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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Kids saw porn...again!!!

62 replies

fruitduet · 30/09/2007 15:11

ANyone remember this Jan 2006 thread ? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/138879

well it happened again last night!
we were all sat in the living room dc's and me and dp and dp was trying to put a film on, our tv is computer too, so he was opening film in windows media player but accidentally hit something in the history of windows media player and then the tv was filled with sex moans and a couple having HARDOCORE sex and another women licking the arse of the bloke!!!!!!!

last time my kids saw porn was the last straw and i told dp that if anything like that ever happened again i would leave for good! he promised faithfully that he would 1, never download porn to his computer again and 2, to never watch any porn on our TV.

i have told him to leave last night and he said he would but today he is just carrying on as normal and pretending nothing happened- what do i do?

OP posts:
katylui1 · 30/09/2007 23:35

I think the point is it is completely out of context. As a fully grown adult (that has had a lot of therapy!) I can accept all manner of things into my loving relationship with my husband. But a child cannot be expected to differentiate. Glimpses of porn within the home is sending all sorts of mixed messages about sex, family, love e.t.c.

Our culture is to let kids sink or swim where this stuff is concerned. We don't give enough time to teaching them to respect themselves and to understanding the complexities of love and sex.

I am lecturing now I know and fruitduet, I'm sure you won't let this happen to your lo's - after all, you are accepting that its a problem. I just don't think its right to be flippant about it.

Elizabetth · 30/09/2007 23:50

Yeah, group sex and rimming aren't something you want your kid to see, even if it is only for 5 seconds.

I couldn't watch shit like that for 5 seconds (because I was exposed to hardcore porn when I was a kid and because I think porn is abusive to women). It's a disgrace that people think it's OK to leave this stuff in reach of kids.

Saturn74 · 30/09/2007 23:54

Your DH sounds like he has no respect for you or your children.

For it to happen once is atrocious.

Twice is unforgivable.

He has let you all down badly.

I think you would be wise, and perfectly reasonable, to follow through with your request for him to leave, as your children need to be your priority.

Original poster
fruitduet · 01/10/2007 00:04

thats awful jenky, i really need to protect them, when it happened last time the kids didn't understand what they saw so it was easier to forgive but this time they really saw it and knew what it was as even my dd-8 screamed aerrrrhhh in horror and my ds similar reaction.
after hearing these experiences of early porn viewing, i am worried about the kids, i was hoping they would forget it but now i am not so sure.

He is not usually selfish with tv, or inconsiderate with meals, housework etc but the problems in our relationship come from his anger and the way he displines the kids, i think getting angry all the time is a pointless exercise and we have issues about that and a few other things but that is all another story.

He promised he would not do it again last time and he was just saying that to keep me quite he has probably been viewing porn on the tv computer all this time!

he says now he will go and see someone as he's addicted etc he will also never touch porn again etc what bull! i have told him i cannot believe him because its what he promised last time.
I have told him to move out and sort it out and he has said he will but i am in doubt whether he will go or whether i will have to nag him out of the house. all day today he just acted normally like nothing happened and it was me who had to bring it all up again this evening.

i wish we had family nearby then i could have told him to leave straight away but now i have to wait until he can find and afford somewhere to rent!

OP posts:
katylui1 · 01/10/2007 00:08

Good for you FD that you've seen it through - that can't have been easy. Hugs for you.

I know I've gone on a bit about the affect on the kids, but your sending a really positive message by acting on it. Good luck. X

Jenkeywoo · 01/10/2007 14:04

fruitduet - you are such a brave and strong person and a good mum too. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. hugs.

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:06

intentional exposure of children to any sex is an offence

section 12 of the CJA 2003

Max penatly 5 years

donnie · 01/10/2007 14:10

agree with HumphreyCushion completely.

princessmel · 01/10/2007 14:14

deffo agree with HC

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:15

no
i htink there is room to save the marriage
god yo ltowodul tell someone to leave about everything

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:16

liek custy says wiht counselling spelled wrong

ChorusLine · 01/10/2007 14:19

He is not going to rush to find somewhere though is he? He is going to keep watching ntil he leaves...You need to carry out the actions you said you would do....he is addicted and will keep doing it...

