Why don't you live in your own country..

[Whenonedoorcloses]

As the title indicates I am not English. I am Scandinavian but have lived in the UK for more than 14 years.

Time and time again I meet people who ask me this question.

I had a date with someone on Saturday, who was incredibly rude, he was definitely not like that in our messages and he also asked that question 30 minutes into the date, to which I answered that I love it here.
I have been on a dating app for 4 weeks now, and on almost every occasion when asked about my ethnicity, (my looks are Scandinavian and so is my name), and I get very crude responses back. I am certain that an English born would get the same attitude just reading some of the posts on here. It just seems to be the norm? I have been so down over the remarks and comments I got on my date on Saturday, it has really left me wondering if us who emigrate are really ever going to be accepted?
I am 50 years old, but don't look my age for whatever reason, maybe I was defrosted on arrival to the UK and my wrinkles will bombard me one day soon, I just wish with sincerity that I was accepted and that I would make friends, however this has proved to be a huge struggle. I promise I am not odd nor do I smell. But I seem to be off putting to females, and males?
My marriage to my English husband proved to be very abusive and controlled resulting in divorce finally last month after him finally submitting the application after 8 years separation. I couldn't afford the divorce as i am on a minimum wage and supporting my youngest through college.

I just want to make a life here as I love England but feel rather unwanted. I feel its impossible though with the abrupt and crude comments on dating profiles. My confidence has taken a beating lately and with lock down I have felt, like many others I am sure, incredibly lonely.

I am a runner, a gym goer and can do attitude but just no friends. And before anyone suggests that I should move back to my own country I have to say this is my home now and we are wll and truly rooted and as I have been here one third of my life I am just missing that friendship.

To just share an insight into my worries I had a gas leak a couple of years back, and thankfully realised this, but it dawned on me that no one would have missed us for days should anything have happened to us.

I have fantastic work colleagues, but they are 20 years my junior and have their friends circle already.

Do I just accept that I will never be accepted here in the UK?

Probably because they are wondering why you moved from such a lovely country to this shit hole!

I have to disagree in respect to me being too sensitive, the date was very offensive saying I was the cheapest date he has ever had, that most English people would not be able to pick up a dialect of foreign origin and that I sounded Polish, then adding seeing he was Eton educated he was able to hear that I wasn't English. It left me flabbergasted. He resumed by saying all English women let them selves go and hense him having no other option but to look elsewhere, another insult to women in general. I get that the man was really wealthy but it was uncalled for. And I get this ALOT. I am far from being sensitive, it does take guts to move to another country and a just and I have loved the journey, its just men seem very entitled to say whatever to women of different origin? That's at least what I pick up

Also, I separated 8 years ago, and definitely OK to date again.

I think you are taking the question the wrong way. People are just interested in why you chose to live here, that's all.

Tell them you are following in your ancestors' footprints...

On the plus side, anyone asking you that in a challenging way clearly doesn't need to finish the date let alone have another one. Instant red flag.

Your Eton lad sounds like a complete prick in every other way too, mind.

I am Irish and moved back to Ireland after mu disastrous relationship breakdown, but i think it is just a conversation starter. Or what do you like about here? What do you dislike or miss about yr own country.

Obviously this was just how i saw it. I answered all questions fully. Too fully? 😀🤣

You aren’t being too sensitive. Unfortunately, there are some people who think that within 10 seconds of meeting them that they are entitled to your life story. Do not get me started on ‘where are you from’?

Hobbies are a good place. I have a great social life which started from a sports team i was in. That linked to the friends of a team mate who i got on with. Then add in some work mates and you've got some people to do things with

@Interestedwoman

I think often if people ask why you choose to live here, it's because they think here is probably pretty shit compared to where you're from, that's all. xx

Oh yes - I know people here from all over the world and sometimes places I dream of going to!

Im a single parent and my colleagues are all 20 years younger than i am too.

They say the population is ageing but what i want so much more than a date is to walk in to the office and not be the oldest, to have several women my age. There is literally not one woman my age at work. It is strange.

