Left when he was supposed to have baby, brought it on myself?

[tiredoflife2020]

I just need some advice. I have a 4 month old baby with someone who lives a few hundred miles away. He's currently driving back and forth weekly to spend time with baby. We're not in the best place in our relationship right now but we're trying to get on to parent at least. There's a lot that has happened that I don't want to get into but involved other women etc. Baby is currently going through sleep regression and I'm on my knees with hourly wake ups. He came to 'help' and do a night with our baby. We've been having some issues and he doesn't like me to bring them up over the phone so I brought them up when he was here. He literally started packing his stuff, he said he's going back home(doubt it he probably has something or someone up here but anyway) he was going home because I made him feel uncomfortable?! He said he was going home to teach me a lesson. I'm honestly gobsmacked. The one night I had to myself and he's left. Our baby has injections this week and he said he couldn't come up to help as its his mums birthday??? He gets so upset when I tell him he's not doing enough as a parent, but he hasn't helped through any injections. This would of been my first full nights sleep. I'm just shocked he left, he told me I did this, and I hate consequences of my own actions. Where do I go from here? I hate the feeling of having to rely on him for his drips but I'm literally alone. And I'm so so so tired

look it's hard having a new born, I do get it. But you have to see that you are a single parent. Stop thinking that this man is any part of the baby's life. Sort out CMS so you have some money and then parent on your own. Build up whatever support network you need.

I've done a new born on my own. I know how relentless it is. I know how hard the lack of sleep is. But you need to stop thinking that this man will step up, will help you, will do anything. And then it's a bit easier actually.

He is not your partner. He is not parenting. He's just the father and should pay up. Sorry to be harsh.

It does get easier. The no sleep phase ends.

@Treacletoots

Oh that made me laugh!

I simply said that a parent does not require help for a child's injections.

Nothing about added support, nothing about the dads partying, nothing about any other part of the situation.

Just referred to the injections.

It you feel you need help with a simple set of injections and a grumpy baby for a couple of days then parenting will be a tough ride.

You have no idea how you would have coped being the sole carer of a baby from newborn 24/7 with no emotional support from a partner.

Your DH works full time and works away sometimes. We get that. He is also presumably not an arsehole, supportive of you and a present father who is willing to share, and capable of sharing, equal parental responsibilities when you are both in the same place at the same time.

Bit different to OP, no? Again - you have no idea how you would have coped doing it solo from day one. Hopefully people wouldn't have suggested you aren't a capable mother for struggling because I don't know many people who say such flippantly nasty things.

Anyone with any sense has responded to the OP's predicament as a whole, not for inexplicably fixated on the injections.

If she had a partner pulling his weight and she had to go to the injections herself obviously she would have been fine.

She was using it as an example of something she has had to do on top of everything else on her own while being on her knees and sleep deprived.

Maybe you didn't understand that. Or maybe you're just in a bad mood today. I hope you can find a way to be happier in yourself so you don't have to write posts dripping in judgement to feel better

With women like you, who needs misogynists.

Oh that was to @2155User in case it wasn't obvious...

@backseatcookers

As if your post isn't also dripping in judgement?

I am fantastically happy in myself, but I'm a grown up and realise people have differing views, unlike you clearly.

@Treacletoots

What a delight you are.

@Treacletoots

Troll?
Brilliant. You're really giving me my laugh for the day.

[quote 2155User]@backseatcookers

As if your post isn't also dripping in judgement?

I am fantastically happy in myself, but I'm a grown up and realise people have differing views, unlike you clearly. [/quote]
Yes because I was judging you. For being cruel to someone clearly struggling and being a perfectly competent mother who is just struggling at the moment. Baby is safe, fed, loved.

You just felt the need to kick the boot in for some reason and then double down when people mentioned your post sounded nasty. I don't believe that genuinely happy people are unkind to people who haven't done anything wrong. Each to their own.

And I'm perfectly aware people have differing views. I just thought yours was wrong

@backseatcookers

ahh so you're allowed to judge, but you don't want me judging anything?

