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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Left when he was supposed to have baby, brought it on myself?

72 replies

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 07:20

I just need some advice. I have a 4 month old baby with someone who lives a few hundred miles away. He's currently driving back and forth weekly to spend time with baby. We're not in the best place in our relationship right now but we're trying to get on to parent at least. There's a lot that has happened that I don't want to get into but involved other women etc. Baby is currently going through sleep regression and I'm on my knees with hourly wake ups. He came to 'help' and do a night with our baby. We've been having some issues and he doesn't like me to bring them up over the phone so I brought them up when he was here. He literally started packing his stuff, he said he's going back home(doubt it he probably has something or someone up here but anyway) he was going home because I made him feel uncomfortable?! He said he was going home to teach me a lesson. I'm honestly gobsmacked. The one night I had to myself and he's left. Our baby has injections this week and he said he couldn't come up to help as its his mums birthday??? He gets so upset when I tell him he's not doing enough as a parent, but he hasn't helped through any injections. This would of been my first full nights sleep. I'm just shocked he left, he told me I did this, and I hate consequences of my own actions. Where do I go from here? I hate the feeling of having to rely on him for his drips but I'm literally alone. And I'm so so so tired

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 20/07/2020 11:31

You're a single parent. So start to think like one, and if he eventually steps up it will be a bonus.

Don't facilitate anything any more. If he wants to be involved, he'll go to the effort of reaching out to you. Demand an apology before he visits again, and tell him he needs to decide whether he's in or out. If he's in, you need to air your issues, talk through them and move past it for the sake of the baby. He needs to take on some of the hard work and be a parent when he's present, not just a visitor.

I predict he'll decide to be 'out'. Sorry :(

If you're coping financially without him, could you start claiming CM, and use it to pay a night-nanny once a week so you can get some sleep?

Russiandolleyes · 20/07/2020 11:50

Not only has he not helped, he's brought you more problems and worries. If he's making things harder not easier, what is the point of him? A shit man/father is NOT better than no man/father.

SuperlativeScrubs · 20/07/2020 12:14

Ditch him, apply for child maintenance and go to court to arrange access on your own terms. Make sure in the meantime to document any evidence of when he has actually looked after the babe, especially overnight (dates, times, for how long etc) as this will count as evidence if you want primary custody.

Sorry he has been such a shit OP.

2155User · 20/07/2020 12:20

Disagree with most the posters on here.

What did you say to him?

Because if you were over critical and kicked off over nothing then he has every right to walk away.

Also, you want help with your babies injections? Why exactly are you so incapable of doing this yourself? DH works full time and I got no help with the injections but didn't bother me because as a capable mother you should cope.

But, like always on MN, people will automatically support you because you're a woman.

Middersweekly · 20/07/2020 12:22

Obviously the reality of parenthood scared him enough to move 200 miles away for work. He’s lied to you. Given you false promises of becoming a family when in reality he wants a hassle-free single life. Popping over to “help” you once in a blue moon under the guise of him seeing his child when the reality is he’s probably getting a free meal and a bit of sex on the side.
He’s never going to commit to you and your child. As far as a relationship goes cut him off. Only converse with him about your child. Apply for CMS. If he’s giving you no physical support the best you can hope for is financial support. Advocate for yourself. Get some local support set up with family/friends.

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 12:26

It's not that I need help with the injections. He's just very unsettled and even more clingy once has had them. I am a capable mother, I can do it. It just irritates me that he's free to do whatever while I'm stuck at home with an upset baby alone. I will do it alone, but I'm sick of the in and out. I'm sick of having to tread on eggshells so I don't make him feel uncomfortable. I basically came and spoke to him a small told him, some comments he made about me made me feel like I wasn't good enough. He felt attacked. People are correct that he was looking for an excuse to leave.

When he's away he cries over the baby, says how much he misses him and can't sleep when he's not with him. So honestly his behaviour is just mind boggling

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 20/07/2020 12:34

He left because he doesn't give a shit about you. If he did, he would talk and iron out the issues he has caused.

You are a single parent anyway, sleep regression will pass so you may as well go it alone.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:37

When was the decision made for him to take a job hundreds of miles away from where you, your baby and presumably he were previously based?

How much input did you have into that decision?

It's a pretty momentus decision for an expectant/new father to make (presuming he made it before you found out you were pregnant).

