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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If a man isn't just a ****

75 replies

HGKPG · 25/07/2020 08:41

Seriously...if a man isn't just being seen as a knob.. And genuinely has something underlying or wrong with them how many of you see this and how many of you would just move on?
I'm genuinely interested as see so many posts saying 'he's not into you' he's selfish'.. But 'if' there is a reason, how many of you would try and help?
I'm pretty sure my ex has a dissmisive attatchment and I feel the need to support and help him rather than think he's the negative and walk away from what is a majority great relationship.. As quite frankly how many are perfect?!
I've chatted to many friends about this and it's hit most of them thinking and changing their perceptions on not only relationship problms but themsleves too.

OP posts:
HGKPG · 25/07/2020 10:31

Category very true and although he was amazing, I can see why his last relationships didn't work out

OP posts:
namechange12a · 25/07/2020 10:32

I didn't post to try and 'change' anyone's views nor do I think I can 'change' my ex.

Okkaaaay.

AnyFucker · 25/07/2020 10:39

I didn't post to try and 'change' anyone's views nor do I think I can 'change' my ex

Pants on fire.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 25/07/2020 12:37

I agree with SoulofanAggron. Having worked professionally with people with attachment disorders, they are indeed very very real. Having an actual diagnosed attachment disorder is, however, completely different to reading some random blog and deciding you have x, y, z "attachment style". The latter seems most commonly to be used as an excuse to be a twat, or to give a free pass to a twat. It's similar to people who do those personality tests and say "oh it wasn't my fault I never called you back, I'm just such an ISWJwhatever personality type". See also women who dismiss their male partners shitty behaviour using the concept of "love languages". I think the love languages concept has some value in some cases, but I've seen so many posts on here recently saying things like "it's not that he's a selfish boyfriend who doesn't really love me, it's just that my love language is doing all the housework, cooking, and providing sex on tap, and his love language is to occasionally put the bins out whilst being otherwise completely emotionally unavailable and self centred." Women need to stop using pop psychology to minimise and excuse shitty behaviour in their relationships.

HGKPG · 25/07/2020 14:12

By grab, agreed but I haven't put on here he's been selfish..?!

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 25/07/2020 14:22

I think Grab was just using that as an example others might do.

Yours, basically, was a commitment phobe or 'just not that into you.' You could use Occam's Razor en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Occam%27s_razor and say does it require anything other than him just being a commitment phobe/not that into you to explain his behaviour? No.

Gatehouse77 · 25/07/2020 14:43

There’s aspects of DH’s behaviour that would have some people questioning our relationship. Taken out of context or based on a snapshot of our lives there could be some truth in it.
However, he has had mental health issues and has clear Asperger’s traits. We’ve worked through these (and continue to with some) and come out the other side.
It’s one of the reasons I’m very cautious about what I say on here because it’s so difficult to give the full picture and sometimes things just piss me off but, overall, it’s fleeting.

SoulofanAggron · 25/07/2020 14:46

@Gatehouse77 Thing is, your DH acknowledges that his behaviour could be better and works on it. The average bloke will not be doing that.

Gatehouse77 · 25/07/2020 14:54

@ SoulofanAggron

Very true and it did take a period of separation for him to understand that it was he who had to put into practise the strategies to manage his behaviour and all I could do was support it.
I’m also very aware that, unlike many males, he will openly talk about emotions and the struggles he has/had.

BertiesLanding · 25/07/2020 15:10

@HGKPG

Berties.. Nothing! I ended things not the other way around. I know my flaws and am not afraid to address and work on them.
No one knows all of their flaws, OP.
rvby · 25/07/2020 15:42

Attachment style isnt a flaw though. It's a style. He just needs a partner who works with his style...

The thing is, its massively disrespectful to a person to get with them, and then try to change them.

If they want to change, then they change themselves.

Changing "for" or even "with the help of" another person, that never ends the way people think. It is usually wine and roses for a few years, then the energy runs out, the person reverts back, and starts grumbling about how they have been manipulated and nagged.

How long did you know this guy? Because I married a "project" sort of man, the type who needed renovations and who asked for them. After we had a baby, he completely changed his tune and rewrote history that I was a controlling harpy. When in fact all the decisions and changes he had taken had been his own. My crime was supporting him and praising his changes... that was 11 years of my life that I will never get back.

I think the thing to remember is that relationships don't need to be this huge source of change/work/slogging through "issues". There was 3.5 billion males in this world. Women do not need to take on fixer uppers. When they do, they need to ask themselves why they equate love with labour... love can be very simple and rejuvenating.

And men who present themselves as fixer uppers are also caught in a silly belief system. They're frequently very manipulative and demanding, often not consciously, but still in a way that is so destructive to themselves and others. And THEY are in charge of that - not women.

RLEOM · 25/07/2020 16:26

My ex was/is a porn addict which makes him a bit of a dirty rat, but he can't help it. I gently approached the subject with him, he became defensive. I tried to support him but he didn't want to even recognise he had a problem. We separated shortly after and now co-parent.