Right, makes perfect sense.

[quote 2155User]@backseatcookers

ahh so you're allowed to judge, but you don't want me judging anything?

Right, makes perfect sense. [/quote]
Not at all. I said your post was dripping in judgement. It was.

I didn't say you weren't 'allowed' to post it, because we are adults. In fact I said I hoped you find a way to be happier in yourself that you don't feel the need to suggest a new mother on her knees, exhausted, without the support network you have, is not a capable mother.

Yes my post was dripping in judgement of you, because I judge people who are unkind without cause. I don't care if you think thats 'allowed' or not.

And as I said, you have no idea how you'd have coped without a partner when you were a new mum, doing everything 24/7.

Each to their own. Have a nice day

@backseatcookers

So sorry, you implied that judgement was a bad thing, and yet went ahead yourself a judged.

I'm very happy, so happy in fact that I wouldn't even allow space in my brain to get worked up about a child's injections because it really isn't a big deal.

Oh OP I feel for you. DH was fucking awful when DD was born and I was doing everything whilst he stopped for a 10 min cuddle and obligatory social media photo to get some likes. Acknowledge to yourself that you're doing this alone and that's why its so hard. Finding support in other mums really helped me as did calling a spade a spade. Don't allow him to have this weird delusion you're meant to buy into that he's away and heartbroken. He's a useless absence father and you'll feel better and more supported acknowledging that. The 4 month sleep regression is hard! It will pass though. I used the little ones sleep programme online because I couldn't safely cosleep with baby (she was poorly and low birth weight) but if you can that can help to.

His mum is really great, she's been weary of having anyone around due to Covid as she's vulnerable but I'm sure she will be lots of help as soon as this is over.

I really wouldn't rely on this; he's clearly got no real commitment to you, and once it's over there's every chance his DM will follow suit

Given that you'd been together no time at all when the pregnancy happened it's very possible the "better job" was just his way of getting out, something he's underlined by his attitude since including other women, the way he treats you and no doubt much else

I know well what it's like to be on your knees with tiredness when they're small, but fortunately that'll pass, and hopefully with local support you'll be able to enjoy your lovely DC and go right on making a brilliant job of being a single mum

If he isn't motivated to put the best interests of his child first above his nasty and selfish desire to make you suffer, then your relationship is going to fail. I know this from personal experience.

Say you forgive him this time, he can walk out and dump his responsibility to his child whenever he disagrees with you. He will say you are the mother, he was trying to do you a favour etc. but it's all rubbish, he is an equal parent. Your child will grow up thinking men don't have the same parental responsibility and it's all on the mum.

I have to explain to my DCs now that their 'fun' Dad, let's them eat crap and game all day, should do homework and medical appointments etc.

Better to cut your losses now and focus on genuine friends and family.

Aww, diddums, you made him feel uncomfortable. He sounds so immature and you’re handling things on your own well without him holding you back.
Get onto CMS and get something down about him having dd on certain days/ nights.

Your life will get ultimately better when you stop relying on him

Bite the bullet and expect nothing from him. I know it's hard with the sleep, but you will get there. Start to build a support structure around you, look at babysitters, nanny's for a few hours, have a few hours off on a night time for yourself once a week, etc.

[quote 2155User]@backseatcookers

So sorry, you implied that judgement was a bad thing, and yet went ahead yourself a judged.

I'm very happy, so happy in fact that I wouldn't even allow space in my brain to get worked up about a child's injections because it really isn't a big deal. [/quote]
Cool. But OP did get upset about injections because she's on her knees and feeling really low. And you implied she was not a competent mother for that. That's the point. If you can't see you've been unnecessarily nasty to a new mum on this thread that's fine. Enjoy your super happy day!

Sorry you have so little support, OP.
It's so crap that some people expect so much from mothers but so little from fathers.

This thread is on the relationships board which exists for support. It’s not on Aibu which is fight club. Some posters should remember that.

How are you feeling this afternoon @tiredoflife2020? I hope you're ok