Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF wants to propose...is it too soon?

67 replies

[AUTO]n8df3kcudubf4 · 20/07/2020 12:09

A little history. My boyfriend (42) and I (38) have been friends for almost 25 years. We met as teens and were fast friends. We didn't date as teens (there was VERY mutual attraction and a bond, wanted but I was afraid it would ruin our friendship). He moved out of town at age 23 and though we kept in touch, we moved on with our lives. I ended up getting married and we had 3 children. I was unhappy in my marriage from very early on and ultimately decided to leave in January of 2020. My now bf had split from his longtime gf of 13 years just prior to that. We started connecting again and by April he had asked me to date him. He still lives 4 hours away but I didn't want to miss the chance with him again. I had VERY strong feelings for him years ago and they got even stronger. I have been lucky to be working from home during COVID which has allowed me to travel to his place and stay with him during my week without the kids (I have exact 50/50 with my ex) and since April my bf and I have faces baby mama drama from his ex, him being laid off because of COVID, financial issues, child adjustments, all sorts of things. It honestly feels like we have been dating for years now and life just keeps throwing stuff at us and we seem to become stronger as a couple each time. Now, fast forward to this last week. I went out to visit and had one of my 3 kids with me (he lives in a small flat so there is simply not room for him, me, my 3 kids and his 2 kids all at the same time) and over the evening he had a few beers and decided to tell me he's going to propose and even told me he has a ring! He had no recollection of the conversation the next day either (so I didn't bring it up) LOL

Is it too soon? I don't feel like it is. Everything feels so unbelievably right....and most of all, I love him. I love him in a way I have never loved any and especially not my ex...but I'm also very concerned about how others will take such a fast engagement. I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel I've lost any sound judgment. Of course, it would also be a LONG engagement because I am not legally divorced yet. But he also let it slip that's what he wants because it would be his first marriage and he wants an intimate wedding where we can really take time and plan every detail to make it amazing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 12:17

Yes, it's too soon. You just left your marriage and you are still in the throes of rose-coloured new love. Take it easy and allow the relationship to progress without pressure.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/07/2020 12:17

Baby mama drama?

He was with her for 13 years and she's the mother of his child/children. Would you like it if your ex's new girlfriend referred to you as 'baby mama'? And I presume that his COVID redundancy has meant financial difficulties for her as she raises and houses his children. So cut that out, I'd say, really.

Secondly. He's just been cut loose by his ex, has a tiny flat. You've got the ready-made set up with presumably a divorce settlement to come and a family home? Well, I'd say, you bet he wants to get married Grin

Yes, it's too soon. It's too soon for any of it really - your children have only just been through the break up of their family, then had lockdown bussed over to the flat of a man they don't know.

But an engagement means nothing. So go ahead. It's the kind of thing people do when they are rushing into things to try and sort bigger issues in their lives. Fuss and faff over rings and planning 'amazing' weddings instead of focusing on much, much harder but more important stuff like your children's needs in the immediate aftermath of their family break up.

Don't let him move in.

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/07/2020 12:20

How can he be "going to" propose? If he's told you; he already has 🙄
There are no words for the baby mama drama bollocks. She's the mother of his children.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 12:20

Also, he only had a "few beers" but the next day couldn't remember what he said just the night before? Hmm

Red flag.

baileys6904 · 20/07/2020 12:24

Youve been dating him 3 months...

i feel i need to say that again....

youve been dating him 3 months......

why are you even introducing your kids to him???

BlueBirdGreenFence · 20/07/2020 12:25

I got engaged after 12 weeks. Married in another 12. I am definitely a fan of when you know, you know and romantic whirlwinds. But romantic whirlwinds and going with your gut isn't acceptable when kids are involved. You need to move at a pace acceptable for them to cope with and not just dump a new step father on them. Tbh I think moving in together any less than 18 months/2 years is too soon in this scenario, never mind marriage.

Aerial2020 · 20/07/2020 12:27

This sounds like escapism. For both of you.

FlashesOfRage · 20/07/2020 12:28

Both of you are extremely caught up in the idealised vision of the other that you’ve had decades to create.

You need to wait long enough to see the cracks. Neither of you will yet be over your break ups and both of you are viewing the other in comparison to your ex partners.

Slow down.

KeepingPlain · 20/07/2020 12:30

Yeah it's too soon. If you have to ask, it's too soon.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/07/2020 12:30

Fuck yes, it's too soon. Ffs

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/07/2020 12:32

Have you got more money and a bigger house than he has?

Dontbeme · 20/07/2020 12:33

So he has lost his job, has financial issues and kids to provide for and he thought it would be a great idea to piss his money away on an engagement ring?

You knew each other a lifetime ago, you will both have changed since you were teens, take time to get to know each other as adults, and don't have him move into your house and no helping with his financial issues, they are his to solve.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/07/2020 12:37

Just be careful OP. Not only now, but also in the future. There is a particular group of men out there who target financially dependant women. It would make me suspicious if he proposed 3 months into the relationship.

