Daughter addicted to cocaine

[tickertyboo]

Hello

I have a 23 year old daughter who is currently living with her dad. She self harms, drinks to excess and regularly takes cocaine with a group of friends who all do the same.

My daughter and I have had countless discussions about why she does what she does. Two days ago she decided that she was going to try and do something about her addictions. She spoke to a therapist yesterday and is speaking to him again next week.

Today she has been absolutely awful to be around. I am walking on eggshells with her. I'm so down. I know this will pass at some point; either she'll get better or she'll kill herself. Can anybody offer any wise words please?

It sounds like she might be withdrawing? Depending on how heavy her usage is and when she last had it this could be a nasty comedown. If she has been a heavy user I’d encourage her to go to the GP so she’s at least on their radar, I don’t know if there might be something they can prescribe to help. From personal experience I can say cocaine comedown feels like being hit by a truck for several days so she will be grumpy and irritable and feel rough. It’s up to her though, if she wants to kick it she’s got to get through this bit. You sound a lovely mum, sorry it’s so tough

Thank you BadgertheBodger. That is very helpful to know and gives me perspective on the matter. I'm going to keep my distance from her; for her sake and mine.

Has she been diagnosed with anything OP? In my humble, she needs an assessment because self harming and self medication could be due to a number of different mental health diagnoses and she may need medication and a treatment plan. You could contact Rethink for advice and information.

Other useful organisations:

Harmless (self harm support)
Narcotics Anonymous

self medicating not medication

namechange12a, she tells me that she has anxiety all of the time. Two years ago she spoke to a GP who suggested she take antidepressants. She decided that she didn't want to go down that route and tried to deal with it herself through exercise and by taking better care of herself. That seemed to work for a while and then she was back on the drugs and alcohol again.

Thank you for your help, I'll contact those organisations that you suggested.

If she is addicted to cocaine, she will need a solution to take the place of the substances. Therapy is good, but she may also want to look into a 12 step fellowship such as Cocaine Anonymous. A relative of mine got clean and sober through CA years ago. They are running all meetings via Zoom right now, she wouldn't even have to be on camera to just listen in. She may find some identification and support there. I believe NA and AA are doing the same with regards to online meetings. I wish you - and her - all the best. Addiction isn't easy to overcome but it can be done.

If she is “regularly taking cocaine with a group of friends who do the same” is she actually using cocaine daily or is this “at the club or pub” type usage? Is it possible she has been using something else she is withdrawing from here? Either way she likely needs more than talk therapy - she sounds like she is self medicating.

That is helpful to know emmaclare83. I told her that she wouldn't be able to do this on her own. After we've both had some space from one another, I'll suggest Cocaine Anonymous to her. Thank you.

From what I can gather vikingwife is that she is taking cocaine a couple of days a week with a group of friends. She'll go round to their house for a meal then they end up drinking and taking cocaine.

She has other friends who don't do this and I've tried to help her see that these are the friends who really care about her. She is not keen to cut ties with the friends who take drugs because she says she is close to them and she enjoys their company.

I'm just so sick of it. She came over today to spend some time with her brother and she pulled out her phone to show me a photo of her day out with some friends yesterday. In the photo she had a spliff in her hand. I just wish she could find some peace.

It’s so hard at that age, they want to go out & social groups are important. It’s good she has friends outside of this particular group.

If she is experiencing a shift of mood & claims to be addicted it is possible she may be taking cocaine more regularly than a few nights a week. But it is not my drug of choice, though from memory was alarmingly common when I lived in London.

As in I am not speaking from personal experience of being addicted to cocaine.

You sound like a really supportive mum

a spliff and lines of coke are two very different things.

She needs to go to her GP, and try some meds. Tell her if she won't do it for herself, then do it for you.

She might be referred to a drug/alcohol team, or for therapy, or to see a consultant.

The drugs/alcohol are partly self-medication to try and deal with her emotions. But of course it doesn't really work.

I agree they are two very different things. It's just the restlessness in her. She can't even go for a nice walk without having to resort to taking something. I accept that it's her life and she is the one choosing to do these things. As her mother, it is hard to stand by and see her being so self-destructive. A year ago or so, I thought sod it. It's her life, let her get on with it. Today, I don't feel so sure.

Addiction can be a (dysfunctional) coping/soothing strategy for past emotional issues / relationship traumas. Is there anything in her history that you know of that may have caused distress? If so talking therapy may help her unravel, express and resolve that so that she doesn’t need the numbing balm of alcohol and drugs.

She is on a come down my ex would be horrible for at least 2 days and snappy by the time he was back to his old normal self it would be the weekend again and he would be out drinking and doing coke, a coke addict can not drink once they start drinking the crave for the coke kicks in they go hand in hand. If your daughter is serious she need to keep up her talks maybe attend AA meetings there are ones for Cocaine users and she needs to completely change her friendship groups

Also taking coke regular makes you depressed, paranoid and many other things hopefully if she can stop taking it she may notice her mental health improve but she may also need medical advice for the mental health as it might not all be triggered from the drug

Wise words? Okay.

The drugs are not the cause of your daughter's unhappiness.

I think you know that though.

OP, did you ever find out who gave you that mystery present? I remember your thread from years ago!

@tickertyboo I was a regular recreational cocaine user for years. Fortunately I emerged unscathed a few years ago but lots of my friends still use it as they would alcohol on a weekend.

First of all, I was deeply unhappy in other aspects of my life and with myself. Cocaine masked that. Secondly, it wasn't until I stopped that I realised just how much it was affecting my mental health day to day. I'm now far less anxious, generally calmer and happier. Finally - it's almost impossible to stop when you're surrounded by people who normalise it (friends). I'm not sure I would be able to say no if I was with certain people even now. She needs to make a break to have a chance of breaking the habit.

Twice a week is a habit not an addiction. If she’s around the friends, it will happen, no question.

As pp said, the drugs are a symptom, not the problem. Does she live with you? I would pay for counselling for her tbh. I would keep a very close eye on her. Some people have a drugs phase and come out unscathed. Others, not so much.

soundslikeclouds, I had postnatal depression when she was born. I was too ashamed to seek help and my depression went on for years. Her father and I split up when she was two years old.

I have been through all of this with her every time we talk. I wasn't able to love her until she was at least six years old; even then it was difficult because I was still very unhappy. My unhappiness went on until I had my second child 13 years later. It was only after I had him that I began to feel like a normal human being.

She loves her brother and I know that she worries about me and him because I am bringing him up alone. I suspect that may have a bearing on why she is taking drugs. She knows how much I love her but I can't change what happened when she was younger.

HollowTalk, that was a funny thing that happened. The mystery present came from one of the mothers at the toddler group who I knew for a while when our sons were small. She was a thoughtful person.

Sssloou, my postnatal depression probably had a lot to do with it.

Her father has always been very loving and supportive towards her. However, only until recently has he acknowledged that she has addiction issues. In the past he would bury his head in the sand and try not to think about it. He's seeing a therapist himself now and seems more able to cope with the idea that his daughter is in this state.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, there is help for her if she chooses to access and engage. Cocaine Anonymous is a 12 Step programme can help your daughter, at present there are no face to face meetings, but there are online meetings and a help line.
There is help and support available for family/friends of somebody with a suspected drug problem, it’s a 12 Step Programme www.familiesanonymous.org.uk Families Anonymous changed my life, I learnt to use Tough Love with my loved one, put in boundaries,not enable, rescue and I started to look after myself.