Was kicked out of the house at 3AM on Saturday

[MiamiBeach104]

Hello ladies,

My partner kicked me out of the house on Saturday at 3AM in the morning. At first I thought I might just wait it through and will talk to him in the morning but then he gave me 9min to pick up my things and get out. I said let me do it in the morning. He started threatening to throw my things away through the window. He was kicking my legs and grabbing the laptop out of my hands. Thankfully I had my car keys so I jumped in a car and drove off. Spent the night in a car parked on a residential street. (Had to pee in a plastic box that was inside the car and then wait for the places to open up in the morning so I could relieve myself). Throughout all this time I was hoping he will come to his sense and I'll be back and we'll talk it through. But this didn't happen. I have to work tomorrow (thankfully still from home as I would have no clothes) so was running around to find a laptop charger so I can work (I took Fri and today off expecting to spend some time with him as my work is demanding). I texted him if I can come back to take my things. At least a charger as it was a struggle to find one. He opened the door, said no and closed the door in front of me. I tried unlocking the door but I think he had the key in from inside.

We were together for more than 5years. I tried getting out of the relationship twice now. The main issue is he gets drunk and gets abusive. He wouldn't do these things to me when sober. However, when drunk it can be anything that would set him off (dishwasher on). I would usually get into protective mode just trying to get through it and keep it peaceful as much as I can. Do whatever he wants me to do, listen to his silly stories, go out for a smoke with him, be nice and obedient to keep him entertained. On Saturday at around 1:30 I just couldn't do this anymore. I started pouring alcohol down the sink (I probably shouldn't have done it but my body started trembling, it's almost like I had some sort of pannick attack) and that's when it all kicked off. I tried to convince him to talk about it in the morning but he just got into emotional abuse and eventually physical as well.

So I booked myseld into Travelodge until Sat morning (thankfully it didn't happened during the lockdown) and just thinking now what to do. I know I need to deliver on my work commitments but apart from that I'm lost.

I'm even afraid to talk to friends as they were so negative about me getting back to me (I had a flat sorted and all on the 2nd time I left).

What the most annoying thing is that I love him and if he would tell me that he wants me back I would probably would get back. I understand what he did to me was absolutely wrong. It probably show that I have esteem issues. Why would I let him keep on doing this to me. Or is it the victim's mentality that I have (he said this to me many times).

Other than that I have good job, 33 yr old and I am in a decent place financially as well. No kids (I want to have kids one day)

He wouldn't do these things to me when sober.

Was he drunk the next day when he slammed the door in your face??

@namechange12a yup, my dad was an alcoholic. And my mum's way of dealing with it wasn't healthy (I don't blame either of them for my situation though) my partner's mum was emotionally abusive when he was growing up.

I fully understand pouring alcohol down the sink cannot achieve anything nor that that I can control him.

I looked for professional help around me staying in relationship that is not healthy in order to avoid the pattern in the future but it doesn't look like it worked well.

He gets drunk in order to give himself an excuse to abuse you - it's not the cause of his abuse, it's his mask for the abuse and his 'get out of jail free' card.

@CodenameVillanelle, yup I could see from his eyes he was drunk

You sound very aware of your situation and have people who you disclosed whats going on to. Did you post to vent? For a handhold? To understand why you keep getting back? For a record of your post???

Please don't let him know where you are, change your email and phone number and use that as a way to reach out to old friends. Don't give him a chance to work back in.

@MynameisHappind I post because I have nobody to talk to about this so yes, it is partially to vent, get support and try to understand why I find it difficult to cut myself off. I struggle with the latter. Logically I know what to do but emotionally I find it very difficult thing to achieve

I agree with contacting the police to assist you in getting your things back. But remember that in the end 'stuff' is just stuff and you can always get more 'stuff'. Obviously, if you have valuable or sentimental items you may want to push a little harder to get them back.

I hate to sound mean, but just thank your lucky stars that you aren't married to him, have no children with him, and (this may also sound mean) that the house is his. This means that there will be no legal wrangling and no trying to force a sale or change a lease for the house.

I assume you have totally separate finances? If not, make sorting that your 1st priority.

Listen, once you get your things back, you can make an absolute clean break and you never have to see him ever again.

Please get the counseling you need to learn how to make better choices in men. After an abusive marriage and then a nasty cocklodger I went to a therapist and when she asked me what I wanted from therapy I simply said "Why do I pick such shit men and how do I stop it!!!" It took 18 months or so but we cracked it and I learned to recognize danger signs and, more importantly, I found my 'voice' and learnt not to put up with bullshit.

I met DH a few years later, we've been married nearly 35 years and have raised 2 wonderful sons.

"I looked for professional help around me staying in relationship that is not healthy in order to avoid the pattern in the future but it doesn't look like it worked well."

The professional help may have planted the seed that is allowing you to see your situation with clarity and will helpfully get you out. I think it would also help to read the books I suggested above and, from what you say of your upbringing, I would suggest you start with "Women Who Love Too Much".

Like most Adult children, you sound very responsible and overly self critical. It can take a long term to unlearn those very ingrained patterns of behaviour you learned as a child.

Just know that there is a way forward and it may be difficult at first but you'll get there.

OP you need to make a decision about how you want your life to be going forward. You've seen how the relationship is going to be, now how do you want to move forward?

You can go back to booze, abuse and drama or you can move towards peace and healing. Think about the small child you were OP and do what's right for her. She doesn't need any more of this chaos and pain.

