Daughter addicted to cocaine

[tickertyboo]

Hello

I have a 23 year old daughter who is currently living with her dad. She self harms, drinks to excess and regularly takes cocaine with a group of friends who all do the same.

My daughter and I have had countless discussions about why she does what she does. Two days ago she decided that she was going to try and do something about her addictions. She spoke to a therapist yesterday and is speaking to him again next week.

Today she has been absolutely awful to be around. I am walking on eggshells with her. I'm so down. I know this will pass at some point; either she'll get better or she'll kill herself. Can anybody offer any wise words please?

Interestedwoman and goldenT, thank you for your advice and perspectives. I'm going to try and talk with her next week about seeing a GP again.

I am sorry that you suffered PND for so long. It is v positive that you are aware how paralysed and debilitating it was for you and your capacity to emotionally nurture your DD. I have been through similar and at the same time I understand that I can’t change the past as well as my DD was emotionally neglected - although not deliberately. However I have since taken responsibility to “reparent” my DD - to attune to her, to validate her, to focus on her emotional deficit and growth. My own therapy helped me do this (by emotionally regulating myself after my own traumatic childhood) as well as reading and other online resources. She had many emotional meltdowns - and instead of looking at this behaviour as “bad” when she was a teenager - I had compassion for her and worked kindly and gently with her as if she was a truculent toddler struggling with their identity. She is 19 now and doing great. It probably took 2-3 years to settle her and emotionally I would say she is about 12 - so I still have to continue to invest in her. Phillipa Perry’s recent book “The book you wished.....” really consolidated the approach. I don’t blame myself - that’s pointless. We were both victims of my MH collapse (maybe a similar impact if I had been hospitalised with cancer?) - but I do take responsibility for putting it right and will do for as long as I can.

What was in your background that triggered the PND (anything from childhood, trauma, RS?) - has this been resolved for you.

“Re-parenting” is a standard technique in therapy and can be achieved at any age. I worked through mine at 48.

Compassion and professional emotional support for yourself and for your DD will get you both a long way. Put the horse before the cart. It’s not the drink and drugs that are the issue. She needs soothing and internal growth.

Can you (and/or her father) offer to pay for your daughter to have open-ended psychotherapy, with a therapist experienced in attachment issues and Adverse Childhood Experiences?
Many good therapists offer sliding scales of payment.

Otterturk, thank you. How did you stop? Was it sudden or gradual? I suspect she dislikes herself. She only agreed to see a therapist because she said she cared about me. She said that if I wasn't around then she would carry on regardless.

It's been endless self-destruction since the age of 17.

She has a first class law degree, is doing voluntary work and gives the impression that she has it all sorted. Yet she is a wreck.

From your last post it seems that she is not hopeless, helpless or a lost cause. She has some significant ground and resilience to build on - clearly she has a work ethic and is well qualified, her commitment to volunteering shows some depth of character and she has friendships (maybe not always the right ones right now) - human connections are critical. Most importantly she has you - and she clearly values you deeply.

She has a big chunk of emotional development to make up - that’s what’s knocking her off balance with the self destructing - but if she is willing to engage with a good therapist there is real hope. Have you ever had therapy for yourself - would you consider this now? It could well help you cope and support her though this v turbulent time. But there is real promise and hope that this can be resolved.

Hi OP, I was similar to your daughter at that age. I developed a liking for most drugs in my mid teens, and it seemed to be normal at the time, it was the 90s and there seemed to be more of a culture around it, I'm not sure if that's still the same now. Luckily for me I naturally grew out of it; it just became apparent that it was taking more from me than it gave. Friends that were still in that life has sort of drifted. From your message OP, I wonder if something similar is happening for your daughter, it's great that she wants to do something about it, it sounds like she's taking steps. The grumpiness sounds very familiar, during coke comedowns (and the highs, coming to think of it!) I was pretty foul to be around. Now in my 40s I realise I have a mood disorder, like so many others. I take anti depressants, have therapy and exercise regularly. I had a difficult childhood but life is fine now. There's every reason to believe your daughter will come through this. All the best to you both.

Sssloou, thank you for sharing with me how it's been for you and your daughter. Your sound very sensible and caring. Postnatal depression is so destructive and vicious.

I didn't have a happy childhood myself so it was hardly surprising that postnatal depression hit me like a bus. I didn't know that at the time, but when my daughter was around the age of nine I took myself off for some therapy and managed to unravel the dysfunction of my own family.

We talk, I have made that my priority to her since receiving therapy myself. Talking though, doesn't make up for the lack of cuddles and interest that I was unable to give her. Children know when they're unconditionally loved. I think that is the problem. I hope she'll be able to unravel this all herself with her own therapist.

Sssloou, you are right. I have lost sight of the fact that she is resilient, hardworking and has friends. As you said, these are all good things to build upon with her. Thank you for your advice, it is greatly appreciated.

Luckybitches, thank you. It's good to hear that you found a way out of it. I'll look up mood disorders. Her father has also struggled with his mental health over the years, so it maybe a combination of my postnatal depression and genetics.

serene12, thank you also. I'll look that up and will start to look after my own mental health too. I can't allow this to trip me up when I'm raising a nine year old child on my own.

I think the self harm and any other activities that you consider self destructive is the clue here. I agree lots of people do plenty of drink and drugs in that period of their lives and are able to dial it down and adapt as their life commitments increase. Although some don’t.

Mamette, she doesn't live with me. In her first year of university she spent most of the year returning home to me, only to be around the friends who take drugs. It was horrible.

