What is this error dynamic that my parents operate? Anyone else experienced this feeling?

[Usertrelly]

Ever since a child and into adulthood, my parents have made me feel uncomfortable in quite a specific way and I don’t know if it is me being sensitive or whether this is a thing and it’s weird? Probably going to sound petty! Hard to explain but here goes

I always felt mocked as a child. Not in an overt way, and maybe mocking is the wrong word but for instance if I said I wanted to get up early to get to school earlier one day, they’d sort of laugh and say oooohh will you manage getting up in time an hour before usual?! And they’d laugh and they’d be supportive about me going in earlier and choosing to do that, but they’d sort of make me feel like it was something huge and put me down at the same time (at least it felt that), ie by saying are you sure you’ll manage that! If I wanted to put a wash on when I got to age 14/15 they would joke that I would break the machine and I wojektn know how to work it - no offer to show me or let me do it. It felt shit.

That’s maybe a silly example but another would be when I got to maybe age 18 and decided I didn’t want to drink and so didn’t want anything with alcohol in it (like gravy). I’d drank before and had a horrible reaction. They would laugh at this every dinnertime and joke I was tee total etc. And pretend to pour me a wine and say I was a misery for not drinking. Just made me feel silly and small about making that choice.

More adult example are when I asked if it was ok to bring a friend’s dog to their house one weekend as I was looking after it, they said yes but oh gosh user you’ll have to make sure you pick up the dog poo? You know you have to pick up the pool don’t you, you can’t leave that in the village?? Sort of said in a panicked way like I am completely irresponsible or thick. I can’t think of anyone who would say that to me as a grown adult!!!

There’s plenty more and they sound silly I think but whenever I am around them I feel like they see me as someone without opinions that matter, or they enjoy joking at my expense and not really seeing me as an adult. As a result I am really strange around them sometimes, I feel awkward a lot of the time and it is totally different to being around my friends and colleagues.

Is this a thing with anyone else?

That title should say weird dynamic not error dynamic!

It sounds like their quite fearful and you notice it.

Not experienced it, and thank goodness. I’m so sorry you had to go through that!

They basically undermined you and made you a bit of a figure of fun at any opportunity from the sounds of it. Parents are supposed to boost their children’s self esteem and confidence but they had you feeling a bit on the back foot about the most normal things. I’d have been sick of even telling them anything tbh.

The dog poo reaction is so weird like they think you’re too thick or irresponsible.

Have you ever addressed this with them?

Yes so with the dog poo I reacted and said obviously I wouldn’t leave dog shit on the road?? They said yes of course they know I know but they wanted to make sure.....

But it is like that with everything. They’re no overly fearful people as the above poster suggested. If my friend had been coming over with the dog they wouldn’t have said that to them!!!

I hate mocking or teasing but I think it's quite common in most families. It doesn't suit more sensitive or less confident children at all.

Sounds like they struggled with accepting you were growing up and capable of making decisions.. Some dps like the dc when they are reliant and under their 'superior' guidance.
My dm took it badly I could manage my own life and dc. We are nc due mainly to her trying to tell me how to parent and not accepting my decisions regarding my own dc!
Knocking your confidence meant in their eyes you double checked everything with them and their 'knows best' attitudes..

Bu fearful I don’t mean catastrophizing/ afraid of ladders fearful but that they hold in mind what others think. My dmil is a bit like that- so her first thought on bringing over a dog would be how it’d affect the neighbours and whether it’d reflect badly on her. Your dps see you as an extension of themselves so any thing you do is framed as ‘what could go wrong, can we protect her and us?’
It’s exhausting for you though.

I'm so sorry you felt mocked.
Your post raised a few thoughts that I'd not really seen vocalised before.
I love my parents immeasurably but I do find it difficult as we've all got older that they still treat me as a child, as it feels, at times. I'm mid 30s & an only child with DP but no DCs which may or may not be relevant. They do seem to reminisce a lot towards my childhood, I get a lot of "do you remember the funny time you did xyz" in front of DP. There was one particularly excruciating lunch a while ago when their entire chat was funny stories from my childhood.
When they call I'll often get "are you still in bed?" at 11am - of course I'm not, and who cares if I was?! Even this weekend I was laughing at my dad about something he was having trouble with online & got told I was "being cheeky". These are a few examples but there are many more.
It's not all the time and - in my case, I can't speak for yours OP - it comes from a loving place but I find it extremely frustrating at times and infantilising. I also find I kind of regress as well so I get what you mean about behaving strangely. I just want to shout "I am a grown adult you know!" but it's catch 22 because that makes me feel like a stroppy teenager.
I've concluded that it's them not me, take a deep breath and smile. But that's easier said than done sometimes.
How is your relationship with them otherwise OP? Do you have DP or DCs?
I have often wondered if I decided to have DCs would it change and they'd finally treat me like an adult all the time!

Unfortunately some parents will forever see their children as children. And they use shame to keep you submissive to them.

