My husband has left days before my due date...

[FirstTimeMum1991]

Hi everyone, I have posted on here a few times throughout my pregnancy and always received such wonderful support that I’m back again today. My husband has had an affair which has lasted (and ruined) my entire pregnancy. I take responsibility in the fact that I have been so desperate for him to “change” and prove everyone wrong that at times I have turned a blind eye and tried to tell myself that he will wake up and see what he is doing and what he has to lose. Of course it never happened and this morning I caught him in contact with her again. She knows all about me and my baby. I do not just blame her, I blame both of them. I just feel utterly broken. My baby is due on Monday. And I just don’t know where I am going to find the strength over the next few days to get through this huge stage in life where I saw him next to me. I know it’s not about me but you can’t help but feel, why her? What does she bring that I didn’t? Sorry for rambling on, I just don’t even know what to do with myself. Luckily I am with my parents who are amazing and I won’t be alone at any stage, I’m just scared how I am going to cope. Thanks everyone.

What a cunt he is. You will survive this although it is a big shock. I had dd alone although i had 9 months to prepare.

Jesus OP what an awful man your husband is. It’s great you have support from your parents and you will get through this.

In some ways it may actually be easier without him as you won’t be worrying about what he’s up to all the time. I’d be grateful you’ve now got a clean break from him and he can’t ruin any of your precious new baby time although make sure he’s paying his share and giving you breaks as soon as you feel ready for him to lend a hand

You've got this OP 💪 you don't need a man like him ruining even a second with your new baby.
You will get there x

What a prick. You got this OP!

Darling. Trust me. You don't need him. Once your little one arrives, then you'll see love. And you will be all the baby needs too. It will be hard, but you can do this. I promise you xxx

What a total prick. As others have said, you've got this OP. You'll probably find it easier without him if he's dicking about. He's a total scumbag and it sounds like they deserve each other. Good luck with your baby and the birth x

Absolutely nothing anyone says can make you rep better right now but know these 2 things.

You are absolutely worth more than this.

You got this! You will absolutely smash being a mama to your wee one, don’t fear.

Your post made me so sad, my dad was an adulterer and my mum stayed for years and years and took the hurt each time until one day she told him not to come back. I know myself and my sisters are proud of her for finding that strength. Your baby will be proud of you one day too.

Take care of you and let those who love you take care of you right now xx

Feel not rep!

And to reiterate what pp said, what a selfish, useless bastard!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this
In practical terms, you need to register the birth before he does if you don’t want your baby to take his surname. Because you are married, he will automatically have parental responsibility so can make eg medical decisions on behalf of your baby. I know it is a ludicrously remote possibility but discuss with your midwife/ consultant what treatment (eg vit K jab) you agree to and put that in writing before you go into labour so that if you’re not in a fit state to discuss it at the time because you’ve had lots of meds for a c section for eg, they know what your wishes are.
I’d be inclined to have a meeting with a good family lawyer as soon as you can - you’ll probably be able to get a phone consultation. The gingerbread website is also helpful.
Get yourself into mother tiger mode and be fierce. Good luck x

How appalling. You'll survive this, OP, you'll be ok in time, and you'll eventually come to see that you've not lost a man, you've won freedom from a total wrecking ball of a pillock ... but what an absolutely shocking and appalling time for you now. Nothing but sympathy 💐💐💐

You are worth so much more than a man who sinks so low. I’m not sure how the ow can ever feel comfortable with a man who cheats in his pregnant wife.

You will cope. Take it day by day, hour by hour.
My h left me for ow (I had 18 weeks to prepare though). I just focused on me and baby, when he started messing me around I set very strict rules about communication, about baby being priority and if he didn't stick to them I asked him to go through a family member to communicate.
Focus on practical things.
What you need now is least stress so don't make any major decisions till your ready.
Its not what you planned but you can do it. Try not to dwell on the way it should have been and concentrate on your new life and making the best of things for you and baby.
I refused to have my h in delivery room with me as I didn't want the stress - it was the right decision for me.
I always made sure that h could have a relationship with his dc which he did for 18 months till he got ow pregnant and it slowly stopped. I get no cm and ds doesn't see his father at all. However h lost out not us ds is now 16 and a lovely young man with a bright future ahead I'm very lucky to have a great relationship with him. Focus on your relationship with dc and enjoy your time together. If your h wants a relationship with dc then facilitate but protect yourself.

In practical terms, you need to register the birth before he does if you don’t want your baby to take his surname

This is excellent advice. As your husband, he has the legal right to register the birth alone.

