Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Left when he was supposed to have baby, brought it on myself?

72 replies

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 07:20

I just need some advice. I have a 4 month old baby with someone who lives a few hundred miles away. He's currently driving back and forth weekly to spend time with baby. We're not in the best place in our relationship right now but we're trying to get on to parent at least. There's a lot that has happened that I don't want to get into but involved other women etc. Baby is currently going through sleep regression and I'm on my knees with hourly wake ups. He came to 'help' and do a night with our baby. We've been having some issues and he doesn't like me to bring them up over the phone so I brought them up when he was here. He literally started packing his stuff, he said he's going back home(doubt it he probably has something or someone up here but anyway) he was going home because I made him feel uncomfortable?! He said he was going home to teach me a lesson. I'm honestly gobsmacked. The one night I had to myself and he's left. Our baby has injections this week and he said he couldn't come up to help as its his mums birthday??? He gets so upset when I tell him he's not doing enough as a parent, but he hasn't helped through any injections. This would of been my first full nights sleep. I'm just shocked he left, he told me I did this, and I hate consequences of my own actions. Where do I go from here? I hate the feeling of having to rely on him for his drips but I'm literally alone. And I'm so so so tired

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 20/07/2020 07:27

I'm going to be a little harsh here. You decided to have a baby with someone who lives a few hundred miles away. Forget the fact the relationship is bad but how did you actually expect co-parenting to work?

You either need to move close to each other, or you need to accept at the moment baby is your responsibility.

As for how you move on - you have to agree to parent together but have no romantic relationship or the fights that come with a bad relationship.

For now. Forget waste of space partner. Do you have a family member or best friend who might come and help you out so you can get a bit of sleep? Build your network of people who care.

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 07:32

I hear what you're saying but he actually moved away early pregnancy for a better job. I wasn't happy about this and he was due to come back here. I now think he's using Covid as an excuse to stay away longer

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 20/07/2020 07:33

you need to find someone local who actually supports you a friend or family member?

Its not going to be him if you "can't" speak on the phone and you "can't" speak in person its just as good as him saying shut the fuck up woman because he isn't dealing with it

Azerothi · 20/07/2020 07:35

How long had you been dating before you decided to have a baby with him?

user1493413286 · 20/07/2020 07:35

I think he’s just shown his true colours; you are not a child and he doesn’t get to do things to “teach you a lesson”

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 07:38

We were together 18 months before we had the baby. It's like a switch has been flicked. Baby wasn't planned but things happen and we decided to give it a go. All through pregnancy he was excellent, now we have the baby here it's like a completely different man

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 20/07/2020 08:03

I am sorry but the amount of people on here in rocky relationships who
'accidently' happened to get pregnant? These days it is quite easy to avoid getting pregnant if you want to.
The switched that 'flicked' is I agree him showing his true colours and not wanting to get tied down.

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 08:23

Did you not just read the relationship wasn't rocky until baby got here?

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 20/07/2020 08:53

Having read your update I feel very sorry for you. It sounds lime ge panicked and ran away.

Let him go.

You have the most beautiful gift from him. You can do this on your own. It will be hard. At the moment it's very hard but it will get easier. Build up your friends around you. You will need them. Write off the waste of space partner. He is the one missing out on the baby.

Get all the financial support you can from him.

You can do this. Sleep when baby sleeps. Sod the housework. Do what you need to do to get through this. Tell him it's over. Let him walk away because at the moment he's just bringing you stress and upset.

As lockdown lifts things will get easier. You have had a rough start. But now you will fly with no baggage. Good luck.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 09:53

I wouldn't bother with trying to have a relationship with him.

However his responsibilities as a father are something else entirely.

Is your child maintenance arranged? You may be best to go through official channels in case he proves equally flaky and avoidant in paying that.

Same withh his access/time with his child ... It was his decision to move away from his child's mother and child donuts up to him to make the arrangements to see spend time with them and do some (minimal!) caring for them; whether that's by paying for accommodation (suitable for staying in with a baby) nearby during his visits, or perhaps you could vacate your home and stay with family/friend during his access. That would be more practical and keep baby in their home environment with all baby stuff convenient.

At the moment he's bearing no consequences for the child you've had together, and you are "on your knees".

Set that out, don't let him get say with it ant further, don't make him seeing and caring for his child dependant on/linked to seeing you or being in a relationship with you. It's far too easy for him to do what he's doing "we not "getting on", so I'm offski and you can do all the feeds, sleepless nights every night of the week while I go home to chill"

Separate the two.

I believe he still won't step up but it will be made abundantly clear to everyone that he's not doing so and you can record when he sees baby, for how long, what he does etc in black and white .. for both yourself/him and cm.apolication.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 09:54

*so it's up to him

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 09:58

Keep in mind that cm depends on overnights. Nothing counts to reduce his cm but overnights.

Apply for it if you haven't and record every overnight he does.

Don't let him drag you back to "help" with baby when he has access.

