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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kids saw porn...again!!!

62 replies

fruitduet · 30/09/2007 15:11

ANyone remember this Jan 2006 thread ? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/138879

well it happened again last night!
we were all sat in the living room dc's and me and dp and dp was trying to put a film on, our tv is computer too, so he was opening film in windows media player but accidentally hit something in the history of windows media player and then the tv was filled with sex moans and a couple having HARDOCORE sex and another women licking the arse of the bloke!!!!!!!

last time my kids saw porn was the last straw and i told dp that if anything like that ever happened again i would leave for good! he promised faithfully that he would 1, never download porn to his computer again and 2, to never watch any porn on our TV.

i have told him to leave last night and he said he would but today he is just carrying on as normal and pretending nothing happened- what do i do?

OP posts:
goingfor3 · 30/09/2007 15:15

I would go insane if my children saw anything like that. I really can't help you but umagine that you must be fuming.

TheMuppetMuggle · 30/09/2007 15:16

I would be absolutely fuming, and so much so i'd stick to my word and chuck him out.

Can't imagine what you are going through

madamez · 30/09/2007 15:36

Is he a neglectful dimwit in other ways? If he;'s the sort of bloke who routinely forgets where his keys are/is quite capable of sending DCs to school in their pyjamas/never pays bills and wonders why things get cut off, then he's one of these adults who is just a total liability (and that would annoy me far more than the porn). Basically, in some families something like this would become a hilarious family legend in later years (sorry but the occasional 3 second glimpse of cocks and fannies is not really that horribly traumatic for the average kid, unless a huge big fuss is made about it). Do you want him to leave in general because he's lazy and selfish and doesn;'t listen to you? Or is he a good dad and nice bloke who just happens to like porn?

tissy · 30/09/2007 15:38

get him a laptop?

Original poster
fruitduet · 30/09/2007 16:09

he has a laptop and a desktop pc yet he still chose to watch porn on the tv computer! he's a bit derrr but not a complete liability type of bloke, so do you think i'm over reacting?
ds is coming up to puberty and has done sex education in school, and the thought of him seeing this makes me horrified that he now thinks this is how you have sex. i am trying to teach him that sex is part of a relationship etc
anyway, i can't keep forgiving him as it always happens again and again.

OP posts:
InMyHumbleOpinion · 30/09/2007 16:10

well, you need to make him leave, don't you! You can't make threats and not carry them oput, he'll carry on doing as he pleases!

InMyHumbleOpinion · 30/09/2007 16:12

the issue isn't really the porn, though, it's the broken promise

MamaMaiasaura · 30/09/2007 16:27

i dnot think him leaving is the answer. Perhaps not having the tv as the computer would stop this happening.

I do sympathise as dp has watched/downloaded porn on his computer and I completely blasted him about it. Basically issues went a bit deeper and dp was clinging ot bachelerdom.

Anyway, that aside, it wasnt deliberate that your kids saw it. How would kids feel if daddy had to leave over this? Is this the only problem atm or isnt the straw that broke the camles back?

kidsrus · 30/09/2007 16:29

accidently wipe all the porn off the computer or wipe the computer completely.
we can all accidenly press the wrong button whoooooooooooooooops

Elizabetth · 30/09/2007 16:33

Allowing children to see pornography is regarded as child sexual abuse. It is very serious and has serious consequences for children that are exposed. Children aren't equipped to process the imagery or the feelings that seeing it may engender.

You could get him to leave for a limited period, maybe a couple of weeks or a month to give you a breathing space for the two of you to discuss your relationship and the selfish lack of care he is showing towards your child.

madamez · 30/09/2007 21:17

Elizabetth that is a completely ridiculous over-reaction. Children inadvertently catching a glimpse of porn is no more abuse than children inadvertently catching a glimpse of their parents having sex.
I would agree with you that there was a serious problem if there was any suggestion that fruitduet's DP was deliberately showing porn to the children, which would be very worrying (just like it would be worrying for parents to deliberately have sex in front of their children).

Fruitduet I think you might well be justified in wiping any porn from shared computers, etc, and insisting that your DP keeps his chosen material confined to his own gizmos - tell him that any material straying into shared areas or onto the telly etc will be disposed of. Though this may have the effect of making you feel more like his mother than his partner (kids who leave their toys on the floor get them binned, etc)
The issue does seem to be his carelessness/selfishness rather than the choice of material. An individual whose spare time/ enjoyment is devoted to, say, animal rights or horror films might equally be expected to keep his/her viewing materials away from children who might be distressed by seeing them. (Most children would probably be far more upset by a graphic anti-vivisection image than a naked adult body or even a fleeting glimpse onscreen of an erect penis).

MamaMaiasaura · 30/09/2007 21:21

good post madamez

Original poster
fruitduet · 30/09/2007 22:28

i see your point but this is not the first time!
i told him the first,second and third time that that was enough and if he used porn it must never be anywhere near shared computers.

i could delete everything but he would just download more, i can't go through every computer on a daily basis looking for porn to delete just in case.

and its the fact that its the last straw, if it was the first time i would have forgiven him and put it down to experience but this is about the fourth or fifth time over 5 years that my kids have been exposed to porn! last time it happened i said that if it happened again it would be over, if i forgave this again, i would be a mug that forgave anything!

my instincts were grumbling at me about this relationship for a while but now they're screaming.