The job being "better" should obviously only have been one factor considered; that should have been offset by being based hundreds of miles away from your partner and new baby, with her effectively parenting alone during the week (and that's presuming you are "home" every weekend). Yet it sounds like it wasn't offset by that, if smacks of him legging it/getting himself half out the door tbh.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:38

*presuming he didn't make it before you found out you were pregnant .. and even then he could have reconsidered.

GingerBeverage · 20/07/2020 12:40

When he's away he cries over the baby, says how much he misses him and can't sleep when he's not with him.

That's not normal. He sounds incredibly manipulative. I expect when you're less tired you'll be able to see many other instances of him pulling your strings to do what he wants. The 'can't sleep' without baby thing even sounds as if he's trying to compete with you or minimise your own tiredness.

Practically, who else can help you get some sleep? Does he have useful parents or siblings who can watch the baby while you're asleep?

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:41

DH works full time and I got no help with the injections but didn't bother me because as a capable mother you should cope.

Does he work hundreds of miles away?

Have you even read the thread?

Babies are extremely extremely hard work and they cart a lot too in how hard they are,noone is not a capable mother because they find sleepless nights, teething, vaccinations, fevers.etc etc very hard.

Your post was offensive.

2155User · 20/07/2020 12:47

@GilbertMarkham

It was offensive to you because clearly your ridiculously sensitive.

Yes, he does often work hundreds of miles away and works away a lot.

But you just crack on with it.

It you feel you need help with a simple set of injections and a grumpy baby for a couple of days then parenting will be a tough ride.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:49

*they vary a lot

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 12:50

My friend is coming today to take over for a few hours so I can relax. Thank you so much everyone for all the advice. When I'm so tired I can't think straight. It's like I'm trying to put together all the pieces, I have found him very manipulative. When he came again to visit he said he needed to catch up on his sleep, because he was up thinking about our baby??? Meanwhile I'm actually doing everything one handed. His mum is really great, she's been weary of having anyone around due to Covid as she's vulnerable but I'm sure she will be lots of help as soon as this is over.

OP posts:

Onekidnoclue · 20/07/2020 12:50

I’m so sorry. this is a very tough set up.

I’m afraid I agree with other posters. This isn’t a worthwhile relationship. He sounds like a dick.

I think you need to contact CM and set up financial support as it’s clear emotional and practical support are not available. Good luck.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:50

yourridiculously sensitive.

Enough said.

Op some posters just come on here to attack ops, and be offensive ... presumably they think.it makes them sound smart or strong. They're not. Just ignore them.

2155User · 20/07/2020 12:51

@GilbertMarkham

Oh look at you, t

2155User · 20/07/2020 12:52

@GilbertMarkham

Trying to make out as if my view is the worst

Calm down. I think OP from her first post is over reacting.

Maybe learn that others can have a different opinion?

Original poster

tiredoflife2020 · 20/07/2020 12:54

@2155User it's not that I'm not a capable mother. Does it make you feel good to talk down to someone on the Internet? I've already said how sleep deprived I am. That on top of a grizzly baby, who's not napping and doesn't feel well. Whilst his dad is away partying, doesn't sit right with me sorry.

OP posts:

GingerBeverage · 20/07/2020 12:54

@tiredoflife2020

This is good. Take all the help and rest you can (not from him) and focus on your baby and yourself. In due time you'll be able to review things and see what you can do in future to avoid this type of partner.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:56

*When he's away he cries over the baby, says how much he misses him and can't sleep when he's not with him.

When he came again to visit he said he needed to catch up on his sleep, because he was up thinking about our baby???*

Oh my ... He's a joke.

Lots of words, no actions going on here.

He wants to look and sound like a good guy while effectively making you a single parent and sciving out if working with the baby even when he visits.

Treacletoots · 20/07/2020 12:57

@2155User

You're clearly a troll, or a completely emotionally devoid individual.

The OPs circumstances are about as far removed from you as they get. I'll assume your DH pulls his fair share out when he's not at work, which is support the OP clearly doesn't have.

A 4 month old is insanely hard work with two of you to support each other, no wonder the OP is struggling to cope on her own.

If you don't have anything helpful or empathetic to say, then dont bother posting

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:59

@tiredoflife2020

Don't justify yourself to her (?) Put her in ignore.

She's the solitary poster in this thread not agreeing your "d"p is not stepping up and us treating you (and your baby) poorly, what dies that tell you.

GilbertMarkham · 20/07/2020 12:59

*does

wishing3 · 20/07/2020 13:01

He sounds like a selfish tool. Well done for getting this far by yourself. I hope it gets easier for you.

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