I found the English every bit as friendly as the irish (when i was young and pretty!) but also, when i was a stressed single parent, i felt a little disconnected from people who had no worries.

You sound like the spring has gone out of your step OP @whenthedoorcloses

Get your mojo back first so that you attract a happier man
🍷😍🤞

I suspect PPs are right and it's not that this guy asked 'What the fuck are you doing here?', but 'Why did you choose the UK over Scandinavia when the UK is an inferior choice?'. Most Brits can't understand why anyone would choose this country over their own, wherever that country is. My American DH gets asked the same question, as if where he's from (a not very beautiful or fabulous part of the USA) is clearly superior. He thinks it just shows their ignorance, which generally it does.

Where do you live that you encounter this attitude OP? Round where I live (home counties) there are masses of people from overseas and no one bats an eyelid.

it has really left me wondering if us who emigrate are really ever going to be accepted?

Sympathies, OP. Whilst most people are friendly, there is a lot of conscious (and mostly subconscious) 'othering' that goes on. I fear as an immigrant I'll never belong anywhere.

Oh my ... He sounds like an absolute wanker.

And an utter elitist, snobby, classist (is that a word?) twat.

Unfortunately there are plenty in England (and elsewhere).

So it takes an Erin education to detect an accent, does it.

Sounds like it was rather important to him to make sure you weren't Eastern European, going by the rest of his patter, due to snobbery.

*Eton obviously

Lots of people from overly hot countries love the British climate.....guys from Saudi and so on. That is why they like to spend summers in London.

as pp from Australia said there's more to life than hot weather. ...

I have to admit to wondering why people from well off Western liberal democracies emigrate , if it doesn't fall under "met partner from this country" or "particular job/industry/area if study in this country" or. "better climate/more space".

Also OP I think your man might have been lying about Eton. Say what you like about the place but they learn better manners than that there...Surely. .

I'm about your age, OP, originally from Eastern Europe, been here for 15 years. I agree with the pp who said the English don't like being here themselves and wonder why anyone would want to. I also get asked this question and it irritates me because I can't tell them the truth (I was trying to get away from an emotionally abusive family member). I am planning to go back to my country of origin once I retire (in 17 years) - or tomorrow if I win the Euromillions tonight.

I would always ask someone with an accent where they are from because l think it is a brilliant ice breaker. So sorry you haven't made any friends OP, where abouts are you? I am a small town gal and always imagine living in a city would be really lonely - people too busy to make the time for you. Probably totally wrong but just made me wonder where you live.

I've lived in Germany for almost 30 years and still get this sort of comment, sometimes in a friendly way, sometimes less so :D
I will occasionally ask them the same question back - why they stayed in their home town/country and didn't go somewhere else. Or whether they "like it here". Usually gets them thinking :)
Some people are just dicks, though, and you get that everywhere. And some people have a different political viewpoint, which is what you get in an open society.

Personally I find that whether or not I feel welcome depends quite a lot on how I'm feeling - my mental health, what I happen to have read in the papers, whether I have had lunch :) I have also learned that for me, it helps if I make a deliberate effort to notice when people are friendly and kind, rather than mainly remembering the rude comments.

I was also surprised to find that getting German nationality has made me feel more settled, and as if I am welcome, as my presence is officially sanctified.

Here in Germany, people my age (just turned 51) also mainly have their own set of old friends and aren't really looking for new ones. I doubt I would be either, in that situation. After I broke up with my exh I started going out and doing more - e.g. answered a couple of ads by people looking for jogging partners or people to do stuff with. You do find a few other divorcees in the same boat. I have tried a choir, ramblers, a theatre group. Just getting to know some different types of people has been helpful.

I try not to ask people with accents where they are from as tbh it's a bit of a crap question.
I especially don't ask people with Irish accents where they are from as it's fairly obvious .
Honestly it's not always 'a brilliant ice breaker' it can sound really patronising.

Brit in a nordic country. I just get asked if it was a man that brought me here and it was. But I can imagine a british snarl like you describe. And the only friends I have here are my mother group (nr 2). No one ever invites me in for coffee.