Why don't you live in your own country..

[Whenonedoorcloses]

As the title indicates I am not English. I am Scandinavian but have lived in the UK for more than 14 years.

Time and time again I meet people who ask me this question.

I had a date with someone on Saturday, who was incredibly rude, he was definitely not like that in our messages and he also asked that question 30 minutes into the date, to which I answered that I love it here.
I have been on a dating app for 4 weeks now, and on almost every occasion when asked about my ethnicity, (my looks are Scandinavian and so is my name), and I get very crude responses back. I am certain that an English born would get the same attitude just reading some of the posts on here. It just seems to be the norm? I have been so down over the remarks and comments I got on my date on Saturday, it has really left me wondering if us who emigrate are really ever going to be accepted?
I am 50 years old, but don't look my age for whatever reason, maybe I was defrosted on arrival to the UK and my wrinkles will bombard me one day soon, I just wish with sincerity that I was accepted and that I would make friends, however this has proved to be a huge struggle. I promise I am not odd nor do I smell. But I seem to be off putting to females, and males?
My marriage to my English husband proved to be very abusive and controlled resulting in divorce finally last month after him finally submitting the application after 8 years separation. I couldn't afford the divorce as i am on a minimum wage and supporting my youngest through college.

I just want to make a life here as I love England but feel rather unwanted. I feel its impossible though with the abrupt and crude comments on dating profiles. My confidence has taken a beating lately and with lock down I have felt, like many others I am sure, incredibly lonely.

I am a runner, a gym goer and can do attitude but just no friends. And before anyone suggests that I should move back to my own country I have to say this is my home now and we are wll and truly rooted and as I have been here one third of my life I am just missing that friendship.

To just share an insight into my worries I had a gas leak a couple of years back, and thankfully realised this, but it dawned on me that no one would have missed us for days should anything have happened to us.

I have fantastic work colleagues, but they are 20 years my junior and have their friends circle already.

Do I just accept that I will never be accepted here in the UK?

That guy was an absolute dick.
Unfortunately you do get people like that.
I live in another European country and the vast majority of new people I meet ask me "Why did you move here?" I would say that 95% of people are just curious or see it as a way of making conversation. I've had about 5% of people asking it with the "tone" you describe and it's not pleasant. I tend to just ignore those types if possible and move on to talk to others asap.
I do get a lot of "bother" from men - basically thinking that as I am single at the moment I must be desperate for a shag. I don't think it's connected to my status as foreigner as such - more to do with the inherent sexism here and the belief that every woman is just waiting for some man to come along as they are incapable of being on their own.

I moved to where I live now in France in my mid 40s. I now have one almost friend of my own. I used to live 120 km away and always had friends.

It's been a bid of a mind blower. I'm not every ones cup of tea but I'm pretty extrovert and easy going.

But the good news is being foreign (even British) makes me exotic! To most Brits you will also be exotic and possibly that is a bit scary. Particularly if your good looking.

I've had 2 French DHs and part of the attractiveness is my foreignness. So don't give up but also don't be offended by the question.

I moved to where I live now in France in my mid 40s. I now have one almost friend of my own. I used to live 120 km away and always had friends.

It's been a bid of a mind blower. I'm not every ones cup of tea but I'm pretty extrovert and easy going.

But the good news is being foreign (even British) makes me exotic! To most Brits you will also be exotic and possibly that is a bit scary. Particularly if your good looking.

I've had 2 French DHs and part of the attractiveness is my foreignness. So don't give up but also don't be offended by the question.

What is it with the double posts at the moment?

Immigrant in UK for 20 years.
Many people are curious with my "international" accent and I myself always probe out of curiosity if I hear an unusual accent. But your date sounds dreadfully full of himself.

I like the weather and liberalism. I am not a fan of humid hot weather and strong sunshine.

Most people are nice to me, i am friendly and very chatty with everyone. But I never feel truly accepted because I am still the foreigner with no family roots - my closest friends are lovely, but I am not their closest friends if that makes sense, because they have all their childhood or university friends etc.