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 30/09/2007 22:37

An over-reaction?????? This wasn't a naked body or an erect penis they saw, it was hardcore porn - and Elizabeth is quite right when she says that children should not be subjected to that, be it accidental or otherwise.
Personally I find the whole idea of hardcore porn being stored on a family TV highly questionnable - presumably the man has a brain (albeit, by the sounds of it a small one) - could he not work out that the chances of the children seeing were not beyond the realms of possibility?

I'd second the suggestion of asking him to move out for a while, giving you time to decide rationally, quietly and slowly how you want to deal with his behaviour.

SKerryMum · 30/09/2007 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elizabetth · 30/09/2007 22:48

"Elizabetth that is a completely ridiculous over-reaction. Children inadvertently catching a glimpse of porn is no more abuse than children inadvertently catching a glimpse of their parents having sex.
I would agree with you that there was a serious problem if there was any suggestion that fruitduet's DP was deliberately showing porn to the children, which would be very worrying (just like it would be worrying for parents to deliberately have sex in front of their children). "

No Madamez it isn't an overreaction. It's neglect, sexually abusive neglect, leaving hardcore porn available where children can see it. One mistake might be understandable as long as he took precautions so it didn't happen again but he clearly hasn't and it has happened again.

It's disturbing that he hasn't thought through the implications.

Jenkeywoo · 30/09/2007 22:49

My dad watched hard-core porn when we were around as kids and mum was working nights - we should have been in bed but he was too darned lazy to do anything about it so we saw all sorts of awful stuff. As an adult my sisters and I still feel disturbed and upset by it. I would also say that too a degree it affected our early sexual relationships as we believed that it was normal for women to be subjugated by their men. I wish my mum had known about it so she could have done something (years later they got divorced but for some reason we didn't tell mum at the time).

A difficult situation for me and your children, I hope you are able to make a decision that is right for your family.

Elizabetth · 30/09/2007 22:51

"(Most children would probably be far more upset by a graphic anti-vivisection image than a naked adult body or even a fleeting glimpse onscreen of an erect penis)."

I'd be interested to hear where you get this claim from.

Children who have been exposed to pornography can show the same symptoms as children who have been directly sexually abused.

KaySamuels · 30/09/2007 22:51

I agree with elizabetth and jenkywoos posts. This will stick in their minds, once is a mistake, twice is not.

madamez · 30/09/2007 22:57

Fruitduet: it does sound like he's generally careless and thoughtless around the rest of the family, which is not on. Is he selfish about use of the tv/computer as a matter of course (he always gets to choose what's on, he interrupts whatever other people are watching to view his choice of programme) or childish and inconsiderate about things like housework and meals? If it's all stacking up on the negative side then it might well be time to have a look at your legal position: who owns the house/has their name on the tenancy etc.

Oh, and those of you screaming about 'hardcore' porn: what do you actually mean by this term? Particularly people who are not the OP and therefore have no idea what might have been fleetingly displayed on the TV screen but are ismply using the term to suggest some-horror-beyond-imagining?

madamez · 30/09/2007 23:04

Elizabetth: there are degrees of exposure to media, after all. A fleeting accidental gllimpse of a porn DVD is not a big deal: children would barely have time to register what they were seeing. (this in the scenairo suggested by the OP, Tv comes on, glimpse of porn, horrified parent switches off almost at once NOT everybody sit there and discuss the angles necessary for doulbe penetration)A fleeting glimpse of an anti-vivisection picture might not be that distressing either, though parents who are very active in the animal rights movement might well expose their children to distressing imagery on a regular basis... A friend of mine had a religious fuckwit for a mother, who sat my friend (then aged 7) down in front of The Exorcist and told her to watch it carefully and learn what would happen if she didn't say her prayers.

katylui1 · 30/09/2007 23:05

I'm with you JW. Whilst this all may seem like an innocent mistake to some (and I'm sure it was a MISTAKE, I'm not suggesting he did it delibrately) it does affect the kids.
I was exposed, accidentaly, to porn aged 10 and upwards and years later, in therapy, it all came flooding out.
It's difficult enough understanding the complexities of sexual relationships and the earliest experiences should be a whole lot more meaningful than that.
I too hope you can make the right decisions for your family.

Tortington · 30/09/2007 23:09

she did mention "the tv was filled with sex moans and a couple having HARDOCORE sex and another women licking the arse of the bloke!!!!!!! "

int he op - so i think we get the picture - whether you or i consider it hardcore - or the use of the term hardocre is irrelevent quite frankly and pedantry.

this is an issue - its ben an issue before - now its whether this issue is relationship breaking which matters.

i think there are issues about trust and communication - showing not caring and cant be arse and laziness - all factor here - and i rather think that hte best way forward would be to see a councillor.

if this were the only 'issue' in the relationship - i would consider it a tas over doing it to scream divorce.

but i susect it is probably indicative of this guys selfishness and general "i dont really give a shit - stop yer moaning" attitude - in which case - youneed councelling

EricL · 30/09/2007 23:12

Complete lack of respect.

Shocking.

Jenkeywoo · 30/09/2007 23:12

katylui1 - thank you for sharing that. I ended up having a very cathartic and upsetting session of hypnotherapy as I was fed up of low self esteem and particularly the effects of allowing very poor quality men in my life to hurt me - it all came back to the experience of being exposed to pornography as a child. Even glimpses of something like that can have far-reaching consequences.

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