She would come home in the early hours, out of it, with people who I didn't know. I had a wheelie bin thrown at my front door by an abusive ex boyfriend of hers. She would lie about things and that is something that I have no time for. The nail in the coffin was when I saw her outside the house at 4.00 a.m with some man who was being horrible towards her. After that, I told her that she had to go and live with her dad when she wasn't at university. She has remained there since.

She won't allow me to pay for her own therapy.

Talking though, doesn't make up for the lack of cuddles and interest that I was unable to give her. Children know when they're unconditionally loved.

If you continue to show her that you will always unconditionally love her and compassionately support her at this time I believe she will come through. You might need to be quite overt about that if you think she doesn’t know that now. She still needs boundaries, gently but firmly enforced around treating you, her sibling, your home and her own self with respect.

What sort of environment do you think that your xH is providing for her?

I am glad that you have had the benefit of therapy. Sometimes we also need a “top up” at different chapters in our lives. For me the menopause through me way of course again - similarly hit me like a bus like the PND.

Just wondering if your xH is struggling with his own MH is this a healthy emotional place for your vulnerable daughter at this time? Is he detached or disconnected - is he providing her with the level of emotional warmth and encouragement that she needs in these tricky years?

*threw

soundslikeclouds, thank you for making me think. It's up to her and her therapist now. I'm going to keep my distance but will let her know that I am here if she needs me.

I feel a lot better now and more able to manage how I navigate this turbulent time with my daughter. Thank you everybody for your help and wise words.

Sssloou, I've got to get the dinner on. I'll think about what you've said and I'll reply later. Your insight and advice have been really helpful this afternoon.

Sssloou, that is good advice about unconditional love and compassion. I sent her a text just now telling her that I was sorry about our falling out today and that I love her. I would have preferred to have rang her but I knew she was seeing her friends this afternoon.

I'm going to speak with her dad again. His mental health is much improved since seeing a therapist. He is now more able to talk about his feelings and emotions concerning himself and our daughter.

My daughter has told me that she has always felt like a surrogate girlfriend to him. Nothing untoward has gone on between them, but ever since we split up he insisted on taking her everywhere with him, to friends' parties, family events, his workplace etc.

He has been an excellent father to her, far better than my poor old dad, but I always felt that he was using her, not intentionally, to prop him up. I'm sure this also has a lot to do with the way she is behaving.

I would really like to see her move out of her dad's house. He has offered her money to find somewhere to rent but she is reluctant to take this.

but I always felt that he was using her, not intentionally, to prop him up. I'm sure this also has a lot to do with the way she is behaving.

Yes you are likely 100% correct. Have a google of spousification / parentification / emotional incest.

This is a huge burden closely linked to addiction.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-covert-incest-when-parents-make-their-kids-partners-0914165

psychcentral.com/blog/emotional-incest-when-is-close-too-close/

That makes a lot of sense Sssloou. Those two articles describe him and her to a tee. Having read them I feel a sense of relief. Now I know why she won't leave him and why she feels the need to abuse drugs and alcohol. She has always talked to me about feeling guilt but I could never understand where the guilt came from. I do now.

I'll wait for the right time to show them to her. I think they'll give her the answers that she needs to start this initial work on herself. She has replied to my text and seems a lot happier. Thank you for all that you have done, I have some hope for her now. x

Must be shit, my younger brother had a cocaine addiction, he is 6 months clean now, cost my mum and dad around £15,000 for rehab and paying his debts off, it got to a point where my dad was at home and a drug dealer came banging on the door because he owed money, unfortunately for the drug dealer my dad answered the door, it didnt end well for the drug dealer, my old man is ex para

CA is amazing. Very supportive for like-minded people of all ages and no judgement. Anonymity is part of the program.
There should be a local meeting (via Zoom) search under meetings cocaineanonymous.org.uk/

My daughter has told me that she has always felt like a surrogate girlfriend to him. Nothing untoward has gone on between them, but ever since we split up he insisted on taking her everywhere with him, to friends' parties, family events, his workplace etc.

This is enmeshment. I read a good book about it recently (it’s in my family). I will look up the name.

How long have you been separated tickertyboo?

This is it. Don’t be put off by the dramatic title, it’s a very good, balanced book.

I was a parentified / enmeshed / spousified / emotional incest child - basically lent heavily and inappropriately on by an inadequate/immature parent with their own MH issues. It left me with complex-PTSD - which is a chronic PTSD related to dysfunctional relationships rather than an event. The symptoms of which may or may not resonate with your DD.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/complex-ptsd/

She spoke to a therapist yesterday and is speaking to him again next week...Today she has been absolutely awful to be around

It may be that the therapy session has begun to shake a few things loose for her, she feels terrible and it's coming out.

If the therapy works - and it's very hard to go through sometimes, hard to stick with it- then in time things will become better, but in the short term there might be a lot of difficult behaviour. She might have to want to stick with therapy for herself though, not for either you or her dad.

It might help if her dad could talk to her about his spousification and change to a more normal interaction.

About the lack of love when she was small. This does have an effect, yes, but the stability of you being there will also have had an effect - your simple physical presence and some caregiving.

They say now that brainwiring goes on for many years, even lifelong, though naturally the first twenty are the most significant. But this means that your daughter, from age 6, did get love, and that will have sunk in to a very deep level.

If her father can come to a healthier way of interacting with her that will help a lot.

best of luck tickerty. Your love for her and worry shine through.