I wouldnt tell him you're in labour - he has zero right to know or be there. It's your medical procedure on your body, which no longer has the foggiest to do with him.

Tell him once baby is already registered with your surname.

I seriously doubt it's about what she's got that you don't, I doubt it's much to do with her personally, just that she was,/is an escape from responsibility.

Of course he may just end up in the same "tied down", responsible position with her after a while too, a c it will be v interesting to see how that goes. No doubt there will be a good front put in because both of them will have to "prove" their relationship is special and not him running away from responsibility, and her being used as a distraction/someone to run with .... But what goes on behind the front will be something else.

*put on

You're going to be absolutely fine OP. In a few days time you'll look at your new baby and wonder how on earth your shitty ex could choose to be such a prick rather than experience the love and wonder of time with his newborn child.

I agree with the pp who said not to have him there. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't tell him I was in labour. A simple text to say 'baby x arrived safely on x and all is well' once you're home will suffice.

Don't be pushed into seeing him soon after the birth either, the hormones will hit you like a truck on day 4 so I'd avoid any confrontation where possible.

It's great that your parents are supporting you.

Lots of registrars are only just opening up again so you might find you need to book an appointment to register baby (and defo do it without exh).

Good luck OP, you're so much better off without him & without the worry of where he is/what he's doing whilst caring for a newborn x

Think of yourself and what you need now. It is only by doing this that you can provide for your baby's needs.

You need good food, good rest, and time out when you get the chance for your mental health.

You will no doubt be urged to think of the needs/rights/wants of your former husband and put in terms of the child's needs. It is not your problem. The child needs you. Stay strong .

the hormones will hit you like a truck on day 4 so I'd avoid any confrontation where possible.

Oh yes - I remember this well. Be prepared and all that xxx

What a horrible thing for him to do.

Don't you have to take something from the hospital nowadays when you register the birth? He couldn't just rock up and do it without any documents, surely?

I wouldn't tell him when I was in labour, wouldn't let him be there for the birth and wouldn't tell him the baby was born until I was ready to.

Lots of registrars are only just opening up again so you might find you need to book an appointment to register baby (and defo do it without exh).
Do not tell him when the baby's been born. Tell those closest to you not to put anything on their social media until after you've registered the birth - do that as soon as possible. Remember to take suitable ID and requested information/paperwork.

www.gov.uk/register-birth

Will your mum come in with you when you are giving birth? Let the midwife know that nobody else is allowed to be in the room with you - he has no automatic right, but might choose to turn up if he knows you've gone into labour.

Apply for any benefits as soon as you can after the birth. www.entitledto.co.uk

Good luck OP - and yes you can do this!🌹

You can do this.

I agree with not telling him you are in labour and registering the birth without him knowing, with the name you choose.

Do you have your birth partner sorted? Because this is the person you need in your life right now, not your DH.

And don't let anyone tell you the OW hasn't done anything wrong. If she knows the situation and hasn't stepped away she is despicable.

@yellowsunset What an unhelpful and unkind thing to say.

I don't have much to add to what everyone else has advised OP, agree it makes sense not to tell him anything until you've got settled after giving birth (at least a few days). Glad you have your parents' support

She didn't yellow it is her husbands child that not any old man.

Op this exact same thing happened to one of my best friends.

She found out a month before her baby was born.

She has been through it and come
Out the other side. There is so much good advice on here and he is a cunt.

You will get through it. You will. You have absolutely got this.

There will probably be a day he tries to get back with you once the newness of his affair relationship has gone.

The other women has gotten a cheating prick who did all of this at your most vulnerable point. She will never be able to trust him fully. If he did it to you carrying his child he will do it to her.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I hope you are ok.

What an absolute dick he is.

It will be hard emotionally but get your finances sorted. Get him out of your life as much as you can.

Revert to your maiden name, call the baby your maiden name and start divorce proceedings.

It's not what you planned but it is what you have to plan now for your and your baby.

Xxx

@FirstTimeMum1991
This was me 25 years ago and you have your families support which I didnt have, so you are lucky. Concentrate on the baby and you wont have time to think about him whichis good. You cannot make him return - It took until 6 months after the birth and it struck me hard one day when I just thought Im not taking this shit anymore. I told him to 'Get on with your GF and leave me alone. You have your son every other weekend and pay your dues.' God, you have to be firm or he will always have a hold on you.

I went back to education and got a good job. My children are thriving and he is, well, a little bit sad even though he married [badly] again. He still wishes he had never done it, but I could never forget what he had done. I couldn't ever had got back with him

Be strong. Rely on friends. And get a good lawyer. Get a place of your own and own the world
(((hugs)))