Daughter addicted to cocaine

[tickertyboo]

Hello

I have a 23 year old daughter who is currently living with her dad. She self harms, drinks to excess and regularly takes cocaine with a group of friends who all do the same.

My daughter and I have had countless discussions about why she does what she does. Two days ago she decided that she was going to try and do something about her addictions. She spoke to a therapist yesterday and is speaking to him again next week.

Today she has been absolutely awful to be around. I am walking on eggshells with her. I'm so down. I know this will pass at some point; either she'll get better or she'll kill herself. Can anybody offer any wise words please?

Agree with SeaEagleFeather - there is lots of opportunity for bouncing back and rewiring through therapy and healthy emotional living as our brains are “neuroplastic”. My life has changed immeasurably since I have been in therapy. I have learnt about the emotional deficits I was left with and worked to fill them in. With complex-PTSD it’s an emotional flooding and overwhelm which is v sensory and physical that you learn to recognise as it rises and intercept.

Agree that therapy is deeply unsettling and emotions can come out or overwhelm at anytime in the week. Just comfort and soothe her and know that it’s painful / unpleasant taking the medicine - but it’s part of the recovery and will work in time.

Mamette, thank you for finding that book for me. I will be looking at it closely.

Sssloou, I've been separated for years now. At 46 I prefer to be on my own because it's peaceful. One friend, I think, feels sorry for me that I'm not in a stable, sexual relationship. I don't feel the same way.

Are you in a relationship Sssloou? I ask, because you're putting a lot of thoughtful effort into your daughter's well-being. I would struggle to do that and meet another adult's needs, as well as my own.

I'm sorry that you've been let down in your own childhood. For what it's worth, you do come across as being accepting and at peace with yourself now.

Thank you SeaEagleFeather. When I posted here I was so sad and could only focus on the issue of her taking drugs and my frustration in reaction to it. The trouble was that I wasn't seeing 'her'. I'm now going to increase the cuddles and not react to her mood swings. I'll also suggest a walk together without her brother being around too.

You are right about the therapy shaking things up for her. That is a good sign.

I asked about how long you were separated just to gauge at what age your DD became exposed to parentification.

I am accepting of my experience now, how it dragged me down, how it impacted my own parenting, how I became aware of the issues and still continue to work through them for the benefit of my DCs and to break the inter generational pattern in our families. My marriage did flounder and fail for a few years but we have worked through stuff and are on the same page re the DCs.

It wasn’t too much time and effort with my DD - just a change of mindset really from blaming her for being a nightmare child to being compassionate and appreciating that she was v miserable, sad and self loathing when she was acting out rather than her being malicious and vindictive. That wasn’t initially easy with my previously volatile emotions.

So the approach is to intervene early, de-escalate, calm, soothe, comfort, reflect and try to teach her to do this for herself - rather than add fuel to the fire, escalate, humiliate and punish.

It just meant checking in either end of her day. Having simple predictable routines and catch ups. Being emotionally present and available to her, not busy and preoccupied with my own shit and focused on her needs. It doesn’t take up much time in the day.

I am under no illusion that my DD is out of the woods. I expect her to be vulnerable and she hasn’t done any of the big emotional resilient tests yet - moved out, relationships (eg swerving shit ones, or having her heart broken) - but I know that we have a connection where we treat each other with kindness and respect and she now knows I am there for her unconditionally.

I totally respect your prioritisation of supporting your DCs over a partner. I chose this route at one time. We all only have a finite emotional capacity and all mine was going to my DCs - a partner had to enhance me that not take me away from them.

I hope that the therapy will help your DD and you feel comfortable that all will be well in time. I am quite envious of your DD to be fixing stuff at 23 ... think my own life would have less carnage and would have been more peaceful if I had had that opportunity.

Also I don’t blame my parent for what happened to me (they had suffered a catastrophe) and I don’t blame myself for getting ill with PND and chronic depression thereafter which has hurt my DD - but I do take 100% responsibility for doing what I can to fix myself so that I can re-parent her and make up for those dark days.