If a man isn't just a ****

[HGKPG]

Seriously...if a man isn't just being seen as a knob.. And genuinely has something underlying or wrong with them how many of you see this and how many of you would just move on?
I'm genuinely interested as see so many posts saying 'he's not into you' he's selfish'.. But 'if' there is a reason, how many of you would try and help?
I'm pretty sure my ex has a dissmisive attatchment and I feel the need to support and help him rather than think he's the negative and walk away from what is a majority great relationship.. As quite frankly how many are perfect?!
I've chatted to many friends about this and it's hit most of them thinking and changing their perceptions on not only relationship problms but themsleves too.

What exactly do you mean op?

There’s a line.
There’s a line between being a “carer”, an enabler and a doormat.

Probably need a lot more detail to be able to answer this. Examples of behaviour? What does he want currently?

It’s not your job to fix his attachment issues. He has to do that on his own.

"I'm pretty sure my ex has a dissmisive attatchment and I feel the need to support and help him rather than think he's the negative and walk away from what is a majority great relationship.. As quite frankly how many are perfect?!"

He is your ex for good reason and he needs to remain so as well. I also doubt very much your relationship with him was a "great relationship" either. Such men tend to further erode their target's already poor boundaries and self worth.

Why do you feel such a need to support and help him?. That is more about you and your need to be needed. Where did all that come from (parental influence, mother perhaps) and who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. Why are his supposed needs here seemingly more important than yours?.

Love your own self for a change.

You clearly never got the memo either that a person cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship yet here you are trying to be both. He does not want your help or support; besides which what can you do anyway to help him?. Why do you at all think he has dismissive attachment, is this something you've recently read about and applied that to him?. You've been too close to him to be of any real use to him here not that he wants your help or support in any case.

It would be helpful if you explain the situation.

But I wouldn't recommend to anyone that they go into a relationship trying to get someone else to change, or as a rescuer. Therapy is for therapists. Relationships are not a cure.

You can't "fix" another person by loving them.

If a man is treating a woman badly because he has a disorder of some kind, rather than because he's just being an asshole, then he needs to seek medical help or therapy from a licenced practitioner. The woman in question should walk away in either case, as the pain and damage he causes her is the same no matter what the reason. Women are not rehab centres for damaged men.

'Dismissive Attachment' isn't a recognised disorder, it's self indulgent, social media generation, attention seeking bullshit.

Your ex sounds dull, unpleasant and tedious.

Move on.

Its not my job to fix what some bloke i met on tinder's got.

Men should fix/help/sort out themselves, and so should women for that matter.

There’s a line. There’s a line between being a “carer”, an enabler and a doormat

Agree with this. What's he doing for himself to not to treat you badly? Anything?

I had an ex that was very emotionally closed off, it was from his childhood but he did nothing to help himself. It affected me and I ended up going without affection and convincing myself that was ok. No, it wasnt ok for me. I'm with someone very loving and affectionate now and don't regret leaving to find happiness for myself

Going into any relationship hoping to change the other person is a recipe for disaster. Change has to come from the individual, it can’t be forced. Yes you can be supportive of things, but as crosser62 said, there is a line.

Dh has suffered with anxiety at times. He didn’t take that out on me or make me feel awful, but it did cause additional problems in our lives. He sought therapy and medication - I wasn’t involved in pushing him or facilitating it, though I was there to support him. He acknowledged when his issues affected us both.

But our relationship would have been very different if there was an expectation for me to put up with things and excuse bad behaviour due to his issues, or if there had been pressure on me to “fix him”. I’ve been in a relationship like that and just because with hindsight I can see a personality disorder, and understand where it came from and how it affected him, that doesn’t mean we would ever be compatible in any way. He had no intention of changing, but would have been happy for me to make excuses for him forever no matter how miserable it made me.

You cannot change a person, you can only change how you react to them, and sometimes walking away is the right thing for everyone involved.

"I'm pretty sure my ex has dismissive attachment," "I feel the need to help and support him". Unless this guy has been diagnosed by a professional l therapist and is seeking help there is absolutely nothing you can do to save him. I've seen to many woman losing themselves trying to love a man better. And not one single time has it worked. Everyone has end up heartbroken, angry and confused

Wow OK.. Didn't expect that but here goes!!

OK.. So yes an ex.. My choice. Not because I felt there was anything 'wrong' with him at all. Couldn't fault him apart from 1 thing.. The part where they can't see past a certain point due to feeling like it will all go wrong.
I'm a very strong person, hence ending things.. I can see the harm it does and know my self worth. It doesn't mean though I can't care and worry about him.
I'm sure some people can walk away and just think 'ah good luck to the next person' but I can't. He was different. I've had a few relationships, been married etc.. Like to think I can see when things genuinely aren't right.
I also know I have flaws and he helped and supported me.. Why can't it be the other way round?!
Our issue by the way was nothing to do with us, we just weren't able to progress due to our current commitments.

I finally (like after 30 years 🤦🏼‍♀️) worked out that XH had ADHD plus other problems caused by emotional neglect as a child. It was then that I dumped him, despite loving him. Love was not enough and there was nothing in trying to save him for me, it had turned me in to a shadow of my former self. We are still friends and take a benevolent interest in each other but walking away was the best decision I ever made. Don’t be tempted for any more seconds. Live YOUR life.

It sounds like you're making excuses for him treating you badly. Don't do that.

I give you full permission not to put your needs aside to save him, and I hope you get therapy to help with your saviour complex.

I don't consider it a woman's role to fix a man

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a negative view of others. ... They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships.

If this is what you think he is, then changing him isn't for his sake, it's for yours and you'll be shit out of luck with it.

Because life is too short and the odds of you being able to fix someone through the power of love is low.

Also just wanted to throw in he never treated me badly. I'm also not thinking I can 'change' him nor do I want to.. I just feel its very hard for them and men seem to always get a bashing.

A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a negative view of others

An arrogant shithead then who treats women like crap. Good luck with that.

On the relationships board you tend to read about arseholes. I don’t post about how nice my dh is because I don’t have a problem with him. Men don’t get a bad press here, arseholes do.

Women shouldn’t waste their time on arseholes.

Why is it always a woman's job to fix a broken man .

Exactly what "flaws" has he "helped and supported" you with op? We're they flaws you recognised before, or ones he pointed out to you (possibly as a counter for flaws you were pointing out to him?) If the situation is truly analogous and you're treating him badly due to issues you can't control, then he should follow the same advice we've given you and walk away until you fix yourself. It's no ones job to be anyone else's support human.

You can't save him.

Save yourself.