Tlollj · 25/07/2020 17:55

Who cares he’s your ex.
You split for a reason move on.
I never understand why some women tie themselves in knots trying to figure out an ex.

DianaT1969 · 25/07/2020 20:06

One thing I'm sure of. He's not spending the same amount of time and energy thinking about you OP.

ChristmasFluff · 25/07/2020 20:11

You know, if your relationship was great, you wouldn't be posting here, OP.

If you want a partner, then move on from this man.

If you want a (never-ending) project, stay in the relationship.

But if you do, spend at least as much time looking at why you are making that choice as you do in researching how to help him.

He is not your responsiblity. You are. Be more curious about you.

Tlollj · 25/07/2020 21:09

Too true@DianaT1969 well said.

HGKPG · 25/07/2020 22:15

Thanks for the replies.
Sorry to not address individually.
I've known him nearly 4 years. We've fallen out before.. He will tell me that he was upset did worry/think.. But he didn't know how to deal with it.. A trait of a dismissive.
I'm not trying to 'fix' him as I said before. Like someone said if you can work along side great, of not move on. I'm just posting out of interest for opinions on how others deal with relationships. There are as posters have said many threads with so called useless men on.. They aren't just ending their relationships?! I'm just asking for opinions not a grilling!!

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 25/07/2020 22:30

Sadly OP they only serve grillings on the RL board if you are in any way empathetic to the fact that men are human too. I regularly get piled on because of it Confused you sound like a great person just trying to figure stuff out to me. If you went off MN RL board you'd believe all men are implicitly evil but as another poster said, I don't post about DH because he's 95% of the time completely ace. We rarely hear about the good ones and that's understandable however you'll get no support here unless you concur that you're ex was a complete knob and that you're a knob for trying to be caring towards his weaknesses.

user1481840227 · 25/07/2020 22:56

OP, on here most women have been there and done that and then often get to the point where they'd rather stay single or move on rather than try to fix or help another man again.

Many women have come out of abusive or traumatic relationships, sometimes a series of them...I think it's the default action of women to try to support, fix or help men with any kind of issues, often to the detriment of themselves.....so the women who no longer want to 'help' normally after a lot of time has passed, and they've had to do a lot of healing shouldn't be made to feel guilty about that.

user1481840227 · 25/07/2020 23:02

I just feel its very hard for them and men seem to always get a bashing

They might get a bashing on threads on forums where women ask for advice and everyone says to leave him because he won't change and can add their own examples as to how the behaviour might escalate or mess up their lives.

But in real life these men get millions of chances, normally treat lots of women the same way, don't seek outside help and generally it's not hard out there for them at all!

HGKPG · 27/07/2020 10:21

Thanks for your replies.

I understand what you're all saying and know I won't hear from him again and need to accept that it wasn't meant to be. It feels so sad not only for me but for him too. Feels like a waste of a good man.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 27/07/2020 13:28

If he genuinely has attachment issues then it is his job to find someone who is happy with the way he acts within a relationship. If hypothetically his style causes him continues issues in relationships, return it will be down to him to pinpoint that and work put his issues himself. This could take many years and possibly the help of a counsellor. It is not your job to help or fix.
Perhaps if you were to become friends, a supportive, friendly ear wouldn't hurt, but certainly not too much investment, as then the relationship becomes unbalanced and unfair.
I used to be like you.
I've since realised that relationships should not be that difficult and my need to fix was actually quite selfish. Not consciously as I always had good intentions, but the idea that I could fix a man ultimately meant that I would be creating him as something I wanted him to be. This simply isn't fair and results in resentment on both sides.

HGKPG · 27/07/2020 22:40

Agreed. What's hard is with this style is they go on seeing what you want.. Agree.. Broach and then string you along.. You get cross, they detach and round you go.
'if' he found someone like him he still wouldn't be happy as he's searching for something he will never be happy to commit to. It's just sad as he's amazing to be around

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roo2018 · 27/07/2020 23:17

OP did you mean avoidant attachment style? Haven’t heard of dismissive and I’ve studied attachment theory, contrary to what a PP said, attachment theory is recognised, it was developed in the 30’s, not a social media craze.

OP to get back to your question, attachment styles can change. But the person has to recognise they’re the problem in the relationship and get therapy. It worked for me. I’m now a secure attachment style going from a mix of disorganised/anxious and avoidant. It was quite a mix, but doable.

HGKPG · 28/07/2020 07:35

Roo hi. Its called 'dissmissive avoidant' or so I read about and it accounts for a lot of things I gave a seconds query to at the time but it didn't bother me as such.

You're right, he needs to work on himself or its pointless. I have a sinking feeling he won't. I can't belive the amount of stuff we've don't together is just finished. This is one of the hardest break ups I've been through because it's mentally confusing to understand.

OP posts:
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