I know its easier to say it than do it but think of your children

SKerryMum · 01/10/2007 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessmel · 01/10/2007 14:23

Ok, leave but only for a while. prove a point

Blu · 01/10/2007 14:26

I would tell him about Cods post about Section 12 of the thingy.

Tell him that if the children repeat what they have seen at school then the school will have no option but to record it as a Child Protection issue - children exposed to porn IS a child protection issue under any self-respecting policy.

And that in view of the seriousness of his total lack of respect for you and the children you will only allow him to stay if he makes arrangements to attend counselling for his self-confessed addiction, and also counselling around his complete lack of respect for you in this matter. Give him a deadline to arrange counsellin, to actually make an appointment, not 'find out about it'. (maybe you could find out about it?)

But overall, I think ending your marriage over it at this stage is a bit extreme - unless that is what you really do want to do.

codswallop · 01/10/2007 14:28

adn start takign the piss when you tow sit down to watch tv

and bin the dvds yourself

Tortington · 01/10/2007 21:01

"liek custy says wiht counselling spelled wrong "

FUCK me! pmsl.

SpacePuppy · 01/10/2007 21:13

Oh fuck so what if said dc walk in on you and dh having sex does that also become a child protection issue. I think the issue is that she's had enough of dp and is looking for an excuse to boot him, she could as easily be responsible for the content of the computer files and frankly a communal computer is a shit idea. get a tv.

Dropdeadfred · 01/10/2007 21:18

Is there a particular reaon why he has it on the tv instead of his laptop? or is it as well as?

I think the lack of trust thing is the biggest thing here and the welfare of the children of course.

An addiction of any kind can be an evil thing that takes you over amd you can't see what you're going to lose, or even care that much whilst you are in it's clutches...

He needs help, wether that's whilst still residing at home is your choice...

morningpaper · 01/10/2007 21:23

It would take the average 12 year old about 10 seconds to download porn from the internet

This istuff is "in reach of kids" in every household in the country

gertfatcod · 01/10/2007 21:45

This will not be a popular view butmy dh works in Child Protection so have some experience.....

He has had many pre-trial conferences with families that have 'allowed' children to view porn. It is seen as, and prosecuted as, child abuse resulting in jail terms and the splitting of families.

It is unlawful to allow children to be subject to pornography. Having porn 'by accident' on your pc or tv/pc and having your children relate the incident to any mandatory reporter will not go well.

My dh's professional advice would be to, at the very least, dispose of all methods in your home for your dh to access and store porn. He obviously has no idea of the implications of his actions.

madamez · 01/10/2007 23:40

Gertfatcod, I find this a bit worrying. As the implications are that there should be nothing in a home that children shouldn't have unsupervised access to. Like sharp knives, maybe, or vodka, or matches... are people really prosecuted if their kids get a brief accidental glimpse of a porn mag or dvd? What about if the kids walk in on the parents having sex - is that an arrestable offence as well?

Elizabetth · 01/10/2007 23:54

Well if children are playing with knives, drinking vodka or playing with matches then that is a problem, similarly looking at porn. Also knives and matches at least are something that people need whereas how necessary is porn.

I don't think it's worrying at all that adults are expected to behave responsibly and keep their wank material away from children.

madamez · 02/10/2007 00:23

Elizabetth: no I don't think children should have untrammelled access to knives or vodka either. But what was worrying me was: shouldn't the law or its enforcers make some reasonalb,e sensible distinction between an accidental glimpse and sitting children down and encouraging them to watch unsuitable material?

And, again: if it's illegal to have sex where children can see you, accidental glimpses are not uncommon, should parents refrain from having sex at all? What about all those co-sleepers who want more than one child?

Blu · 02/10/2007 10:40

I don't think anyone is seriously suggesting that just because exposure to porn can be an offence that fruitduet d should dial 999 and expect her DH to be led away in chains. I suggested she tell him of the context of the law so that he does see that there is a serious issue beyond what he doubtless sees as FruitDuet and her endless nagging.

The point is that most people try to keep children 'innocent' of oprn and upfront experinec of sex, whereas FD's DH is making very little effort. Accidental encounters are more likely if you leave it all over the shared tv just as an accident with a knife or vodka is more likely if you leave them on the children's play table, rather than in the drawer or cupboard.

That's the adjustment FD wants her DH to make, as I understand it.

Unless she wants rid anyway.