As long as you remind yourself you're an adult and you are plenty capable of doing all these things for yourself. This is a reflection on them, how they are trying to keep you in a childlike stage, submissive to them.

My parents do this. When I got a cat my mother reminded me not to put the cat in the tumbledrier.

Not only have I been successfully looking after myself and a variety of small animals for over 15 years now...I don't even have a tumbledrier.

My family are exactly the same. Everything is dressed up as a joke or teasing - slightly mocking as you describe it. But it was constant throughout my childhood and adulthood too and it's frankly got wearisome to be honest. We've literally never said I love you because everything is a joke.

It's turned me into this slightly anxious people pleaser, and I catch myself still kind-of trying to impress them or get them to take me seriously, like a child would, even though I'm late forties now.

Yes I think it comes from a loving place definitely but it’s sad because I am not able to be myself around them. I feel useless and like plastic just moulded as to how they think I should be whenever I see them.

I also have the ‘why are you going to bed it’s only 9?’ And then a phone call at 10:30... having totally ignored me saying I was going to bed. It’s stuff like that.

It’s not a huge thing but it makes me sad I can’t have a relationship with them like I do with everyone else

Yes my parents are a bit like this. Low level belittling that I don't think they realise they do. E.g once I was struggling to find a job, got another rejection, and my dad's response was 'that's my girl' in a jokey way. Has messed me up a fair bit to be honest.

And yes, as a PP has said, I'm very submissive to them all - my parents and my older sister. Ugh I hadn't really realised that before now.

They were/are belittling and unkind. They may not have realised, but still.

It's unkind. DH's father is prone to this, he's a complete dick at times. I pull DH up on it when he does the same.

Because they see themselves first.

Because whatever you do, it's about them, not you. Because they talk at you, not with you.

I left a LTR in my early 20s and on telling my DM (despite her knowing this was in the cards, and actually in hindsight her offering me no emotional support) her words were literally, "But what about me?! I'm friends with his DM! What am I going to do now?!".

I'm sorry that you're going through this. No matter how much you try to make sense of it, it is real, and it's illogical. I think it's made me into a more empathetic and caring person actually, but it upset me for years, and still does at times.

I know what you mean OP. I had this and it just made me want to shrink away from view to avoid the negative comments. This carried on to the adult world and it took me a long time to feel that my actions/opinions were valid. I'm so careful not to do this to my son.

I don't think it comes from a loving place at all.
They aren't really concerned, they are pretending so that they can belittle you .

My parents did the same, constant snarky remarks about what ever I did and belittling Of course if you snap back you are "touchy"
Behave in an adult way and refuse to rise to it .
Look up Transctional Analysis OP
The ego states are Critical Parent, Adult and Child.
They are stuck in Critical Parent which forces you into Child if you react .
Aim to sit in Adult in your responses.with parents like this it often means withdrawing slightly, restricting what you tell them, involve them in very little.
I went low contact with mine as they also tried to get my children to join in the belittling.

Treat their belittling attempts with little interest and neutral remarks
Jolly good
Interesting
Super
And quickly move onto something else.
They don't ever change .

Do you feel able to say that you don’t like it when they speak to you that way? Not just respond to the words, like you did about the dog, but say how you feel?

‘I feel like you are making fun of me and I’m unsure that you trust me. This is important to me and I’d like you to stop.’

If they say they’re just teasing, tell them again that it’s not how it feels to you as their daughter, and you’d like them to stop doing it. If they feel upset then that’s not your fault, you’re trying to stop feeling so upset when you deal with them.

I do agree with the pp who said it’s coming from a place of uncertainty/fear, they want to convey something but are using the rather aggressive ‘just joking’ tactic.

I hope you can repair your relationship with them, it’s interesting you say it’s loving but it sounds like you’re not feeling very loved.

My parents do this. It's contempt. Has made it hard for me to trust myself. They've now started on my nephew, doing the same to him.

I'm learning to disregard their opinions and reject their voice in my head.

AlsDiner, i think you might be my sister...

Sadly thats exactly how it was in my house as well. I still have conversations with my mum where she basically sneers at everything i do, because expressing appreciation or sincerity is somehow weak or soppy. As kids, we were always set against each other, encouraged to mock any weakness or failing, or more significantly, any attempt to improve yourself physically.

I also think teasing is common in families and exist in a loving place when families are close, bonded and have intimacy. However if your family relationships are in any way lacking that it will feel negative.

I think parents can be like this with adult children, they seem to still think they're children. My Mum makes me smile sometimes as she still says things like 'you mind your bag' as if I'm likely to swipe an entire shelf load of John Lewis chinaware onto the floor at the age of 49 😂

Wow this is my mum exactly and I’m 52 with teenage children of my own. I feel I should phone her every day because she’s in her 80s and lives alone, but I physically dread phoning her. I now find myself telling ter as little as possible about my life because I’m fed up of her belittling and criticising. I was adopted as a baby and have always assumed that has something to do with it but maybe not. I’m sorry this is no help to you but you are not alone and I am sorry you’re having to deal with this xx