Was kicked out of the house at 3AM on Saturday

[MiamiBeach104]

Hello ladies,

My partner kicked me out of the house on Saturday at 3AM in the morning. At first I thought I might just wait it through and will talk to him in the morning but then he gave me 9min to pick up my things and get out. I said let me do it in the morning. He started threatening to throw my things away through the window. He was kicking my legs and grabbing the laptop out of my hands. Thankfully I had my car keys so I jumped in a car and drove off. Spent the night in a car parked on a residential street. (Had to pee in a plastic box that was inside the car and then wait for the places to open up in the morning so I could relieve myself). Throughout all this time I was hoping he will come to his sense and I'll be back and we'll talk it through. But this didn't happen. I have to work tomorrow (thankfully still from home as I would have no clothes) so was running around to find a laptop charger so I can work (I took Fri and today off expecting to spend some time with him as my work is demanding). I texted him if I can come back to take my things. At least a charger as it was a struggle to find one. He opened the door, said no and closed the door in front of me. I tried unlocking the door but I think he had the key in from inside.

We were together for more than 5years. I tried getting out of the relationship twice now. The main issue is he gets drunk and gets abusive. He wouldn't do these things to me when sober. However, when drunk it can be anything that would set him off (dishwasher on). I would usually get into protective mode just trying to get through it and keep it peaceful as much as I can. Do whatever he wants me to do, listen to his silly stories, go out for a smoke with him, be nice and obedient to keep him entertained. On Saturday at around 1:30 I just couldn't do this anymore. I started pouring alcohol down the sink (I probably shouldn't have done it but my body started trembling, it's almost like I had some sort of pannick attack) and that's when it all kicked off. I tried to convince him to talk about it in the morning but he just got into emotional abuse and eventually physical as well.

So I booked myseld into Travelodge until Sat morning (thankfully it didn't happened during the lockdown) and just thinking now what to do. I know I need to deliver on my work commitments but apart from that I'm lost.

I'm even afraid to talk to friends as they were so negative about me getting back to me (I had a flat sorted and all on the 2nd time I left).

What the most annoying thing is that I love him and if he would tell me that he wants me back I would probably would get back. I understand what he did to me was absolutely wrong. It probably show that I have esteem issues. Why would I let him keep on doing this to me. Or is it the victim's mentality that I have (he said this to me many times).

Other than that I have good job, 33 yr old and I am in a decent place financially as well. No kids (I want to have kids one day)

Is it your house? Who does the house belong to?
You need to call the police to help you get your belongings back or get legal advice. Perhaps the threat of this would get your stuff back

I don’t even know what to say about why you would go back to him. This is the most horrible in humane way to treat someone. He has done you a favour. He’s a nasty abusive drunk

Sounds horrendous, you sound in danger both from him and because of him. Sleeping in your car?

I’d use this opportunity to get out and stay out. This isn’t what love looks like. I’m guessing he abuses alcohol?

Please take care of yourself.

Trust your friends. They have your best interests at heart and they will be overjoyed to be able help, but you have to promise yourself to stay away from him this time, because even the best friends sometimes give up.

If this was happening to your friend, your sister, your daughter, what would you do? What would you say to her?

What the most annoying thing is that I love him
Ok, but OP, this is not a kind of love that you should follow or give yourself over to
this is a toxic emotional attachment, a kind of trauma bond or addiction, this is harming you, please see that you need to get away from this person so that you can repair your self esteem.

It's not really love as such, it's traumatic bonding.

Anyway, love is worthless when you get treated like this. It has zero value, it's just horrifically unhealthy, when you're being abused by your partner.

You're young, please don't spend any more of your life on this man. He'd be no sort of father for your children.

Try reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=6

and speaking with domestic abuse services.

See if there's a Freedom Programme group near you.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php

I realise the situation is not right and I need to get out. When I left the last time I was determined to get out but he said he will change, said he will commit suicide etc and I decided to give it another go at the end.

I even booked myself seasons with psychiatrist to try to figure out what is going on and why I can't detach myself properly.

It's entirely possible he realized he just can't be bothered with me anymore. And kept on putting up because it's better for him financially. I initiated to have sex on Sat morning and he wasn't interested in it just did it out of duty so that I don't get upset etc.

Logically I should stay in Travelodge in order to deliver on my working commitments throughout the week (it very much 12hrs straight working a day), look for a place to rent, think of the way to get my belongings of him and store them in storage facility until I sort out my living arrangement. This sounds reasonable but my ability not being able to detach myself from him is seriously embarrassing and worrying at the same time.

If you so have belongings there, get the police to assist you in removing them and then focus on your life without him.

not being able to detach myself from him is seriously embarrassing and worrying at the same time
you CAN do it, it might be difficult and take time and work but you CAN do it, you have a duty to take care of yourself, dont waste your life on this man
escape to a better life

Who's name was on the tenancy?

OP, you’ve summed up what you should do in your last post. You sound like an intelligent woman and you’ve not got children or financial worries to consider.
It is hard to leave a long term partner, especially given he has issues that you may be conflicted about (thinking that you can help him break his addiction / what life would be like if he was well) but I say this emphatically - DO NOT return. This will keep happening and you don’t want to end up being stuck in an abusive relationship, and bringing a baby into that environment.
It’s time to value yourself and get out.