Lillygolightly · 20/07/2020 12:38

On the one hand there is no actual commitment in an engagement and I get that at this early point it would be lovely and romantic. It is however not practical and I fear for the feeling of the children on both sides. You also have to aware if the fact that you are both recently out of long relationship and that fact alone can make people steam roll ahead to quickly in new relationships.

I would also see the fact that he says he doesn’t remember what you discussed the night before as a big red flag. I mean he may well be kicking himself that he spiked the surprise, but he could just as equally be back tracking having got a bit mushy and soppy after a few drinks.

If the relationship is good and you feel you would actually entertain the prospect of marriage with him then I would do the following. I wouldn’t mention the engagement/proposal conversation and would frankly treat it as though I never heard it in the first place. I would concentrate on how our lives and families might co exist together in the future. You can be SD happy as a pig in mud right now but that can so easily change as soon as kids and step kids are entered into the mix. Especially where there are kids and blending families involved it sometimes just doesn’t matter how much you love each other or how well you might work as a couple, if you don’t work as a family the marriage won’t work either. Far too many people spend too long pushing against the tide trying to make blended family work and often there is just nothing that you can do.

What he said I’m sure was lovely to hear and I can imagine it’s sent your heart off into a flutter. Enjoy it for what it is, remember to be cautious and bring yourself back down to earth.

Lillygolightly · 20/07/2020 12:39

Confused ) he might be kicking himself that he spoiled the surprise. Not that he spiked it Blush

SleepingStandingUp · 20/07/2020 12:42

You've been dating 3 months during a world wide pandemic, how many times has he met your kids, have you met his, have thry met each other?

How are all the kids dealing with the split?

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/07/2020 12:42

It sounds like you’re putting a hell of a lot of your time, effort and dare I say, money into helping him with his very many issues - I’m not surprised he wants to make sure you feel like sticking around to keep doing it and a flash proposal is the easiest way on earth to do that. You’ll invite him to move into your nice big house because you’re engaged, he’ll have his feet well and truly under the table and all he had to do was tell you he loved you like no one else before and then let you spend years planning the amazing wedding which he doesn’t actually have to - and actually can’t, because you’re still married - go through with.

Three months is no time, even for somebody you feel like you’ve known forever because you were schoolfriends. Why the need to rush everything? If you’re star-crossed lovers now then you still will be in a year or so’s time when you and your DC have had a chance to properly get over the family breakdown.

FootInBothShoes · 20/07/2020 12:42

This sounds like escapism. For both of you.

This.

noimkaren · 20/07/2020 13:02

Too much, too soon. Give yourself some physical and mental space. Put your children first and let everyone adjust. Sort out your divorce situation and reappraise in 6 months( do you still want to see him or is he a comfy rebound?) Do the same in 12 months. In 18 months you can start planning your future. I bet it won't be with him. Without outing, I'm a divorce lawyer and it's always a nightmare when your client insists on the new boyfriend/girlfriend (who popped up just at the point when the finances are being sorted) being in on all the financial discussions because they're in this together/forever. Always, always, always a bad move. I used to get round it by pointing out that the third wheel wasn't entitled to information about the other party's finances...& then having a Jolly Good Talk to the client.More recently, I just say the magic word geedeepeeaah. The JGT still works.

noimkaren · 20/07/2020 13:04

PS keep your cards in your purse, your check book closed and NEVER offer to bail him out. If you can't say 'no', keep telling him you're bit short and can't manage it. Cocklodger alert. With bells on.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/07/2020 13:07

Yes sorry OP but my immediate thought was wannabee cocklodger too.

Mainly beccause he never married the mother of his kids who he was with for 13 years yet is so keen to marry you after 3 months.

You know what they say on mumsnet Grin
No-one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

user1493494961 · 20/07/2020 13:10

Agree with noimkaren.

SimonJT · 20/07/2020 13:16

Far too soon. We’ve been together since last April, and we have been living together since the start of lockdown. If he asked me to marry him I would probably run straight down to the registration office, but that would be the wrong thing to do.

There are so many practical and non-romantic things to discuss before you marry someone, how will joint finances be managed, how will you manage savings going forward. Then there is the fact that I have a son so he has to be the priority in any decision that has an impact on him.

You’ve been together three months, you’re not even divorced, his children aren’t anywhere near coming to terms with their parents split. We hadn’t even had sex at three months nevermind introducing my son etc.

User50000999788887876655 · 20/07/2020 13:19

This is a giant huge massive red flag. Don’t move him in, don’t marry him yet. Baby mama drama? Also I mean come on!

Just date each other.

SandyY2K · 20/07/2020 13:31

So he's forgotten he proposed? His seriously can you take him.

Too soon even if he could remember IMO.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread