What is this error dynamic that my parents operate? Anyone else experienced this feeling?

[Usertrelly]

Ever since a child and into adulthood, my parents have made me feel uncomfortable in quite a specific way and I don’t know if it is me being sensitive or whether this is a thing and it’s weird? Probably going to sound petty! Hard to explain but here goes

I always felt mocked as a child. Not in an overt way, and maybe mocking is the wrong word but for instance if I said I wanted to get up early to get to school earlier one day, they’d sort of laugh and say oooohh will you manage getting up in time an hour before usual?! And they’d laugh and they’d be supportive about me going in earlier and choosing to do that, but they’d sort of make me feel like it was something huge and put me down at the same time (at least it felt that), ie by saying are you sure you’ll manage that! If I wanted to put a wash on when I got to age 14/15 they would joke that I would break the machine and I wojektn know how to work it - no offer to show me or let me do it. It felt shit.

That’s maybe a silly example but another would be when I got to maybe age 18 and decided I didn’t want to drink and so didn’t want anything with alcohol in it (like gravy). I’d drank before and had a horrible reaction. They would laugh at this every dinnertime and joke I was tee total etc. And pretend to pour me a wine and say I was a misery for not drinking. Just made me feel silly and small about making that choice.

More adult example are when I asked if it was ok to bring a friend’s dog to their house one weekend as I was looking after it, they said yes but oh gosh user you’ll have to make sure you pick up the dog poo? You know you have to pick up the pool don’t you, you can’t leave that in the village?? Sort of said in a panicked way like I am completely irresponsible or thick. I can’t think of anyone who would say that to me as a grown adult!!!

There’s plenty more and they sound silly I think but whenever I am around them I feel like they see me as someone without opinions that matter, or they enjoy joking at my expense and not really seeing me as an adult. As a result I am really strange around them sometimes, I feel awkward a lot of the time and it is totally different to being around my friends and colleagues.

Is this a thing with anyone else?

Strumpet I’d think about phoning every other day and keep the calls brief and factual. Your wellbeing is important too. Ask your children to take a turn. Are you an only child?

@Onemansoapopera

I also think teasing is common in families and exist in a loving place when families are close, bonded and have intimacy. However if your family relationships are in any way lacking that it will feel negative.

Mild teasing and family in jokes are fine and normal but that's not what the OP is describing. Ok is describing constant belittling and put downs, not treating her/him as an adult but as a silly child. It's a way to control but it leaves the OP with little come back as it's " only teasing" " being over sensitive"

quiteclean OP's also literally describing my familial experience too except my perspective is completely different to hers. I don't find it triggering or upsetting but OP's perspective is different and that's ok.

It also absolutely in no way felt like control to me. Most things on MN are put in the "control" pigeonhole when they're most probably not at all they're just plain annoying.

Then the OP is not describing your familial experience, there were clearly other dynamics going on that meant that you felt secure when you were teased, you just felt annoyed. Although why would you want to deliberately annoy a child? For fun? Don’t you think that’s a power trip?

Sounds like they locked in to who you were and how you behaved at a specific much younger age and haven't matured in how they treat you since. DH is a bit like this with DTeens. Not mocking, but I had to have some very forceful and repeated discussions with him that they were capable at the age of almost 18 to get the train home past 10pm from the local safe market town to our village. Or that they could sort out their own washing, change their own beds etc. He still wants to do everything for them.

I would just gently tease them back. 'What? You have to pick up the dog poo if you are responsible for a dog? I had no idea, I thought it was OK to leave it for old ladies to slip on and toddlers to fall face first into it.'

Or if you generally get on well with them, give them a hug and say, 'I know. Amazing I can do it all by myself and I'm only 27!'

@Fanthorpe

Strumpet I’d think about phoning every other day and keep the calls brief and factual. Your wellbeing is important too. Ask your children to take a turn. Are you an only child?

Thank you, I think I will try every other day x I have a brother who also has a difficult relationship with her. He lives much closer than I do (I’m an hour away) so he is doing his bit taking her shopping round once a week x

Strumpet I hope you can. I note your comment about being adopted. How your mother treats you is a choice she has made, I hope you don’t feel you have caused it or are responsible for it because you are not genetically linked. You deserved to be loved and nurtured.

fanthorpe who said they were deliberately being annoying? Not me. If I perceived it as annoying that does not mean that's how they meant it. However I accept you have a different viewpoint to me. All good.