He owns the house.

I'm thinking to let myself sleep over this and then start acting tomorrow I'm terms of sorting out my living arrangements.

Fairly said, I must do it because the situation is not going to change. It will improve for a while and then back to the usual unhealthy ways.

Please report the abuse to the police OP and also ask them to help you get your belongings. If it gets even worse you then have evidence of previous behaviour. Sorry you're experiencing this OP.

Look up trauma bonding. Might be relevant.

Definately dont go back. Do you have somewhere else you can stay? Can someone else pick up your things?

You should read up on narcissists too as he sounds like one. Threatening to kill themself if you leave is typical manipulation from those sorts.

'He wouldn't do it to me sober' is not an excuse. If I knew i hurt someone i loved when i drank, I would never touch alcohol again. It sounds like he actially uses it as an excuse TO hurt you. Because he likes hurting you.

If theres nothing of value back there, I'd just block him on everything and have done with it. He is unstable and dangerous.

Love yourself.

Why you stay with him is something within you, likely lessons learnt growing up. Why he abuses is something within him, you are not responsible for it, you cannot control it. If you want children though you are going to have to leave him, staying with him is going to delay your chances of being a mother - do not ever consider any with him.
Just get police to help you get your stuff if he is still as uncooperative when he's sobered up. You'd be mad to go back, get help to get him out of your system.

You’re 33. If you want children you have to leave this man NOW to give yourself enough time to do so with someone decent.

If you feel yourself wavering, think of this: are you prepared to give up your chance of having kids for this tosser? Because you know you can’t bring kids into this situation, don’t you?

Concentrate your mind.

Please do not go back to this man. This is not what a loving relationship looks like. You are young and have so much life ahead of you. Get out now and the world is your oyster. He is never going to change. Good luck

OP were you brought up in a chaotic or dependent household? Were either of your parents dependent on alcohol or drugs (or both)? Sometimes, without us really understanding why, we get drawn into relationships with people like our primary carers. It feels normal to us, even though to others it's unhealthy and toxic.

You pouring booze down the sink reminds me of a co dependent living with an alcoholic thinking that if they don't have booze they won't drink. It's absolute nonsense obviously, they'll just get more booze but their partner is in the eye of the storm, trying to control the situation.

You sound as though rationally you understand that the situation is not right but emotionally, you're drawn back. That's what a child brought up like this experiences and is why children brought up in abusive homes get into dysfunctional relationships as adults.

You need to have a word with yourself OP. These kinds of relationships destroy your mental health and it's obvious to you that it's not going anywhere. Life can feel very empty when you're outside the abusive relationship and it's what draws you back in time and again.

You sound very sensible and you don't deserve this kind of life. Stay in the Travellodge and look for somewhere to rent. If he threatens to kill himself then dial 999 and call an ambulance - once that's happened a few times, he'll miraculously stop threatening suicide. It's all attempts at sucking you back in.

Toxic relationships cause a kind of fog and you can't see or think clearly when you're inside them. Once you've been away for a while, the fog lifts and you'll wonder the hell you were doing. You'll see him for what he is and in five years, you'll kick yourself for wasting so much time on him.

Not letting you get your belongings is such an arse hole move. I would never get back with someone who could humiliate me so easily and treat me like such shit. I hope you get your things and get the hell away from him 😐

This is a toxic and dangerous relationship and he is a cunt

He won’t commit suicide. He has too much of an ego to do something like that.

Have some pride and leave him for good and for gods sake do not have kids with him

contact the police say you need your personal items back from his house asap and you need there help to do it as he can get aggressive grab as much as you can and fuck the rest off

And yes get your stuff back!

But don’t go alone or wait until he’s out of the house. Contact the police for help and advice. Don’t risk yourself

You poor soul, no this is not right an any shape or form. The demon booze just makes any underlying issures he has worse.

Please don't delude yourself he isnt the right man for you no man who loves and cares for you would treat you like this. Do your damdest to getr a place of your own sorted othewise your rather over his barrell with him owing the house.

Children you may want but its not right to bring them into this unhappy place:( Sorry..

You deserve better. Get out, now. Please.

Women's aid can perhaps help with accommodation, if you need that.

This is often recommended on mumsnet freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You know he's abusive so he isnt someone you could risk having a child with, he would be dangerous to them.

You've had very good advice above (including how to respond to suicide threats - it's all just manipulative bastard bullshit), OP, and hopefully today is the first day of your life without him.

Abusive relationships can have an addictive quality created by trauma bonding and by the fact that abusers can love-bomb like there's no tomorrow so the good times are magnified, particularly when combined with relief that the abuser is treating you with kindness (this is why I think the real test of an LRT is not how good the good times are but how bad the bad times are - and these sound hellish). To understand the dynamics underpinning this and how you keep getting sucked back, you might find it helpful to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser" by Don Hennessy and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, and perhaps also "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You will probably find you recognise a great deal of your partner's behaviour and your responses in those books. Robin Norwood is particularly good on the addictive nature of abusive relationships and how healthy, functional relationships can seem almost boring at first because of their lack of drama and craziness, but how those self-destructive tendencies can be overcome.

Remember you only have this life: it is not a dress rehearsal. You're keen to have children so now is the time to get this nightmare of a relationship behind you, do some work on yourself and prepare yourself for future functional relationships.