Was kicked out of the house at 3AM on Saturday

[MiamiBeach104]

Hello ladies,

My partner kicked me out of the house on Saturday at 3AM in the morning. At first I thought I might just wait it through and will talk to him in the morning but then he gave me 9min to pick up my things and get out. I said let me do it in the morning. He started threatening to throw my things away through the window. He was kicking my legs and grabbing the laptop out of my hands. Thankfully I had my car keys so I jumped in a car and drove off. Spent the night in a car parked on a residential street. (Had to pee in a plastic box that was inside the car and then wait for the places to open up in the morning so I could relieve myself). Throughout all this time I was hoping he will come to his sense and I'll be back and we'll talk it through. But this didn't happen. I have to work tomorrow (thankfully still from home as I would have no clothes) so was running around to find a laptop charger so I can work (I took Fri and today off expecting to spend some time with him as my work is demanding). I texted him if I can come back to take my things. At least a charger as it was a struggle to find one. He opened the door, said no and closed the door in front of me. I tried unlocking the door but I think he had the key in from inside.

We were together for more than 5years. I tried getting out of the relationship twice now. The main issue is he gets drunk and gets abusive. He wouldn't do these things to me when sober. However, when drunk it can be anything that would set him off (dishwasher on). I would usually get into protective mode just trying to get through it and keep it peaceful as much as I can. Do whatever he wants me to do, listen to his silly stories, go out for a smoke with him, be nice and obedient to keep him entertained. On Saturday at around 1:30 I just couldn't do this anymore. I started pouring alcohol down the sink (I probably shouldn't have done it but my body started trembling, it's almost like I had some sort of pannick attack) and that's when it all kicked off. I tried to convince him to talk about it in the morning but he just got into emotional abuse and eventually physical as well.

So I booked myseld into Travelodge until Sat morning (thankfully it didn't happened during the lockdown) and just thinking now what to do. I know I need to deliver on my work commitments but apart from that I'm lost.

I'm even afraid to talk to friends as they were so negative about me getting back to me (I had a flat sorted and all on the 2nd time I left).

What the most annoying thing is that I love him and if he would tell me that he wants me back I would probably would get back. I understand what he did to me was absolutely wrong. It probably show that I have esteem issues. Why would I let him keep on doing this to me. Or is it the victim's mentality that I have (he said this to me many times).

Other than that I have good job, 33 yr old and I am in a decent place financially as well. No kids (I want to have kids one day)

My ex used to be lock me out of the house. It was so degrading but it gave him the ultimate power kick.

You are 33, you want children...you are wasting your time. It is time you need to move away from this man, he does not have any respect for you.

I truthfully never thought I'd be able to stay away from my ex partner & some days are much harder than others, well, hours, because the feeling of loving the idea of him comes & goes frequently. But someone on here recommended the online book "Why does he do that?" It has helped me so much! Also look up trauma bonding, that feeling of closeness & the physical need to go back to someone that hurts you is such a confusing feeling, understanding trauma bonding helped too. And posting on here, just like you did, as you can go back and read it in black & white instead of brushing over or normalising it in your head when you start to miss him

I guess I just have to remember myself having to pee in a box inside of a car at 4 am in the morning. When the sun was out I drove to the local green area (big green field) so that people don't get suspicious of someone sleeping in the car outside their house (thankfully back windows are darkened). I went near the local pond to dispose of the content. Unfortunately had to go again one more time. I could have tried finding the bushes but didn't feel safe enough to look for something that I could hide myself in properly. And all of the time waiting for places to open to use the toilet for no 2 (it was Sunday). I should remember this when thinking of going back to him :(((

@Redcups64 when I look back I don't think I ever had happy relationship. My boyfriend at University cheated on me with his ex and then I still agreed to help him with thesis. After that I had another boyfriend for 3 years who never told me he had a wife he has not divorced and a kid. And now this.. it's almost like I unconsciously think I don't deserve anything better.

I think I'm good enough looking, stay fit, I think my character is ok and I'm doing well enough career wise. I keep on looking what is wrong with me because on the paper things look ok.

This man is no good for you AND most certainly not the father you want to give your children.