If you're breastfeeding, can you express and leave bottles in fridge for him.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 10:00

No doubt he'll get a lot more lovey dovey and make more effort when he realises he's going to have to step up (on his own) but it won't last.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 10:07

He came to 'help' and do a night with our baby. We've been having some issues and he doesn't like me to bring them up over the phone so I brought them up when he was here. He literally started packing his stuff, he said he's going back home

Putting everything else to one side for a minute, this is kind of your own doing. If you were "so so tired" and your main focus was catching up on sleep then that's exactly what you should have done, not tried discussing issues or anything else.

Yes, in an ideal world he should be doing more but I doubt you were under any illusions when you decided to have this baby that the role of primary caregiver would inevitably be falling to you. No one really prepares you for how hard a baby will be, so there is that... but you're just going to have to make the best of it now. It will start to get easier as time goes on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2020 10:09

Set up child support officially. Lean on anyone you like and trust locally. Don’t expect anything from him. He’s a useless, cruel, manipulative cheat from the sounds of things. You don’t need him. Your daughter needs you and you’re doing a good job. The 4 month sleep regression is an utter bastard. Do whatever you have to to get through. It WILL get easier, I promise it will.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 10:10

I know it sounds harsh but reading this as an outsider it seems clear that you're a single mother already .. he's made you a single mother already. It's just not official yet.

He's taken a "better" job he didn't absolutely have to take and moved hundreds of miles away from you, he's making flaky excuses for not spending time with you and your child (he could've combined staying for part of his mum's birthday with seeing you, he could have met her separately, given his present and card before he left, he could've wished her happy birthday via Skype/WhatsApp/facetime etc., It's an excuse), he's acting shittily and when you broach his shitty behaviour with him, he's blowing that up to stomp.out on you and your child, leave and do nothing.

You are a single mother.
He doesn't want to be in a partnership and coparent (equally or at all) with you, he's running away, he's selfish and irresponsible and no integrity.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 10:12

this is kind of your own doing. If you were "so so tired" and your main focus was catching up on sleep then that's exactly what you should have done, not tried discussing issues or anything else.

Oh FFS.

When someone's on their knees and the person who's not stepping up at all is finally in their vicinity, they're supposed to be a discrete Saint a d not let anything leak out. Only a robot would be able to do that.

Soubriquet · 20/07/2020 10:13

He’s gaslighting you

He didn’t want to do it really using you as excuse not to

He’s a waste of space

Hailtomyteeth · 20/07/2020 10:17

Definitely ditch him.

He's going to 'teach you a lesson' is he? Fuck him. March him out of your life right now. He can see the baby for supervised access when it's convenient for you. If he doesn't turn up, that's his lookout. Set up your life so you don't need his input.

Currently, you're thinking of a cute mummy and daddy lovingly co-parenting - but like a lot of us you chose the wrong man for that.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 10:21

*He’s gaslighting you

He didn’t want to do it really using you as excuse not to*

Agree 100%.

He's not stepping up.

When you broach him not stepping up, he uses it as an excuse to leave.

He doesn't want to be a daddy,not a live in one, and apparently not even a live-out one either. He can't be arsed but knows it makes him look like a bastard so he's dragging things out in this farce. He no doubt wants you to end the relationship so he can say it was you, and not look like the bad guy.

Both techniques are older than the pyramids (though people are still stupid enough to believe them esp if it's their son/brother/new boyfriend who's acting like this).

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/07/2020 10:32

You broaching the subject of not stepping up gave him the perfect get out clause. I also think you’re already a single mum.

holrosea · 20/07/2020 10:58

He’s gaslighting you. He didn’t want to do it really and is using you as excuse not to.

I believe that @soubriquet hit the nail on the head here. Whatever the status of the relationship (dead in the water, in my opinion) he was there to co-parent and to facilitate a night's sleep.

He could have easily said "I know we have things to discuss but get some sleep first" and still helped you out. He just didn't want to.

He sounds like he is doing the very bare minimum (and doing it badly) so that you eventually say (for the sake of your sanity) "I've had enough, pay CM and we need a formal custody agreement" so that he can then tell the world how he has a kid but horrible, nasty, crazy-ex mum stops him from seeing her.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 11:03

@GilbertMarkham

this is kind of your own doing. If you were "so so tired" and your main focus was catching up on sleep then that's exactly what you should have done, not tried discussing issues or anything else.

Oh FFS.

It's not about being a saint, it's just prioritising needs. He's clearly an arse, but if you need to sleep then take the opportunity and sleep

Greenkit · 20/07/2020 11:19

Tell him to get fucked...

Then stop chasing him, calling, replying to messages.

Get on with bringing your baby up the best way you can.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, so you don't feel so tired, see if a friend would give you an hour or two rest bite

Savingshoes · 20/07/2020 11:24

After 18 months of dating, you take responsibility of both yours and his actions and become the full time care giver of your child.
You describe yourself as on your knees but have you ever stopped to think about how far you have come/grown?
No sleep, new person to know and love, handling injections and then the unwell baby after the injections... all by yourself?
Perhaps he feels redundant or intimidated by your ability to just handle the next stage?
He can't swan in and be the man of the hour if you're highlighting his errors.
Next time he visits, leave him with the baby and telephone him with your frustrations. It's what you've been managing all this time and he can't leave then.

Flip

1 2 3