Why don't you live in your own country..

[Whenonedoorcloses]

As the title indicates I am not English. I am Scandinavian but have lived in the UK for more than 14 years.

Time and time again I meet people who ask me this question.

I had a date with someone on Saturday, who was incredibly rude, he was definitely not like that in our messages and he also asked that question 30 minutes into the date, to which I answered that I love it here.
I have been on a dating app for 4 weeks now, and on almost every occasion when asked about my ethnicity, (my looks are Scandinavian and so is my name), and I get very crude responses back. I am certain that an English born would get the same attitude just reading some of the posts on here. It just seems to be the norm? I have been so down over the remarks and comments I got on my date on Saturday, it has really left me wondering if us who emigrate are really ever going to be accepted?
I am 50 years old, but don't look my age for whatever reason, maybe I was defrosted on arrival to the UK and my wrinkles will bombard me one day soon, I just wish with sincerity that I was accepted and that I would make friends, however this has proved to be a huge struggle. I promise I am not odd nor do I smell. But I seem to be off putting to females, and males?
My marriage to my English husband proved to be very abusive and controlled resulting in divorce finally last month after him finally submitting the application after 8 years separation. I couldn't afford the divorce as i am on a minimum wage and supporting my youngest through college.

I just want to make a life here as I love England but feel rather unwanted. I feel its impossible though with the abrupt and crude comments on dating profiles. My confidence has taken a beating lately and with lock down I have felt, like many others I am sure, incredibly lonely.

I am a runner, a gym goer and can do attitude but just no friends. And before anyone suggests that I should move back to my own country I have to say this is my home now and we are wll and truly rooted and as I have been here one third of my life I am just missing that friendship.

To just share an insight into my worries I had a gas leak a couple of years back, and thankfully realised this, but it dawned on me that no one would have missed us for days should anything have happened to us.

I have fantastic work colleagues, but they are 20 years my junior and have their friends circle already.

Do I just accept that I will never be accepted here in the UK?

I too am from a European country and have never felt like you describe. I'm quite happy with my mixed heritage and travelling and always put it forward as a positive thing rather than something to be ashamed of.

I have never been asked this other than in 'why would you choose to live here when the weather/food etc is so much better in...?' But it hasn't happened much.

So my advice to you is to be happy and confident in your own skin and about your heritage. But be respectful and just enjoy being with the people you meet.

Oh that's terrible. Ignore the guy, he's just a shallow dick.

As for friendship and solidarity? You will find plenty from the fab women here.

I can assure you that I have never showed anyone disrespect and I am definitely proud of my heritage. That is not an issue. The issue is I don't feel accepted and tgat we are in the way for some reason. There is no shame within me either. It's just been hard to make friends and meet people who don't feel the need to question my desire to reside here.

I think often if people ask why you choose to live here, it's because they think here is probably pretty shit compared to where you're from, that's all. xx

Online dating is a bit of a bear pit OP. I'm really sorry you are getting such xenophobic responses. These types will find anything to be obnoxious about, it's not you, it's them.

The best way of handling online dating is meet up as soon as possible so you don't form an unrealistic attachment, go for a coffee during the day as a first meet up. In that way you can gauge their attitude to you and if there is any kind of attraction. If you think there's something there, arrange a longer date.

Walk out OP if people start getting obnoxious. Just get your stuff, pay your part of the bill and leave. You don't owe anyone your time and you don't have to sit through excruciating dates with people you don't know.

I’m also an immigrant to England and it took me 8 years to make a friend. She’s much younger, 28, to my 52. My own experience has been that many women in the U.K. make their adult friends around baby groups and those friendships carry on for many years. As a woman without children I have been actively excluded from groups, events, conversations, you name it!

Could you take a course relating to a hobby or join a book club?

Isn’t it just normal curiosity to ask someone why they live in a different country ?
Are you sure you’re not being too sensitive to such questions ?!

I'm originally from Australia, have lived in the UK for 13 years, just over half my adult life. People seemed shocked that i do this by choice, as though hot weather is all you need in life

Thank you everyone, I wasn't sure what kind of responses I would get. I am looking into the hobby part of things.

Regards to the dating @namechange12a that is great advice. I will try that.
@Toilenstripes that's a long time, but I am hopeful. And yes I guess people ask why due to where I am from, but I think I am also referring to when it's said with a "tone"

I love asking people why they moved to this country and why they stayed. Not because i judge you in anyway but i love hearing the reasons. I work with quite a few Polish people and the answers vary quite a lot, from wanting to earn more money, to travel, to finding love and why they have stayed. My boss has been here for 14 years, he has stayed because he put down roots, bought a house and had children, he cannot see him self returning to Poland.

Maybe i am just really nosy but it fascinates me. If i had my life again i would move to Spain in a hearbeat, love the weather, the lifestyle the people. A man i worked with was from Spain and said he wouldnt return living there, baffled me that one as i love Spain!

My old next door neighbours were from Romania and they were very honest that they came here for a better standard of living and better opportunity's for their children.

Funnily enough nobody has ever said they have come here for the fab weather

I suspect your date wasn't being nasty. The idea that Scandinavian countries are superior to the UK in many respects is widely accepted here, so he was probably just wondering why you choose to live here rather than in Scandinavia.

Regarding acceptability, people from Scandinavia are culturally very close and are likely to find this relatively easy. Indeed many here have some Nordic DNA.

I think you are possibly overthinking things. The older I get, the more I realise I will probably never fit it as I will always be a foreigner. A lot of people actually have no experience of interacting with foreigners on a day to day basis - and they will always see your foreignness as the most important thing about you. I think this is something you have to learn to accept. I have a few close friends who don't see me as first and foremost as foreign - and actually I think they all have some other factor which means they don't quite fit in as easily as others, maybe that is what draws us together!

Ah, my Aussoe mate gets asked this all of the time. People cannot believe that here is better than there! We got asked it when we were on holiday in Yorkshire. You've come here for a holiday? Total disbelief that we'd choose to holiday in Yorkshire.

But then I'm for a big city that isn't London and I'm always shocked when people come here to visit.

Maybe it's a very British thing to do? I'd never really thought about it before.

Re making friends, I think you need to find things you enjoy doing and then you'll hopefully meet like minded people who also enjoy doing those things.

Hi there, sorry to hear you haven't had much luck. As you have only just got out of a horrible marriage, why don't you give men a miss for a while? Seriously, men are not the be all and end all of life. Learn to love yourself a bit more!
Get a hobby, join a group, MeetUp is good

People are asking as they are interested in why you chose to live here, just as we are asked why we moved to another country there is nothing rude about it

@LemmysAceCard I came here for the weather! OK I stay mostly because I love London and my DH is a born and bred Londoner, but the weather is a big draw for me.

I am from Singapore and it is horribly hot. when I was growing up, my parents routinely spend 1200 a month on airconditioning and you get so sleepy in the afternoons. You feel gross if you don't shower twice a day but there often isn't time to do that if you have long hair. The UK has great weather, not too cold and only hot for a few months (or even days) a year. It is rainy but it doesn't bother me too much as I am used to monsoon rains.

Other things I love about UK/London:

1. Cosmopolitan- so many people from different cultures and different countries
2. Liberal- esp about LGBT issues, sex etc. Esp compared to Asia
3. SO many free things to do- museums, parks, day trips to picturesque surrounding towns
4. I always thought British accents sound very nice.

Yup, I get asked this a lot but I don't consider it a rude or unpleasant question - people are just curious. And I get that - if you've lived in the same country your whole life, wondering what drives someone to move is perfectly valid. Especially if you still have family/friends/other ties at "home".

Why you don't have friends I really couldn't say and I'm sorry that's your experience. Certainly, in my case, I've made friends with people who are English, other people from my country and people from other countries. Usually through shared experiences - work when I was younger and first moved here but then through DC and the like as I settled down and put down proper roots.

One thing I have found as I've got older is that it is harder to make friends here. Partly I think that's just the way life goes - strong friendships are based on time together and if you've got a family and a life and things going on, it's hard to invest the time it takes to become "real" friends. partly, I do find that English people (certainly where i am) are a smidgeon more reserved. There's fewer spontaneous invites to meet up at each others' houses for a meal or event, for example. Where I grew up, if you get on fairly well with someone superficially, a natural next step would be to get together for an informal event, often at someone's house or whatever. But then, I come from a place where homes are routinely bigger, weather is better, there's less effort involved in going places etc. So I don't take it personally that it doesn't happen as much here and have just adapted - eg suggesting a day out somewhere with kids or whatever.

@Whenonedoorcloses from my perspective, a lot of Brits dislike living in England and as someone living here, I do admit that there are issues. They also have a rosetinted view of what it is like to live in certain countries. Hence some of them can get confused why people from those countries want to live in England.

Scandinavian countries would be at the top of the list, from what I understand, they seem to have a high standard of living for the average person and a more egalitarian society.

OP sorry you feel that way, I'm from Denmark but have lived here 9 years now, tbh I've never had someone ask me that. I'd be your friend ❤️

Short answer: here's better
Long answer: there's worse.

Yes, you'll always be a foreigner, on the bright side, you get an "out" from the class system. Swings and roundabouts. (I'm foreign born too).

Hi, I'm from the Nordics as well and have been here for 7 years now. In my experience people in the UK seem to think of the Nordics as some sort of a Narnia with happy, healthy people and free education and wonder why I'd rather live in/near London with extortionate living costs, Brexit and all that. I get the occasional "that's an interesting accent, where is that from" but I like to think people are being nosy rather than rude. I do have some friends who have had some nasty remarks on the tube or where ever for speaking their own language but there's idiots in every country.
Making friends as adults when living abroad can be tricky. After 9 years of living in the UK and Ireland I'm still rubbish at small talk and often feel like I'm too direct or on a slightly different wavelength with my sense of humour to my British friends and colleagues. I find it easy to meet people but really getting to know them and becoming friends is like a dance to which I haven't figured out the choreography yet. There's a good few FB groups and meetups for Scandinavians in London/other bigger cities in the UK, that might be an easy place to start.

I’m sorry that you have had this experience OP.

As a mixed race person in England, I wanted to fit in with the crowd when I was younger and put up with well shit from people. Now I file the people whose opening gambit is “where you from?” followed by sneering, straight into the arsehole category. I get some grief now with extended in-laws, as I am “up-country” and not west-country.

There will always be someone to dis you, you just have to ignore them as best you can.

I'm Mexican and I've never being told that ever. They do say why do you live here? The weather is much better in Mexico.
I'm also 51.

@Desiringonlychild you are the only person in my unofficial straw pole that has said the weather , most people just of sigh and look at the sky when i ask them what they think of the weather here!

I just find it very interesting. I also do not agree with the poster who said most people who live in England dont like living here. Not the opinion i have found. It is mostly the raining weather that puts people off or grumble about moving to somewhere warmer.

Now I file the people whose opening gambit is “where you from?” followed by sneering, straight into the arsehole category.

It's an awfully helpful filter, isn't it? Real timesaver.