I’m so sorry. But I do think at some point you will look back at this moment as the moment that took you forward into a happy place. You’re through the hardest bit already. You can’t go back to someone who treats you like this. You sound nice and bright - and I think your future will be fab.

Very good advice from @namechange12a. Please read it over and over until it sinks in. Take a screenshot on your phone and have it to hand. The only good thing this man did is force you to leave. It saved your future and is going to give you the chance to heal and have a family with someone else.

OP I've been in your situation so I understand the going back. He'll swear it won't happen again and you'll believe him because he's telling you the truth in that moment. But it will happen again. And again. And again. Is that really what you see as your future? Do you not want a happy home? Children? Security? All you're doing at the moment is wasting your best years on a scumbag.

Don't waste any more of your life on this man. You don't love him; you're addicted to the drama. If he threatens suicide - and he shouldn't be getting near enough to threaten anything because you should have blocked him! But if he does - that's his prerogative and not your responsibility. Let him do what the bloody hell he wants - to himself!

Him kicking you out might be a blessing in disguise. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Collect your stuff and walk away. I was with a man similar. He was so lovely when sober and a complete asshole when drunk which was 2-3 days a week. It ruined everything. Best thing I did was walk away! You deserve better and one day you’ll realise it! 🌸

why I find it difficult to cut myself off. I struggle with the latter. Logically I know what to do but emotionally I find it very difficult thing to achieve

Years ago, when I was in precisely the same situation as you, OP, I felt exactly the same. Couldn't leave. Loved him.

Leaving him, at last, was like resurfacing from being underwater for years. Like taking a long, deep breath of clear, fresh air. Instant, incredible freedom and joy.

It took a lot, lot longer to understand how I'd got to the position where I was - what he'd done to get me there. Looking back now, I can see how I had been undermined, destabilised, criticised, attacked, gaslit and terrorised, and had such a shaky and diminished sense of self preservation and self knowledge that I felt it impossible to leave, that I hardly knew myself, that he knew me better than I knew myself.

Twenty years later, I still have nightmares I wake up from thinking I'm still with him, remembering that sickening, desperate trapped feeling.

Thankfully, I can now turn over and hold onto the man I ended up with - who is supportive, rational, loving, kind and fair.

It honestly is like a nightmare.

You can wake up, though. If you're here and asking these questions it shows that part of you knows that. Part of you remembers how it is to feel safe, and secure, and happy. Part of you knows that better things are possible, that you deserve better. Wishing you well.

Oh, I mean, it is like a nightmare being stuck in an abusive relationship, if that wasn't clear! Not turning over to my lovely OH.

I beg of you, dont go back to this man. Who the hell kicks a woman out at 3am. Hes an alcoholic, violent and doesnt give a hoot about you after begging for your charger and keeping the key in the door.
Stand strong girl. Dont go back please. It will just get worse and is this how you want your life to be. Trust in god, I don't know if you're religious but he has a better plan for you my sweetheart. Please please dont go back to this man. You stand strong. Get help from friends or family. Dont let him know you're in the travel lodge and arrange with the police to go and safely collect your belongings. I hate alcohol. I grew up with alcoholic parents and it was the worst time of my life. Please stay away from him. Block all contact and move forward. We are here to support you. Get hold of your friends and tell them what's been going on. They will help you even if they say I told you so. Get yourself back on your feet with a new home.It might take a while if you dont have savings etc. Never let him know where you are. Block him and try to change your number too. And have your work eject him from the building if he ever rocks up. Best of luck and lots of love xxx

Leaving him, at last, was like resurfacing from being underwater for years. Like taking a long, deep breath of clear, fresh air. Instant, incredible freedom and joy.

I agree. It felt like a physical weight had been lifted off my back.

OP so sorry you are facing this. I'm glad that you got through that night - even though you were not comfortable or safe.

As you decide what you should do for the future:

1. Someone's actions tell you far more than their words.

2.Drink doesn't mask what a person is really like - it shows you a true side of them... though perhaps one they keep hidden.

So what do his actions tell you?
He has not behaved with love - or affection - or even slight care for your safety (sleeping out in a car at that time).

You love him... but sadly, outside of fairy-tales and films, that isn't enough.

While you are with him, you'll never be loved back as you deserve.

Hi lovely. Please don't go back to him. You do not want to bring a child into this and living in constant fear of him getting drunk and anything triggering is no way for you or future children to live.

You're young. Get some counselling and live the best life.

Go to the police explain that you are a victim of domestic violence -press charges -that your partner threw you out of the house at 3am after being violent. Explain the situation ask for a police escort to go and get your stuff. Unfortunately the house is his - so the rights are on his side. He can not damage your stuff -but if he chooses to be an arsehole -he can. Can you talk to his Mum / Dad -on his side and go and rescue your things.

Hugs. But this is not a relationship. This is criminal abuse. Don't live another second like this.

Don’t go back! Rent yourself a little apartment or house and get yourself therapy and sort your life out. You aren’t even really having a proper life with this guy! You want kids but can’t bring any into this situation! He firm. Be brave. Look up codependency.

Call the police and have him done for assault: he was in your face, kicking you and threatening you.

Get your things out while he's with the police.

What were your past relationships like? Where they similar or the same? If not then you must know this is not love.

This isn’t meant to come across as nasty, just truthful, if you’ve gone back twice and would do a third time then there just isn’t helping people like you. You can’t help people who won’t help themselves.