BF wants to propose...is it too soon?

[[AUTO]n8df3kcudubf4]

A little history. My boyfriend (42) and I (38) have been friends for almost 25 years. We met as teens and were fast friends. We didn't date as teens (there was VERY mutual attraction and a bond, wanted but I was afraid it would ruin our friendship). He moved out of town at age 23 and though we kept in touch, we moved on with our lives. I ended up getting married and we had 3 children. I was unhappy in my marriage from very early on and ultimately decided to leave in January of 2020. My now bf had split from his longtime gf of 13 years just prior to that. We started connecting again and by April he had asked me to date him. He still lives 4 hours away but I didn't want to miss the chance with him again. I had VERY strong feelings for him years ago and they got even stronger. I have been lucky to be working from home during COVID which has allowed me to travel to his place and stay with him during my week without the kids (I have exact 50/50 with my ex) and since April my bf and I have faces baby mama drama from his ex, him being laid off because of COVID, financial issues, child adjustments, all sorts of things. It honestly feels like we have been dating for years now and life just keeps throwing stuff at us and we seem to become stronger as a couple each time. Now, fast forward to this last week. I went out to visit and had one of my 3 kids with me (he lives in a small flat so there is simply not room for him, me, my 3 kids and his 2 kids all at the same time) and over the evening he had a few beers and decided to tell me he's going to propose and even told me he has a ring! He had no recollection of the conversation the next day either (so I didn't bring it up) LOL

Is it too soon? I don't feel like it is. Everything feels so unbelievably right....and most of all, I love him. I love him in a way I have never loved any and especially not my ex...but I'm also very concerned about how others will take such a fast engagement. I don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel I've lost any sound judgment. Of course, it would also be a LONG engagement because I am not legally divorced yet. But he also let it slip that's what he wants because it would be his first marriage and he wants an intimate wedding where we can really take time and plan every detail to make it amazing.

Far too soon!

Hmmm. So his ex, who he very recently broke up with, was good enough to live with for 13 years, and to have three children with. But she wasn't good enough for him to propose or plan an intimate
wedding with? You are both on the rebound. You've been playing "happy families" without the actual families for a few weeks during an abnormal situation. Every flag here is screaming that you probably shouldn't marry him ever, and you want to know if it's too soon?

Way too soon - of course you know him well after all these years but I think you should take your time. You’re not even free to marry anyway so whats the rush? You need to give yourself headspace to be sure its what you want and you have kids to consider. Its a worry he’s bought a ring when he has lost his job. I think him saying baby mama is a bit offensive about the mother of his child.

Someone might correct me on this but "baby mama" is a term used to describe a lady who has a baby with you after a short fling/one night stand isn't it? Not a long standing partner of 13 years. How disrespectful to call her that.

3 months is no time at all. You only left your husband in January. You have children, please think about the impact this could be having on them. And having come out of a divorce then been taken in by a cock-lodger of the highest order, I can promise you that you need to be careful of someone who proposes this soon.

I too think it’s too soon. I know you have know him for years but a lot has happened in between times. Also you both have children, you have said his ex is a pain and lockdown isn’t really real life is it? I split from my husband, started dating a friend a few months later. But lived on my own for 1.5 years, enjoyed some time on my own and sorted my divorce. We subsequently lived together and now 5 years later are buying a house together. There is no rush

You really need to chill out!
3 months in and all this.
He has no job, how is he supporting his DC?
How will he contribute his share towards his living costs if you live together?
Where would you both live?
You are 4 hours away.
He has his kids and you have yours and I assume that the other parent is in each of your location.
How old are your DC?
Do you want to uproot them?
Do you want to mess them up by introducing them to another father figure a few months after spitting from their father.
Please just take a minute - re-read your post as if one your DC (daughter if possible) was writing it.
What would your advice be?
Because this is fantastical madness!

He has two children with an ex gf of 13 years - who you have now relegated to a 'baby mama'?

Is that how you'd like to be described?

