lead.

That probably makes her seem more crazy

You’re not coming across well on this thread.

Squirrel.
My ten year marriage ended last year. She was very demanding and quite controlling.

All I did was flirt a little. I think perhaps I was too much of a gent before, letting her lead.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Leave it alone. She's using you to boost her ego after her break up. So many red flags.

@Loodibo

I am male yes. Though if I seem female I'll take the compliment. Haha.

New turn of events. She is very interested romantically now...
All I did was flirt a little. I think perhaps I was too much of a gent before, letting her lead.

I'm assuming you're just on a wind up now. This is pathetic.

This should read "mixed messages from everybody"...... a relationship is NOT supposed to begin as one long fucked up mess. But maybe the two of you have met your match.

@Loodibo

I'm pretty sure you're having us on!

Me too.