When you find it hard to believe that you are worth better, think instead of what these (as yet unborn) vulnerable beings deserve, and waste no more time on him.

Your history with men might just be bad luck but it might be that you have in mind a 'type' and keep moving towards this kind of man.

Perhaps in the future you need to be more experimental and to deliberately choose friendship and company of those who don't attract you for your usual reasons?

Anyway, I suggest that you set up on your own for a while, and allow yourself to enjoy your own (very good) company for a while.

Care for yourself in the way you have cared for others.

Then, in the future, don't accept anything less from anyone else!

*No kids (I want to have kids one day)

Please don't tell me you're thinking of doing that with this basket case, and that you're using contraception...

Inflicting an abusive/alcoholic parent on a child in the hope of it being a catalyst for change in a relationship always ends the same way.

You have the answer . Remember having to pee in a bottle at 4 am , because this person that is meant to love and care for you , kicked you out without so much as a backward glance . Anything could have happened to you .
Just think , if you have a daughter one day , would you be happy to know this is what she had to deal with . I’m sure you would hate it , it’s appalling behaviour.
You have one life , once time has passed you can never get it back . Do you want to be in this same situation in years to come , be kind to yourself and walk away . He’s a nasty drunk , that isn’t going to change .
I agree with other pp’s , please don’t even consider having a baby with this man . The damage that is inflicted on the children of alcoholic parents lasts a lifetime . It would be the biggest mistake you ever made if you decided on that path , for you and the child .

@MiamiBeach104

I guess I just have to remember myself having to pee in a box inside of a car at 4 am in the morning. When the sun was out I drove to the local green area (big green field) so that people don't get suspicious of someone sleeping in the car outside their house (thankfully back windows are darkened). I went near the local pond to dispose of the content. Unfortunately had to go again one more time. I could have tried finding the bushes but didn't feel safe enough to look for something that I could hide myself in properly. And all of the time waiting for places to open to use the toilet for no 2 (it was Sunday). I should remember this when thinking of going back to him :(((

Yes! I was going to write this ^^ to you. How degrading to be put in a position not only to have to sleep in your car, but to relieve yourself in a plastic box in your car. How unsafe and sad you must have felt.

Now, be grateful you didn't also have children in the car with you. How MUCH worse that would have been?

Seriously, OP, are you not worth FAR more than this? Please make this the last time you return to him, or anyone similar in the future for more punishment, because this will destroy any self esteem you have left. It will eat away at your personal confidence and affect your work and put you in a further downward spiral.

You have clarity around the situation - now take positive action to protect yourself.

• Call the police to help you get your stuff back.
• Put stuff in storage if necessary whilst you look for somewhere permanent to stay.
• Block and delete him on all platforms incl your phone to reduce the risk of being drawn back
• change any passwords on any account he may be aware of
• send his email to your spam/junk folder and if possible set a date for them to automatically delete.
• Focus on your job: delivering promptly and to a professional standard. Work will help you so much if you make it a priority for now.
• reconnect with your friends and people who care for you.
• get some decent therapy to help strengthen you for the journey ahead.

You sound strong so you know you CAN do this. Just don't let yourself be derailed.

Loving him really is not enough if this is not truly reciprocated and if there is no true respect (and self-respect) on both sides.

Good luck OP. 🌹

be nice and obedient to keep him entertained

That’s an awful way to exist OP, glad you’re away from him. Never go back!! Hope you manage to get your belongings

Hello @MiamiBeach104

I hope you are doing OK and managed to retrieve your stuff from your exPartner's flat? Have you found somewhere suitable to live now? 🌹

Tell your friends because Hun , you need a reality check. This man is horrible for you .

How are you op.

So you had an alcoholic father and want to have kids with an alcoholic man?

Knowing how you grew up, this is an actual choice for you? To bring children into an environment with an abusive alcoholic?

If you don’t want to have children with an alcoholic, the recommendations here will help you.

As well as remembering how you had to pee in a tub in your car, remind yourself of the fact that you want children and you don’t want to have to change a baby in the same circumstances. Or cuddle your child asleep in the back seat at 4am after being violently thrown out of your home.

You got this