Man with no job and tiny shitty flat wants to propose to woman with nice house and job who'll probably help parent his DC

Yes that sounds ABSOLUTELY FINE OP

Grobagsforever

Innit though?

I'm sorry but I agree with most on here. Out of interest, how would he see his children on a regular basis if he moved 4-hrs away to live with you and your children? The logistics of this set up would be almost impossible to crack. I'm also a bit concerned that your children are so involved with him already after such a short time. Deep breath, forget any talk of engagement /moving in and be patient.

Too soon, but why rush anyway? I'm a year ahead of year break up wise and I'm certainly not ready yet (though I'm at the point of house shopping with dp) that said proposing isn't remarrying. I want to be a year legally divorced (I haven't done the paperwork yet) before we decide, but it would then be quick as no point waiting then.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

Have you got more money and a bigger house than he has?

Exactly what I was thinking. I am seeing red flags all over this.

Red flags everywhere.

Put up the bunting, its national red flag day on red flags' street in Redflagstown.

Seriously op come on now. You barely know this guy. And he proposes then 'forgets'. At best he is a cocklodger to be. At worst, a love bombing narcissist.

OP, I'm in the same situation as you with having got together with a friend of over 25 years (but minus the proposal or ex problems, mine doesn't have children).

I would say that knowing someone for 25 years is not the same as having been with them for 25 years. I am discovering new things about my boyfriend all the time (been together since April 2019): the way he communicates, how he deals with problems, things you just wouldn't know without being in a relationship.

If he proposes soon, I would tell him that things are amazing, but you have recently left a marriage and you'd like to take more time just being together first.

Do people really say ‘baby mama’ - outside of American reality tv?!

Of course it’s too soon..

Laying it out:

• You’re both just out of relationships (rebound anyone?)

• This man has no job (does he have savings to live on?)

• This man has 3 children to pay for.

• He lives 4 hours away (presumably where his children live / go to school..?)

• You have 2 children who recently went through their parents splitting up and you’ve already got another bloke on the scene who you’re considering marrying!

It's not real until the ring is in his hand, it's all talk and when he's drunk it even less serious
I wouldn't believe it's really going to happen any time soon anyway but if it did then yes of course it's too soon, you may of known of him for a long time but it's different being in an actual relationship and getting to know if you really want this yet.

WAY too soon WAY WAY too soon!

You're both living in dream land!

The kids shouldn't even be remotely involved at this stage beyond knowing you're dating someone.

The first 12-18 months hormones cloud judgment you've rose tinted glasses on!

Wait! Slow it right down and get some perspective

Do people really say ‘baby mama’ - outside of American reality tv?!

People say baby daddy even over here. Guess it's just changed to include women now too. I hate both terms.

@Dollyrocket yep it is used in the UK. It’s particularly popular in London from experience

OP, whilst it is lovely you feel happy and connected, if your friend told you this, what would your advice to her be? Mine would be hold onto your horses!!!
You are moving along at warp speed here. Slow down a little and take in your surroundings. Do some 'due diligence' in terms of both your circumstances, your family situations, your finances.
Maybe do a 'chemistry' session with some of your children in a blended situation as this, potentially, will be your Christmas/Easter/ birthdays for ever more.

Love is really great, but often it is not enough when you have other conflicting circumstances or people in the mix.

Did you reconnect before or after you decided you had never been happy with the man you chose to father 3 children?

Grow up, both of you, you have DC to consider.

Baby mama? FFS.

Yes all too soon and so many issues/red flags. Don't plonk your kids in another family situation too soon. But in most cases when people on here ask questions like this, they get told to back off and think of the kids and it falls on deaf ears....especially when terms such as 'Baby mama' are bandied around. Sounds all very immature and fantastical.

With kids involved it's way too soon. Luckily though, from reading your posts he is all talk anyway and hopefully nothing legally binding will come of it.

Sorry op, if there were no kids involved that would be different. With kids and a recent marriage breakup, you've other things to think about.