I do get the rare occasional xenophobia, the most striking - and I had no idea whether it was intentionally rude: "couldnt you marry one of your own instead of taking our men." (DH is english)

Where I live (very white) there is a very small handful of small town mentality type school mums who wouldnt talk to me or DH. It's partly cliqueyness but I know they exclude the european and black/asian parents (and their DC) too. But I just ignore them, there are lots of normal nice Brits.

@SharonasCorona

it has really left me wondering if us who emigrate are really ever going to be accepted?

Sympathies, OP. Whilst most people are friendly, there is a lot of conscious (and mostly subconscious) 'othering' that goes on. I fear as an immigrant I'll never belong anywhere.

Yep and I wouldnt be accepted in my country(ies) of origin too! Oh well.

I’ve been asked where I’m from quite a lot, normally when I’m in my home town by someone who is obviously from overseas! I think it’s just one of those questions nosy people like to ask. As pp have said in terms of making friends best way is to join some clubs or take up some hobbies and find people with the same interests. Or get a dog! I’ve made loads of friends since getting my dog, can’t walk 2 mins down the road now without bumping into another owner and stopping for a chat. Dog gets quite fed up with it.

I followed a man over to the UK as well, and often explained that, except it got complicated, it was like ''em no, not this one no. No, not the one before him either!''
Seems like I just came over to the UK to steal all your men.

I would be asking where you are from. Fascinated with the nordic countries! I would be asking you lots of questions!

See if there are local facebook groups that you can join.

Your date does sound awful @Whenonedoorcloses He was deeply rude and insulting in many ways. The question of where you’re from is usually a conversation starter for most people but I think you can genuinely tell by someone’s tone and follow up questions/conversation how to take it.
I am British born and live in Spain. Spanish people always ask me where I’m from. There are so many people where I live from many different countries, it’s a melting pot of different nationalities so it’s a question most of us ask one another.

I have to say, though, that I quite like it when people ask where I am from, in a friendly way obviously. When I first came here I could speak almost no German, and it took me a while to learn as an adult. People here tend to leave you to fend for yourself in a conversation, letting you sit there in silence rather than asking some of the more obvious questions such as "where are you from", which I would ask almost anyone if I thought it would help get a conversation started. I meet up with people in an international group once a month or so, and the first few questions are usually to find out where everyone is from and what they are doing here. By contrast, when I first went to a playgroup with my daughter, people hardly spoke to one another at all and I was baffled that when I said a few things, then in a heavy accent, no-one picked up on it or used it to start a conversation. I went there for 10 weeks or something and afaik, no-one ever found out where I was from. I found that weird!

Do we forinners have to be accepted? We don't have to stand outside the door waiting for someone to let us in. Go in, make yourself at home, tell them you belong where you are. If they ask where you are from, tell them you are from Birmingham, or Brighton, or whatever. Ask them where they are from, tease them about their local accent.

I used to say that I came here for work and stayed for a man, but now I have a totally different job and man, and can't be arsed to explain it all, so I say I came here for an adventure, which is also true :)

Don’t let idiots get you down. We are all from somewhere else. I was born here but when I had my genetics done found I’ve got Irish, Scandinavian and Middle Eastern genetics in me...everyone has all sorts if they look deep enough

He named dropped Eton on the first date as though it's some qualification for detecting 'foreignness'. Seriously??? I very much doubt he went there and, even if he did, he's a tosser!!

Well as I’m just in the car on the way back from Copenhagen, I would be more curious than rude as personally I would choose to live in Copenhagen or Stockholm every time. Love scandinavia- pricey yes , but high standards. I wouldn’t take it personally OP, Brits are just naturally curious I think and yes many of us find lots of things a bit crap here

Where do you live? I'll be your friend OP! I'm 51.

The idea that Scandinavian countries are superior to the UK in many respects is widely accepted here, so he was probably just wondering why you choose to live here rather than in Scandinavia.
I think this is definitely true as well so might be one reason people ask why you're here.

I'm from the uk and think it's a bit shit. Appreciate the many good things too though, NHS, multiculturalism, um, cant think of anything else right now.
OP, ditch blokes and dating for a while, can't you look into some group activities? Something like running or walking or whatever you're into?