Agree with QuiteCleanBandit2020. It’s NOT ‘loving”, nor respectful, and seems like what transactional analysis called ‘critical parent’ behaviour.

I’ve occasionally observed people who’ve been longstanding friends, since teen years, do stuff like this to other friends. And the people it’s done to getting pissed off about it.

Agree with @QuiteCleanBandit2020, its them not you.

I have a childhood friend who treats me like this, comes from insecurity I think, putting me down makes her feel better, when we were younger she was always more confident and sociable than I was and as we've got older and I am more relaxed she struggles with the different dynamic, I don't need her to tell me what to do, I'm perfectly capable.

My DMum does it sometimes too but not all the time, DMum is very insecure.

I have this reln with my DM. She has v low self-esteem and a complicated way of projecting it onto me. Interestingly, not my sister, who she's less close to and slightly scared of. She's surprised I'm up when she calls, management is bullshit (I'm a manager), I don't want to make a special effort for people (I love to host), and she's horrified I have hobbies because it's all too much for me.

It used to upset me much more than it does now she's becoming more frail, I can see it as her vulnerability and not really anything to do with me. @Etinox is right in our case - she doesn't really see me as distinct from her in this respect and is expressing her own anxieties through me

Yes my stepmother has always been quite contemptuous and dismissive of me and my brother but without the banter.

Oneman
I'm not sure if you think your posts are helpful ?
Coming onto a thread to say it's just a bit of teasing , it doesn't bother me?
The OP has clearly stated that he/she feels belittled and that this is not a normal dynamic between adult parents and children.
We all know what a bit of friendly teasing is btw.

Yes it is about control,its unpleasant and failing to see your adult children as anything other than an extension of yourself.

What are they like to each other? What is the general family vibe? I just wonder whether it’s banter to them but unkind and uncomfortable to you? A lot of families interact this way and usually it’s fine but sometimes you get one person that doesn’t feel comfortable with it and it’s miserable for them.

Bottom line, it’s mean. If you haven’t visited the stately homes thread on relationships board it’s worth a read - you’ll probably recognise a lot o. Tbh e posts and there’s some great advice

quiteclean it's a chat forum for sharing opinions and experiences. Yes I think different perspectives are helpful, to answer your question otherwise it's an echo chamber. Is it ok to have a different viewpoint to you?

Yes a chat forum which is meant to be supportive.
How ironic that you sound just like the parents!
It's only a bit of teasing isn't helpful, it's undermining if the OP feels belittled by it.

Very similar experience here - I remember being about 10ish and asking to help / learn how to iron, and then the whole time being told I was doing it wrong. Followed up later as a teen with passive aggressive comments that I didn’t help round the house, but any attempts to do so being mocked.

The whole thing was a bit bizarre and even now when they come round to my house I get comments like ‘that’s not like you to be hoovering’. They’re good people overall but the comments are just odd! Similarly to other people in this thread I’m now a people pleaser and trying to wean myself off it.

@Abitupthehill

Bottom line, it’s mean. If you haven’t visited the stately homes thread on relationships board it’s worth a read - you’ll probably recognise a lot o. Tbh e posts and there’s some great advice

Totally agree Stately Homes is probably the best thread regarding this type of behaviour. One of the rules is not undermining the feelings of others. Toddling off now as I don't want to distract from your thread. Good luck OP

Literally not what I said at all quiteclean so let's agree to disagree and leave it there.

They still see you as a child. My inlaws are like this

My parents do this. It drives me up the wall.

I've started mentioning that they do it, and mum has reigned it in but dad not so much.

I get a bit of this from my parents, constant little digs, I don’t really understand why. My dad said ‘you’ve never really earned much have you’ to me the other day in front of DB and SIL. I’ve had a really good wage!! Professional job, degree and masters degree to get into the field?!

Other things can be if they come over to mine they’ll mention the house is tidy, but it can’t be me that’s cleaned up (based on the fact I had a messy bedroom at 11). Or when I saved up for driving lessons my mums only comment was ‘keep death off the road’, great encouragement.

When I passed my 11+ exam and was offered a place in grammar school was told ‘I used to hate people like you when I was at school’. When I said I wanted to pursue a career/degree in the arts got told ‘well there’s a recession and no jobs anyway’ (was early 90s). If I complained I’d be told I couldn’t take a joke or was ‘up myself’. My parents seemed to spend our childhoods putting us down so we didn’t get too big for our boots?

Luckily I get on well with siblings and we’ve always been really supportive of each other, no jealousy, no rivalry, probably because of parents attitude.