What would you expect from your other half

[cheeseychovolate]

Hi. We have two children. I work just a few hours at the minute and usually would work 15 hours a week in normal times. My other half works full time earning a good wage and we have a joint account. He plays with the kids and would take them to the park. He doesn't do anything at home, no cooking, no washing, no cleaning no admin. He suffers migraines so lies in bed all day sometimes with one. My situation is getting me down. Should he be helping me or have I got it good?

Thank you for reading.

I’m on the fence with this one. 2 days a week isn’t a lot to work but I don’t know what age your kids are, how hard they are to look after. If he’s genuinely ill then it may not be possible for him to do more (migraines are really bad, I had epilepsy as a child and can tell you it’s not the same as a headache!) Then again he could just be at it. Could he do even a bit more - like bath the kids or bed time routine or something?

Yes of course he should help a bit

You need to decide what you want out of life.
If It's a life as a passive facilitator then carry on as you are.
If it's a life full of what you want, then change it.
You are the architect of your own destiny.
It really is up to you what you decide.

@pallasathena

You need to decide what you want out of life. If It's a life as a passive facilitator then carry on as you are. If it's a life full of what you want, then change it. You are the architect of your own destiny. It really is up to you what you decide.

This is totally true. He’s not going to suddenly do anything unless you ask or demand it of him.

You should have equal downtime.

His illness doesn’t count as downtime, so if he is sick, he is sick and you step up and expect him to do the same for you some day.
When he isn’t sick, he should be doing 50% of the non-work hours child care and housework.

Of course he should 'help', he contributes towards making the mess that needs tidying, he needs clean clothes, he needs to eat so he should contribute towards the smooth running of the household.

Of course he should be stepping up, unless you’re also his mother too.

Thank you for your replies. I need to think how to bring this up with him. I've tried in the past but he thinks it's ok as it is and thinks I can earn less because he earns more and therefore he can do nothing around the house because I work less hours

For reference, my ex-wife was a SAHM. I worked full-time with an hour commute each way.With the kids I...

• Helped get them ready for school
• Did a couple of school drop-offs a week
• Took them off ex-wife's hands the moment I came from work for an hour or two
• Took equal turns doing the various aspects of getting them ready for bed (washes, cleaning teeth, getting dressed, reading bedtime stories).
• Did bulk of hoovering and dusting in the house.
• Equal share of laundry and most of ironing.
• Made their packed lunches.
• Cooked the odd meal (my ex loved cooking so mainly didn't do more as she would have protested!)
• Did bulk of financial admin.
• Did a lot of the gardening too.

My ex-wife still claimed I only did "bits" and her resentment over this was what led to her having the affair that led to our divorce. Maybe she was right. But even my insufficient "bits" were a lot more than what your partner provides now. If I was a neglectful enough partner to be divorced, what does that say about yours?

With my DP I tend to get pissed off when I feel like he’s doing less than he would if he lived alone, and I’m doing more, if that makes sense. I just think what’s the point, life would be easier alone, then I ask him to step up and he usually does.
We have a cleaning rota but I think I ‘see’ mess more and like many men on here he seems happy to watch me do it! I think it’s a socialisation thing-his mum did everything for him. He tries but sometimes I have to remind him.
I think if you’re an adult you should do your share of chores-if he lived alone he’d have to do it all anyway or employ someone.

Just read your second post properly- I sat mine down and told him I would be ending things unless he stepped up and magically he did. I recommend this approach (if that’s how you feel)

I’m a longtime sufferer of migraines so can certainly say yes they are massively dibilitating for me personally . I’m under the care of a neurologist I take medication twice daily to help control them ( several medications , ) plus I have several other therapies to help me deal with the condition .
At some points In past years i have been so low that I e considered no being on the planet would be better than dealing with this . Thankfully I am not in that place now
I think it comes down to how bad his migraines are . Often I hear people complaining they have a migraine whilst simultaneously saying a glass of water will help ( not that hydration is bad but it certainly doesn’t cure migraine ) and doing quite vigorous activity’s . It’s easy to confuse migraine with headache but migraine and headache are actually quite different particularly with the additional symptoms that generally accompany migraine such as vomiting/ nausea sometimes flashing lights , sensitivities to lights and sounds etc
Of course everyone’s experiences varies but I guess at the end of the day what I’m saying is I think the degree to which you can expect help depends on the severity of his situation. Is he medicated ? Under the care of a specialist ? Are they debilitating to the point it’s unreasonable for him to do much else other than pay in bed
It’s hard to say without knowing how his migraines impact him . If that makes sense . I know that I often do things when I should be laying down and make myself worse but by the same token I get frustrated at not being able to get stuff done so it’s a really fine line

Also if he thinks because he earns more that he can do less around the house that’s not on